Wankers of the Week: Papal Bulldozer

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that papal abdication? Even God Herself never saw THAT one coming. But Karma could yet have its way with His Former Holiness; once he retires, he may face a lawsuit by victims of priestly sexual molestation. After all, he’s the one who knows where all the bodies are buried, so to speak; he’s the one in charge of sweeping it all under the rug, and has been since he was John Paul II’s head inquisitor. No wonder the old boy’s tired, that’s a lot of sins to have to answer for. I wouldn’t want to be standing in HIS ruby slippers before the judgment seat, that’s for sure. Meanwhile, here are the rest of this week’s unregenerate sinners, in no particular order:

1. Diana Fucking Medley. Thanks to her and other bigots like her in Sullivan, Indiana, the word “traditional” has been redefined. It now means “bigots only”. It is now “traditional” to believe that “gays choose to be that way”, and that “they have no purpose in life”. Kind of like this so-called special ed teacher, who I imagine is going to have a much harder time teaching queer kids to hate themselves, and organizing ostracisms — er, sorry, “traditional proms” — in the very near future. PS: Sign, sign, sign if you haven’t already.

2. Ezra Fucking Levant. Gotta hand it to the Putz, he sure is a persistent little bigot. Not daunted by the cancellations of his previous conserva-cruises (for lack of attendance!), this year he’s trying it again. And he has a secret weapon, which is sure to draw massive crowds: Pamela Fucking Geller!

3. Annette Fucking Schavan. Is there anything more deliciously ironic than an education minister who plagiarized her doctoral dissertation…and is, therefore, NOT all that educated? Maybe, somewhere in the world…but in Germany, this is IT, kiddies. (And, on the bright side, she’s got a new job all lined up…alongside Margaret Fucking Wente at the Grope & Flail.)

4. Steve Fucking Stockman. Oh joy, oh bliss. He’s invited Ted Fucking Nugent along as his date for the State of the Union address. I bet the Noodge shat his pants just for the occasion.

5. Joshu Fucking Sasaki. Just to show that Christians don’t have anything like a monopoly on priestly sexual molestations, how about this old Zen Buddhist leader? Apparently, being groped by a centenarian is some kind of road to Enlightenment. Or so it is to hear HIM tell it. What was that New Age book about meeting the Buddha on the road called, again?

6. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman has been his usual KKKlassy self this week, speculating that the SOTU speech would include snippets of a now deceased cop-killer’s “manifesto”. I’m sure he must be very disappointed that it didn’t.

7. Joe Fucking Walsh. Aww. Da poor widdle teabag sez he can’t make his child support payments? I have zero sympathy. He should have kept it in his pants, like he and his ilk are always telling women to do.

8. Julian Fucking Fantino. You can take him out of the cop shop, but apparently you can’t take the business of persecuting LGBT people out of him. Not only did he okay a CIDA grant to a disgusting anti-gay church that supports Uganda’s “kill the queers” law, he’s actually DEFENDING said shitty decision this week. Meanwhile, liberal churches can go hang. On a cross. With Jesus. Of course.

9. Ted Fucking Nugent. He shat his pants to avoid the draft, and he still has the nerve to talk about “demilitarizing” for the SOTU? Yup. This is the brand of bravery that’s upholding the Second Amendment, folks. Never forget! PS: Trololololo! He sure looked about to shit his pants when they sat him next to that gay guy. Ha, ha. PPS: Oh look, look who has no idea what an assault weapon is. Nobody tell the Stooge that the “modern sporting rifle” industry actually coined that term when it started marketing shit like the Bushmaster ASSAULT rifle, eh?

10. Jonah Fucking Lehrer. He lies, he plagiarizes, he fabricates, he self-plagiarizes…and gets paid in the quintuple digits to masturbate on stage about it all. Nice work if you can get it. Now, who do you have to blow?

11. Marco Fucking Rubio. He may be very pretty (in a face-you-want-to-put-your-motherfucking-fist-through sort of way), but he is certifiably bat-guano. Where did the teabaggers dig him up? In a filth-caked cave under a sinkhole. That is to say, in Miami. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha! PPPS: Bwahahahahaha!

