Wankers of the Week: Poopcakes

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Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, we get painfully literal with the crappy bit; Ikea’s been having more trouble with food gone wrong. This week, it was cakes contaminated with fecal coliform bacteria. Diarrhea, anyone? Some nausea and vomiting, perhaps? Urgh. Anyhow, Ikea’s poopcakes aren’t the only thing that’s full of shit. Lots of people turned out to be full of it as well, and here they are in no particular order:

1. Lech Fucking Walesa. Does anyone still worship this CIA sellout of an anticommunist walrus and (ha, ha) Romney endorser? Because I stopped even respecting him a long time ago, right about when he insulted the late (and very much lamented) president of Venezuela…a better democrat than he’ll ever be. And if you need evidence that he’s no true democrat, just get a load of what he says about gays. He seems to think gay rights is some kind of homosupremacy movement. That’s almost as ridiculous as the contention that his right-wing party was ever about democracy.

2. Steven Fucking Anderson. Teh Crazee is strong with this one. He’s wrong about everything except maybe the fact that the US is not founded by Christians. (No shit; it was founded by Teh Injunz.) But everything else is loopy, loopy, LOOPY. He’s most wrong that Christians shouldn’t be on medication for mental illness. He, of course, is the clearest case in point.

3. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Oh what the hell, let’s put Fat Tony Vaffanculo in here this week. It’s pretty obvious that he is a racist in deeds, and if he turned out to be one in words as well, it wouldn’t surprise me. There isn’t a progressive thing on Earth that he couldn’t take a steaming dump on.

4. Pamela Fucking Geller. How the hell do you get yourself disinvited to the CPAC conference? By criticizing St. Grover of Norquist for not being bigoted and hateful enough. Now you know!

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5. Tom Fucking Flanagan. Still beating his meat…er, flogging that old dead horse about how “child porn voyeurs” are somehow a better class of people than child molesters and/or pornographers? Yup. And also whining that he was “trapped”. By some random native guy asking “a rambling series of questions”. When in fact his own “questions” about why kiddie-porn possession will get you jail time are, well, pretty rambly and apropos of nothing, too. I’ve done my share of time in a university classroom, and the “language” he blathers about is not par for the course, it’s actually highly unusual for there. But then again, I went to one of Canada’s top universities, where babbling about how it’s not so bad to look at shitty pictures of abused children would never fly, and a certain degree of baseline morality exists. This dude taught at the U of Calgary, which is fast acquiring a reputation as an unholy cross between a cowtown diploma mill and a crapaganda factory for right-wing corporatism. I guess sensationalism is their “draw”? And for a supposed academic, he sure is frightfully ignorant about the source of those mere pictures, not to mention what kind of a “different taste” creates the demand for them. I guess his next lecture will be about how supply-side economics is still a valid theory. But I won’t be sitting in to hear it; I’ve heard quite enough of his nonsense, and so have we all. We don’t need to hear his sleazy “explanations” in the National Pest, thankyouveryfuckingmuch. PS: Or Maclean’s, either.

6. Mark Fucking Sanford. I reiterate what I said a few weeks back: Go hike the Appalachian Trail and stay there. Nobody owes your ambitions another moment’s thought. Least of all the (ex-)wife you betrayed with the most ridiculous fucking excuse in the annals of cheatypants.

7. Stephen Fucking Harper. Why?

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That’s why. It’s absolutely mindboggling that he could be talking about “reckless and overheated rhetoric” while the country is going up in smoke from the tar sands of Mordor. Or when you consider just how many of the facts about Israel are lined up squarely against him. PS: Oh, dear. It’s just not your week to keep your foot the fuck out of your mouth, is it, Stevie?

8. And Jason Fucking Kenney is a wanker too, for the same reasons, needless to say. PS: No, Jason, Iraq doesn’t want you either. Go the fuck home.

9. Roger Fucking Mahony. Pee-YEW! What’s that smell? Oh…just a big pile of freshly laid sanctimony, going up in smoke. Ha, ha.

10. Jennifer Fucking Roback Fucking Morse. Why the double Fucking? Because it’s doubleplusbad to attack a suicide who can’t defend himself, and to do it in the name of “protecting marriage”. Not to mention the way she did it, which is just absolutely fucking repulsive. Telling vulnerable people (Tyler Clementi’s grieving parents) that their son shouldn’t have had support because it came from the “wrong” sort of people (TEH GHEYZ, OH NOES!!!) is just sick and disgusting. Especially since lack of social support is what led directly to his suicide.

