Wankers of the Week: Petrenisgate

Crappy weekend, everyone! How’re you all enjoying the convoluted unfolding of the Adventures of General Petraeus and his Penis? Are you still following this soap opera, or have you given up trying? Are you only clicking on the salacious highlights now? (Not that it helps; every new chapter IS a salacious highlight.) It could all make you weary of life, and so could these people, in no particular order:

1. Grover Fucking Norquist. When, oh when, will he finally go drown himself in the fucking bathtub? Yes, voters thought Mittens was a poopyhead; but really, he didn’t need Barack Obama to point that out. His own actions and words did the job. And let’s face it: Most people in the world, never mind the US, are NOT rich. So of course a higher tax on the wealthy sounds good to them. That was the basis for the post-war period of prosperity, when the New Deal finally showed just how fruitful it could be. It scared the piss out of the rich then, and it still does now. Imagine, workers being able to afford a decent living! Proper hospitals, roads and schools for everyone, not just those who could afford to pay! No more virtual slavery! Dear God, what is the world coming to? Must lower the taxes on the rich NOW!

2. O’Neal Fucking Dozier. Another variation on “love the sinner, hate the sin”: “Muslim people are beautiful people, but their religion, which is Islam, is not good. It’s very violent and evil.” Well, the same could be said for Christianity. Especially when the same Christian who uttered that also said that gays “make God want to vomit.” No, I’m not gonna bother loving that sinner. I think I’ll leave that up to Jesus and just call this preacher a fucking wanker.

3. James Fucking Dolan. So let me see if I got this straight: Two weeks after Hurricane Sandy, with large swaths of New York and New Jersey still without electricity, and/or phone service, and those affected are supposed to call to get their cable service charges reduced for the time the power was out, or still pay full price? What, doesn’t your corporation have computers? Don’t you get weather reports? Maps of power outages? What do you need people who can’t call to call you for, exactly? And more to the point: Why not drop the charges for the duration without being asked?

4. Ronald Fucking Kessler. It’s kind of hard to be convincingly furious about the national security implications of Petrenisgate when the FBI is (allegedly!) leaking details of it to you. Don’t you agree, Mr. Kessler?

5. Paul Fucking Ryan. He lost the vice-presidential election, so what does he go and do? Tries to boss around the re-elected president AND lets fly with veiled racism (“urban” is the politically-correct New Black, apparently). He’s not from the south, so he can’t drawl “Boyyyyy” convincingly, but damn if he ain’t thinking “nigger-nigger-nigger” — and dog-whistling his dwindling followership to do so as well. Dude, please — stick to playing with your dumbbells and stop being one. The Red States LOST. Get the fuck over it!

6. Pat Fucking Robertson. Hey, Dirty Old Men gotta stick together, right? Right. And a man’s just a man who can’t help himself. Right? Right! That’s why Patwa (no slouch himself in the Department of Senior Male Creepitude) will never give David Petraeus a morality lecture on the virtue of keeping one’s Petrenis in one’s pants. Nope, it’s easier to just blame that fucking jezebel who just reached in and ripped said pants off before the poor devil could protest. Sin of Eve and all that cal, eh? PS: Ha, ha. Now we know who the REAL weaker sex is. And it ain’t women, bitches.

7. Holly Fucking Solomon. Don’t like the outcome of the last election? Think Obamacare is gonna leave you in the poorhouse? Well, here’s a bang-up solution to all your woes: Run over your non-voting husband with your car! That way, he’ll run up huge hospital bills while you rot in jail hammering out licence plates for pennies. Win-win!

8. Sandy Fucking Rios. Yay, the head of Concern-trolling Women for Amurrica has squawked up again! And this time she’s comparing gay relationships to slavery. Don’t ask me how she drew that comparison; I don’t speak Feckineejit. It’s just as absurd as her idea that you can catch Teh Ghey from watching two gay TV characters kissing.

