Wankers of the Week: Look! PANDAS!!!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, hasn’t this just been the loveliest week for finding out where our Dear Leader’s priorities lie? He cares more about a couple of imported bamboo-munchers than about all us local folk and our home and native land. No offence to pandas, but seriously, if I were a panda, I’d be offended by Harpo. And as it stands, I’m plenty offended by all the other oily ignorami out there. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Todd Fucking Kincannon. “What do you get when you combine asshattery and jizzwhistlery with a side of epic douchebaggery”, he asks? Why, you get @ToddKincannon! Yeah, calling an antiwar vet a cocksucker who should have come home in a body bag is totally keeping it classy. So is insulting the memory of the best president in the Western Hemisphere. Todd, do the world a favor: Go skin-diving in Mako Alley. Preferably without a shark cage. You’re not morally fit to lick Mike Prysner’s boots.

2. Gary Fucking Bauer. You think the end of official homophobia is a BAD thing? Bad for you, maybe, because it means you’ll be left without a choir to preach to. But that’s not a bad thing, either. That choir was a bunch of dreary drones, and their hymns sucked.

3 and 4. Scott Fucking Walker and Marc Fucking Thiessen. How fucking perfect is it that a wanker of a right-wing governor hires a ghostwriter who’s a torture proponent? I know, I know!

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5. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. Just when we Germans were getting set to live that whole Nazi thing down, along comes this assclown with his “White Student Union” (why is that shit allowed???) and their campus night patrols, making the world safer from scary black kids. Dude, change your surname. PLEASE.

6. Robert Fucking Zimmerman. Speaking of people with German surnames making the world safer from scary black kids…aw, fuck it. Dude, why not just join #5 on the peabrain patrol? PS: Nope, still not convincing.

7. Timothy Fucking Dluhos. Can’t stand to see your bigotries exposed in all their Nazified glory? Cry me a fucking river. And thanks, too, for proving the maxim that all bullies are basically cowards.

8. Barbara Fucking Amiel. Congratulations, Lady Blah-Blah, you vile, flyblown twat. You got all those page views by writing stupid fucking dreck about Steubenville, equating rape with sex, and victimhood with sluttiness! And of course, sexual harassment doesn’t exist in your widdle plastic bubble. Good for you. I hope you get your bony ass fired for that, as it should have been long ago. And while you’re at it, fuck off back to England and take your felon along.

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9 and 10. Geraldo Fucking Rivera and Ann Fucking Coulter. He’s a wanker for having her on his show. Because he really should have known that she would only come to wank…and she did. And of course, since on-air masturbation gets big ratings, it was a win-win situation for everyone but the viewers, who had to sit through that ungodly homophobic drivel that she keeps spewing in her “Right Wing Judy Garland” guise.

11. The Fucking NRA. Because it’s just time that the parents of Newtown got over that massacre and opposed gun control, already. Next thing you know, they’re gonna get all victim-blamey here, too. And I’m only surprised they haven’t done it already.

12. John Fucking Ziegler. Nope, you’re not going to resurrect St. JoePa. And trying to do it by revealing the identity of that poor kid whom Jerry Sandusky raped in the Penn State showers is just beyond reprehensible — not to mention spectacularly stupid. At this point, only an asshole would ever blame those kids, or seek to make others blame them. Which, of course, leads me conveniently back to…well, you guessed it. PS: Claiming you wuz hacked isn’t going to cut it, either. More likely, you got inundated with a flood of new viewers who just couldn’t believe their eyes! PPS: Oh, Lord. Conservative cuckoobird alert!

13. Phil Fucking Pulaski. Wanna cut down the number of domestic abuse cases your cops have to look into? Then don’t bother looking into them. Instead, do criminal background checks on the victims. That way, fewer women come forward, and you manage to make everyone look bad. WIN!

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14. Chris Fucking Brown. Yeah, sure, you’re not a bad guy. And you’re leaving Twitter, you say? Seems to me you’ve said that before. Dude, you’re not “past the bullshit” now…you’re MARINATING in it. Go the fuck AWAY.

15. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Yep, Gomer’s ba-ack! And this time, not content to say asinine things in the US House of Congresscritters or to the TV cameras and aghast reporters, he’s saying asinine things in his off hours. To cops. Probably while drunk off his ass.

16. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. There’s only room for one set of gonads in Italy…and it’s those of Old Bunga-Bunga Berluscoglioni. So sorry, Mars…your manhood’s gotta go. And Venus’s hands, too. Otherwise, she might be able to use them to fend of an attack from you-know-who.

17. John Fucking Boehner. Three quarters of a million dollars of taxpayer money, embezzled and wasted on the abomination called DOMA. Meanwhile, WHERE ARE THE DAMN JOBS???

18 and 19. Todd Fucking Starnes and Erick Fucking Erickson. No, Christianity hasn’t been criminalized yet. But seeing as it seems to have become a drug worse than crystal meth (opiate of the masses, ha), maybe it should be. Just look at how it’s eaten these FUX Snoozers’ brains!

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20. “Dr.” Joseph Fucking Mastropaolo. Looks like somebody is about to end up at least $10,000 poorer. Because there is no scientific proof that ANYTHING in Genesis ever literally happened. Also, prepare to lose another ten gees on the idea that evolution can’t be scientifically proven…because IT ALREADY HAS. OVER AND OVER.

21. Buzz Fucking Bissinger. You thought shop-‘n’-schtup chick lit was just for young women with a (deplorable) taste for Jimmy Choo and a burning ambition to travel around the world on their backs? Nope, now it’s also for lumpish middle-aged men indulging in the narcissism of shopping addiction and all its weird, quasi-sexual justifications. Equality! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Well, THAT was predictable. Let’s hope he stays in for a while.

22. Steve Fucking King. He’s dragged up a bunch of bad analogies for marriage, and somehow he missed gun ownership? Oh dearz.

23. John Fucking Kavanagh. Somehow, it’s strangely heartening to know that even the insane ultraconservatism of Aryanfuckingzona has its limits. And one of them turns out to be a desire NOT to see transgender users of public washrooms getting assaulted and killed for needing to pee.

24. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. What the fuck is “abortionism”? I don’t know, and I suspect he doesn’t, either. Because the last time I looked, no one had elevated abortion above democracy here in Canada. The majority of Canadians is solidly pro-choice, we’ve spoken out repeatedly against criminalizing a medical procedure, and that is as democratic as it gets. There is no more need to discuss the matter, in Parliament or out. And there is certainly no popular call for backdoor (back alley?) abortion legislation, either. We’ve done fine with no abortion laws on our books whatsoever for the past 25 friggin’ years.

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25. Justin Fucking Bieber. WTF is up with the Bieb this week? Going half naked through Polish airports in cold weather? Spitting on neighbors? Methinks me smells a drug problem.

26. Philip Fucking Penny. Ireland’s bravest son (of a cuss) can’t take a joke. One which, oddly enough, describes him to perfection.

27 and 28. Pat Fucking Robertson and Jim Fucking Garlow. How clever of these two to suss out what the same-sex marriage movement “really” wants! Too bad it’s not at all what they claim. Well, gentlemen, here’s the spoiler: All they want is what you already have. Namely, the right to legally marry the partner of your choice. The “gay lifestyle” that’s most familiar to me is one that looks an awful lot like the “straight lifestyle” most old married straight folk have. Only it’s two dudes (or two dudettes) with the house, the minivan, the cat, the dog, and the 2.5 kids. Shocking, I know. PS: OMG, Patwa’s gone full Alex Jones. How much longer, O Cthulhu, before you take him back into your maw forever???

29. Rob Fucking Ford. Finally, we have insight into what’s ailing Robbo, and, not surprisingly, it’s spelled A-L-C-O-H-O-L. So some Toronto city council members have apparently staged a kind of intervention, which was not well received…not surprisingly either, since the other half of his problem is spelled D-E-N-I-A-L. Which ain’t no river in Egypt, Cleo.

30. Paul Fucking Hewson. Yes, that’s right. Bono has wanked again. This time, with his claim that poverty is almost eliminated in the world. Well, at least it is around HIS house. But his claim would come as quite a shock to his fellow Irishmen. Perhaps it’s just as well that Bono doesn’t live there anymore, and doesn’t pay taxes there, either.

