Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, here we are, a day into the apocalypse, and it looks like…NOTHING HAPPENED AFTER ALL. Bummer! And Grumpy Kitty thinks so too. Well, don’t fret, kitteh…we still have wankers to list, and this week, we have a veritable wankapocalypse. Brace yourselves, people, ’cause here it comes…
1. The Fucking Westboro Bastards. Yes, that’s right. BASTARDS. No self-respecting Baptist should be wanting to share the same name or airspace with these fucking turds anymore. And if you do — WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIT OF HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? PS: Ha, ha.
2. Tom Fucking Monaghan. Won’t cough up for employee healthcare because CONTRACEPTION! Contraception is “deeply immoral”. SAYS THE MAN WHOM NO WOMAN IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER HAVE SEX WITH EVEN IF HE WERE PAYING HER.
3. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Hey, Vicki…you think abortion caused the Newtown Massacre? Just so you know, here in Canada we have no abortion law. That’s right. NONE. Nothing in the law to stop women getting abortions anytime from the day the stick turns blue to the last possible moment. And we don’t have mandatory school prayer. AND we have stricter gun controls than you do. (Or USED to.) And yet, we don’t have nearly the number or the per-capita proportion of gun crimes that you do. God and abortion have nothing to do with gun massacres. So why don’t you shut your stupid bitch mouth, sit down, and think hard upon what a fucking idiot you are?
4. Carlos J. Fucking Lee. Quite aside from the uncalled-for name-calling in the title alone, one would have to be truly daft to spend $20 on an e-book by a supposedly reformed douchebag who spells asshole with a****isks, just to find out if some dime-a-dozen guy is really in love with one or not. Especially since plucking the petals off a daisy is absolutely free, and likely to be just as accurate. Free advice, ladies: When in doubt, dump. (You’re welcome!)
5. Dennis Fucking Richardson. Oh, STOP with the White Knight bullshit already. The last thing that’s needed at the scene of a school shooting is MORE FUCKING BULLETS FLYING AROUND HITTING PEOPLE. There has not been a single mass shooting EVER in which another civilian has come to the rescue with guns a-blazing and prevented the carnage from getting worse. The only ones who are truly trained and qualified to stop a shooter with gunshots are the military and the police. And it is the latter who prevent more killings like this one, because that is their job. The answer is not more civilians with assault weapons, it is NO MORE ASSAULT WEAPONS IN CIVILIAN HANDS. And oh yeah: Way to dishonor the sacrifice of all the unarmed teachers, the school psychologist, and the school principal, who risked (and, in three cases, gave) their lives to save those kids!
6. Korry Fucking Martinson. So, you’re willing to go out and shoot up more schools in the name of misogyny and gun rights? What a PERFECT way to make the case for much tighter gun controls. Thanks, you fuckin’ idiot! You’re doing my work for me!
7. Bob Fucking Blackman. See illustration above, which is just as applicable in Britain as it is in the US — even without an Appalachian Trail.
8. Mike Fucking Huckabee. When you’re already in a hole, stop digging. That’s not in your bible, but maybe it should be. And even then, I imagine you’d skip over that to all the stupid hellfire-and-brimstone shit instead. Medical disorders are “sins” to you? Contraception is “tax-funded abortion pills”? And the Newtown Massacre happened because God got angry? You belong in the motherfucking Dark Ages. Too bad you can’t dig your way back into the past. But hey, there’s always China…
9. Timothy Fucking Birdnow. All of the Teabagger Party Nation is fucking insane, but this mouthpiece especially so. How else to explain his touching faith in armed racist vigilantes as guardians of the portal? Oh yeah, and he’s #8’s soulbrother, too, because he also believes that an “absence of God in society” is to blame for gun violence. As opposed to the reality: A surfeit of heavily armed people, some of them very rabid god-botherers indeed, who go around shooting not only kids and mothers, but also doctors who provide abortion, LGBT people, and others deemed undesirable by the Teabagger Party.
10. James Fucking Dobson. He joins #s 8 and 9 in the Wrong Causes Hall of Shame. BTW, we’ve had same-sex marriage up here in Canada for several years now, and remarkably few school shootings in that time. Do you suppose we’re the country that God forgot? Or maybe She’s just favoring us for bothering Her so little? Questions, questions. Who’s got answers? Not this guy, that’s for damn sure.
11. Crockett Fucking Keller. Oh joy, the Obama- and Muslim-hating racist gun-shop nutter from Texas has piped up again. Let’s hope no teachers take him up on his crazy-ass offer, because the last thing that’s needed in a classroom is guns. A violent student — or invader from outside, for that matter — can always wrestle a gun out of a teacher’s hands…and what good will that gun do then?
12. John Fucking Lott. Of course, this week’s wankapedia wouldn’t be complete without the nuttiest gun nutter of them all. The guy who wrote the book that fueled all this insanity (and later cross-dressed online to promote it) is still at it, of course. And his bullshit is still bullshit, unfortunately for him. Even the Fucking NRA was smart enough to STFU this time ’round. But that’s okay, I’ll be more than happy to see him buried in his BS…and hopefully WITH it, as well.
