Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, wasn’t that a party? Felix Baumgartner made one small step off a…well, a small step — and one giant leap into the history books (not to mention some pretty damn cool scientific findings, although supralight speed wasn’t one of those, sorry). But while he was waaayyyyyy up there, nearly 40 km above Earth, about to go back home the only way he could at that point, lots of seriously stupid shit was going on down here. Shit that made me wish I could do a reverse Felix and jump off this fucking planet, never to return. And here are the people who brought us that, in no particular order…
1. Steve Fucking Youngblood. Awww, da hateful preacher-man doesn’t like “rebellious women”. So he wanted to slap a lady for reminding him that US churches aren’t supposed to get politically involved, unless they pay taxes. And this in response to him trying to get politicians to pass a law against the queers. But if you believe in God and that God makes us as we are, you will have to believe they were made that way by God. Checkmate, pastor! Who’s the rebel, again?
2. Yaakov Fucking Rosenblatt. While we’re on the subject of ministers of religion and their interference with uppity wimmin, how about him? Someone kindly tell the putzy rabbi that Sarah Silverman doesn’t need his “concern”, and that her “feminine soul” will do fine without it. Oh wait, her dad did. And his response is a gem, too.
3. Jason Fucking Thompson. Don’t bother raising any money; His Barackness isn’t going anywhere. Much less “back” to Kenya. Unless Kenya happens to be located somewhere in Hawaii or Chicagoland, maybe. Isn’t this Birther shit stinking yet? That long-form certificate done left the barn ages ago!
4. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh look, here comes that nasty-wasty Gay Agenda again! You know, the radical concept that gays are people who deserve to be treated with dignity, equality and respect? That’s the one. And apparently, Bry-boy’s “truth” can’t handle it. So of course, he’s objectively pro-bullying. Because just like Wanker #1, he thinks uppity people who demand decent treatment for others should be slapped down. PS: Ha, ha.
5. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Last week I listed him for being a “pro-life” (note the quotes) hypocrite because he had no qualms about pressuring his mistress to get an abortion. This week, I list him again, still for being one…and because now, he claims there was no pregnancy. And this dude is a doctor? How on Earth could he counsel a non-pregnant woman — ON TAPE — to get an abortion, then? Too lazy and stupid to bother running a simple urine test before he shot off his mouth?
7. Janis Fucking Lane. So, women are “diabolical” and shouldn’t be allowed to vote? Well, I know one who is. (She’s also impervious to irony.) And I hope her political career goes no further than the voting booth. Speaking of which, should she even be there, seeing as she’s female and all?
8. Vic Fucking Toews. Never mind that gun violence costs us upwards of $3 billion a year; no, Icky Vic wanted the long-gun registry scrapped, and he got it scrapped. (Never mind that it was a bargain by comparison, and police chiefs loved it.) So what’s this now about serial number regulations that won’t be enforced? Is it a flipflop, or an attempt to have it both ways? You be the judge. I just can’t wait till we see the back of this bumbling clown. Preferably with a kick-me sign taped to it.
9. Rona Fucking Ambrose. It’s gotten very easy to tell if she is lying. All you have to do is watch her lips. Are they moving? Are noises coming out? Then the answer is yes. And of course, it’s always bad for women. And this week, it’s bad for the image of the UN, too!
11. Rob Fucking Anders. Well, well. Looks like Sleepyhead of the hateful petition got himself some wide-awake protesters! Now, if he would only get his dozy ass out of politics.
13. Angela Fucking McCaskill. What kind of diversity officer signs an anti-gay petition? One looking for greater acceptance of homophobia, natch!
14. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh look, he’s now in the business of selling nerdy jeans to all the uncool kids. And their even uncooler dads. Guess he had to do something about his bottom line since his Goldline scam was revealed to be, well, a SCAM.
15. Paul Fucking Ryan. Why?
That’s why. He’s about as genuine and useful as a three-dollar bill. PS: Congratulations in advance on losing the election, Paulie.
