Wankers of the Week: Crappy New Year!

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Crappy New Year, everyone! By now, you’re either over your hangover from New Year’s Eve, or working on your next one. Well, sorry to inflict this on you, but it’s the first wankapedia of the year, and I’m rarin’ to go. Pop your antacids and wash ’em down with Alka-Seltzer, because here come your sick-makers, in no particular order…

1. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Either his new meds aren’t working, or they’re having the strange side effect of bringing out the worst in him, because he’s spouting homophobic obscenities. And no, Chuckles, a lisp does NOT make a faggot out of a maggot. (M is not a sibilant. Duh.)

2. Christy Fucking Clark. A cougar ain’t nothin’ but a mountain lion. And as for MILF, how about just saying “woman”? Jesus, no wonder the premier of BC is out of touch with her own gender. And no wonder the women of BC are alienated by her. Here’s a radical thought: How about just ignoring radio shock-jocks, who have absolutely nothing of worth to say about politics anyway?

3. Glenn Fucking Grothman. Does he even KNOW any black people? Or, for that matter, any white leftists? The reason I ask is because he seems to think he knows all about who celebrates Kwanzaa and who doesn’t. And of course, he DOESN’T.

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4. Sean Fucking Hannity. Awwww, da Baby Jesus lost half his viewing audience. My heart would bleed…that is, if he didn’t thoroughly deserve it by fucking up so monumentally during the last US election.

5. Eric Fucking Bolling. Speaking of losing viewing audiences, I bet that’s what he’s gonna do in the coming year, too. This in spite of his new year’s resolution. And his confetti-cannon stunt. After all, it is FUX Snooze we’re talking about.

6. Tom Fucking Corbett. So, Penn State shouldn’t have to pay for having had the winningest college football team in history, at the expense of sexually abused kids? Gee, how very state-minded of you, Gubnor. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that as state attorney general of Pennsylvania at the time, you had every opportunity to bust some bastards, and you did not. Better to sue pre-emptively than to get sued by those abuse survivors and their parents, eh?

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7. Danny Fucking Hafley. His racist caricature/lawn-jockey of Obama doesn’t make “smart comments”? Neither does he himself. Especially when claiming freedom of speech as his excuse for that bit of transparent trailer-trashery.

8. Joe Fucking Fischer. Has nobody in Kenfuckingtucky learned anything from the thrashing all the pro-rape, anti-choice Repugs took in the last federal election? Guess not. Nobody wants to see fetal fingers and toes or be forced to listen to a fetal heartbeat when she already knows that there’s no future for a pregnancy. Nobody, that is, except right-wing men whom no woman in her right mind would find sexually attractive anyway.

9. Michael Fucking Nodianos. Yeah, dude, rape is SO FUCKING FUNNY. And so is seeing your face and your name splattered all over the Internets, so you’ll be forever known as the wanker who thought that it was cool to watch his buddies gang-banging an unconscious girl “deader than” a variety of famous corpses…and then BROADCAST it on the Internets like it was something to brag about, instead of a hideous crime. Joke’s on YOU, now. Hope you enjoy being a leper!

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10. John Fucking Boehner. Go Cheney yourself, you perpetually pickled fucking Oompa-Loompa. Go Cheney yourself.

11. Clint Fucking Bristow. Fascist politician…common hooligan…really, what IS the difference? Only two days into the New Year, that’s all it takes for a member of the English Defence League to show his true colors. And get his sorry arse arrested for burglary.

12. Glenn Fucking Beck. So, he’s planning to fire the first staffer who even MENTIONS Obama? I wonder when his show will go off the air. After all, Obama-hating paranoia is you-know-whose stock in trade. PS: Ha, ha.

13. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingelheimer…sorry. I just find it hilarious that a former NAVY chaplain, of all people, has such crazy reactionary ideas about same-sex marriage. Just how many sailors has he ministered to with that murderous intolerance? At least now we know why he got kicked out.

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14. Larry Fucking Winget. Well, at least HIS last name fits. He’s a fucking wingnut, and he thinks that the US — the most pathologically macho and dick-obsessed country on Earth — is getting “wussfied” by yoga and other non-competitive forms of physical activity. Well, Mr. Wingnut, I do yoga, and I can drop your sorry ass in your socks. And if you think sports with no ball are “wussy”, I also know any number of weight-lifters who can crumple you on their foreheads like a pop can.

15. Joseph Fucking Sciambra. Speaking of wingnuts with strange notions of masculinity, how about him? He claims that gay sex causes the devil to fly out your ass. Something tells me the devil is speaking out of HIS.

16. Felix Fucking Aubel. Sticking with the demonology theme for an additional moment of stoopid, please give it up for this Welsh pastor, ladies ‘n’ gents. He blames “childless spinster” ladies for giving children the evil eye. Yep, that IS the oldest stereotype in the book. Isn’t it nice to see superstition still thriving in this supposedly so enlightened day and age?

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17. Francis Fucking George. Same-sex marriage is being legalized in an ever increasing number of nations and states, yet this cardinal sinner thinks it’s a “legal fiction”. No, it’s a legal FACT. And that gay people should lead celibate lives. Translation: Join me in the closet, boys, the Vaseline’s fine!

18. Angela Fucking Cornett. Outta the way, bitch, that parking slot is mine! And if you don’t move, I’ll just run you the fuck over! With a mind like that, how she ever managed to get elected as a school board trustee is beyond me. Oh wait, it’s Georgia. Never mind!

19. Mark Fucking Steyn. Letting kids be kids, and making the world less scary for them (and more civilized, and comprehensible, ahem) is infantilization! Bring back scary monsters and boogymen under the bed! Well, Mark, why don’t YOU go on Sesame Street, then? You could at the very least give Oscar the Grouch a run for his trashcan.

