Wankers of the Week: International Stupidity Appreciation Day

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, today is the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and a bunch of gun nuts in the US have declared it National Gun Appreciation Day…no doubt out of great sympathy for the feelings of all those who’ve lost loved ones in and after the Newtown Massacre. Not to mention the family and followers of Dr. King, who preached against all violence and was killed by a gunshot himself. Oh, and the event has been sponsored by white supremacists, too! Isn’t that just so sweet and thoughtful of them? In a similar spirit, I propose that today be henceforth known as International Stupidity Appreciation Day. And in this inaugural year of Teh Stoopid, let us now honor the following:

1. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Virginia is for Jesus freaks, and the state’s own attorney general thinks it’s just fine ‘n’ dandy if they break the law in Jesus’ name, amen. As a friend of mine who currently lives there asked, “What about for Mohammed?” Um, I believe THAT would fall under the rubric of terra-ism and jeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwwwd.

2. Marsha Fucking Blackburn. If guns are only as deadly as hammers and hatchets, then why don’t the gun nuts arm themselves with those, instead? Seems to me that somebody here is dumber than a bag of hatchets. PS: That word, “thoughtful”…it does not mean what you think it means, Marsha dear.

3. Phil Fucking Keating. FUX Snooze sent him to Florida to cover the Great Burmese Python Hunt, and he obligingly posed for the camera with a machete, making like John Belushi playing samurai-in-a-blender. Crocodile Dundee he ain’t.

4. Rick Fucking Scott. And while we’re on the subject of Florida, get a load of the guvnor of that crazy-ass state. He adopts a dog during his campaign (no doubt to burnish the ol’ family-man and wholesome-apple-pie-values image, aw shucks) — and then, at campaign’s end, returns the bowzer to the humane society from whence he adopted it. BTW, he named the poor animal Reagan, which may be why it freaked the fuck out. Is that any way to treat your best friend, Rick? PS: Ha, ha.

5. and 6. Suzanne Fucking Moore and Julie Fucking Burchill. Christ, what the fuck is going on over there across the pond? Transphobia and narcissistic wanking all over the fucking place. Ugh! Listen, you two: You don’t get to decide who’s a “real” woman and who’s not. You also don’t get to call people bullies just for politely trying to set you straight. And you don’t get to write a dog’s breakfast full of self-pity about how you are the only oppressed women/True Leftist Feminists on the fucking planet because Fleet Street classism and blah blah blabbity blah blah. Because you are bloody well NOT. Pull your heads out of your own rectums and learn to see past the ends of your noses. Recognize that all kinds of bigotry come from the same place, that they are ALL shit, and that you are not entitled to hold any of them. It’s not hard; if a cisgendered white heterosexual middle-class dame like me can do it, ANYONE can.

7. Denny Fucking Peyman. Uh oh, someone doesn’t understand the Second Amendment. Here it is, with all doubt removed for the benefit of those who are hard of thinking:

And remember: If it’s just another bunch of pudgy neo-Nazi clowns playing army in the woods, it doesn’t count.

8. Glenn Fucking Beck. I guess the irony of a libertarian commune is totally lost on him. As is the hilarity of the idea that anyone would pay to live in such a place.

9. Ann Fucking Coulter. Yeah, sure, the US has a demographic problem and not a gun problem. But the demographic problem isn’t blacks or Muslims — it is the insecure, paranoid, stupid racist white people who keep buying those guns, and who’ve been buying them at unprecedented rates since a black dude (who they think is a Muslim) became president!

10. John Fucking Rocker. Oh look, he’s decided to start wanking again…and to out himself as yet another white moron who thinks guns would have prevented the Holocaust. Yeah, sure they would have. But only if they’d been OUT OF THE HANDS OF THE FUCKING NAZIS, idiot.

11. Lynn Fucking Hughes. And in OTHER stupid-racist-white-people news, would somebody please ram a bucket of fried chicken down this tacky-ass judge’s gullet? Thank you.

12. Lance Fucking Wallnau. Because Jesus would totally withhold a diabetes cure from anyone who didn’t believe in him. Well, dude, you’re not Jesus, and I don’t believe in you OR your “miracle” cure — which is undoubtedly yet another variation on the basic theme of snake oil.

13. Reince Fucking Priebus. Can’t get your sorry party elected in places where the people are too damn smart to vote for you? Do what right-wingers have only been doing since time immemorial…rig, gerrymander, and steal.

14. Michael Fucking Savage. Antivaxxer paranoia is so lovely. It always makes me wish that the spreaders of this contagious brain disease catch everything they’re constantly and forever telling the rest of us not to get vaccinated against. And in his case, it makes me wish he’d die of the flu, and so help cleanse the gene pool of Teh Stoopid that much faster.

15. Walter Fucking Jones. Anti-Islamic paranoia is also lovely. Heaven forfend that college students should have actual facts at their disposal about other religions, instead of only racist bullshit approved by fundie preachers!

