Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how was that for a week from Hades? We get one Steubenville more or less wrapped up, only to have a new one pop up in Connecticut, with all the vile rape apologism of the first and then some. And that’s not all: CPAC made like a wanker on the john, coming and going. And speaking of wankers…ah, you know the drill. In no particular order, as always, they are:
1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Ha! You thought she was irrelevant? You’re right! And here she comes, back to prove it, with a big tub of sugar-fizz in one hand, a microphone in the other, and absolutely NOTHING between her ears, as always. Gotta love that Snowbilly Grifter… PS: Ha, ha. Brainless gets dissed by Bush’s Brain. Priceless!
2. Ann Fucking Coulter. And while we’re on the subject of irrelevant grifters with nothing between the ears, here you go, ladies and gentlemen (???) of CPAC. Your Coultergeist. Please, take her away. She’s babbling about Legitimate Rape, which is an illegitimate concept. And in any case, irrelevant to Bill Clinton, who only had a consensual affair, albeit a stupid one. Perhaps she got him mixed up with St. Ronald of Reagan, who WAS a forcible rapist.
3 and 4. Pamela Fucking Geller and Orly Fucking Taitz. It was a knock-down, drag-out, screeching battle to the death to see who was the biggest, dumbest fucking conservaharridan of all. Who won? Hell if I know. But thanks for the show, girls. It’s been a while since I’ve seen any quality mud-wrestling.
5. Fucking CNN. Why?
That’s why. A girl’s life got yanked out from under her by a bunch of fucking asshole football players (one of them an ex-boyfriend bent on getting revenge for her dumping him), and CNN’s rape-apologist crew is all about how THEIR lives got ruined. HELLO? No one held a gun to their heads and forced them to drug and sexually assault that girl. No one is responsible for the ruination of their lives but themselves. And you want to blame HER for that? Fuck you, you fucking Chicken Noodle Network. Next thing you know, we’re going to hear from the Three Mouseketeers of Steubenville about how the kids Jerry Sandusky molested were responsible for the ruination of his life AND the death of poor ol’ JoePa. That’s just all kinds of fucked up right there.
6. Moshe Fucking Ya’alon. In case anyone wonders whether Bibi Fucking Netanyahu is ever going to show some sense and stop encroaching on Palestinian turf, here’s your answer. And it’s a resounding fuck-you to Palestine.
7. Steven Fucking Crowder. What? He lied about being assaulted by a “union thug” last year? Well, I never. Actually, I could, and I did, because the video came out shortly after showing that Crowder had, in fact, made the first move. Several of them. Gee, I wonder what other disappointing facts about him are going to come to light over time? Like, maybe, the fact that his “I saved it for marriage and boy was it worth it” rantlet was a sham, and that he’s really a gay rentboy underneath it all? That would be MY educated guess… PS: Oh, BROTHER. Transphobia on top of it all. Whatsamatter, Stevie, do they confuse you? Or do they bring out something latent that you’d rather forget you have?
8. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Bowtie Boy seems to be keeping radio silence this week. That’s prudent of him, since his efforts to smear a certain Democratic Latino senator have hit a rather large snag. And the snag is that the prostitutes he allegedly tied to the alleged senator, are now alleging that the whole thing was made up. I don’t suppose Fucker will have the grace to fashion his bowtie into a noose, but one can always hope.
9. Giorgos Fucking Katidis. At a time when Greece is facing some of the worst austerity measures since Germany after the Treaty of Versailles, well…a sloppy Nazi salute on the soccer pitch should be just the thing to lift people’s flagging spirits, right? WRONG. (And all those ugly-ass tattoos aren’t helping, either.)
10. Reince Fucking Priebus. Oh foolishly named dude, face it…your party is not the party of inclusion. That much became painfully obvious at CPAC, where the racist lunatics took over the asylum. Your problem isn’t communication; it’s the entrenched history of your party itself. You morphed from the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt into that of the Dixiecrats. You clearly don’t want anyone that isn’t white, male, heterosexual and Christian. And until you can get some political and economic sanity in there, and stop being corporate stooges, you won’t get many people whose faces are not so pale. Because one thing about non-whites is that they’re all, contrary to your expectations, very non-stupid.
11. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Ladies! Did you know that Billo the Falafel Man is back on the meat market? I didn’t. I haven’t exactly been following him, because UGH. Also YUCK. But apparently he has been single again for a couple of years now. And only now have we found out just how ugly his divorce was. Can’t imagine why he hasn’t been snapped up again. Can you?