16. Michelle Fucking Duggar. Guess who’s shilling for Todd “Legitimate Rape” Fucking Akin? Yes, it’s the Full Quiver of Stoopid! Speaking of which…don’t you have like two dozen kids to look after, or something? Don’t leave that job to your eldest daughters. You’ve already bred enough suppressed resentment into those poor girls to last well into the next century.
17. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Has enough time gone by yet? Has everybody forgotten Nafi Diallo? Or those prostitutes he also assaulted at the sex party? Can he really pull of the “I’m just a bon vivant and a séducteur” schtick? Non? Merde! Quel vieux con.
18. Linda Fucking McMahon. WTF is “emergency rape”? Is that where a guy is forced to drag a woman into a dark alley and sexually assault her or he’ll simply die? I don’t know, and I don’t think she does, either. And since she’s so fucking clueless about rape, maybe she should also keep her big yap shut about emergency contraception and belief. She’s woefully under-informed on the former, and she got that way as a direct result of the latter.
19. Yishan Fucking Wong. TL; DR: Reddit stands for “free speech”, except for anything which might ever hold accountable the sleazy trolls who cozy up to the mods and admins while posting vile, hateful shit that isn’t actually covered under the rubric of free speech. Also, Adrian Chen ate my lunch, the doxxing motherfucker.
20. Roger Fucking Rivard. So, when he said that “some girls rape easy”, he really did mean just that. As in, she’s 14, the guy is 17, he wants to have sex, she doesn’t, he rips her pants off and attacks her anyway, and she’s too scared to fight him off. Meanwhile, the dude gets just 90 days and won’t even have to register as a sex offender on account of his age. Yeah, that sounds pretty easy, all right.
21. Mitt Fucking Romney. “Binders full of women”? The first thing I thought of when I saw/heard that was of Fritz Leiber’s fantasy tale, “A Desk Full of Girls”. The girls, alas, were just sexy ghosts. Seems Mittens’ binder-ladies are, too.
22. Joshua P. Fucking Dalton. The South will rise again! And when it does, it will have a hayseed haircut and be pointing a pistol at some kids on a schoolbus, just for making fun of that ugly-ass flag. Yeah, that’ll larn ’em, the li’l varmints!
23. Gerry Fucking Ritz. He is to food safety what Vic Fucking Toews is to public safety. Both of them neither can, nor will protect the well-being of the public, whether from shit in their beef, or shit coming out of guns. I think we should keep a running death count of what happened on their respective watches, don’t you?
24. Justin Fucking Hutchings. I’ve been itching for names to name and shames to shame over the Amanda Todd horror, and here’s the first of what I’m sure will be many. And now he’s gotten a good real-life lesson on what happens to online trolls: namely, that words mean things, that actions have consequences, and that ugly, uncalled-for words can and will get you fired. And it will serve you damn well right.
25. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. Funny how he didn’t file for his d’vorce until AFTER he was spotted checking into a hotel with a woman other than his missus. Massive conservative hypocrisy: He haz it. PS: Ha, ha.
26. Denise Fucking Odie Fucking Joseph, II. And while we’re on the subject of massive conservative hypocrisy, meet #25’s “fiancée”. Who blames the feminists and the queers for the breakdown of traditional marriage. (Her own part in the breakdown of a traditional marriage of 20 years’ standing is hereby duly noted.) PS: Nice blog. Aren’t traditionalists supposed to be against lusting? PPS: Bwahahahaha! Looks like our little homewrecker is also a married woman. Yeah, bitch, go ahead and blame your sin on us evil feminists. I d’ouble-d’og d’are ya.
27. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. Back when he was first elected, I had hopes that a Liberal might reverse all the shitty things the Harrisite Parasites had done to Ontario during their reign of terror. Well, guess what: he hasn’t. He’s stepping down amid a snowballing mass of scandals. Rumor has it he wants to run for the federal Liberal leadership, even though his provincial career has been utterly underwhelming. And now he’s gone the SupposiTories in Ottawa one better, with his unnecessary prorogation of Queen’s Park. Yay, worse and more of what we already have and don’t want! We can has democracy, pls?
28. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Harpo’s garden gnome — er, sorry, FinMin — has not been a popular boy this week. Not that he ever was, which may explain why he’s a SupposiTory politician; they tend to attract the schoolyard bullies and smarmy riffraff, n’est-ce pas? Anyhow, this week he’s in the news for refusing to break up the widely despised omnibus budget bill with which the SupposiTories plan to ram through every single horrible thing they plan to inflict on us, in one fell stroke. They’re hoping we didn’t notice. But here’s the rub: We did, and all the mail he’s gotten over it has been of the hate variety. Couldn’t happen to a nicer gnome.
29. Ann Fucking Coulter. Thursday of last week was National Coming Out Day in the US. The Coultergeist, thinking she was a wit (and proving herself only half right), “joked” that Monday was “disown your son” day. And this is the “right-wing Judy Garland”, as she styles herself? Uh, Ann…I think you just came out as a flaming homophobe and enemy of the queers. Good luck trying to square that one with your “friends”.
30. Scott Fucking Adams. The soi-disant genius behind the underwhelming Dilbert cartoons endorses Mittens for president. Of course he would. This is just his latest in a long series of self-interested, self-glorifying, self-pleasuring flibbertigibbertarian episodes otherwise known as the long slow slide into oblivion. Which, at this point, can’t come soon enough. Crazy mofo just is not making any sense anymore.
31. Billy Fucking Graham. Tricky Dick’s pet antisemitic preacher is nearing the end of his useless life, and how does he spend it? By taking out vast full-page ads urging idiots to vote against equal rights. Nice to see that even this late in the game, he’s not about to change his spots.
32. Lyndon Fucking LaRouche. He’s still around, too? Yow. Just for existing, he’s a fucking wanker; for getting a little old lady arrested for removing his offensively incorrect signage, he’s an EVIL fucking wanker.
33. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, the Pigman wants to know how women feel at being lied to and insulted? Well, I guess the few female dittoheads remaining won’t be much help on that front. They still don’t realize, after all this, that he’s been shitting on them the entire fucking time. Because if they DID realize that, they’d turn into…gasp…FEMINAZIS!
34. Orenthal James Fucking Simpson. He’s about to monetize the knife that totally fucking didn’t kill his ex-wife Nicole and her friend, Ron Goldman. Whatta guy! (And if that’s not wankery enough, just remember: He’s the reason the Fucking Kardashians are famous for nothing today.)
35. and 36. Mindy Fucking Kaling and Lena Fucking Dunham. Oh, you guys, you’re so fucking hip and transgressive. “Joking” about three innocent people who nearly got the death penalty…and then upping the ante by referencing one of the most sickening serial-killer stories in Canadian history (NOT “identity”, since we don’t identify with either of those two scumbags)? Yeah, we get it: other people’s lives and deaths are just one big joke to you because you’re fucking rich and famous and “comtemplating the boundaries of humor”. Here’s a boundary worth contemplating — how about you both just stick a paper bag over your heads, and go dressed as pariahs for Halloween?
37. Michael Fucking Brutsch. And while we’re on the subject of people whose “apologies” will not be accepted, because they only think they’re fucking funny while making hay off the suffering of others, how about that fucking Reddit Troll? This one, just to further mix things up, is an actual sex predator himself, since he bragged in gross detail about molesting his own 19-year-old former stepdaughter. And now CNN has scored a journalistic coup by having him on to apologize — “to some extent”. (Ha, ha, no…that would be Gawker’s Adrian Chen, who scored the real big one by unapologetically outing him.) But hey, he’s still hilarious! He’s apparently dyed his hair, and now he looks exactly like that ruined Jesus fresco in Spain. What a fitting guise for a false martyr of “free speech”!
38. Ann Fucking Romney. No, Mrs. Mittens, Mormon missions are nothing like serving in a war. Because the missionaries are not serving their country, but only their CULT. And because a Paris mansion ain’t no fucking war zone. Not even during the 1968 revolution was it even remotely like a fucking war zone. And if your husband was so pro-war, he should have gone and fought it himself, instead of trying to spread a bunkum made-up religion in a country that is long fed up with preachers.
