Wankers of the Week: Hurricane Hell Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Did you make it all right through Hurricane Sandy? Obviously you must have, if you’re reading this, and I must have as well, if this has gone out over the wires to you. Phew! Lucky us. Pray ’em if you got ’em for those who were less fortunate, and give a hand to anyone you can who’s needing help cleaning up and rebuilding. But don’t shed any tears for any of the following, who I wish had been simply swept out to sea, in no particular order:

1. Scott Fucking DesJarlais, again. I’ve listed him twice already: once for being a hypocrite about his anti-choice “values” (he counseled a former mistress to get an abortion while he was still in the process of divorcing his then-wife), and once again for lying about it (he claimed later that she wasn’t actually preggers, so nyaaaah). Now he’s getting it a third time…for treating his patient pool like a dating pool. The pregnant mistress in question was one of those women, as was at least one other who has since come forward about it. Isn’t it illegal for physicians to pick up women on the job? If not, it should be. It’s certainly unethical…as is prescribing painkillers for them at home, presumably while they’re there to do the horizontal mambo with him. Or maybe he considers that foreplay. Either way, ugh.

2. John Fucking McTernan. Sandy isn’t a hurricane…it’s a HIMicane! A GAY himicane! And the Illuminati are probably in on it too…having buttsex with each other, like all the gaylords do. How else do you think they magick these things up? A phenomenon of nature, made worse by global warming? Pish and tosh, I tellz ya. It’s all that sodomy whipping up the wind and waves…and all that hot air from the mouths of windy preachers!

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ZOMG RAINBOWS! If that’s not a sign that the queers were behind this, nothing is!

3. Peter Fucking Kent. It’s part of a government minister’s job to make himself available to the media for questioning from time to time. But try telling that to THIS so-called minister of the environment for the Harper Government™. He happens to be a former member (and a very mediocre one, at that) of the media himself. So I guess he learned just one thing at his former gig, and that is how to avoid being questioned at any great length or in any great depth about his job…which he is not doing very well, naturally. And which he is trying to prevent us from realizing that he is doing it piss-poorly, actually. When you’re being hosted by an industry cartel, rather than, say, the Sierra Club, the public might just start to wonder, eh?

4. Mark Fucking Halperin. Never mind that people are dead and there’s at least $20 billion US in storm damage to repair. No, the real question is, how will this affect all the campaigning. Well, hang in there, because in the case of our next wanker, I think we have an answer…

5. Mitt Fucking Romney. Why?

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That’s why. PS: Stay classy, Mittens. Oh, and I hope you fucking LOSE. Big time. PPS: No, really. Stay fucking classy, already. PPPS: Flipflops are not proper footwear during a nor’easter, dude. PPPPS: Clueless git.

6. Cindy Fucking McCain. Really…aren’t you glad she’s not the FLOTUS right now? This is her Ferragamo moment, no doubt about that.

7. Ann Fucking Romney. Speaking of FLOTUSes that ain’t, I’m also glad that she ain’t. Please, Ann, go back to your dancing horses (minus the huge tax breaks, of course), and leave the education system to those who know what the fuck they’re talking about.

8. Michael Fucking Brown. Remember Dubya’s pal Brownie (a.k.a. Drownie), who did such a “heckuva job” running FEMA during Katrina? He’s ba-ack…and he wanked a big wad all over His Barackness’s rather good (and timely!) handling of the Sandy crisis. Is someone angling for a re-run if Mittens somehow manages to steal the presidency? Sure smells that way…which is to say, of corpses rotting in fetid water…phew!

9. Jay Fucking Mariotti. Why?

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That’s why. Projecting his innermost being onto Gawker is SO gauche. Plus, his utter unconcern with the living (many of whom had to evacuate, some while gravely ill) and the dead (over 110 of the latter in the US alone) speaks to just what kind of slime his innermost being consists of.

10. Glenn Fucking Beck. And while we’re on the subject of slime, how about ol’ Biff? He took the opportunity to crow from somewhere out west about his stupid “food insurance” scam and the nonexistent prescience thereof. And to sling lies and…wait for it…SLIME at the president over a wild-eyed, nutjobbety bogus version of the Benghazi attack of last 9-11. Which, please note, even Condi Rice is not supporting. Who are his remaining sponsors? Perhaps they can be persuaded to pull the plug and leave him to glug.

11. Kristi Fucking Noem. So, you don’t believe in global warming? That’s nice, dear. Maybe when South Dakota turns into a dustbowl, you’ll believe it…

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…that is, if it doesn’t end up underwater first, as low, flat stretches of land along big rivers have a funny way of doing.

