Wankers of the Week: Hello, weenies!

You’ve heard of Mr. Potato Head? Meet his cousin…Mr. Pumpkin Pants.

Crappy weekend, everyone! Celebrating Halloween a little early, are we? Watch out for ghosties, ghoulies, goblins, and long-leggety beasties, and things that go bump in the night. (If they’re just kids, throw candy at ’em. That’ll make ’em go away, and not soap your windows or TP your trees.) And while you’re at it, watch out for these people, who might just give you a nasty shock…

1. Danielle Fucking Smith. Tainted meat crawling with E. coli from XL Foods? No problem! Just feed it to the poors. They deserve to eat shit anyway, right? After all, Alberta is rich white folks’ country!

2. Ann Fucking Coulter. For shame! How dare you speak of Paul Fucking Ryan that way? I know he’s a little slow and all, but did you have to rub it in? And gee, Ann, why don’t you say the R-word a little louder, so Sarah Fucking Palin can hear you all the way from Alaska? PS: Ha, ha. I do so love to see ‘winger shrews blasting their own. It saves me so much work. PPS: Ha, ha, ha — this is even sweeter. How’s it feel to be pwned by a real live “retard”, Ann?

3. Mitt Fucking Romney. Send in the cavalry with horses and bayonets! We MUST attack Persia and cut off Syria’s route to the sea! Et cetera. NOW do you understand why this rich idiot would make a poor president?

Oh yeah, and there’s this, too. Ol’ Mittens is a homophobe from way back.* Now we know why he attacked that guy in high school and cut off his hair. PPS: This little bit of late-breaking dickishness doesn’t help, either. PPPS: And that giant glug-glug you’re hearing now is Mittens’ political career, sinking. Irretrievably.

*Yes, I know it’s not real. But it’s still an accurate representation!

4. Rick Fucking Santorum. Why do you hate the Pursuit of Happiness, Butt-Sploodge? Oh yeah…it made you fat. Well, suck it up, Ricky, and start pursuing happiness at the other end of a treadmill, if it bothers you so much. But don’t try to convert anyone else to your dumbass puritanism. Nobody is interested!

5. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh dearz, Lord Blah-Blah does NOT like to be reminded of his own criminality. And he’s all whiny and victimized about it. Well, suck it up, you thin-skinned old coot, you’re going to be hearing no end of it. And good luck trying to sue your way out of accountability this time. Nobody’s intimidated by your legal threats anymore. (Probably because they know you don’t really have the money to cover your ass with high-powered lawyers.) PS: Ha, ha. Kiss your Snowflake goodbye, Con-man! PPS: Oh look, the spiteful old git is taking my advice. Trying to beat the Order to the punch, natch. So long, Con…and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you!

6. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. Nope, he still hasn’t gotten laid. And he’s very cranky about it…so much so that he’s willing to nominate a serial harasser for a medal. Will no one volunteer to finally give him (or pay for) whatever it takes to shut him the fuck up? And while you’re at it…could someone please do something about that shellacky helmet hair? It looks like it was just snapped onto his head, like a Lego piece or something. PS: Ha, ha. What an asshat.

7. Mark Fucking Clayton. You know your campaign is a joke when the merry pranksters of Gawker decide to “endorse” you. (Note the quotes.) When all you’ve got is homophobia, misogyny and paranoia, you’d best just pack it up and go home. But since “home” is Tennessee, this bozo will probably get far more votes than he deserves.

8. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Oh looky, Ms. Pro-Life fled from a disabled would-be interviewer! Guess we now know how she really feels about all those special-needs children she’s trying to keep from being aborted. Whoopsie!

9. Todd Fucking Akin. That giant clanging you hear is the death knell of Legitimate Rape Man’s campaign. Of course, he’s probably going to take the martyr’s pose now that his anti-choice activism from the 1980s is no longer a dirty little secret. BTW, since he’s been arrested and jailed for those ugly activities, shouldn’t he be automatically disqualified from running for office?