39. Joe Fucking Walsh. No, Joe, science and technology have not advanced to the point where there is zero maternal mortality. That’s why there should be no laws whatsoever prohibiting abortion. And if you’re so fucking concerned about children, how about making the support payments you owe to the living, breathing sprogs you sired? As I recall, you’re still in arrears.
40. José Fucking Marquina. Well, well, who have we here, assuring us via the Miami Horrid that Fidel Castro is almost “vegetative” following an alleged stroke, and will soon die? The same “respected Venezuelan physician” who also assured us, several months ago, that Chavecito was on his deathbed and had only weeks left to live. Meanwhile, the ‘Cito successfully completed his treatments, was pronounced disease-free, got his dimples back, and went on to be re-elected president by a ten-point spread over the putschist oppo otherwise known as El Majunche. Where does this Marquina character get all that privileged (and oh, SO accurate) medical information? Simple: He pulls it out of his sigmoid colon.
41. Christine Fucking Flowers. No, of course birth control has nothing to do with girls getting an education. Let’s just sweep under the rug ALL those young women, myself included, who were able to complete their own educations thanks to the fact that we didn’t get saddled with babies just because we’d had boyfriends. Let’s also sweep under the rug the fact that Sandra Fluke was NOT looking for the “government to subsidize her love life”, but calling for private insurers to fund birth control pills for women the way they do Viagra for men, so that her friend with polycystic ovarian syndrome could get some badly needed relief and not have to pay a small fortune out of pocket for it. And I don’t recall her “screaming bloody murder” about anything, much less abortion; she always kept a civil tongue in her head. Unlike you, who can’t seem to write a single sentence without getting fucking hysterical and making shit up.
42. Tim Fucking Hudak. Look who hasn’t learned a lesson from the repeated trouncing of Rob Fucking Ford. Torontonians have spoken loud and clear, and they prefer light rail over more expensive, slow-to-materialize subways. Don’t look to a Con-tard to give the people what they want, EVER.
43. Colin Fucking Small. While the Repugs are screeching blue bullshit about blacks and Latin@s registering fraudulently to vote, whites — white REPUGS — are fraudulently destroying voter registrations. Take a wild guess as to the color and political affiliations of the applicants.
44. Lance Fucking Armstrong. O, how the mighty have fallen! Except that in this case, they were mighty only with the help of steroids…plus a number of other not-so-mighty things, such as BRIBERY. The Tour de France is now a tour de farce, thanks in no small part to him. Lance Armstrong is to cancer in general what the Fucking Komen Foundation is to breast cancer in particular. Fortunately, cancer research goes on without them. Let’s hope bike racing can also pick itself up and shake off the indignities he’s done to it.
45. Chris Fucking Brown. If there is any doubt that he is a mental as well as a physical abuser, let this put an end to it: He thinks it would be “totally hot” for a certain chronically insecure and abused sometime girlfriend (who need not be named here, I trust) to get a boob job. And just think, her dad wants her to marry this manipulative motherfucker, too. In case there is any doubt as to where her pathological insecurities come from, let this put a end to that, too.
And finally, to the fucking soooooooper-genii who selected the winners of the Queen’s Jubilee Medal. They picked two nutty, homo-hating fetus fetishists (one of whom is, comme d’habitude pour elle, in jail for harassing women outside of abortion-providing health clinics). It should come as no surprise that some of those sooooooooooooooooper-genii happen to be with R.E.A.L. Women, a group which can best be summed up as nasty, anachronistic old white male chauvinists in skirts. They wanted a chance to reward their own, and they somehow wangled it. And now we know why the Queen’s Jubilee Medal has been rendered worthless: This was meant as a slap back in the face of Dr. Henry Morgentaler, who rightfully and legitimately got the coveted Order of Canada for his work in getting bad abortion laws struck down while at the same time providing women with abortion services outside the auspices of hospital “therapeutic” abortion committees. Congratulations, bitches, your petty desperation for legitimacy is showing.
Good night, and get fucked!