12. Donald Fucking Trump. Shameless opportunism-R-him. Ditto racism. I’m sure I’m not the only one wishing the hurricane had lifted him by his weave and carried him out to sea, never to be seen or heard (yelling!) from again. PS: Ha, ha.

13. Shashank Fucking Tripathi. Small brownie points for his modicum of self-awareness, but still a fucking wanker, and one who could have cost a lot of people their lives if his nonsense tweets had been taken seriously. From now on, I bet he’ll be finding his girlfriends only on Craigslist.

14. Sean Fucking Duffy. No, women don’t vote on the basis of who’s appeared in a “reality” show (please, TV honchos, think up a different name for those contrived pieces of unscripted ca-ca, PLEASE!) Nor do we vote on the basis of who’s “kinda cool”, “a good husband and father”, or, Bog help us all, “the cute one”. And even if we did, we wouldn’t vote for some lock-step conservatard. We’d vote for that hunky stripper who dresses (briefly) as a firefighter.

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Or better still, a REAL hunky firefighter.

15. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Just think of him as what you’d really be getting if you voted for #14, ladies. A death threat against your immortal soul for choosing equality and choice. Teh Sexay, right?

16. Nathan Fucking Jacobson. Between his post-Soviet mafia activities, his illegal online pharmacies and his big-spending chumminess with our beloved SupposiTories, this putz is just plain Not Good For The Jews. Or anyone else, for that matter. Oy, oy, oy.

17. Chris Fucking Webb. Tasering a kid on Career Day for refusing to wash the cruiser, just “to show him what cops do to people who don’t follow orders”? Yeah, that’ll really interest the little guy in a future with the police force. Or life as a street-corner squeegee kid.

18. Kristy Fucking Barnes. The reason WASPs and preppies “don’t get sensitivity toward their culture” is because they don’t deserve it. And the reason they don’t deserve it is because they’ve been shitting on everybody else’s color, religion and culture from the heights of their fucking WASPy Biff-and-Muffy privilege. They even shit on other WASPs if they’re not rich or preppy enough to attend the same boring old country club. But when you consider how lionized they still are in the media, in politics and everywhere, they do in fact “get sensitivity toward their culture”, and even downright deference — all undeserved, as they are no better than anybody else, no matter how much they fancy themselves. Now do you get it, ditzburger?

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19. Kyle Fucking Wood. Is there anything more pathetic than voting against your own best interests? Well, there’s campaigning for the guy whose entire party is against your own best interests. But even more pathetic is when you fake an assault upon yourself to somehow gain sympathy votes for the party and the candidate who will only hang you out to dry in the end. Instead, you become a laughingstock, a fool, and yes, you guessed it, even more pathetic still. (And it doesn’t help if you already have a criminal record for assault — against a former boyfriend.)

20. Howard Fucking Jordan. How to marginalize a political movement just as it’s gaining traction? Throw all e-mails about it into your spam folder. Don’t ever be accountable. Just ignore, sweep under the rug, equivocate and lie. Alienate everyone, even federal judges. In other words: Be a typical draconian police chief, rather than a servant of the public good.

21. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. I almost wrote Netanyahoo, which would be just about right, considering that only a compete and utter nut-‘n’-yahoo would believe that attacking Iran “would calm the Arab world”. Maybe, if the “Arab World” consisted only of the Saudi royal family, it might…but even in Saudi Arabia, there would be plenty of dissenters who felt that an attack on one Muslim country was an attack on them all. And not without good reason.

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22. Steve Fucking King. Is anyone else struck, as I am, by the irony of a guy from the party of Gucci bags and wars paid for by their grandkids’ grandkids, to start bitching about, well, Gucci bags and federal aid? And who voted AGAINST aid for Katrina victims, most of whom were poor and/or black? Srsly, dude, shut the fuck up, because if you’re in office when Iowa gets flooded, you know damn well who you’re gonna call. And it ain’t Ghostbusters. PS: That “Gucci bag” thing? A pure bullshit canard. But Condi Rice’s Hurricane Katrina Ferragamos were real.

23. John Fucking Koster. So, rape is just a “thing” that doesn’t justify abortion? What, exactly, justified this moronic fuckhead being born, anyway? Meanwhile, Poland got its pee-pee whacked this past week by the European Union for just that sort of moronic fuckheadedness. Dude! You forgot Poland!

24. Craig Fucking Brittain. No, this dude is not a “takedown lawyer” (or “hammer”) named David Blade, specializing in removal of personal pictures (usually of women and girls, natch) from defamatory websites. In fact, he’s not an attorney at all. He is a charlatan, a rip-off artist, and a flim-flamming fucking FRAUD. And he makes even the most blatant ambulance-chaser look honest and upright, which really takes some fucking doing.

