Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, hasn’t this been just about the most underwhelming week from hell ever? I’ve got 40 (count ’em!) wankers for you, so let’s get right on with it:
1. Jeffrey Fucking Simpson. 25 years or so ago, when the Grope & Flail’s pundit was a yuppie upstart, people were calling him a “young fogey” for his geekish dress and prematurely outmoded opinions. Today, he’s no longer young, and what people are calling him wouldn’t be printable…at least, not in the Grope & Flail.
2. Tucker Fucking Carlson. And while we’re on the topic of young fogeys who are rapidly growing old, how about HIM? Yeah, Bowtie Boy, people really hate you for that silly thing you’ve got around your neck. Actually, we despise you for the shit that resides in that thing your bow-tied neck is holding up. And I sincerely doubt that white gloves will EVER make a comeback, and I won’t be wearing them even if they do, because I hate that prissy church-lady shit.
3. Jim Fucking Jordan. Freedumb! FreeDUMB!!! Why else would anyone ever want to own an AR-15, much less not do background checks on prospective owners of one?
4. Charles Fucking Krauthammer. Hurricane relief for blue states is “rape”. WTFFF I can’t even.
5. Derek Guy Fucking Johnson. And while we’re on the subject of right-wing anal haberdashers who don’t know from rape, this one thinks that it has to involve a “shredded vagina”, or it just doesn’t count. Why don’t he and #4 get together and duke this one out? I propose a cage match.
6. William Fucking Paul. Yup, Rand Fucking Paul has a son, and the kid’s a prat. Nice to see that the flibbertigibbertarian apple doesn’t fall far from the drunken, disorderly tree.
7. Gérard Depardieu. And while we’re on the subject of drunk and disorderly, France is now rid of one rich, batshit crazy tax evader. And on the other side of the ledger, Russia has a new problem.
8. Stephen Fucking Lennon. Gee, Pamela Fucking Geller, you sure know how to pick your friends. And all from the criminal element, too!
9. DebraLee Fucking Hovey. Nice non-apology, bitch. I have a strong feeling you’re not going to get re-elected in Newtown, since you have a political motive of your own when it comes to gunshot victims from mass shootings getting together to discuss issues that you yourself are unwilling to touch with a bargepole.
10. Thomas Fucking Tobin. No, same-sex marriage is NOT immoral and a threat to religious freedom. Shielding kiddie-diddling priests is immoral. And a large, wealthy church hierarchy dictating to lawmakers is a threat to religious freedom.
11. Peter Fucking Penashue. While Chief Theresa Spence starves in her tepee so that aboriginal peoples will finally be treated fairly under Canadian law, and is maligned by racists as a sponger, Harpo’s pet Injun is protected and coddled by the SupposiTory bureaucracy. The moral of the story is obvious: Be a token and a toady, and you can claim your own reward. And you won’t have to claim expenses, either.
12. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Not content to build apartheid fences around the West Bank and Gaza, now Bibi’s talking of doing the same to the Golan Heights. So typical of him to be kvetching about the “threat” of the Syrian civil war which he and his allies have actually helped to foment by arming and paying the rebels!
13. Joshua Fucking Boston. Want to play with bang-bang guns, kiddo? Then go back to the Marine Corps. You can’t very well claim to be defending the freedoms of your country by flouting its laws. Or by posturing like a classic misogynist against a female lawmaker whose career has spanned more years than your own punk-ass life.
14. Derek Fucking Shrout. Speaking of boys who shouldn’t be playing with guns, here’s a young white supremacist who built his own grenades, and was planning to use them against blacks and gays. If THAT isn’t cause for strict weapons controls (and closer monitoring of the junior ROTC program), I don’t know what is.
15. Bernard Fucking Fellay. Oh look, the old blood libel. AGAIN. Dude, that’s SO original. And you wonder why the Vatican is so discredited. This is what they all secretly believe, but only a few blabbermouths have the nerve to say. Which reminds me: Hasn’t this whole Pius the Tenth Society canaille been excommunicated yet? If not, WHY THE HELL NOT??? Oh yeah, that’s right: Hitler and Mussolini haven’t been excommunicated yet, either. Funny dat.
