Wankers of the Week: Crappy Thanksgiving!

Crappy weekend, everyone…and crappy Canadian Thanksgiving! I feel like I’ve been eating turkey all week, even though I won’t be having any until tomorrow night. And is it any wonder? Just look at all the turkey turds I’ve had to wade through this week. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. Who knew turkeys could whine? Ever since WoodyWanks’ golden goose, M-312, was cooked, he’s been at it nonstop. His lame attempt to defend his lame motion appeared in the HuffyPo this week, to all due derision. After all, it wasn’t really about when life begins, much less freedom of speech. It WAS about abortion, and the fact that no one was fooled by all the phony baloney about slavery must have been galling. Well, Woody, get the fuck over it. You had your 15 minutes, and that’s all you deserve. You can’t talk about creationism one minute, and then try to drag science into it when it suits you. Back to the backbench with you, and STFU, already! PS: And don’t start praying away the gay, either, numbnuts.

2. Rob Fucking Anders. Sleepyhead decided to get into conspiracy theory this week, intimating that current NDP head Thomas Mulcair sent his predecessor, Jack Layton, into an early grave by urging him to lead the party in the last federal election. Or rather, to not step down and go die of cancer quietly. Anyone who ever met Jack knew that sort of thing would not have been his style. He didn’t need any pushing to run, much less a “knife in the back”. It’s just more proof, from where I sit, that even dead, Jack Layton scares the SupposiTories — and Tom Mulcair, living, does too. (Which, I must confess, makes me like Mulcair a lot better than I used to.)

PS: Bwahahaha. Total sexual unappealingness always goes down easier when you dress it up as a religious vow. Eh, Sleepyhead? PPS: Uh oh, looks like somebody needs a lesson in transgender identity and what it really means…and how UNlikely a transwoman is to assault little girls in the ladies’ room.

3. Katie Fucking Roiphe. Oh noes, feminists are suddenly FUNNY! Well, duh — we always HAVE been. Katie, on the other hand, is becoming more and more of a humorless bore. And downright petulant since she’s been the butt of a lot of our jokes. Speaking of which, here’s one:

Q. Why did Katie Roiphe cross the road?

A. So she could write stupid anecdotes about the other side.

Thanks, and don’t forget to tip your waitress. Ba-dump-bump.

4. Jack Fucking Wu. What’s the matter with Kansas? The Fucking Westboro Baptist Cult, among other things. And the fact that their members are now no longer content to picket funerals with their ugly homophobic placards, and are running for local political office. Please tell me this one is gonna lose. Please!

5. David Fucking Pickup. Meanwhile, in other homophobic news, this closet case — sorry, “ex-gay conversion therapist”, note the quotes — is trying to sue California for banning his racket. Good luck with that, eh?

6. Todd Fucking Akin. This item may be four years old, but it holds the key to all his stupidity. How the hell do you give an abortion to a woman who’s not pregnant? Would that not kind of defeat the purpose? No wonder this idiot thinks a woman can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape”, whatever that is…he has absolutely no knowledge of female anatomy, or reproductive function, OR gynecological surgery, whatsofuckingever. PS: And…he doubled down on the dumbth this week. Hooooooboy.

7. Victoria Fucking Jackson. She chose to be straight? I don’t fucking believe that. If that were true, she could also have chosen to be smart, and she clearly isn’t.

8. Allen Fucking West. I’m sorry, but God and porn star are two thoughts that do not belong in the same paragraph, much less a letter to one’s spouse, demanding that she be one to him in the name of God. Ugh ugh ughitty ugh UGH.

9. Michele Fucking Bachmann. She may not be good for the Jews, but she sure is good for the other guy. When she patronized their synagogue and tried to kiss their collective tuchus for Yom Kippur, she pissed them off so badly that they’re now actually donating money to her opponent across state lines.

10. Dan Fucking Cathy. What’s that, Mr. Chick-Fil-Hate Guy? You support “Biblical families”? That’s nice. I had no idea you were so open to polygamy. Or concubinage. Or slave-rape. Or incest.