13. Jack Fucking Kingston. Oh sure, blame the Democrats for the US’s lack of gun control. And the fact that the NRA has been lobbying and paying off Republicans (including, naturally, Jack Fucking Kingston) for decades? Sweep, sweep, sweep it under the rug.
14. John Fucking Bolton. Hillary Clinton’s concussion is a ploy to get her out of testifying over what went wrong in Benghazi? That’s funny, I thought it was something that happened when she passed out, fell and hit her head. But then again, loopy conspiracy theories are par for the course of Dubya’s pet sheepdog. Remember how he wanted to tear down the UN building…right before you-know-who appointed him to go there? Yeah…THAT sheepdog. Just can’t keep his big, crazy yap shut, it seems.
15. Sam Fucking Morris. Well, thanks for the warning about your sermon, preacher. You did say that it was not going to be pleasant, but you neglected to mention that it would be delivered by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. That’s right, I’m calling bullshit on your claim that teaching evolution causes school shootings. We learn all about it up here in Canada; how many shootings do we have, compared to you, who in your backwoods Tennessee “wisdom” have learned absolutely fuck-all from the Scopes Monkey Trial? Oh yeah, and another thing: You can’t teach anyone how to be gay. That’s just another product of that evolution you don’t want to believe in, and which is just going to go right on happening without your approval anyway. Funniest of all, though, is the shit about homeschooling being the only way to stop the insanity. ADAM LANZA WAS HOMESCHOOLED. Yes indeedy, that’s the answer to all this dangerous knowledge seeping in to threaten the preacher-man’s world…
16. Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Instead of reporting on the aftermath of the Newtown shooting, what’s she busy doing? Speculating on whether dead children can remember the massacre in heaven. Anything to distract the sheeple from the issue of gun control, eh FUX Snooze? PS: And speaking of speculating, this is just plain corny. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.
17. Tim Fucking Scott. So, gun control isn’t the appropriate response, even now? Even when rank-and-file NRA members are revolting against the anti-control dogma at long last? Then what IS the answer? Picking the “moral decay” nits out of deranged shooters’ hair, it seems. But more funding for state mental hospitals? A publicly funded healthcare system for all? Is that on the table? NO? Well, expect more shootings, then.
18. Larry Fucking Pratt. Once more, I reiterate: Time to drop that last T from your surname, old boy. When even Piers Morgan thinks you’re one, you’re ONE.
19. The Fucking NRA. Self-serving, mealy-mouthed pablum aplenty…but no “okay, we’ll co-operate with any gun controls you propose”. Oh, and blaming everything and everyone except who’s really to blame, namely guns and themselves. Fuck that noise. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: You know you’re sinking when…
20. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Anyone who’s seen how much trouble the UN has had with keeping the peace in strife-torn regions should know that its jurisdiction — and thus, its power — is sorely limited. The same goes for the POTUS and the Secretary of State. But try telling that to this crazy woman. She’d probably accuse you of having been indoctrinated by socialists, or something.
21. Charlotte Fucking Allen. And while we’re on the subject of crazy women, this one’s a real peach. The school shooting at Sandy Hook happened because nobody thought of Teh Menz! Oh sure, an adult with XY chromosomal configuration is as good as bulletproof. Because PENIS. Um, lady, if it’s any comfort to you, it was a MAN doing the shooting. And a male janitor made the rounds of the building like Paul Revere, sounding the alarm. Not to mention all those women throwing themselves, very unpassively, between the gunman and the kids. There…feel better now? Good. Now fuck off.
22. Megan Fucking McArdle. Hey, Randroid McAddled has had a nifty idea, which I hope she’ll implement some time: “Gang rush a shooter”! Great idea! In fact, I hope she’ll be at the front of the wedge next time there’s a mass shooting. Because, you see, she’s kind of a Social Darwinist, and you know what THEY’re like. I think it’s only fair and fitting that they all fall victim to their own “solutions”. That’ll leave the fittest of us to rebuild society without them, you see.
23. Donald Fucking Trump. Yes, heaven forfend that anyone should actually expose his beauty pageant racket for what it is. What’s next…will someone lift that hideous orange weave of his to reveal what lies beneath? I shudder at the very thought!
24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Is somebody miffed because TIME didn’t make HER their Person of the Year…again? Yup, it sure sounds that way. Other than babble like an idiot from the far fringes of irrelevance, what has SHE done? (I bet she’d attack like this if it were Malala Yousufzai, too. Because Malala is a non-Christian “raghead” and all.)
25. The Fucking SupposiTories. During a week in which our neighbors to the south mourned the deaths of more than 20 schoolchildren at the hands of yet another gunman, what do THESE lawn-order sheriffs do? Abolish the gun-show rule, which required police chiefs to be notified when a gun show came to town, so that criminal background checks of prospective buyers would not be neglected. Special dishonorable mention to the Minister for Trashing Public Safety, the Adulterous Walrus, Vic Fucking Toews, for being influenced yet again by his gun-nut buddies. I know who I’ll be holding responsible the next time someone up here shoots up a school!
26. Randolph Fucking Linn. Verbatim, when asked if he knew what Islam was: “No, I only know what I hear on Fox News and what I hear on radio.” And we wonder why he set fire to a mosque. I think we can all quit wondering now.