16. Alex Fucking Jones. One day, I fondly imagine, ol’ Alex will have to wake up, sober up, and admit to himself that there really is no such thing as that New World Order he keeps burbling on about. In the meantime, though, he’s reduced to clown-show antics like challenging Piers Morgan to duels over it on the Chicken Noodle Network. Which, he claims, is a propaganda organ of the you-know-what. Because he WOULD. PS: Oh wow, he’s even loonier than I thought. Yikes! Definitely not to be trusted with guns. PPS: And here you go. Five solid hours of fuckhead. How long can YOU last before you go ’round the bend?
17. Andrew Fucking Sullivan. Why are there so few female libertarians? Well, maybe it’s because women don’t like the idea of fetuses having rights while those carrying them don’t. Or corporations being treated as legal persons. And they’re not keen on minorities being stripped of civil rights, either. In short, it’s because women are not fucking stupid. Except, you know, the few like the rabid wing-bat in that ucky little video, who identify as libertarian.
18. Adrian Fucking Lamo. It’s now two years since Bradley Manning was arrested, thrown into isolation, and tortured. And in all that time, the wanker who put him there (and in danger of death) has only become a bigger one. All “poor me” and “I’m the real hero here” shit. Seriously, Adrian? Fuck the hell off.
19. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look, the Pigman is ranting and raving about same-sex marriage leading to the imaginary “normalization” of pedophilia. And the spittle is flying! That can only mean one thing: He’s projecting his own darkest fantasies aloud, which in turn means that the final, fatal cerebral hemorrhage we’ve been waiting for cannot be far off.
20. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Bikes are healthy and eco-friendly, therefore socialism, therefore SATAN! I think we have another cerebral hemorrhage situation developing here. One which would, incidentally, be remedied if someone would only (a) put down the damn FUX Snooze TV remote, and (b) get on a bike herself once in a while.
21. Don Fucking Cherry. Not only does he hate us bike-riding pinkos too, he also hates Haiti. Why am I not surprised? It seems he hates everything except loud ugly fabrics and hockey fights. PS: Michele Landsberg commented on my Facebook page that Sour Grapes is “Rob Ford in a silly suit”. Yes. Yes, he is. Ha, ha.
22. James Fucking Tracy. If you get your news from InfoWars.com, you’re not getting news. You’re getting crankpottery. And if you’re getting your Ph.D. from where this perfesser of media conspiracy theory got his, you’re getting your education from a diploma mill. PS: Oh look, he’s doubled down on the dumbth. What’s he gonna say when the families of the victims start suing him?
23. David Fucking Johnston. A Governor General is supposed to represent the British Crown, with whom the original native treaties were negotiated. If anyone ever wants to know just how much those treaties count for today, consider how likely he is to show up to a long-agitated-for meeting and, you know, REPRESENT.
24. Glenn Fucking Beck. I’m sure that gun nuts were crazy long before Alex Fucking Jones happened on the scene to amplify and intensify their nuttery. But seriously, this dude calling that dude nuts is the biggest case of “pot, meet kettle” EVER.
25. Dana Fucking Perino. Since when is a fictional TV show “conservative” just because “consequences” happen? If it were REALLY conservative, and reflective of the reality of conservatism today, the villains not only wouldn’t face any bad consequences whatsoever, they’d actually fall up and into positions of immense power, because evil and stupidity are rewarded in conservative country. Kind of like Dana Fucking Perino, in other words.
26. Paul Fucking Ryan. Speaking of evil and stupidity, how about him and his personhood bill? I’d say it fits both descriptions, wouldn’t you?
27. James Fucking Hagee. Oh, look who’s redefining marriage now…the dumbest fuck in the Religious Reich! Never mind the spittle-flecked homophobia, that’s nothing new for him. No, it’s the rest of what he said that’s the real wank this week. Suddenly, it’s only “Bible believers” who are married? Not Jews, not pagans, not Muslims, Buddhists or atheists. Only “Bible-believing Christians”! Who gave him the power to assert anything so goddamn fucking ridiculous? Surely not God. And Genesis 1:1 (King James Version) says only “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.” NOTHING WHATSOFUCKINGEVER ABOUT MARRIAGE. If you’re going to arrogate to yourself the power to decide that only heterosexual bible-believers are entitled to marriage (and that anyone else is “disturbed”), shouldn’t you at least remember what your own good book says? ALL of it?
28. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. Long-lasting shoes are a miracle from God? Well, in an age of cheap outsourced crap that falls apart and forces you to buy more, it’s easy to see where she might get that idea. But it’s still daffy nonetheless.
29. James Fucking Yeager. Oh look, another wild-eyed “weapons expert” who thinks even crazy people are fit to be trusted with guns. Yeah, I’m sure killing people is a very effective way of protesting any proposed gun controls. It’s also the perfect excuse for a total gun ban, fuck-ass! PS: Ha, ha.
30. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Well, now we know Billo doesn’t watch Al-Jazeera, because if he did, he would realize that there is not a single veiled woman announcer on it. And not one of their free, independent reporters has ever been beheaded for “misbehaving”, either — whatever THAT might mean. Qatar isn’t Saudi Arabia, but then I guess that doesn’t matter to Billo, because all of them Ay-rabs look alike to him.
31. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Why the fuck is she on an intelligence committee? She hasn’t any to speak of. She isn’t even sane! PS: And she hasn’t the Christian decency to pay her staffers, either. What is this shit about signing non-disclosure agreements regarding any criminal activity by the Batshit campaign?
32. Bill Fucking Donohue. Apparently fundie-rapturist teabaggers aren’t the only ones who don’t know what socialism is. Catholic anti-choice homophobic teabaggers are just as fucking clueless.
33. Ed Fucking McGovern. God hates queers…but apparently he’s cool with homophobic, hypocritical restaurant owners taking their money for meals.
34. Ted Fucking Nugent. I dunno about you, but I find it singularly hilarious that a guy who once sat for a month in his own shit to get out of a war he wasn’t brave enough to protest would suddenly start comparing himself and other gun nuts to Rosa Parks. Talk about getting civil rights so very uncivilly WRONG!
35. and 36. Warren Fucking Drouin and Steven Fucking Boyce. And speaking of dudes who ain’t no Rosa Parks, how about these two? They terrorized the streets of Portland with their assault rifles, thinking that this was the best way to “educate” their fellow citizens about the virtues of owning one. Instead, all it proved was that people are scared shitless of guys who tote those around in public…and for reasons good.
37. Larry Fucking Ward. And ANOTHER dumb, gun-obsessed white dude who has no business talking about civil rights. They seem to be having quite the week, eh? This one thinks that guns would have prevented slavery. Duh, no…humans not buying and selling other humans would have prevented slavery. Guns existed, and they didn’t do a goddamn thing about that! PS: Oh dear, here’s another awkward fact: The same nuts now agitating to get guns into any pair of hands that can hold one, however unstable the brain at the other end of those arms…also happen to have been historically in favor of strict gun control where blacks were concerned. Oopsie!
38. Phil Fucking Gingrey. Medical schools really need to stop training men to be obstetricians, because it’s obvious that this dude has absolutely NO grasp of how female anatomy actually works. He actually thinks there’s some truth to the ludicrous “legitimate rape” hypothesis! How has he never been sued for malpractice? (Or HAS he?)
39. Eric Fucking Bolling. No, rapid-fire weapons are NOT a constitutional right. Remember, the Second Amendment was written in the days when pens were cut from goose quills, and firearms consisted of flintlock pistols, muskets, and blunderbusses. None of which was capable of firing more than one shot at a time, much less in rapid succession.
And finally, to all the fucking racist assholes out there who still think Stephen Fucking Harper and all the rest of his fellow corporate fascist puppets are cool, doing the right thing about the pesky Natives, etc. This, I think, should make your heads explode:
That’s right, there are Natives in the military. Remember THAT when you talk out your asses about “supporting the troops”. Natives ARE the troops. Just imagine what’s gonna happen when they get sick of protecting your sorry ass from terrorists real or imagined. Better modify your thoughts and behavior so that it never happens, eh?
Good night, and get fucked!