9. Dick Fucking Morris. Dude. Seriously. Get back to toe-sucking. It’s what you do best.

10. Luke Fucking Russert. Nancy Pelosi is no fave of mine (I remember how she dissed Chavecito for criticizing Dubya; NOT SMART!). Still, it’s funny that her age should be an issue to a dude. Why are youth and beauty never up for discussion if leaders are male? It’s not as if we women have no eyes, although you’d be forgiven for thinking so, what with all the past week’s sex scandals and all.

11. Larry Fucking Klayman. He thinks Hurricane Sandy was God’s punishment for voting Obama? Even though it happened BEFORE the election, and there was actually concern that the power outages and debris would hinder the voting and maybe even alter the outcome unfairly? Not to mention that most hurricanes that strike the US do so in the so-called Red States, where it’s practically considered immoral to vote for anything with a D after its name, especially if it’s BLACK? And, really: If God is so mighty as to wipe out the Earth with more than one flood (!), and capable of speaking directly out of burning bushes and the like (!!), why would he bother sending such inanely coded messages? I already knew Loopy-Logic Larry was nutso for calling Chavecito a tyrant, but this is a whole ‘nother level of pants-wetting lunacy. He is literally one blown cerebral artery away from meeting his maker, and contrary to what he thinks, it ain’t God or Jesus. Please, Cthulhu, call him the fuck HOME, already.

12. Ann Coulter. And in other batshit far-right lunacy gone bad, we have the Coultergeist, who has become so repugnant that even the arch-Catholic Fordham University College Republicans are no longer booking her to speak at their little echo-chamber shindigs. Awwwww.

13. Glenn Fucking Beck. Never mind that the Broadwell/Petraeus affair didn’t come to light until just recently. No, Biff thinks His Barackness knew about it all along, and still put Petraeus in as director of the CIA just to discredit the military! As though doing such a thing wouldn’t somehow jeopardize national security. And if the military and the CIA are discredited, it’s their own doing and not any baroque manipulation from the White House that’s to blame. They’ve both been dysfunctional for decades; ask any country that’s ever been on the receiving end of their romantic attentions. I bet that’s news to Biff, who is forever cowering in his bunker with a warm stream of pee rolling down his leg.

14. Fred Phucking Phelps. And speaking of pee rolling down the leg (and please-Cthulhu-call-him-home), guess who’s gonna be raving like a fucking loon at some big car race in Austin? Yup, none other. Isn’t it time they carted him off to a home for senile fundie wackos, or something?

15. Mitt Fucking Romney. Boy, I sure wasn’t expecting to have to list Mittens again this week. But dang me, he did accuse Obama of basically buying the election, which I guess was to be expected from someone who was rich enough to do so himself, and couldn’t. Not to mention CHEAP.

16. Thomas Fucking Mulcair. Yes, it pains me to list him, as he is the head of my party. But his position on what Israel is doing to Gaza and Syria is fucking reprehensible. If the NDP isn’t pro-peace, then who in Canada is?

17. Chris Fucking Brown. He needs to go away. NOW. And seriously: An ugly dude like that, modelling? The only products I can see him advertising are wood alcohol and brass knucks. (And maybe crystal meth.)

18. Derrick Fucking Belcher. He wants Alabama to secede from the union because his local government shut down his topless car wash? Pfffffffffft. Sexist piggery aside, it’s like blaming the apple tree for the squirrels dropping acorns down your drainpipe. Wonder what this intellectual giant of the Working Poor will do when his red state (one of the US’s have-nots, in case you didn’t realize) is cut off from federal funding, and other states start to boycott his trucking business because Alabama’s not a state in the Union anymore.

19. John Fucking Metz. Hey dude, ever hear of a consumer boycott? In the age of the Internet, they’re remarkably easy to organize. Just as it’s easy for people to get wind of what a shitty boss you are and decide they’d rather work at some other fast-food franchise. If you’re smart (and I can see you’re not), you’ll eat the modest cost of Obamacare and stop being such a fucking dick. It’s not as if you’re not raking in the profits hand over fist, anyway.

