Wankers of the Week: The Big Dig


Crappy weekend, everyone! (And Happy Birthday, P!) So, how’s everyone doing? Did you survive Snowmageddon? Did you find Nemo? Actually, Nemo found me, and dumped a crapload of snow all over everything. Don’t worry, I’m all dug out now; all that shovelling I did in the garden paid off in spades (ha, ha. I slay me.) And now that I’m done shovelling the snow, I’m gonna start in on the shit. And here it comes, in no particular order:

1. Rick Fucking Santorum. Wow, ever since WingNut Daily hired him, Icky Ricky’s been just rubbing ’em out nonstop. And in the case of gay boy scouts, it looks like the phrase “rub one out” may take on a very sinister meaning indeed. Meanwhile, for those of us out here in the reality-based world, it’s a given that there are already gay boy scouts, and some of them have made Eagle Scout as well. And has the organization fallen apart? Only in Buttsploodge’s overly fertile (and MORBID) imagination.

2. David Fucking Keene. Only a complete wackaloon would insist that the AR-15 is anything like a musket. And yet, that’s what this self-styled firearms expert at the Fucking NRA has done. Yeah, the AR-15 only fires one hand-poured lead ball at a time, and you need black powder and wadding to work it. Bang…(long pause)…bang…(long pause)…bang. Just like that.

3. Jonathan Fucking Kay. Just because there are no laws against abortion in Canada, doesn’t mean that wanton jezebels are aborting on a whim right up till the day before they’re due. Nine out of ten women who abort do so before they’re twelve weeks gone, and the rest before 24 weeks, mainly for health reasons. After that, no doctor will remove a fetus from a womb unless it’s a life or death emergency, and no woman would ask for that, unless…well, you get the picture. But try telling that to Jon-Boy, who’s as scientifically illiterate as he is legally stupid. Carolyn Bennett tried, and do you know what he did? He wanked all over her nice, clean, medically experienced counter-argument. Which is just the kind of fanatically idiotic thing I’ve come to expect of him, anyway.

4. Todd Fucking Kincannon. Why?


That’s why. PS: Ha, ha, PEEN. I’m sorry, Todd, what was it you were saying again? PPS: Dude, that wasn’t satire. The dead kid was not there to defend himself against your unfunny racist homophobic drivel. Now shut the fuck UP!

5. Jeff Fucking Allen. Speaking of peen, remember Jeffy the pickup “artist” from last week? Well, he likes waving his (very uninteresting) one in the faces of unfortunate dates. Who, it transpires, have a way of walking out on him shortly thereafter, if they haven’t twigged to his widdle “game” long before that. Oh, and he’s a racist, too. Yeah, I bet you’re just as shocked as I am.

6. Jim Fucking Tracy. So it’s not enough that women seeking abortions have to be raped with ultrasound wands — this dickhead also wants them to be forced to either look at the screen or be forced to hear a live narration of what the technician sees? I have a better idea. How about, every time a male (for it’s invariably a male) lawmaker proposes something as humiliating and shitty as this, he should be subjected immediately to a long and very invasive manual prostate exam, by a female urologist, with the results described live before the entire legislature?

7. Norm Fucking Hughes. Charter schools are already a bad (and money-wasting) proposition for anyone with kids to educate. But what the hell is this “ethnically-challenged” shit? Why not just come out and say those kids ain’t white? Oh yeah…I forgot. Norm’s a teabagger, and don’t you dare call THEM racist!


8. Richard Fucking Hodo. Gay, KKK — well, at least it rhymes. But that’s about all they have in common. Find a better analogy to describe your bigotry…or better still, lose it. It’s about to cost you a boatload of business.

9. Aaron Fucking Chase. Why so fucking serious? Oh, I see…your desire to see the world burn got thwarted. Poor baby!

10. Michael Fucking Brown. Yay, finally Drownie Brownie paid some attention to shit going on in the New Orleans Superdome. Heckuva job!