12. Steve Fucking Crowder. Uh oh, was that a rattling I heard at the closet door? Macho Man likes him some Greco-Roman wrestling. While I’m all for keeping the classical sport in the Summer Olympics (mixed martial arts, to bring in more dollars? Urrrrrgh…), it seems to me that this clown is overplaying the straight-man routine just a little. Between the “Oh look, I discovered married HETEROsex, wuh-huh!” and the “Boy, I sure showed that union thug”, this third strike, well, it just strikes me as a little ol’ bit of BITCH, PLEASE! Also: He’s CANADIAN? The US can have him. Srsly. If he ever came back up here, he’d probably end up wanting a divorce, so he can gay-marry someone else, and the gay guys up here are all barfing their guts out at the prospect of a right-wing hypocrite hitting on them. Also, that blatant nose job and those suspiciously inflated Popeye arms are, er, simply FABULOUS (she said, dripping schnark all down her cleavage).

13. Stephen Fucking Harper. And speaking of guys named Steve who are not wanted in Canada, get a load of our lovely so-called prime minister and his contempt for aboriginal women. Their lives don’t matter. All that matters, obviously, is ramming that motherfucking pipeline through miles of pristine wilderness on native soil. And for that, those dang Injuns only get in the way.

14. Ron Fucking Paul. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Isn’t that what all the flibbertigibbertarians always say? Why yes, it is. So, then, riddle me this: Why are they always robbing the public purse for lunch money?

15. Rick Fucking Bratton. And while we’re on the subject of riddles, here’s another: Why are all the proponents of “intelligent design” so goddamned STUPID?

16. John Fucking Hickenlooper. No, fracking fluid is not really drinkable, any more than plutonium pellets are breakfast cereal. But hey! If you’re gonna drink the shit ritualistically, how about using the real thing, in tap water? For true ritualistic flair, you could even set it on fire. Eau flambé, anyone?

17. David Fucking Jones. Gay couples can’t raise children, huh? Tell that to my best friend and his spouse, who’ve been together for close to 25 years now, and are raising two adopted sons. Oh wait, they can do that because gay marriage and adoption are legal in Canada, and a growing number of US states, too! (And, BTW, I know of few places warmer and safer than my friends’ home.)

18. Pat Fucking Robertson. Please, Cthulhu, call Patwa home already. I can’t stand his shit for much longer. His brand of so-called Christianity is not a real religion. It’s demonic, and you and I both know it.

19. Joe Rickey Fucking Hundley. Yeah, racism on a flight is just totally kosher. Especially when it’s directed at a baby who’s crying because of an abrupt change in altitude. And doubly so when you’re stinkingly drunk, with a prior record for assault with a motherfucking corkscrew.

20. Michael Fucking Martelli. No, your “sources” are NOT confidential and anonymous. They are VULTURES. They stole a deceased abortion patient’s private and confidential medical records. They are criminals. And so are you, for profiteering off the woman’s death, AND for covering their criminal ass. You should be arrested, you anti-choice bastard. And I hope you are…SOON.

21. John Fucking Baird. Oh look, Squealer the Election Stealer has gone to Cuba and Venezuela. No doubt to lecture them on democracy…quite unaware that both countries have it, and theirs is actually better than ours right now.

22. John Fucking Duncan. So, the minister for aboriginal affairs is out. Too bad it’s not for how he mishandled Attawapiskat. Nope, it’s just an unsexy, inappropriate letter to the Tax Court. Oh well…don’t let the door hit ya. No, wait…please do!

23. Bradlee Fucking Dean. Speaking of people whom the door should hit…too bad, so sad, bwahahahaha.

24, 25 and 26. Brian Fucking Kilmeade, Martha Fucking McCallum, and Bill Fucking Hemmer. Because you just KNOW that if the 102-year-old woman who’d endured a three-hour wait to cast her vote had been white and Republican, they’d have been huffing and puffing about the outrage, and clutching each other’s pearls over it.

27. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. I scream, you scream, but nobody screams louder than Bibi. Trust me on that one.

28. Rayne Fucking Brown. Nothing is more threatening to the status quo than women’s equality…and nothing more threateningly emblematic than boobs bared in protest, apparently. Never mind that North Carolina has plenty of pudgy guys whose bitch-tits rival those of the average woman. Nope, it’s only the women who will be expected to cover theirs, and duct-tape their nipples. To protect the virgin eyes of all those around them, natch.\

29. Tim Fucking Moore. Speaking of boobs and duct tape, how about some for his mouth? It won’t prevent public indecency, but it will at least keep him from constantly shoving his feet in it.

30. John Fucking Ragan. You can’t say gay in Tenessee…but you can, and SHOULD, say motherfucking idiot, because that’s what this one is. And speaking of mentally unhealthy, that’s precisely how I (and any responsible psychologist) would characterize such a raging case of homophobic douchebaggery.

31. Tim Fucking Tebow. I know this may come as a shock to precisely two of you, but it seems that St. Timmeh of God’s Gift to the Anti-Choice Racket has been signed to speak at a nasty-ass church in Dallas that hates both Jews and gays. In light of the fact that he did some charity work helping out with circumcisions a few years back, I foresee a tee-tiny bit of homoerotically homophobic awkwardness coming.

32. James Fucking Wagner. No, the three-fifths compromise was NOT a great pragmatic anything. It was more than three-fifths stupid…and if you don’t believe me, try to put yourself in the shoes of only three-fifths of a person.

33. The fucking anti-vaccine movement. Thanks to them, whooping cough is now on the rise after decades of decline, and there are outbreaks happening all over the fucking place. And for those of you screaming “BUT NATURAL IMMUNITY!!! 1111ELEVENTYHUNDREDELEVEN!1111”, you don’t have that. There is simply no such thing. Unless, of course, you’ve been exposed to Bordetella pertussis and survived. Otherwise, the only preventive measure that works is a vaccine made from the killed bacterium, which accomplishes the same task but without making you sick. That’s how vaccines work, you fools. My only consolation, in the midst of all this head-smacking fucking stupidity, is that I’ve recently had my adult booster as a result of news like this. But then, unlike antivaxxers, I’m not selfish and dumb enough to rely on other people’s herd immunity. Can’t wait to see how they’ll react when polio makes a surprise comeback. Have fun raising your precious offspring in iron lungs, you guys.

34. Azealia Fucking Banks. No, dear, “faggot” does NOT mean what you think it means. It means a bundle of sticks, used as kindling. And during the Middle Ages, it meant gay men, accused of heresy and burned at the stake like witches. No, I’m NOT kidding. So knock it off with the sloppy language, already. You don’t get to make up new meanings for insults with close to a thousand years of history behind them.

35. Vladimir Fucking Zhirinovsky. Gotta love the most fascist politician in Russia. He doesn’t understand how meteors work, so he blames the old Cold War enemy. Only problem is, if it were a real weapon, there would have been a much bigger explosion (there’s supposed to be an Earth-shattering KABOOM!), and people would have gotten killed. But whatever. I’m just waiting for all the other paranoiacs to chime in about super-thermite or some other Twoofer hocus-pocus. Because astronomy is so haaaaaard!

And finally, to the anglo whore media. One would think they’d have the decency to blush after being not once, but TWICE taken for a ride by false news about the president of Venezuela. But today, not one of them issued even the tiniest of mea culpas. They just finally, reluctantly, grudgingly printed the truth that I got to a full day ahead of them. Namely, that Chavecito is nowhere near dead, that he’s off respirator and looking plump and hearty, and that it’s indisputably him smiling in the pics with his daughters, reading Thursday’s edition of Granma. I suppose I should be used to this sort of thing by now, but it still never fails to amaze me how badly they fail to inform the public of what the fuck is really going on. I simply have no choice but to conclude that they are colluding against democracy, and trying to create the appropriate psychological climate for another putsch. Just like so many honest analysts, in Venezuela and elsewhere, keep saying.

Good night, and get fucked!