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20. Marion Fucking Hammer. Guns are not being banned because of how they look. Gun control is finally being debated in earnest because too many people are getting fucking killed by gunshots. But thanks, old white lady with an ugly haircut, for framing it to look like gun-control proponents are the racists. How many black people did you see joining the NRA during your tenure, again? What will you do when black Floridians get sick of seeing their kids killed by white guys, and decide to start Standing Their Ground? And considering the stupid arguments your side is making about more people being killed by hammers — an already debunked fallacy, by the way — I hope people will start to use the phrase “dumber than a bag of Hammers” with special relish from now on.

21. Diane Fucking Abbott. Hand in your feminist card, lady. You don’t get to blame obesity, “family breakdown” (whatever the fuck THAT means) and alcoholism on the struggle for equality, and still say you’re a feminist. You don’t get to misrepresent feminism on the one hand and lay claim to it on the other. And you don’t get to slag it like an MRA and still say you’re on side. You are NOT a feminist. You’re just another damn reactionary in a skirt. Start acknowledging that, and maybe you’ll begin to see where the real problem lies.

22. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Asians are “not liberal by nature”? Wow, now THERE is a racist thing to say. But maybe Billo is right. Most of the Asians I’ve met are NOT liberals, they’re socialists. Which is lefter than left, and very pro-working-class. And China and Vietnam are still nominally communist, too! But I’m not going to blame it on some inscrutable Asian gene pool thing. Because that would not only be racist, it would be really fucking stupid.

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23. Julian Fucking Fantino. Oh noes, Haiti isn’t providing a return on crapitalist investment since the earthquake! Why not say THAT, instead of talking bullshit about what “Canadians have a right to expect”? We don’t have any right to expect ANYTHING of Haiti, much less the success of disaster capitalism, which has only failed everywhere it’s ever been tried. Even the IMF has come out to say as much this week. Oops!

24. Ann Fucking Coulter. The Coultergeist has reached a new level of idiotic ghoulishness this week, saying that private medical records of women who’ve had abortions need to be made public, presumably in the interests of protecting innocent children from potential murderesses. Of course, the Coultergeist (who should never have been admitted to law school, much less graduated — and who clearly got all her degrees from diploma mills) forgets a couple of salient details: One, that medical records are private for a reason, and two, that murder requires malice aforethought. Sort of like the vile trash that constantly drops from her withered lips, in other words. Hey, I have a terrific idea: How about making all the Coultergeist’s private information public? I would love to see what mind-warping drugs she’s tested positive for.

25. Suaidi Fucking Yahya. Yippy skippy, another conservative male politician who thinks that delicate little women have to be “protected” from things that don’t actually harm them. Or, to put it another way: If women were meant to ride sidesaddle, they wouldn’t even possess the muscles that let them move their legs apart. Alas, we are constructed just like men in this regard. So much for the “honor” of yet another ridiculous anti-woman law. If you really want to protect women, how about teaching men not to rape?

26. Bob Fucking Marshall. Yet another tone-deaf wingnut who can’t take a hint from how badly his fellow wingnuts got trounced in the last federal election. If “pro-life” (and objectively pro-rape) is losing ground, what to do? Double, triple and quadruple down on the dumbth. If your transvaginal ultrasound re-rape bills fail, bring in four more anti-choice bills! Sooner or later, some of that poo has got to stick to the wall you’re flinging it at…right?

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27. Scott Fucking Lively. Karma is about to bite his dogma so hard…and in Uganda, of all places. You remember Uganda, don’t you, kiddies? That’s right, that place in Africa where the Religious Reich is taking its neo-colonial doctrine of murderous homophobia, having been thwarted in it everywhere else. Well, it looks as though gay Ugandans aren’t going down without one helluva fight. And in the US courts, too, no less! On charges of crimes against humanity. I would feel sorry for him, but he’s brought it on himself. I say he belongs in The Hague, but I’ll be more than happy to see him walk out of there with egg on his face. Which he will, since Massachusetts is one of the more progressive states.

28. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Sticking with the subject of “God”-vs.-gays for another wanker, it looks like all his time in the Religious Reich is starting to get to him. He’s now babbling his darkest sexual fantasies to the world. And what doozers they are! Thanks, Bryan, for letting the world know you’re secretly into drag queens in high heels and dangly earrings. They’ll be sure to take the warning and keep far away from you.

29. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yup, nothing like contempt for the working woman. And nothing says “contempt” quite like opposition to healthcare funding…including birth control. Well, here’s a wee bit of contempt in return for this latest Chick-Fil-HATE move: Fuck you, Hucky Fudd. And fuck Hobby Lobby and their made-in-China cheap junk, too.

30. Jamie Fucking Glazov. Who? I don’t know, but I thank Loonwatch for bringing this dumb fucking whackjob to my attention. Hello, shitbrain, Nakoula Basseley Nakoula is in jail for fraud and violating probation. He is no more a political prisoner than I am. If you want REAL political prisoners, then maybe you might want to talk about Gitmo, fuckass.

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And finally, to the 67 congressional Repugs who voted against the Hurricane Sandy aid package. Figures that you’re all from states unaffected by that particular ‘cane, but who never hesitate to bitch and moan for dollars when it’s your state getting wind-whipped and storm-surged. You probably all still think hurricanes are part of God’s punishment for being liberal and/or gay, eh? In that case, I’d suggest taking a harder look at what’s clanking around inside your own closets. Remember, the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was NOT homosexuality, but hostility and a distinct lack of charity toward strangers.

Good night, and get fucked!

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