25. Chris Fucking Brown. Yes, let’s all dress as religiously-bigoted (and racist) stereotypes for Halloween! Because that’s totally a licence to get offensive, right? PS: Yeah, mom. Now we know where he got his insufferability from.

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26. Paul Fucking Ryan. Yes, he looks every bit as stupid posing with a dead deer as you might imagine. Especially when you consider how he killed it. PS: And that’s not the only stupid-looking posing he does.

27. Daniel Fucking Jenky. Once more, with feeling: Hitler was a racist far-right white supremacist. He was also a devout Catholic. And he was deeply anti-choice. Kind of like Bishop Daniel Fucking Jenky, in other words.

28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Did the Pigman just give away his wet dreams when he said he thought Barack Obama and Chris Christie were having an affair? I bet he did.

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29. Karl Fucking Rove. He predicts Mittens will win. I predict that if this is true, it will be so for the same reason Dubya “won” in 2000.

30. Courtney Fucking Stodden. No, you are NOT Erin Brockovich. She’s famous for more than her questionable dress sense; you are not. Any questions?

31. Todd Fucking Akin. LEGITIMATE RAPE, asshole. The body has ways to try to shut that down, remember? Oh yeah…oops.

32. Richard Fucking Mourdock. You know you’ve sunk to a whole ‘nother level of low when Larry Flynt is offering a million bucks to pwn you. (Not that you haven’t already done a terrific job of that yourself, of course.)

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OMG, Tina Fey was right. He DOES have a grey face!

33. Conrad Fucking Black, AGAIN. Haranguing the Order of Canada committee, which is against the rules, just so he can keep an award that he’s not entitled to (and never has been)? Stay classy, Lord Blah-Blah. For someone who’s no longer a citizen of Canada, and who’s had nothing but snotty shit to say about it, you sure have a shitload of chutzpah.

34. Christopher Fucking Dabney. Assaulting a disabled vet in uniform is shameful enough. But doing it on Halloween, calling him a fake, when he clearly isn’t? And knocking him out cold? What a fucking disgrace.

35. Ken Fucking Mampel. Global warming is a fact, and a factor in the sheer size and damage radius of Hurricane Sandy, to boot. It is NOT “under debate”. It doesn’t care if you believe in it or not. You’re only entitled to your own opinions, not to your own facts. Take your FUX Snooze ideas of “fair and balanced” OFF Wikipedia, you fucking flibbertigibbertarian asshole.

36. George W. Fucking Bush. Mittens is not the only right-wing Repug who likes to park his cash in the Caymans. Dubya, too, loves the place so much that he gave a speech there, safely out of the media spotlight. Until now. Frankly, I hope the sun burns the smirk right off his fucking face. And that skin cancer takes care of the rest.

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No, better make that New York City sewer rats. Assuming they don’t consider it cannibalism.

37. David Fucking Ricken. Oh joy, oh bliss. Another Catholic bishop who makes the case for forcing the church to pay taxes. After all, if you’re gonna dictate how to vote…

38. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Aren’t you glad he’s no longer the mayor of New York? For that matter, aren’t you glad he’s not on the presidential ticket?

39. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. It’s been a long time since I listed him last, but dang me if he didn’t whip out his wet noodle and wank for us this week. What’s got Billo all hot ‘n’ bothered? The single ladies. And the fact that they just can’t get excited about Mittens and his shellacky hair and the Father Knows Best attitude that goes with it. It makes Billo, whose career is predicated on paternalism (and patronizing the ladies) feel unsexy and bad. Don’t worry, Billo, you’ll always have your falafel.

40. John Fucking Stossel. Did someone mention disaster crapitalism? Why yes, he did. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the reason why I say capitalism should be kept small enough to fit in a toilet, so we can flush it whenever it starts to stink. This turd is one such example. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna press that li’l ol’ flusher, and watch him circle the drain. And when I’m done that, I’m-a wash my hands of that smelly old piece of shit.

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And finally, to all the fucking price gougers and profiteers who #40 no doubt thinks are going to show the world the collective way. Sure they are…and it’s the way straight to the bottom of the crapper. There are people dying all over the eastern seaboard of the United States, and these bastards want to squeeze blood out of a stone. I sure hope that when the worst part of the recovery effort is over, they get what they’ve got coming. It won’t be pretty. Won’t be profitable, either, unless you’re in the tar, feathers and pitchforks business.

Good night, and get fucked!

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