12. Stephen Fucking Harper. Public servant? Got nothing nice to say about Dear Leader? Then don’t say anything at all, lest you be snitched on via Harpocracy’s latest fucking waste of money…a phone hotline to report archivists and librarians who dance out of line with the Harper Government™ and make the “duly elected” Thief in Chief look bad.
13. Roberta Fucking Jacobson. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. How do you like being cut off from diplomatic communications with Venezuela? That’ll teach you and the State Dept. to try to interfere where your “interventions” are NOT wanted. Or needed.
14. Yaron Fucking Raviv. Yeah, that’s right. Call Palestinians “cockroaches”. Go on showing the whole world how totally-not-racist and totally-not-an-apartheid-state Israel is. And how totally-not-a-fucking-dickhead YOU are. You’re a real example to the world, perfesser!
15. T.J. Fucking Lane. Well, at least he’s a self-confessed wanker, as well as a self-confessed mass murderer. And seeing as he’s very young and has been sentenced to life in the clinker, with no possibility of parole, he’s going to be doing a lot of wanking from now on…in fact, he’ll probably be doing very little else, assuming he lasts in the general population for more than a week or two.
16. Ezra Fucking Levant. He may have apologized for insulting the Roma people, but I have a feeling he still wants to say “Gypsy, PTUH” every time they come up in conversation. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you’re any less of a bigoted wanker underneath it all; in the Putz’s case, it simply means his sanctimonious “free speech” is costing his bosses too much money at a time when they’re already flushing it down the crapper in huge wads. And oh yeah: It makes them look like bigots too, for keeping him on the payroll. PS: Calling himself an “anti-racism activist” and citing Ayn Rand as a “philosopher” to prove it? Yeah, that’s a HUGE wank. Ezzy is a racist of the first water. And so was Ayn Rand. PPS: And now we know why he “apologized”. It was either that, or face criminal charges in Ontario. And now we also know the limits of Ezzy’s “free-speech activism”, ha ha.
17. Vic Fucking Toews. Just when you thought Icky Vic couldn’t get any sleazier, he up and did. This time, it’s his “reality” show about the boogyman that is undocumented immigration. He won’t say how much this crappy publicity stunt is costing the taxpayers, and little wonder: whatever it is, it’s too damn much. And the only way this could get any more farcical is if he showed up on camera in cowboy boots, a Stetson, and a sheriff’s badge, to twirl his walrus mustache at some poor hapless boat people.
18. James Fucking Ives. Sonofagun! A teabagger who’s an actual, dyed-in-the-wool fascist. I’m shocked, SHOCKED…not by the fact that he is one, no, not one bit. I quite expected THAT. I’m just shocked that it’s taken this long for it to become publicly known what teabaggers actually are!
19. Scott Fucking Walker. Well, at least he’s admitted that support for gay rights has trumped conservatism. Just wait till he finds out that the same is true of socialism!
20. Austin Fucking Whaley. You know how freedom of speech is limited by the fact that you can’t yell “FIRE!” in a crowded theatre…unless the place is actually on fire? Well, something like that also holds true in a bingo hall. Dude, what I’m trying to say here is, DO NOT FUCK WITH LITTLE OLD LADIES. THEY WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT RIGHT UP. Just count yourself lucky that you didn’t get caned in the taint, kiddo.
21. Walter Fucking Madison. Yeah, somebody’s brain isn’t fully developed here, and it’s not your convicted rapist client. And really, if he didn’t want to be on the sex offender registry for life, he should have thought of that before he assaulted that girl.
22. Alex Fucking Bilmes. Ladies! Here’s a picture of the editor of British Esquire, who hath decreed that our function, as a gender, is “to be a beautiful object” and purely “ornamental”:
Gee, why don’t I have a huge ladyboner? Either we’re not such beautiful-object-loving visual creatures as the dudebros, or — and I think I’m gonna go with this one — the man’s a mediocrity in more than just mind. PS: Oh, EWWWWWWW. But yeah, you were right about one thing, Alex…“I should not be here. I am not good-looking enough, I am not well-dressed enough, I have no part to play other than as some kind of gawping idiot onlooker…” That’s what I’m talking about. That, right there.
23. Pat Fucking Robertson. What? He’s still alive, and still ripping people off with false promises about how much more money God will give them if they send it all to him? Getting real sick of your shit, Cthulhu… PS: Bwahahaha. Oh, the irony.
24. Donna Fucking Campbell. Oh, you jumped on anti-choice legislation because you’re a doctor and a woman, did you? Go back to med school, lady…abortions don’t come with nearly as many surgical complications as colonoscopies. And if you’re really concerned about the safety of abortion, the thing to do is not throw up more legal restrictions against it, but to make sure that the latest and best medical and surgical treatments are available to all. Did they not teach you that?