11. Aaron Fucking Klein. Last week he got listed for refusing to sell a same-sex couple a wedding cake. This week, we learn that his bigotry doesn’t stop there. He’s a racist and a misogynist, too! Well, how nice to know he’s an equal-opportunity HATER, at least. Good luck getting any more customers with THAT, eh?


12. Sheikh Abdullah Fucking Daoud. Burqas for babies? BABIES? Look, I know that some guys have really dirty minds, but actually, shouldn’t the onus be on THEM to JUST NOT LOOK? Otherwise, you’ll get baby girls literally smothered to death in their own “virtue”…a situation as tragic and ridiculous as being locked and left to die inside a burning school because girls aren’t allowed to run out without veils and abayas.

13. John Fucking McCain. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is no choice of mine. That said, I don’t think anyone is justified in calling him a “monkey”, either. But I do think that anyone who calls John McCain a dick is very justified indeed.

14. Wayne La Fucking Pierre. When even a FUX Snoozer is telling you you’re full of shit, you know it’s time to take the Ex-Lax and go home.


15. Paul Fucking Singer. Uh oh, somebody doesn’t understand the meaning of sovereign debt default. Look, dude…Argentina made it quite clear 12 years ago that they couldn’t pay you a pound of flesh. Cut your motherfucking losses, don’t be a dick, give back their boat, and move ON. You already got all you were entitled to; be glad it’s anything at all.

16 and 17. Matthew Fucking Harrison and Rob Fucking Morris. Dudes, look up the meaning of interfaith. I think it means “never having to say you’re sorry for praying alongside people of other religions”.

18. Ronnie Fucking Campbell. Dude, look up the meaning of fetish. It’s not exactly hard to find in the dictionary.

19. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. Something tells me this Harpo token Injun won’t be remaining a senator for very long, under any partisan banner. Could it be the spousal assault? The tax cheating? The paranoia? The insults aimed at a reporter just doing his job? The general assholishness? Oh gee, it’s hard to nail down just one reason. And it’s very hard not to feel the Schadenfreude. After all, this is the wanker who held himself up as some kind of role model for Native kids.


20. Mike Fucking Duffy. Puffy, Puffy, Puffy…tsk, tsk, tsk. An honest man has nothing to hide. And no reason to duck out the back door of a restaurant kitchen like a bloated rat, either.

21 and 22. Joe Fucking Arpaio and Steven Fucking Seagal. Yes, the unholiest bromance in the west is still raging. And the luvvers are holding each other’s dongs while pissing all over the graves of the children of Newtown, too.

23. Shadrack Fucking McGill. And while we’re on the subject of unholy, any lawmaker who bases his bills on the bible deserves to be smacked the fuck upside the head with it.

24. Vincenzo Fucking Paglia. And further to the theme of unholiness, the Vatican has apparently decided to cast same-sex marriage as “sick”. This has to be taken with a truckload of road salt, seeing as it comes from closeted old pedophiles who wear long dresses to work.

25. Dov Fucking Hikind. You know you’ve taken your Zionism too far when even Mike Bloomberg is comparing you to Kim Jong-un. And in any case, it’s not a mayor’s job to censure, or CENSOR, a university’s political-science department just because it’s hosting a panel you don’t like.


26. Robert Fucking Spencer. Is anyone else struck, as I am, by the irony of a Roman Catholic theocrat (and leading inspiration of Christian terrorists) hollering about Sharia? PS: Sign the petition.

27. Pamela Fucking Geller. Given her general incoherence and obtusity, I’m beginning to wonder if she is not in fact illiterate. Or if her not-so-unique brand of hysterical paranoid fascism isn’t eating holes in what’s left of her brain.

28. Hisham Fucking Qandil. “Unclean” breasts don’t cause diarrhea, bacteria and viruses do. And you’re likely to have both, no matter how often you wash, if water sanitation is crappy and poverty rates are high.

