Wankers of the Week: Horsemeatballs

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that horsemeat scandal? It just keeps galloping along, eh? This week, I found out that IKEA not only deals in cheapish assemble-it-yourself bookshelves, but also in Swedish horsemeatballs. I didn’t even know they sold food, much less tainted food. Goes to show you how out of it I am, not shopping at big-box stores if I can help it. But I’m never out of it when it comes to spotting the taint in human society…and here it is this week, in no particular order:

1. Seth Fucking MacFarlane. Thanks for making me glad I ignored the Oscars. Sexism in this day and age, when women all over the world are mightily pissed off at guys who STILL don’t get it, and beating back rape culture on all levels? Yeah, really smart. Guess who won’t be invited back to THAT party, boring and self-indulgent wankfest that it is. PS: Oh, oh. Looks like sexism wasn’t the only shit flying through the air that night. Ugh!

2. Robert Fucking Jeffress. Woop woop woop woop woop! Sorry, that was my gaydar. It goes off everytime I see a homophobe, or hear one talking hideous smack. It’s how I know he secretly loves him some big, beefy, ultra-masculine sausage.

3. Brian Fucking Brown. Speaking of things that set my gaydar off, honorary degrees in homophobia from nonexistent diploma mills also do it just fine.

4. John Fucking Boehner. And more gaydar trippin’ goodness! Boner’s gonna weep big, cheddary orange tears if the Defense of Unequal Marriage Act is repealed. Let us pray…

5 and 6. Pamela Fucking Wallin and Mike Fucking Duffy. Either Pammy and Puffy are really fucking stupid, or they think that we, the taxpayers who pay their exorbitant fucking salaries, are. How else to explain how these two mediocre ex-CTV journalists turned worse-than-mediocre senators can’t seem to read a form which is, in fact, perfectly fucking clear? PS: Ha, ha.

7. Keith O’Fucking Brien. And another one who tripped my gaydar from the moment I heard his hypocrisies about allowing priests to marry…but not same sex. And how delicious is the irony that he’s been accused of chasing cassocks himself, and been forced to resign as cardinal because of that?

8. Jim Fucking Lawry. No, birds don’t poop on cars in the name of Jesus. But thanks for the picture of your holy shit!

9. Ben Fucking Affleck. Hey dude, next time you try to do a movie “based on a true story”, how about using a little more of the true story, and a little less of the rah-rah patriotic crapaganda and Hollywood flimflam? Making the gutsy Canadian ambassador who actually arranged the rescue of your people from Iran out to be a bit player but elevating a minor CIA figure in his stead is just an unpardonable wank. One more reason I’m glad I didn’t watch that film, OR the Oscars.

10 and 11. Steve Fucking Stockman and Ted Fucking Nugent. No, gun violence victims are NOT “useful idiots”. But I know two useLESS idiots…and one of them shat his pants to evade the Vietnam draft.

12. Pat Fucking Robertson. Apparently, thrift-store shopping is Satan’s instrument. But a lot of people are having to do it after signing away all their money to televangelists and other charlatans. Patwa’s fail-safe home remedy? Scolding the devil right out of those fusty old clothes! Yes, he really IS that far off his rocker.

13. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Again with the “abortion is a holocaust” bullshit. Mikey, siddown and shuddup. Considering that as many as 60% of all fertilized eggs never even make it to implantation, and a goodly percentage of implanted pregnancies end in miscarriage, it’s fair to say that God is the biggest abortionist of them all. Call God Hitler, do you? Idiot.

14. Jack Fucking Hatch. WTF is a “recreational abortion”? No woman ever gets them for fun. Those things hurt like motherfuckers, asshole.

15. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Gay-bashing may have been a winning electoral strategy ten or 20 years ago, but today, it’s basically an admission that you’ve got nothing. And given that more than half of the US population is no longer bigoted against LGBTs, it’s actually a losing strategy in all but the most backward of backwoods areas. PS: Ha, ha.

16. Dov Fucking Hikind. A little old for hipster racism? Nah. You’re NEVER too old to put on blackface and an Afro wig and make an ass of yourself!

17. Lance Fucking Manion. No, I’m not gonna throw an ugly dude a bone on April 2. And I’d be royally insulted if I were deemed an ugly chick by a gorgeous dude who, out of the goodness of his superficial widdle heart, was offering to throw me a bone(r) that day. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, unless this is some kind of a failed attempt at trolling, Lance, this proposed sex holiday of yours is a bit of a non-starter. (And that “throw a gorgeous person out of your bed” bit is just ludicrous. Like a good-looking person would ever bed someone who’s unattractive AND douchey at the same time. Beautiful ≠ totally fucking stupid.)

18. Walter B. Fucking Jones. Yeah, the Big Dick is most certainly going to rot in hell, if there is one for him to rot in. But what took you so long to say that? Oh, I see…you were too busy eating Freedom Fries.