11. Kenneth Fucking Krause. Nice arms, dude. Shame about your face. Shame, too, about the shit that goes on behind those beady little eyes of yours. Now, if you’re as concerned about public health as you claim to be, why not hop on that fancy-ass bike of yours, and go chase down some ambulances? Or, better still, the limos of the guys who bag big government subsidies for sticking high-fructose corn syrup into everything? Because it’s they who are actually responsible for the so-called obesity epidemic you’re trying to pin on Jennifer Livingston — and she, incidentally, does not need your unkindly concern, or anyone else’s concern but her doctor’s. PS: I’m sorry if you thought your conditional apology was a real one. It isn’t. Apologize for real or just STFU, you narcissistic fucker.

12. Gerry Fucking Ritz. Last week, he was voting yes to a pointless and legally idiotic “debate” aimed at bringing new abortion laws. This week, though food safety is supposed to be his portfolio, he was nowhere to be found when the people had questions about a huge E. coli outbreak at a meat-packing plant. How “pro-life” is that? And how free-speechy, too. PS: This isn’t helping.

13. Barbara Fucking Kay. Now that Margaret Fucking Wente has gone temporarily quiet, another right-wing battle-axe has reared her yappy head. Too bad that everything coming out of her mouth is either lies, made-up bullshit, more lies, or more bullshit. Oh, and did we mention lies and bullshit? Yeah, Babs, that’s really got ME convinced that we poor stupid women need superior others to make our minds up for us when it comes to abortion. And now we can see who makes her son’s meagre mind up for him, too. Since they both write for the National Pest, and the anti-feminist party line is its editorial line, don’t expect any action against either of them. Even if they both get caught out for plagiarism, all you’ll hear from there is this:

14. William Fucking Bailey. What’s a crappy dad to do when he’s caught on camera mocking a ten-year-old girl with cerebral palsy — and teaching his own son to do the same? Why, just slam the car door and not talk to the media. Yeah, that’ll work!

15. Antonio Fucking Piazza. Looks like Da Berluscoglioni isn’t the the only major dickhead in his party. And, like #14, this one seems to have a hate-on for disabled people. Maybe because they keep taking all those choice parking spots, specifically marked with wheelchair signs, that he himself thinks he has an exclusive right to, even though he’s not the least bit disabled — by anything other than a massive penis growing out the top of his neck, that is.

16. Salvatore Fucking Cordileone. Is he saying that God set him drunk and then told him to get behind the wheel and get his sanctimonious ass arrested? Because that’s sure what it sounds like to me. The Lord may work in mysterious ways, but I’m pretty sure that’s NOT one of them. Ever hear of personal responsibility, Mr. Archbishop, sir? Or is that something you only preach to the sinful peons?

17. Stephen Fucking Taylor. Why?

That’s why. Someone, I guess, is jealous of some rather good genes. PS: Oh yeah, and this, too.

18. Paul Fucking Broun. A liar from the pit of hell? Yeah, sure sounds like. What the fuck is he doing in the House Committee on Science? Oh yeah: trying to turn it gay for Jesus and the Young Earth Bullshit Theory. And the Talking Snake Theory of Evolution. Silly me.

19. Paul Fucking Singer. Uh, no, Argentina doesn’t owe you a single peso. You tried to scalp a struggling country in the crash of ’01? Your fucking loss. Eat it like the rest of your vulture ilk. If I only knew how to say “fuck you” in Argentino…but I’m sure Cristina Fernández does, in any case. Now give back that school ship and eat shit, pelotudo.

20. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Abortion and gay sex aren’t even IN the US constitution; therefore they must be unconstitutional! Makes a hell of a lot of sense, except maybe that the whole “pursuit of Happiness” thing has that covered, meaning they are SO constitutional. Nyah, nyah.

21. Rick Fucking Santorum. Anyone who would kill Big Bird is not pro-life. And anyone who would cop to being someone who would do it, is an obvious wanker.

22. Mitt Fucking Romney. The Pentagon wastes more in one day than PBS gets in a whole year. Like the little one says: Find something else to cut off. (I can think of a few salient body parts.) PS: Ha, ha.

23. and 24. Michael Fucking Coren and Faith Fucking Goldy. If transgender people using bathrooms offend you so much, I suggest you both go do your business outside this winter. And try not to offend any unsuspecting passersby whilst removing your heads from your arses before you relieve yourselves, eh?