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11. Ted Fucking Gassman. Stop concern-trolling, Grandpa. Your granddaughter will probably turn out all right regardless of her parents’ divorce. If divorced parents were all it took to turn girls into sleaze queens, there’d be an awful lot more of them…fully half the female population, at least. That’s not true; most teenage girls, even the lost and hurting ones, are still nice. And if you’re really concerned about stopping “promiscuity”, tackle it from the DEMAND end. That is to say, dirty old men who concern-troll by day, and go lurking for under-age girls by night. Guys who look an awful lot like you, in other words.

12. Stephen Fucking Brumme. I won’t ask what causes a real-estate agent to go rummaging through a female client’s dresser drawers, stealing unnamed articles of apparel. I have a fair idea of what it might be already, and it skeeves me the fuck out.

13. Seth Fucking Groody. Congratufuckinglations, you won the “right” to wear an anti-gay shirt to school. I think it only fair that others be allowed an equal right to throw eggs at it. Or better still, wear anti-fundie shirts of their own.

14. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Full-blown antigovernment paranoia: He haz it. Really not sure why he still has a TV show, but then again, I’m really not sure why FUX Snooze is still a thing, either.

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15. George H.W. Fucking Bush. Sniff…awww. Dubya’s dad is “hurting” for his son! Let’s not ask how many Iraqis, Afghans, New Orleanians, etc. are DEAD because of that no-good punk-ass spawn of Satan.

16. John Fucking Kerry. Jesus H. Christ, lay off Dennis Rodman. Yeah, the dude’s way weird, but you know what? He’s done more towards a détente with North Korea than you have. And considering that you fought and survived a war in Southeast Asia, and protested for peace when you came home, one would think you’d be all for that kind of peace ambassadorship. So why aren’t you? PS: Ha, ha.

17. Joe Fucking Oliver. Yeah, sure, the tar sands are green, if by “green” you mean greenhouse gases galore.

18. Pamela Fucking Sampson. No, Venezuela does NOT need Dubai-style skyscrapers; it’s in a quake-prone region. Ever hear of the Andes? And, given that it has a long-standing historical poverty problem (which Chavecito has done MUCH to alleviate), it doesn’t need a local Louvre or other monument to rich people’s money, either. What it needs is what Chavecito has given it: medical care, affordable food, education, literacy, housing, and above all, SOVEREIGNTY. Keep your fucked-up crapitalist priorities off it, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

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19. Keith Fucking Ablow. How much longer till Ablow-hard finally loses his medical licence? Once more, I’m left to speculate that he must have gotten his MD from a diploma mill. Or maybe one of those claw-type vending machines in shopping malls, the kind full of plastic eggs with toys in them. How else to explain how a “doctor” could be stupid enough to think that Barack Obama, who is most certainly no friend of Chavecito (witness his chilly behavior when gifted with Noam Chomsky’s book, or his blandly idiotic words about “new relations” this week), is full of “profound sadness” at the loss of his “comrade”?

20. And while we’re on the subject of FUX Snooze wankers, Brian Fucking Kilmeade is one too (same link), for claiming that Venezuela is “a shambles” because of Chavecito. Don’t anyone tell him what the actual statistics are, because it’ll only make his lip quiver and big glutinous booze-scented tears roll down his cheeks.

21. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. Crazy bitch, lay the fuck off José Serrano; he knows the truth about Venezuela and Cuba, and he’s a true democrat. As is the late Chavecito. And in any case, you’re a fine one to be talking about “authoritarian” anything, since you’re a well-known fascist lunatic who wants to foment coups in at least two countries, where most of the people know your kind all too well and are glad to be rid of you.

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22 and 23. David Fucking Delmonico and Deblin Fucking Costal. That’s right, two imperialist military attachés, one very opportunistic wank. In Venezuela. As Chavecito lay dying, they were kicked out for attempting to foment a coup. Look for more to follow them, and not a moment too soon.

24. Baronelle Fucking Stuzman. So, she’s quite happy to hire gay people, and sell flowers to them…but not for one of their gay, gay, gaiety-gay weddings? Because of her “relationship with Jesus”? Funny, but I don’t recall him saying anywhere to anyone that homophobes are entitled to a “relationship” with him!