19. Don Fucking Cherry. Sorry, Sour Grapes, but hockey is NOT a paragon sport by any means. All the same problems that afflict other pro sports are rampant in the NHL. And part of the reason for that is boors like you, cheering on the worst aspects of it. *coughVIOLENCE!coughwheeze*

20. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Go. Away. NOW.

21. Jack Fucking Fonseca. Oh look, the Religious Reich is still flogging that dead horse(meat) of sex-selective abortion. Once more, with feeling: Over 90% of all abortions in Canada happen in the first trimester, before you can even tell the sex of the fetus! (Oh dang, did I just get all sciency-facty there? I guess I did. My mistake. I should have remembered that the only argument that moves these idiots is one of hysterical emotionality!)

22. Jeff Fucking Watson. And while we’re on the subject(s) of Religious Reich, abortion, and hysterical emotionality, I am feeling the purest Schadenfreude at seeing how his poll to build public support for anti-choice laws has backfired. And he couldn’t get his desired numbers up without Viagra — er, sorry, FREEPING. Ha, ha. That’s what you get for wanking on the public dime, dude!

23. Dan Fucking Flynn. Oh, that’s just great…cut gun training periods by more than half! Yeah, that’ll really go a long way to making sure that legal gun owners are competent and responsible for their firearms! PS: Ten hours’ classroom instruction doesn’t strike me as particularly onerous. Unless you’re exceptionally stupid, that is.

24. Mark Fucking Warden. Surprise! Flibbertigibbertarians are just as stupid about domestic abuse as they are about economics and, oh, everything else. Yeah, every battered woman that I’ve ever known has chosen to stay with a shitty man instead of just up and leaving, and/or shooting the fucker. Because they’re “free” and they “like” it that way. Yeah. Keep telling yourself that instead of facing the ugly truth, eh?

25. Jim Fucking Rice. And on the flipside of flibbertigibbertarianism, you get imbeciles like this one, seriously proposing that all adults be forced into militias “to protect gun rights”. We’re truly through the looking glass when “rights” are protected by FORCING people to tote expensive guns they don’t want. PS: Here’s his Facebook page. Have fun with it! PPS: And gee, that mandatory militia service thing is really doing wonders for the Swiss. At this rate, they might soon catch up to the US.

26. Bill Fucking Whatcott. Remember that name, kiddies. Because one of these days, this professional homophobe is gonna slip up and revert, and it will be spectacular. I predict drugs and rentboys galore. And/or a “wide stance” incident in a public washroom.

27. Stephen Fucking Harper. Transparency? What’s that? Oh, just something that flies out the window whenever a so-called fiscal conservative is throwing money around to make it look like he’s catching frauds in the name of SAVING money. Which is often. And just think, this one’s our national disgrace, the illegal squatter in the PMO. No wonder Canada can no longer hold up its collective head on the international stage.

28. Colin Fucking Brewer. If special needs children are a burden to society and should be “put down”, then let’s start with this one, who managed to reach quite a ripe old age and be elected to a local council in Cornwall. I’d say he deserves to be put out of his misery with a taste of his own medicine, no?

29. Tony Fucking Blair. And while we’re on the subject of British wankers who really need to be put out of their misery, Dubya’s Poodle has decided to yelp and whine about how mean everybody is still being to him, ten years after he bent over for the White House Squatter. Yeah, Saint Toady, my heart bleeds for you. Just like yours bleeds for the people of Iraq. You poncy motherfucker.

30. David Fucking Cameron. The Malvinas are Argentina’s, you Brit nitwit.

31. Tom Fucking Casperson. The reason Obama’s birthplace dropped off the public radar is because he produced his long-form birth certificate, and it still said Hawaii. Hard to believe, I know! Just like the fact that Dubya is no real Texan, but a Connecticut Yankee. The media never talk about THAT, either.

32. Joan Fucking Rivers. Snipe at Adele’s weight all you want, you horrid old bat. Unlike you, she has a lovely voice, and hasn’t fucked up her face nine ways till Friday, either! PS: Ugh. Just UGH.

33. Richard Fucking Land. Yes, the homophobes ARE bound for ostracism, and like the KKK, they thoroughly deserve it. Because homophobia and racism both come from the same place, and in effect are the same thing. DUH!

34. Jim Fucking Sacia. Finally, one teabagging Repug lets slip what they’re all really clutching when they rant and rave about “gun grabbers”: THEIR TEENY WEENY PEENIES, DUH.

35. Ricardo Fucking Hausmann. Yeah, sure, go ahead and make up a whole raft of bogus statistics to “prove” that “Chávez ruined Venezuela”. Who at the Grauniad is gonna fact-check you? They’re just happy to have more padding for between advertisements.

36. Guillermo Fucking Cochez. Panama’s national disgrace is STILL spreading dirty rumors about Chavecito, too. Remember how accurate he was the last time he piped up? Remember, too, that he is in NO position to know, and that everyone who IS in the know says he’s talking out his ass? Walter Martínez had some choice words for that, and I heartily concur. They still apply.