25. Vic Fucking Toews. Considering what a negligible expense non-Christian prison chaplains are (serving, as they do, such a small portion of the prison population), I don’t for one minute buy the idea that they’re a waste of public money. The salary of Icky Vic the Intolerant Adulterer, however, is quite another story.

26. Patrick Fucking Plumb. His name rhyme with dumb, and that’s no coincidence. After all, he’s a conservatard who’d rather slaughter Big Bird than see kids get educational TV…as opposed to the mentally-retarding crap that dominates the commercial airwaves, which is aimed mainly at making people buy things they don’t really want — and in the case of kids, is aimed at making them want toys their parents don’t want to buy. So of course, he’s a Romneyite. PS: And he’s a fucking liar, too. Imagine that, claiming his Twitter account was hacked when it plainly wasn’t. And then suddenly taking it down when his game was exposed. There’s a word for people like that: Fucktard!

27. Jeremy Fucking Hunt. His name rhymes with cunt, and that’s no coincidence. After all, he’s a conservatard who’d like only too well to destroy abortion rights in tiny little increments — or in the case of British women, by half the currently allowed limit of 24 weeks’ pregnancy. And some people here in Canada wonder why we want no new laws, and no limits at all? THAT’s why. As soon as you set a bar, some smirky asshole (whom it will never affect personally, of course) wants to set it lower. (Or higher, as the case may be.) Best thing to do is not have any fucking bars at all.

28. Jon Fucking Hubbard. No, slavery was NOT a “blessing in disguise” for blacks. Unless there is something blessed about being forced onto a ship in shackles, dragged across the sea, possibly thrown overboard, housed in subhuman conditions before, during and after, and being beaten, whipped, raped, forced to work, and oh yeah, LYNCHED. And then being accorded only 3/5 “citizenship”, and no votes. And even to this day, their descendants are STILL being taken advantage of and disenfranchised. Somehow, I can’t see a single blessing in there. Can you? If you can, you’ve got something in your eye. And it smells a lot like bovine feces.

And finally, to the two trolls who pooped on my obitchery for the late unlamented racist perfesser, Philippe Fucking Rushton. No names, no addies, not even an IP this time (although, as usual, I am sorely tempted to post those). I just wanted you to see these nuggets for yourselves and understand why I refuse to approve them. I don’t want to feed these trolls by debating with them as if their ideas merited taking seriously; I just want this shit to dry out and bleach and crumble away in the sun, like their boy’s “research”. Here’s the first:

Guess that’s why Rushton sat on the board of Intelligence––the most prestigious journal in the field of, yes, intelligence––for eight years, up until his death. Or why Personality and Individual Differences, the second most prestigious journal in said field, devoted an entire issue to his work.

And, yes, he was beaten up. From a book I own on the topic: “One evening [in 1991], while walking across campus, [Rushton] was physically assualted…and admitted to a hospital suffering from chest pains.”

I do not agree with all of Rushton’s theories, but he was a brilliant man, and he made major contributions to his field.

Ah yes, such major contributions that his own university president denounced them, peer reviewers panned them, and real geneticists like David Suzuki picked them mercilessly apart, and in the end they were only taken seriously by the creepy followers of a handful of racist websites. As for the unreferenced citation, what book was that from? I googled for it in vain. One published in the vicinity of Uranus, no doubt.

Here’s the second:

If they were fraudulent it’s curious he continued to be published in leading journals up until his death. eg. (2009). Whole-brain size and general mental ability: A review. International Journal of Neuroscience, 119, 691-731.

The reality is his data was pretty solid. You could challenge why those patterns (Rushton’s Rule of 3 for example) arose, but the data was replicable.

I repeat: Rushton was not a neuroscientist, and he was not a geneticist. He was a quack. A quack full of fraudulent ideas of how brain size related to IQ and racist ideas of how brain and penis size were inversely correlated. His profile fell shortly after his racist book was published, and his reputation never recovered, regardless of the apologists’ contentions above. Sure, his data was “replicable”, if your idea of data is the sort of stuff you glean from paying people to fill out prurient questionnaires. I prefer not to dignify it as “brilliant”, “major” or a “contribution” to any field but that of quackery. One could come to similar conclusions, or better, by use of phrenology.

Good night, and get fucked!