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31. Royal Fucking Mayo. Dude. Have you seen the videos and photos out of Steubenville? Because at this point, you’d have to be blind and deaf, not to mention pretty fucking STUPID, to think that the girl in them was consenting to what happened to her in any way. She was passed out, and apparently roofied. On purpose. By the guys who sexually assaulted her and took pictures and videos of it all, and even cracked horrible jokes about how “raped” she was. She was not merely drunk, and she was certainly not asking for anything. And all she wants now is two things: justice, and to be left the fuck alone. How about you oblige her, and shut the fuck up?

32. Harry Fucking Jackson. Dude. Have you seen the lawbooks? Polygamy is illegal in every state of the Union. In fact, Utah didn’t even become a state until the Mormons agreed to renounce polygamy! Meaning, it doesn’t matter if same-sex marriage becomes legal across the board tomorrow — there is no danger of polygamy “sweeping the land”, let alone “automatically”. That federal polygamy ban will stay. Besides that, basic human nature is largely monogamous. Even in Muslim countries where polygamy is allowed, most Muslim men only have one wife. Shocking, I know.

33. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Batten down the hatches, people. The Pigman just admitted defeat, and that can only mean one thing: He’s about to blow sky high! PS: Piggish projectionist is projecting, piggishly. PPS: Oh noes, another liberal conspiracy…IT’S TEH TWEETER!!!

34. Veniamin Fucking Balika. Cheesiest. Theft. EVER. (Literally!)

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35. Ben Fucking Carson. No, of course nobody’s offended that you equated gays with NAMBLA. Don’t bother apologizing! Oh wait…I see that you actually didn’t. It just sucks that your “apology” is conditional on people being offended by sheer stupidity and tired old homophobic stereotypes, which you used to underpin the ridiculous idea that marriage should remain the privilege of the heterosexual…or those willing to fake it. And how is denying same-sex couples the right to marry giving them “all the same rights that anybody else has”? Or to put it another way: What medical school graduated this raging case of cognitive dissonance?

36. Kevin Fucking Cramer. If anyone needs more proof that sexism and racism come from the same place, look no further than this man, who embodies both to a disgusting perfection. I would curse him with something like “May the Windigo eat your brain”, but it seems that this has already occurred.

37. Nick Fucking D’Aloisio. Want to be a successful businesscritter before you even go to college? Then do the following two things: Invent some pointless app, and pester the shit out of others to promote and/or buy your crapp. Works every time!

38. Joe Fucking Concha. So, he’s tired of hearing about gay marriage? Well, that makes two of us; I’m tired of hearing straight dudes (whose rights have not and never will be infringed) whining about gay marriage. Really, people, this problem would all just go away if same-sex marriage were legal everywhere, and anyone who didn’t like it simply stopped yapping about it. See how simple that is? PS: I’m also tired of hearing bigots try to pass themselves off as merely “politically incorrect”. We can haz STFU, pls?

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39. Don Fucking Young. Yeah, it’s been kind of a long time since it was socially acceptable to call an undocumented immigrant a “wetback”. Come to think of it, I can’t remember that time. Maybe because it was NEVER. But I bet it’s entirely socially acceptable to refer to guys like this as jackasses!

40. Dave Fucking Agema. Bogus murder statistic is bogus. Homophobe citing bogus murder statistic to justify homophobia is a…what? Water wet, Pope Catholic. Wanna know what bears do in the woods? Take a wild guess. PS: Dude, your trophy wife ain’t foolin’ no one. Get out of the damn closet already, you stink of mothballs. PPS: No, you know what’s a joke? Your petition. You’re TOAST.

41. Dana Fucking Loesch. Only in the fever swamp of a right-wing idiotess’s brain could a spoon be characterized an “assault weapon”, and gun control be about the mere “look” of a gun rather than its killing capacity. This dim bimbo actually thinks a semi-auto isn’t a military-style weapon, even though the NRA (and the gun manufacturers) themselves marketed and promoted the weapons based precisely on the fact that they ARE. Guess she missed that little history lesson. And then she went on to project her own side’s bloodlust onto the other. She asked that question only so it would never be asked of her. Chutzpah: What right-wingers have in lieu of a brain.

42. Eric Fucking Bolling. Who’s forgotten Newtown? Nobody. But I know who’s trying to bury it. And he works at FUX Snooze, taking cheap shots at his own president and projecting like mad.