16. George Fucking Burnett. Hey asshole, I’m not a liberal. I’m a socialist. What would you charge me for a smoothie? Oh wait, don’t answer — I’m never gonna patronize your shitty shop, because I don’t like to drink overpriced sugary crap put out by self-righteous twatwaffles who can’t mind their own fucking business.

17. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Please, Rupee, for the love of Bog, get the fuck out of the journalism bidness already. If you’re going to ask how a 6’5″ social worker got to 400 pounds, speculating that she must have been on welfare, food stamps, etc., when in fact she is employed, you’re just a shitty, senile hack who can’t deal with even the most basic facts.

18. Steve Fucking Toth. Everything’s big in Texas, including the effrontery. And Teh Stoopid. Both of which are ingredients in this dumb shitkicker’s illegal bill, which is trying to trump federal law in express violation of the constitution itself.

19. Derek Fucking Seymour. Addiction is, in fact, an organic condition of the brain. Stupidity? Sorry, that’s acquired by keeping your mind firmly closed to anything that doesn’t jibe with your simplistic view of the universe. Maybe you should leave talk of science to those who actually know a thing or two about it…eh?

20. Joyce Fucking Fecteau. No, spraying a pro-choicer with holy water will not suddenly make her evaporate, like the Wicked Witch of the West. But it WILL net you a well-deserved assault charge, as well as derision for being a superstitious old bat. PS: Tell your fucking husband to stop videotaping patients going into the clinic, too. That’s invasion of privacy and intimidation, bitch.

21. and 22. Samantha Fucking Golt and James Fucking Crow. As my friend Ryan so perfectly puts it, “Now we can’t even keep rape culture to our own species.” Nope, it’s literally gone to the dogs. And personally, I don’t think “woof” counts as consent.

23. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Meanwhile, in other news of the weird and unnatural, Batshit had something weird going with her debate coach. Precisely what it was is still coming out, but apparently the Svengali even forbade her to sleep with her own husband on the campaign trail. (Somehow, I doubt either of them had any difficulty complying with that. Marcus Fucking Bachmann always sets my gaydar off big-time.)

PS: Ha, ha.

24. Pamela Fucking Geller. Sticking to the theme of batshit crazy wingerettes for a bit, how about her? Isn’t it funny that she defends a fellow wingnut’s projections? Guess she’s just a backward fuckin’ savage, like her pal Kevin Fucking Carroll.

25. Mark Fucking Levin. Okay, fascist radio guy, you’ve had your 15 minutes. Back to obscurity you go!

26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Speaking of fascist radio guys, the Pigman seems to think guns belong in women’s uteri. I say his right temple might be a better place to point that thing.

27. Erich Fucking Pratt. So, let’s see if I got this straight: Ronald Reagan is a hero to the right when they need somebody with a macho cowboy film-star image to furnish a cozy nostalgic front for their bullshit, but then he was a senile old dodderer when he did something that happens to fall out of line with their current crazy position on whatever? Got it.

28. John Fucking Mackey. Obamacare is “fascism”? No, fascism is the merger of corporations with government. Government’s job is not to hold handies with corporations, but to hold them accountable and make them pay their share for the proper running of society; that’s how DEMOCRACY works. Hope you enjoy your next big liberal consumer boycott, Mr. Whole Foods Guy. PS: Oh no, you didn’t!

29. Joseph Fucking Menard. Dude, if you go to see a Barbra Streisand film, you’re gonna have to reckon with a lot of gay guys in the audience. And if that sets off your own latent tendencies, don’t assault…go home and crawl back into your closet, and rock. Preferably in the fetal position.

30. Rick Fucking Perry. If prayer stopped bullets, don’t you think there’d be fewer gun deaths in the US, instead of the walloping huge numbers there are? After all, it’s the land of God-botherers!

31. David Fucking Barton. No, history does NOT show that schools armed to the teeth are safer. Quite the opposite. Who wants to go to school at the fucking OK Corral?

32. Gary Fucking Loveman. Yeah, great, cut Social Security. Great idea. That ought to send seniors to your Vegas casinos in droves to make up the shortfall in their already scanty incomes, eh?

33. James Fucking Tracy. So, he’s under an academic probe for his Newtown conspiracy nuttery? I should hope to shout. Academic freedom is not the same thing as an untrammelled right to intellectual irresponsibility.

34. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Our national garden gnome had no idea the rules also applied to him. Aww. Isn’t that special? Hey, Jimbo: RESIGN.

35. and 36. Frank Fucking Gaffney and Andrew Fucking McCarthy. Who’s dumber and crazier than Michele Fucking Bachmann? These two. They felt the need to gin up an entire “Islamist agenda” just to defend her stupid crazitude from being “borked”. How sweet of them!

37. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Won’t somebody think of the children? She does, all the time…crazy, insane, stupid thoughts about how they’re being used as “human shields”. When will this unhinged woman finally be locked away?