10. Richard Fucking Mourdock. And in other anti-choice scumbaggery, how about him? His theory on rape and pregnancy clashes with #9’s, since he thinks rape-induced pregnancy “is something God intended”. GOD INTENDS FOR RAPE TO HAPPEN??? Yo, Dick…God just called. She says to tell you She don’t work that way. She doesn’t disapprove of women who abort rape pregnancies. In fact, She says She’s the biggest abortionist there is. Suck on that, dickface. PS: Make that DOUBLE dickface.

11. Chris Fucking Brown. Yeah, yeah, we get it, dude: You like your women beaten and bloody. Now fuck the hell off. Seriously.

12. Donald Fucking Trump. All that buildup just for another skeezy Birther blackmail threat? Gee, now we know how he got to be such a mogul. Pure flimflam, what else? Next thing you know, Da Donald will be revealing that he’s actually stone bald under that ugly orange comb-over. Oh, wait…we already know that! PS: Ha, ha. I love Stephen Colbert, and I want the whole world to know it!

13. Devon Fucking Clunis. No, you can’t pray the crime away, any more than you can pray away the gay. What you can do is work for social justice, and that’s possible even without prayer. But don’t expect to hear that from a religiously fanatical police chief who thinks that God put him there!

14. Christopher Fucking Tolhurst. “Pro-life” = murderous + psychopathic. Also dumber than shit. Any questions?

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Aw, gee. I guess she’s too busy being racist to worry about the ugly word the Coultergeist used. Every day she’s shuckin’ and jivin’…

16. Robert Fucking Gibbs. So, Abdulrahman al-Awlaki, a 16-year-old US citizen killed in a drone strike, needed a “far more responsible father”? How about a far more responsible government, one that wouldn’t send drones out or keep “kill lists”? Proof, sadly, that you don’t need to be a Repug to be a callous idiot with no sense of the value of human life.

17. Andrea Fucking Peyser. Mitt Fucking Romney is a “feminist candidate”, because Andrea Fucking Peyser is “not stupid”. This is the woman whose sex column is even worse than Slutever, albeit in the opposite direction. Honestly, you can’t make this shit up. And I would know; I’ve tried.

And yes, that picture is real, too. (Poor kitty looks terrified.)

18. Dinish Fucking D’Souza. Last week, I wank-listed him for d’vorcing his wife over some young d’imwit. This week, he’s getting it again…for feuding over d’nero with his shitty crapaganda film’s investors. Ha, ha, fucking HA. Looks good on all of them!

19. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Whose life have you “saved” by dressing like a cheesy stripper, pray tell? If anything, you’ve caused nausea, vomiting and possible heart failure. And eyesores. Lots and lots of eyesores.

20. Gilberto Fucking Valle. Conspiring to kidnap, torture, kill and eat a hundred women is a crime. But creating a corny online dating profile in order to lure them? That’s a motherfucking wank. Yeah, I wonder why his wife left him and tipped of the FBI. Good thing she did, or we’d have another rash of “unexplained female disappearances”. And of course, the cops would know nothing, because duh, he’s one of them!

21. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh noes, Barack Obama wears a wedding ring! And it’s somehow symbolic of some sort of “closeted Muslim” conspiracy! And on a related note, isn’t it high time for that embolism in this old troll’s head to burst once and for all? This is his loopiest turn yet.

22. Marvin Lee Fucking Aday, better known as Fucking Meat Loaf. Or, as of this week, Fucking Mitt Loaf. You know, I always did wonder what was supposed to be the attraction with this big dumb palooka. All the most immature guys at every school I ever went to seemed to think he was some kind of fucking rock god; my only lasting impression was that of a fat dude bellowing tunelessly and sweating. And I never liked a single one of his “come on, baby, I’ll say anything you wanna hear as long as you spread your legs for me” song lyrics, either. (Taste: I has it.) It’s been charitably said that he was drunk off his ass when he mangled “America the Beautiful” onstage with Mittens the other night, but I think his problem goes a bit deeper than that. He’s still got his head stuck up his ass, which is still firmly mired in the Cold War. Hello, Pork Chop? The 21st century called. It says get thee to a detox, STAT.