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43. Glenn Fucking Beck. Honestly, at this point, he’s almost beyond parody. I didn’t realize Chinese Muslims came up with the idea of education standards, but if they did, I’m forever grateful to them…for saving me from becoming a racist, paranoid fucking idiot like him.

44. Thomas Fucking McInerney. Nope, still no WMDs in Iraq. But the lieutenant-general has a brilliant idea as to why: Saddam hid them in Syria! Of course! Now it all makes sense! Only…it doesn’t, because he didn’t, and this is all just an excuse to fund the Syrian “rebels”, who are actually al-Qaida, and say, aren’t those guys supposed to be the bad guys? Ugh, my head is full of fuck. No, wait, that’s HIS head…and mine hurts from trying to follow his nonexistent logic.

45. Wade Fucking McCree. So, “gap tooth skank hoes” is a “compliment”? Well, by that token, Yeronner, I guess so is “sexist-ass philandering fuckheaded good for nothing shyster wanking around on the bench, masquerading as a judge”.

46. Steven Fucking Landsburg. Talk about stoopid questions: “Ought the law discourage such acts of rape [as what happened in Steubenville]? Should they be illegal?” Uh, they already ARE illegal in several countries, and that illegality is a major deterrent, so I guess that answers THAT question! Let’s hear how the boundaries of the body are not so “sacred” again, perfesser…but this time, after YOU have been roofied, passed around between several football players, sodomized for the delectation of the Internets (but without any incriminating “physical damage”, of course), and then branded a fag, a slut, a whore, and every other insult that the girl from the Steubenville trial had to endure. Or that Sandra Fluke had to endure from you, Rush Fucking Limbaugh, and every other conservative male fuckhead in the United States of Amnesia. Maybe THEN, you won’t have to wonder what’s wrong with the idea that a passed-out girl is some kind of “benefit” for assholes to take advantage of while she’s too incapacitated to say no! Actually…y’know what? I’m gonna go right ahead and assume that you’re just not the kind of guy who can get laid on the basis of his looks or his personality or any other redeeming characteristics, which shouldn’t be hard to prove, because you don’t have any. And that it is therefore little wonder you take such prurient interest in asking “provocative” questions which, in fact, reveal more about the asker than they do about the topic.

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47. Clark Fucking Aposhian. Now do you see why strict gun controls need to exist, and why semi-autos and full-autos should be banned? It’s to keep guns (like yours!) from ending up in the hands of criminals! Duh.

48. Mohammed Fucking Morsi. What’s the matter, have you no sense of humor? Apparently not, if a funnyman faces arrest. Meet the new Egypt, same as the OLD Egypt. Time for another round of revolutions? Yeah, I think so. The people didn’t demonstrate to get rid of Mubarak only to usher in a theocracy, after all.

49. Don Fucking Cherry. No, leftists aren’t soft on crime. Sometimes, a cop killer isn’t a criminal, he’s mentally ill. Ever tried being incarcerated for a mental illness? It isn’t a slap on the wrist. And it’s no easy life being mentally ill, either…nothing like being a fucking blowhard for money, hint hint.

50. Russ Fucking George. Haida Gwaii’s waters have been poisoned, and guess who’s to blame? Some quack who once sold the Vatican a nonexistent forest, and who thinks fucking with the iron content of seawater is the way to control global warming. Yeah, that’s right: he’s using one form of pollution to (supposedly) combat the effects of another. Meanwhile, an impoverished native tribe probably won’t be doing much fishing in their ancestral waters anytime soon, thanks to this rust-dumping piece of shit.

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And finally, to Stephen Fucking Harper. Is anyone fooled by his “animal loving” façade? Because I’m not, and neither should you be. All those panda photo-ops are just a cover for a heartless robot who couldn’t care less if Canadian animals, fish and fowl are displaced from their natural habitat by a pipeline ferrying oil to the Koch Bros. on one hand, and the capitalist dictatorship of China on the other. Or if that pipeline leaks and kills every lake, forest, river and aquifer in its vicinity. No, let’s just forget about our own natural legacy, and the Nishiyuu Walkers and other Idle No More demonstrations focused on protecting and preserving it — China must have our dirty oil, and we must have their endangered pandas. The fact that pandas and people alike are endangered by heavy industrial pollution in China is just gonna have to remain a dirty little ill-guarded secret. Eh?

Good night, and get fucked!

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