37 and 38. Jonathan and Barbara Fucking Kay. Awww, ain’t it sweet how the Fucking Kays, fils et mère, have written matching (and identically fuckwitted) excuses in the National Pest for the horror that is Tom Fucking Flanagan? You’d think they were bookends, or something. Maybe they’ll both be fired together when some long-overdue outrage falls on their publisher’s head? Let us pray…

39. Kathy Fucking Dunderdale. Something tells me that she’s destined to be nicknamed Dunderhead. Whatever could it be? Oh yeah…poll-tampering and thinking that’s perfectly kosher, just like all the Fucking SupposiTories — that “natural ruling party” of Harpistan and Mordor.

40. Gary Fucking Doer. Oh, what an embarrassment it must be for our ambassador to the US (and former premier of Manitoba) to learn that Canada, despite “booming” tar sands and all, is actually importing oil from evil, wicked Chavecito’s Venezuela, right along with the US. And that in so doing, we’re collectively helping to feed a very successful (and growing!) economy, where oil money goes toward creating social justice, dignified housing, and decent jobs. And that all that tar-sands oil “boom” is feeding, is the already overstuffed pockets of the Kochtopus. Whatever will he sputter when he finds all these inconvenient truths out?

41. Joseph-Charles-Philippe Fucking Côté. Yes, that IS an awfully long first name for a short-eyed sex tourist to be carrying. Now that the Dominican Republic knows about him, it’s time to start asking if he’s also been to Cuba, where I have it on good authority that there is also child prostitution going on in the resort towns. There, a pedophile ring based in Montréal (quelle coincidence!) is actually organizing the perverts’ tours. Time to notify the Cuban government too, eh?

42. Dale Fucking Bolinger. And while we’re on the subject of truly sick fucks, British hospital patients must be breathing a sigh of relief that this one’s been arrested. It’s kind of ghastly to know that you have a self-styled cannibal on staff, and that he liaised with a would-be cannibal cop across the pond, no doubt sharing recipes for liver and fava beans with a nice Chianti. Thupthupthupthup.

43. Vic Fucking Toews. What, so very little to say about Tom Fucking Flanagan and his yet-to-be-explained NAMBLA membership and creepily lax views on “just pictures” of child sex abuse? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tellz ya.

44. Marc Bradly Fucking Johnson. And now, from the ridiculous to the, er, sublime: This one is literally an artsy-fartsy wanker, who clocked I don’t know how many hours collecting his own jizzum for an installation which ultimately did not get the go-ahead. Possibly because it was a public health hazard; maybe, just maybe, because something similar was already done long ago, and done better.

45. Stella Fucking Tremblay. Woodrow Wilson could not possibly have “agreed with Hitler”; he died nearly ten years before the latter stole the chancellor’s seat in the Reichstag. Look, if you’re gonna make assertions on the last day of Black History Month, shouldn’t you be cognizant of some actual, er, HISTORY?

46. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. ¿Qué h’éso? ¿Un poquito de doble moral? ¡Sí! Qué weón, puej. And for those who can’t understand Spanish: Basically, it says that Tatán is a hypocrite for detaining Bolivian soldiers who strayed into Chile, while letting Argentines go. Politically motivated? ¡Por supuesto! — of course! PS: Ha, ha. The Bolivian soldiers are now back on home soil.

47. Victoria Fucking Nuland. Hello? Venezuela is a sovereign country, with its own democratically-ratified constitution and everything. They don’t need the Fucking US State Dept. giving them their “democratic” marching orders; they can elect and swear in their own leaders, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

48. Leopoldo Fucking López. Such a pretty little head…and such an empty one, too. He couldn’t even keep the date of the Caracazo straight. The worst violence in his country’s history, and he can’t remember when it took place! And just think, this is one of the people whom the State Dept. wants to put in charge of Venezuela. Pathetic!

49. Ernest Fucking Hewitt. Keep your snake in your pants, mister. And a civil tongue in your head.

50. Joe Fucking Francis. So, Girls Gone Wild is Guys Gone Broke. Pardon me while I try to squeeze out a few crocodile tears…nope. Sorry, not sorry, I can’t do it. Show us your bankruptcy, dude!

And finally, to our lovely crapagandarati and lazy media slobs up here. Why did you not jump all over Tom Fucking Flanagan in 2009, when he first made the remarks that eventually brought his career crashing down around his ears this past week? It’s not as if it wasn’t reported. You could even have noted the hypocrisy of that, given that as Harpo’s 2004 campaign manager, he was responsible for attack ads condemning then-PM Paul Martin as “soft on kiddie porn”. It’s been nearly ten years since this guy should have lit up your radar, and you’ve all sat on your butts since then, leaving it for a Native guy from Idle No More to pick up your slack. Worse, you eventually gave him a microphone and a forum on CBC! In the meantime, this crap ideologue from Illinois has done immeasurable damage to our political processes, our environment, and heaven only knows what else. And he’s still doing it, even though he’s now officially persona non grata. At long last, are you all not ashamed? You should be…YOU HELPED MAKE HIM.

Good night, and get fucked!