27. Allen Fucking West. Again with the Benghazi canards. I think he’s got Stoopid Flu.
28. Christopher Fucking Johnson. Need some wood? The only point this nutter has is the one at the top of his skull. Why else walk into an elementary school with a piece of lumber (!!!) labelled as a “high-powered rifle” at this particular juncture? Fortunately, he was cuffed and stuffed BEFORE he could unleash a motherfucking holocaust of wood chips and sawdust on the student body. But this is still quite enough to qualify as a wank, and him as a wanker.
29. Michael Fucking Jock. Meanwhile, in Florida, yet another ground-stander stood his ground and shot a guy for talking back, essentially, when the ground-stander aggressively berated him for “whining”. Since when is complaining about a late pizza order grounds to get your ass shot? Since the fucking state of Florida implemented “stand your ground” legislation, of course. Snowbirds, find a new place to migrate, or this could happen to YOU when somebody decides that Canadians flying south for the winter are a deadly threat.
30. Dwayne Fucking Bohac. And in Texas, the “right” to say “Merry Christmas” is now legally protected from the evil forces of “Happy Holidays”, thanks to a quick-thinking local Repugnican yokel. YeeeeeHAW!
31. Martin Fucking Ssempa. Thank you so much, Pastor Crazypants, for proving my frequently-made point that the loudest homophobes are all screaming closet cases. No one seems to have a greater obsession with gay sex — or fruit sex — than you.
Also, you seem mighty handy with that banana-dildo. Have you been practicing?
32. Pierre Fucking Poilievre. When the hell have workers EVER freely chosen to work in lousy circumstances, for low wages and no benefits? It simply doesn’t happen. The only people who freely choose that route are cheap-ass employers, who then FORCE it on employees. But hey! Pour enough “right to work” varnish over that turd, and maybe somebody will wear it for a hat, right? Well, Petey, pick that up and put it on your own head. Don’t bother shellacking it; you LAID it.
33. Fucking Ke$ha. What? Did someone hold a gun to her head when they “forced” her to sing that song that’s now unplayable? No, wait, I think that annoying dollar sign in her name had something more to do with it. Yeah.
34. Andrew Fucking Dice Fucking Clay. Why the double Fucking? Because he’s doubleplusunfuckingfunny. STILL. And he uses that “some of my best friends are fags” shit to try to get out of being called on his shit, too. Dude, that line is old, and so are you. Fuck off already.
35. Stephen Fucking Harper. “Our gun controls work”, trumpets Little Stevie Peevie. This is how he finally broke his silence, one week to the day after Newtown, and long after his Harper Government™ GUTTED our gun controls to bring them more in line with the US’s lax and shitty legislation, so that assault weapons from across the border have an easier time getting in, and police chiefs can no longer track who owns what. Fuck you, Harpo. Fuck you oh, SO very much.
36. Joel Fucking Rosenberg. So, Jon Stewart is “part of the culture” that killed the Baby Jeebus? Well, that’s awkward, because Jon is Jewish, and blaming the Jews for that is blood libel. Also awkward: There is no culture war going on, except in the fever dreams of the far fucking right. And if you’re going to blame a culture for the Newtown massacre, how about blaming the gun culture of the far fucking right, or the cuts right-wing politicians have made to mental healthcare? Oh dear…that, too, is awkward. Because that culture war is all too real, and civilization is losing.
37. William Albert Fucking Province. Yay, another asshat playing army in the boonies. This candidate for Father of the Year waterboarded his own kid (presumably to “build character”, or some such nonsense), assaulted his girlfriend, and threatened to commit some unspecified violence at a local public school and the local child-protection service (which, no doubt, was investigating him for reasons good). If this one doesn’t bear the pugmarks of the Fucking NRA, I’m a monkey’s aunt.
38. Bradlee Fucking Dean. Cuckoo conspiracy theories-R-him. Dude, stick to drumming; at least there, your stupidity won’t hurt anyone. Except maybe if you accidentally smack yourself in the face with a drumstick, or something.
39. John Fucking Boehner. Clearly, the Boner has never heard what Jesus said about not praying in public like a fucking hypocrite. Or about crying big orange tears of sozzlement, either. Go home, John, you’re drunk.
40. Campbell Fucking Brown. “Both sides do it!” No, they don’t. STFU, False Equivalence Poster Twit.
And finally, to the Religious Reich. If there’s a war on Christmas, as you keep asserting, why aren’t the manger scenes on every street corner lying in a pool of blood? Why are Santas not falling from the sky? Why are the herald angels still singing? And why, oh why, are your megachurches not empty of cultists? Are two inclusive little words REALLY grounds for so much screeching and hyperbole? Do you seriously believe the lack of “Merry Christmas” is behind all those mass shootings, and that if only more God were injected into the public discourse (as though there were any getting away from it already), everything would change for the better? I have some inglorious news for you wankers: Christmas would be merrier if you would only quit preaching so much fucking bigotry and hate.
So, from the heart of my bottom, I wish you all Crappy Holidays. Good night, and get fucked!