20. Charlie Fucking Webster. OMFG, black people turned out to VOTE! In MAINE! Dozens and DOZENS of them! The horror! The HORROR!!!

21. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Back again, back again, piggity pig. Seems that Dr. Pro-Life Values has a history of pressuring women to get abortions. One of them was his own ex-wife. This along with at least one extramarital ladyfriend. And it’s right there in the court records! Which begs the question: Hasn’t this guy ever heard of birth control? How about condoms? A vasectomy? Leaving it all up to the women seems a mite irresponsible, don’t you think? And another thing: How desperate do women have to be to sleep with such a sexually unappealing fucking hypocrite, anyway? Poor things.

22. Don Fucking Cherry. You know your mouth is too big when bees try to sting it shut for you. But hey! Now at least both the NHL and its worst-dressed broadcaster are warming the benches. That’s good news for those of us who are sick to death of hearing nothing but hockey all year fucking round, punctuated heavily by pro-war rah-rahing.

23. Justin Fucking Bieber. Yes, please do show all the world why Selena dumped you, little boy. It will serve as a fair warning for anyone else contemplating a date with you. (I guess it’s never too early to start being an ostentatious douchebag, either.)

24. Bill Fucking Bennett. Wow, that is the most pompous expression of butthurt I’ve heard all week. And I’m totally loving that “lost the culture war” meme. Alas, I’m all out of ointment. And I’m not sorry.

25. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Wow, Old Saggy Man-Boobs really must have it in for Pussy Riot. He just essentially made it illegal for Russian dissenters to have any interaction with supporters from other countries. I imagine that has something to do with the fact that there is an internationally financed legal support fund for the imprisoned Pussy Rioters, not to mention numerous petitions on their behalf with signatories from all over the world. Or, to put it in Yakov Smirnoff’s terms: In Pooty-Poot’s Russia, treason commits YOU! PS: This, too, is a major nyet-nyet.

26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, he’s right about being part of the reason the Repugs lost. But then he goes right back around and tries to pin the blame on the Democratic donkey. STFU, Rush. When your policies are anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-worker, anti-immigrant, anti-minority, and just plain anti-human, THAT is why you lose, and why you deserve to lose. And why you will go on losing until the end of time…or those awful policies, whichever comes first. PS: And this is why you will forever lose, Rushbo. I doubt any Hostess workers will continue listening to your shitty show, at work or home.

.

27. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Singing songs conflating patriotism with patriarchal religion won’t shield you or your country against anything. They just make you look like a bigger fucking zealot than the Taliban, when all’s said. And as for Hurricane Sandy being a sign of God’s judgment, I’ll be sure and drag that canard out the next time a hurricane devastates a half-dozen Red States where the Religious Reich holds sway.

28. Mike Fucking Ritze. Spending $10,000 of one’s own for a misspelled monument that has no business on public property is rather a costly wank. But hey, he’s paying for it. Perhaps it should be left as is so people can see what you get when you elect imbeciles to public office.

29. Cope Fucking Reynolds. Good for you, you sure showed them pesky Obama voters, you sore loser. You now stand to lose hundreds of potential customers for your shitty gun shop. Not that there aren’t plenty of others in the area that will be more than happy to accommodate them. After all, they’re gonna need protection…and AMMO…should any other sore losers decide to come around their homes and give them a hard time.

30. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. FUX Snooze hires its female talking heads from the Victoria’s Secret catalog, and its male talking heads from the baboon cage at the zoo. Any questions?

And finally, to the Fucking IDF. I don’t know which nauseates me most: your self-righteous leafleting of Gaza while bombing the living shit out of it, your self-justifying tweeting, or your self-congratulatory Instagramming. You people are more tasteless than Kim Fucking Kardashian, and that’s really saying something. While you’re busy trying to starve the Palestinians out, I’m gagging on your obnoxious fucking egotism and hypocrisy. And I am far from alone in that.

Good night, and get fucked!