25. Rand Fucking Paul. Instead of “thousands of exceptions” to the stupid-ass fetal personhood rule, how about just one rule: FETUSES ARE NOT PERSONS. See how simple that makes everything?
26. John Fucking Hagee. Sodom and Gomorrah is not a “pilot study” for anything. It’s a fictional story about discourtesy to visitors, not a true account of what happens when there’s overt homosexuality. Stop lying and bullshitting in the name of Cthulhu, preacher-turd.
27. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Why so scared? Oh, I see: A reporter, asking questions. Couldn’t handle that? Yeah, it’s just amazing how often the people who claim that God is on their side, directing their entire lives, can’t seem to take direction from the Almighty when it comes time to explain themselves in interview. I guess God DOES make junk, after all!
28. Joe Fucking Oliver. Yeah, that green, ethical tar-sands oil is looking greener and more ethical all the time. And what better way to prove it than by running a cleanup ship aground in the very area from which the shit is to be shipped to China? Funny how things like this never happen in Venezuela, that evil, wicked socialist bastion of nationalized oil! Guess you’ve got some very sticky black egg yolks to clean off your face now, eh Joe?
29. Eric Fucking Bolling. Why?
The only people dumber than Dubya are his unconditionally stupid supporters, especially those at FUX Snooze. There is NO “had to” about the Iraq war; Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. And only a dipshit would remain this deep in denial after all these years. That’s TEN, Eric…if you can count that high on your fingers.
30. Christopher Fucking Robinson. Here’s a handy hint for all you deadbeat dads out there: If you want to spend all your money on stupid shit instead of supporting the living, breathing child you sired, try NOT posing with big fat wads of it on Facebook. Yeah, that’s right…you’re gonna have to learn to resist temptation. (And that includes learning to keep your zippers up, while you’re at it.)
31. Abigail Fucking Fisher. Waaaaaaaaaa, Affirmative Action discriminates against white people! Uh, make that against white people whose grades don’t make the cut, and while you’re at it, that’s not Affirmative Action…that’s just the entry standards of the state university. Which is, shockingly, entitled to discriminate against anyone, black or white, who’s just not bright enough to get in, regardless of how big and whiny a federal case that person tries to make of it.
32. Natalia Fucking Paris. No, chickens don’t get female hormones to make them grow faster (there are special meat breeds that simply do so without any veterinary help; I know because my sister used to raise ’em organically). And no, female hormones of any kind do NOT make men ingesting them gay. But thanks for the misinformation and homophobia, dear! I smell PETA behind this, and in any case, I also smell Epic Fail.
33. Dennis Fucking Veilleux. Oh noes, Connecticut isn’t friendly to gun manufacturers anymore after Sandy Hook! Funnily, I don’t feel the least bit bad about this. You? Didn’t think so.
34. Steve Fucking Stockman. The best thing about him is that if you poke holes in him, bullshit and Teh Stoopid come out. Actually, you don’t even have to poke; he just gushes them both spontaneously! How friggin’ unreal is that?
35. Richard Fucking Littlejohn. The columnist — CALUMNIST, rather — has the blood of a schoolteacher on his hands; she killed herself after he publicly castigated her on the pages of the Daily Mail for the terrible, terrible sincrime of being transgendered. He acted as though her gender transition were some form of child abuse. It’s not; children are, it turns out, MUCH more capable of understanding trans issues than bigoted old adults will ever be. And the children would have shrugged it all off as no big deal, had Richard Fucking Littlejohn not been determined to MAKE a big deal of it. And now they are traumatized, since their teacher is dead. Well done, Richard Fucking Littlejohn, well done, jolly good. And, I see, the Daily FAIL has taken down the offending column, but he’s still on the (hatchet) job. What a bunch of despicable cowards they all are. If justice prevailed, he’d lose his job and never work in the industry again. And then he’d get a small taste of what it was like for Lucy Meadows to be shunned and reviled in terms ordinarily reserved for child abusers. But since he’s a frothing homophobe and a right-wing shitbat, of course he gets to keep his job. And he gets protected by his equally right-wing, shitbat employers, too. From all the way across the Atlantic. OF COURSE.
36. Keith O’Fucking Brien. Well, well. So it’s one thing out in front of the cameras, another behind the scenes? Not any more. These days, if you’re going to make a big public tra-ra about what a pluperfect religious homophobe you are, you had best beware lest the little pink tutu-clad skeleton in your closet starts putting on its toe shoes and kicking the door down.