29. Suzanne Fucking Venker. How sweetly fitting that the picture used to illustrate her latest pile of heterosexist puke…is of a lesbian couple, kissing at their legal same-sex wedding. I just hope the women in the picture aren’t insulted that their happy moment was used to illustrate a bunch of utter drivel about the nonexistent “need” for sexual fascism that would, of course, banish couples like them from the world altogether.


30. Robert Fucking Zimmerman. Only in the fever swamp of a racist’s mind would a black president’s sympathetic comment on a murdered black boy be construable as “bullying”…and so it is with the racist brother of the racist who killed Trayvon Martin and called him a “fucking coon”. But I guess it really must feel like the whole world is out to get you when you know you’re in the wrong, but are still banking on an inherently racist “justice” system to give you “due process” that results the same way it did with every lyncher…namely, in getting even the most blatantly guilty off the hook.

31. Ann Fucking Coulter. Let her eat cake! It would be a welcome break from the blood of virgins, I’m sure. No, wait…that’s not Marie Antoinette, that’s Elizabeth Báthory.

32. Rand Fucking Paul. Look out below! Aqua Buddha has gone rogue, and he’s about to start dropping rotting teabags all over everything!

33. Sarah Fucking Palin. Speaking of rotting teabags, ha, ha. And buh-bye!


34. Glenn Fucking Beck. In explaining how crazy conspiracy kooks work, he inadvertently gave his own game away to the three people who still listen to his shit. Oops!

35. Joe Fucking Walsh. Hey asshole, if you’re gonna rip Michelle Obama on her “selective” attendance of gunshot victims’ funerals, how’s about you start attending them yourself? Then you can start explaining to all those mourners how your gun-crazy NRA shill’s vision of “Walsh freedom” didn’t kill those victims, but…oops, it totally did. Yeah, I can see why you’re in no hurry to stop preaching and start putting your money where your foot is.

36. Shirley Phelps-Roper. Lest you remain in any doubt about the family values of the Westboro Bastards, let me dispel it forthwith. Looks like sanctimony has won out over motherhood. Just as I thought it would.

37. Bill Fucking Stevens. I guess it’s easy to be pro-gun after Sandy Hook if your daughter’s not actually a student at that school. It’s kind of hard to “defend” a kid at school with a gun if you have to WORK, too. Of course, you know what that makes you now, right? PS: And all you rightards who crowed about this, please enjoy your complimentary serving of crow.


38. John Fucking Goedde. How ironic is it that he’s using the coercion of the state to get kids to read a trashy, long-winded crapaganda novel whose express purpose is the downfall of “statism”? Yeah, using the public school system to turn impressionable children into Randroid wingnuts is not a bit ironic. Not. A. BIT.

39. Glenn Fucking Stanton. Marriage equality has nothing to do with Satan. But telling people that it does, is lying. And Jesus HATES that.

40. Ron Fucking Paul. Guffaw. Looks like the anti-government kook (who draws his paycheque from government) now thinks that the UN is some kind of Internet registry service, with the power to “confiscate”. Please, nobody tell him that it doesn’t work that way. It’s too much fun to watch him making an ass of himself this way.


And finally, to Stephen Fucking Harper. First he appoints Patrick Fucking Brazeau to the Senate. And then, when the shitpile around the latter gets too deep, he just disowns the motherfucker and starts retreating to what he thinks will resonate with the voters. Who the fuck does he think he’s fooling? We all know he stole the last election, what with robocalls and Pierre Poutine and all. And we know that his own political henchmen are behind it all, too. And we even know that none of them dare to so much as fart without his permission. It’s only a matter of time before his large and lumpish head winds up on a pikestaff, and I’m half hoping that won’t be a mere figure of speech. He’s fucked this country in so many ways, I’d get repetitive strain injuries in my hands and wrists from trying to type them all. I’ll be more than happy to see him politically DOA, forever.

Good night, and get fucked!

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