23. Justin Fucking Huchel. Yup, nothing says “tasteful wedding wishes” like a bunch of sad street people in a prank video. Made, of course, in honor of your rich pop star friend and his also-rich actress bride, for their delectation as they get married oh-so-exclusively in Italy, and then sell the photos of their widdle Pepto-pink shindig to the tabloids for nearly a quarter of a million buckereenos. Yay, let’s all make fun of these poor schmucks whose lives are even more talentless and meaningless than ours! Isn’t that fucking hee-hee-hee-larious? PS: Ha, ha. Joke’s on YOU, Justin! Looks like your buddy’s not amused, either.

24. Robert Fucking Anderson. Oh bliss, oh joy, another crazy-conservative religious leader calling for gays and their supporters to be put to death. What is this, Taliban Afghanistan? No, wait, lemme guess: Iran, under the Ayatollah Khomeini. Nope, sorry — it’s Maryland! I suppose the next thing we’re gonna hear is that it’s not religious fascism when “Christians” do it.

25. John Fucking Sununu. Awwww, isn’t it sweet? He’s just doing his bit to help finally sink the campaign of Mittens once and for all. And by “sink”, I mean appeal to the latent and blatant racism that is really the only thing left motivating anyone to vote Republican at all. This fucking election farce can’t end soon enough!

26. Kelly Fucking Fenton. Lessee, does she have all the ingredients for a shit soufflé here? Obama, Russia, Putin, Satan…yep, she’s cookin’ with gas! Try not to blow your fucking kitchen up, idiot.

27. Lil Fucking Reese. Dunno the motherfucker (he is, ostensibly, a newly signed rapper), but it sounds like he and Chris Fucking Brown might share the same prison cell someday. And for the same offence, too.

28. Eric Fucking Hartsburg. How nice, you got $15,000 to get a Romney logo tattooed on your face. And if you’re smart (ha, ha), you will want to reinvest all of that in getting it lasered off the day after your guy loses.

29. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. A convicted tax cheat? How unsexy. I thought he’d surely go to jail for all that under-age bunga-bunga, if anything. And what’s this shit about being “obliged” to stay in politics? That’s even MORE unsexy.

30 and 31. John Fucking Baird and Rebecca Fucking Kadaga. How to make a farce of human rights, in five easy steps: 1. Invite a random foreign dignitary to a conference in Canada. 2. Pay no attention to the fact that she’s from a country with an exceptionally poor human-rights record, especially when it comes to gay rights, until she’s up and talking smack about “colonial attitudes” and “forcing the people of Uganda to embrace homosexuality”. 3. Be gay and in the closet yourself, and a member of a party that is basically doing its damnedest to trample human rights at home AND abroad, but just babble the usual pieties about human rights, as if you had any idea what the fuck they were. 4. Keep funneling millions of Canadian taxpayer dollars to Museveni’s horror in Uganda, in spite of that motherfucking “Kill the Gays” bill. 5. Oh yeah, and have absolutely ZERO sense of the irony inherent in all of this. Especially the bit about how Ugandans accepted Christianity from their colonial oppressors, and internalized all its crazy homophobia. BOOM! Shit-show accomplished.

32. and 33. Vladimir Fucking Putin and the Fucking Patriarch (or whatever he is) Kyrill. It’s bad enough that two members of Pussy Riot are still incarcerated in Siberian prison camps (yes, separately, so they can’t even rely on each other for morale!) Now they want to ban Apple’s logo, because it’s too fucking sin-of-Eve-y? Yeah, I smell a distinct odor of misogyny wafting out of Mother Russia’s pot-of-borscht. Or is it all the corruption from the church and the Kremlin, wining, dining and sixty-nining each other, complete with gold watches? Fuck, it’s getting so hard to tell. It’s shit like this that makes me nostalgic for the old Soviet era. And, considering I’m not an atheist, nor am I in favor of forced atheism (proud Wiccan here), that’s really saying something.

And finally, to all the Repugnicans, on both sides of the 49th Parallel. Kindly spare us your pious rhetoric about how much you care about life (and liberty, and the pursuit of happiness). We’re through watching your mouths when you talk; we are now watching your feet as you walk. Or, as the case may be, stumble…over how you value fetuses and corporations above actual living, breathing human life; over your whole “freedom for me, jail for thee” hypocrisy; over your tough-on-crime, soft-on-guns schizophrenia; and over your general slimy skanky scungy skeeviness. I hope you all fucking FAIL.

Good night, and get fucked!