Yeah, yeah, Slutever. Now fuck off.

Urgh. What have we here? Bad sex advice on an ostensibly feminist news site? Oh Jezebel, what have you sunk to?

People — women in particular — really need to get over the “is this degrading?” thing. If you have to stop and think about whether something is degrading or not, then it probably isn’t. I understand there are complex emotions involved in sex, so everything isn’t always black and white, but I also think that sometimes girls’ brains become so clouded by bullshit “feminist” ideals — “thou shall not be treated like an object,” “thou shall always be offended by men’s pervy remarks” (as if we are not equally adept at dismissing them, and dishing them out) — that we spoil our own fun. Don’t take yourself so seriously. In the midst of doing something you want and enjoy, why stop and think, “Wait, should I be getting off on this less and feeling exploited more?” It’s pointless.

Or how about this?

In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.) This is why mid-BJ is a great time to bring up things like, “Are we official?” or “Can I please borrow your car and $700?”

So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it. It might take a while to “feel out” (lol) if he’s going to be down for butt stuff, but even if your first attempt is a total failure, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never going to happen. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time, ya know? (To be honest, even if you’re someone who’s generally into anal, sometimes you just don’t want someone back there, like if you have to go to the bathroom or if you’re hemorrhoid is acting up or whatever.) Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie!

Ugh. That sucked. (Pun fully intended.)

But(t), fortunately, the commenters at Jezebel called that hipster-sexist shit out. As did Meghan Murphy and the commenters on her excellent article. So I won’t duplicate their good work. Instead, I’ll dedicate a few words to Karley Sciortino, alias Slutever, the giver of this craptacularly dim-witted advice.

First off, how about that nom de plume: Slutever. As in blah, blah, whatever. This makes perfect sense when you consider what the original, nonsexual meaning of slut was: “A slatternly or slovenly woman”, according to one old dictionary of mine. In other words, a female slob. Someone who can’t be bothered to think through her responses any more than she wants to bother analyzing her sexual shenanigans, or even use archaisms like “thou shalt” correctly. Someone who not only leaves her turdnuggets of Teh Stoopid lying out in the open, but doesn’t care if they grow stringy green fur for the winter.

Meanwhile, everyone else is holding their noses and trying not to gag at the stench. Sex is not “the real world”, with no real-world consequences or political implications? You’re not supposed to ask a guy if he wants a finger up his butt before you go ahead and try it — just surprise him in mid-oral, and keep trying even if he’s all no, no, no? What kind of woman utters (or believes) such bullshit?

I don’t know about you, kiddies, but to me, Ms. Sciortino sounds an awful lot like a female chauvinist pig. If you doubt me, just try a little switcheroo on the genders and pronouns. Pretend she’s a guy, advising a man not to bother analyzing his sex life from a (straw-)feminist “bullshit” perspective, or telling another dude to stick his fingers into his girlfriend’s vagina (or anus) in mid-oral without first finding out if she really wants that. And to just try, try again, even if she’s all no, no, no.

Sounds awfully sexist all of a sudden, doesn’t it?

That’s because it is. She’s basically telling women to submit unreflectingly to “whatever feels good”, and also to digitally rape a guy’s butt. In every instance, she is telling us to stop using our pretty little heads. (Or our pretty big ones, rather.)

We would never take this kind of advice from a man, and we would be rightly outraged if we heard a man giving it to other men. So why take it lying down when it’s coming from a woman? Since when is it “empowering” to either play into a pornographically constructed fantasy world (according to some unenlightened men, anyhow), or to turn around and apply the same dubious principles from that world, but with genders ever-so-hiply and “ironically” reversed?

Look: there is nothing empowering about not-thinking-things-through, or not-asking-in-advance. And just proceeding without reflecting is more often awkward than hot. But thinking and talking about sex with your partner? Making sure you’re both clear on what you want and why you want it, and being determined to give one another that, in safety and comfort, with full and enthusiastic consent? Hotter than Hades.

And empowering and lovely, too.

But hey….Slutever. If you don’t care about your readers’ well-being enough to give them sex advice worth taking, you shouldn’t be surprised if nobody cares about YOU, either. Nor should you be too surprised if your fifteen minutes of fame-whoring saloperie end rather sooner than you’d expected, and with a loud chorus of boos and fuck-offs. Now how ironic would THAT be?

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4 Responses to Yeah, yeah, Slutever. Now fuck off.

  1. Nolan says:

    As far as Vice hipster advice goes, at least Jezebel didn’t hire Cat Marnell to give love advice.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Yeah, that would have sucked just as hard. Her beauty advice for XO Jane was already going downhill fast. And whoever wrote their “Girl’s Guide to Drugs” just inadvertently made the perfect case for not ever doing any. They have lots of good stuff there, but advice is not their strong suit, to say the least.

      • Nolan says:

        I really do like most of Vice but sometimes their hipster trying to hard to not try mindset does them in – their overview of the Venezuelan election was cringeworthy.

        • Sabina Becker says:

          Ugh, tell me about it. I couldn’t even bring myself to watch their stuff on crime in Caracas. It just looked like more of the same old “Venezuela is falling apart under Chávez!!1111” that I already get too much of in my Google alerts.

          I loved the documentary on Faustino the Chilean cowboy, though. If only everything there were that thoughtful and genuinely provocative…

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