38. Rick Fucking Santorum. Ah, Buttsploodge…how can we miss you if you never go away? Fess up: You really ARE on a vendetta against smart people, aren’t you? You crazy stalker, you!

39. Jonah Fucking Goldberg. He’s never yet realized the irony inherent in any of the stupid shit he blathers, so you can probably guess that Mr. “Liberal Fascism” won’t realize the irony inherent in his latest droppings, either. Much less the futility of his own fascist side persuading those smarter than they are of anything.

(Poor Pigpen. What has he done to deserve such a comparison?)

40. Tim Fucking Donnelly. If guns are truly “absolutely essential to living the way God intended for us to live”, why are there none in the Bible, fart smeller? And really…does God intend for us to go around shooting each other? And how exactly is that supposed to jibe with “defending human life”? By that logic, I bet you also think God wants us to pollute rivers and hack off mountaintops and frack all our groundwater to death, eh?

41. Tim Fucking Hudak. If Mike Fucking Harris’s little Mini-Me seriously thinks that welfare recipients are spending all that money on shit they don’t need, he should try living on it for a year and see how far it gets him. Maybe then he’ll rethink his whole poor-bashing strategy — which is a direct descendant from that of Mike Fucking Harris, in case you were wondering. And yes, our welfare system remains as broken as it ever was after Mikey got through with it. So Timmy really has nothing to bitch about, unless he thinks his old boss wasn’t mean enough.

42. Lance Fucking Armstrong. Used to be, back in the day, that when I watched Oprah Winfrey, I’d be sure to see some genuine people, tackling genuine issues with genuine emotion. Now we get lying liars, still lying their asses off. And not even putting on a very convincing show of it, at that. Case in point: Mr. Monorchid himself. He went on only to repair the damage his image took, and failed. Not that I believed the hype about him even when he was still golden; you don’t beat a field full of incredibly accomplished cheaters by staying clean. Especially not seven fucking times. He’s lucky, though: All he lost was a testicle. And his credibility. He won’t be getting either of them back, and that’s fine with me.

PS: And this is just one small part of why I’m not sorry. Yeah, he’s more than a wee bit of a fucking asshole. And his “jokes” are about as funny as nausea.

43. David Fucking Keene. Looks like Wayne the Peter isn’t the only whining, cringing, gibbering lunatic running the NRA show. Seems they have a president as well as a CEO…just like any good corporation composed of paranoid, greedy, jack-legged freaks.

44. Thomas P. Fucking Lowe. It’s one thing for a divorce lawyer to have sex with his soon-to-be-single-again client. But not to refer her to another attorney…and to bill her for it? That’s putting yourself squarely into gigolo territory, there.

45. Domingo Fucking Alcibia Fucking Rivera. Why the double Fucking? Because what he did is a doubleplus-WTF. Raping an unconscious woman is fuckery enough, but doing it on the floor of the Chuquisaca departmental parliament…ON CAMERA, no less? Yeah, that’s doubleplus-disgusting, wouldn’t you say? Or, to put it another way: Mano duro, Evo.

46. Donald Fucking Trump. Because being complimented by him is worse than being insulted by just about anyone. And because he’s just really motherfucking gross.

47. Andy Fucking Hughes. If rape “isn’t THAT bad”, then I’m sure “Arry Bo” will have no problem receiving my splintery broomstick up his Nazified rectum, as far as it will uncomfortably go, as many times as it takes to make him pass out…wot?

48. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil Went Down to Georgia, and messed with this fiddlin’ fool’s head. I guess that’s the most charitable explanation for how he became so racist, paranoid and all-around fuckheaded.

49. Pattie Fucking Mallette. Moolah and crapaganda…what could be more unholy than the two put together? Not content to have unleashed the Curse of Justin Bieber upon a cringing world, the womb that spawned him is now a filmmaker…trying to raise money for the same fucked-up cause that made her decide to bring this little wanker out into the light of day. Hey, why not cash in on your kid’s millions AND not donate a cent of same to your “charitable” cause of (anti-)choice?

50. Holly Fucking Morris. Finally, a FUX Snooze “reporter” lets slip the word that all white conservatives are constantly thinking, but just can’t bring themselves to say, with regard to the president. Isn’t this honesty a refreshing change?

And finally, to the Fucking NRA. Last month, they were blaming “shooter” videogames for the Newtown Massacre. This month, what do they do? Market a shooter game to children as young as four. Yes, that’s right…to kids too young to even go to kindergarten. And they’re targeting Barack Obama’s daughters, too. Funny how they never kvetched about any other president’s kids receiving Secret Service protection, even though it’s customary for all of them. Do you suppose they need a mental health check? If they get it, they will probably end up failing. After all, their contention is based on bullshit from the Ghost of Breitbart. They really do all deserve to have their assault weapons confiscated, at this rate. They are nothing short of a menace to all of North American society. And even the conservatalkers are starting to get sick of their shit. PS: Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!