37 and 38. Todd Fucking Starnes and Stacey Fucking Campfield. Oh, get a room, you two! It’s really shameful the way you both fixate so publicly and vocally on sex, sex, sex all the time. And you both scream the loudest when confronted with drag queens…and a leather-clad lesbian who’s only there to teach a poetry workshop. That’s not kinky, that’s downright perverted!
39. Gian Paolo Fucking Vanoli. No, vaccines can’t turn you gay. And I should know, because I’ve had so many that by now I ought to be a raging bulldagger, if that theory held true. And here I am, li’l ol’ me, still straight as a stick and girly as ever. And I’m not autistic, either. Dang! Maybe they didn’t “take”? Maybe I should go drink a glass of pee instead?
40. Jeremy Fucking Jensen. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, what you call women is what YOU are.
41. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. L’Oréal. Because he’s worth it. Too bad their makeup is all painfully sheer and won’t cover up the crooked, eh?
42, 43 and 44. Omar, Zayd and Faysal Fucking Khatib. Dudes. Your meme sucks. And now that you’ve faced criminal charges for starting yet another stupid Internet fad, doesn’t it just suck that much harder? I guess what I’m trying to say here is HA, HA. I really do have trouble feeling sorry for a bunch of stupid kids wasting food and drink in the name of fifteen seconds of fame.
45. Julian Fucking Fantino. Can’t bear to let CIDA have a degree of autonomy from the PMO? Then kill CIDA. And let the ideology of profit, profit über alles win out over development aid. That, in a nutshell, is how Harpistan does foreign relations. And that, in a nutshell, is why I despise Julian Fucking Fantino.
46. Saxby Fucking Chambliss. One does not have to be gay to support same-sex marriage; I’m not, and yet I do. But how typically Repugnican of him to be utterly unable to empathize even a little bit with gay constituents. And Reince Fucking Priebus wonders why the GOP has an image problem? It’s not a problem of style, it’s a problem of substance. As in, THEY UTTERLY FUCKING LACK IT.
47. Stephen Fucking Harper. Once again, let’s hear it for the Harper Government™ and its shoddy efforts to usurp the title and role of the GOVERNMENT OF CANADA, BITCHES. Getting real sick of your shit, Harpo.
48. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. At long last, an “apology” (note the quotes) for the murderous IDF raid on the Gaza Freedom Flotilla which killed nine Turks, one of them a teenager with US dual citizenship. Why is this a wank? Three years’ delay, for one. Bibi’s legendary whiny arrogance, for another. And let’s not forget that this only could have come about as a result of Barack Obama’s state visit. Does anyone seriously think he’d have bothered if not for that?
49. Roger Fucking Noriega. Accusing Iran, the Mexican drug cartels, etc., of laundering money in Venezuela? Sounds like projection to me. Or maybe just wishful thinking on his part, seeing as neither he nor any of his crooked Iran-Contra cronies have been able to do that there since, oh, about 1999.
50. Mike Fucking Rogers. Hey, n00b, if you’re gonna last long as a professional corrupto in Washington, you gotta learn to play by the rules! And the first of them is, when some lobbyist slips you a fat envelope, don’t go opening your big beak and crowing about it on teh tweeter. Especially not if it’s in support of cyberspying without warrant or even a probable cause. Do I gotta explain it all to ya, kid? Gawd but you’re fucking stupid.
And finally, to the Fucking Osmond Family. Yes, all of them. And their perfect teeth. You see, they’ve decided to occupy the state capitol rotunda in Utah to caterwaul to the choir on the day the Supreme Court decides the legality of same-sex marriage. IN UTAH. Let that sink in. Ready? Okay. They’re protesting what they see as a change in the definition of marriage from the “traditional” (one man, one woman) to something new and scary. Nobody remind them that their own Mormon church changed the definition of marriage, too, twice…from the “traditional”, to the even MORE “traditional” (one man, one small army of women)…and then, as a condition of statehood for Utah, they had to change it back again. That’s right…the Osmonds belong to a sect (a cult, really) where patriarchs called “prophets” used to have the power to arrange disastrous, often loveless, life-ruining “marriages”, usually between barely-menstruating teenage girls and men old enough to be their fathers, grandfathers or even great-grandfathers…and they think marriage and children need defending from the homo-sex-you-alls? Yes, you did hear a muffled ptmpf…and yes, that WAS an irony meter quietly imploding under the strain of all the batshit fucking crazy.
Good night, and get fucked!