25. Fucking Prince. Yeah, the Artist Formerly Known As That Annoying Little Hieroglyph is pretty much a wanker all the time, even if he IS a freakishly talented one. But really: trashing a beautiful old guitar that wasn’t even his, just for a bit of stage flash? He’s established enough by now not to need stunts like this to get attention…and rich enough to pay for the repairs, although I suspect he may be too much of a wanker for that.

26. Dennis Fucking Hof. Wow, a pimp with a heart of gold! That’s a new one on me. Good thing for the gangster that the photo of that “bunny” girl is shot in such a way that it completely obscures the barbed wire and prison walls of the pussy penitentiary behind her.

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27. Mitt Fucking Romney. No, Mittens, your problem wasn’t failing to connect with minority voters; it was failing to connect with voters, period. But I guess one really can’t expect better of a filthy-rich robot with magic underwear and a car elevator, can one?

28. Terry Fucking Glavin. The higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his ass. And the more hyperbole a crappy columnist farts in the face of a dead president, the better the target of his fumes looks by the light of all that burning monkey-flatus.

29. Rob Fucking Ford. Happy Women’s Day, ladies! Robbo’s thinking of you. Why else would he make dirty, sexist remarks and grope whoever’s to hand — in this case, a former rival from the last municipal elections? Oh wait, he was stinkingly drunk. Well, that changes everything!

30. James O’Fucking Keefe. Well, well. Looks like our douchey little fake pimp is gonna have to find himself a sugar daddy. He owes $100,000 in damages to an innocent victim of his ACORN “exposé” (note the quotes). Maybe he could pawn his grandma’s tacky rabbit fur coat, although I doubt he’d get much for it. Or maybe, just maybe, he could start by getting a REAL job for the first time in his life.

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31. Joe Fucking Biden. Thanks so much, Mr. Vice-President, for basically saying that hope and change are NOT on the US agenda when it comes to the Middle East. Remind me again why you and His Barackness were elected in the first place, and re-elected? Oh yeah…you’re supposed to be so different from those other guys. Well, not anymore, you ain’t. In terms of foreign policy, you’re just as bad if not worse.

32. Barack Fucking Obama. Yes, that’s right, His Barackness is a wanker too. Also for foreign policy reasons. It doesn’t sound like he really wants a new relationship with Venezuela; that would mean giving up coupmongering, and the State Dept. would never stand for that. They want to keep things as is, which is to say, profoundly imperialistic. Which is why Nicolás Maduro (viva el nuevo presidente, carajo!) will be giving him the severe side-eye. As will I, I’m sorry to say.

33. Marco Fucking Rubio. Safe to say he won’t be running on a platform called Compassionate Conservatism. Even oxymorons like that are too high-concept for him. No, his attitude is pure malice, and that means letting anyone die who’s not a privileged dude like him. Let him drink bottled water, and may he choke on it.

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34. Jon Fucking Kelly. In case you wonder if the BBC has any journalistic integrity left, this should answer your question firmly in the negative. They’ve been FUX Snoozed, and their coverage of Venezuela is a case in point. Only a complete idiot would put Hugo Chávez in the same category as a bunch of dictators and terrorists. And that’s exactly what this one has done. I don’t suppose it would be worth calling for his resignation; they’ll just replace him with another schlocky hack anyway. Because hey, they don’t have to be accountable to anyone, or informative, anymore. They answer to David Fucking Cameron, bitches!

35. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonsky. Oh look, the sore loser of the last Venezuelan election finally decided to show up…not to pay his respects to the late leader, much less to govern his shambolic state of Miranda (oh no, never THAT), but to criticize the perfectly legitimate succession of Nicolás Maduro as president of Venezuela. I guess the opposition logic here is something along the lines of “We lost the election, therefore we came in second, therefore the presidency now belongs to US!” Newsflash, kiddo…the people didn’t vote for YOU. And they won’t next time around, either. If you fail as governor of Miranda, you have no business running for president of Venezuela. Y punto.

36. Rory Fucking Carroll. Same link as above. After all, this dumb farce wouldn’t be “legitimate” news if it didn’t have at least one credulous foreign presstitute kneeling in front of Capriles’ open zipper. Always gotta be polishing those turdnuggets for the Grauniad, eh Rory? PS: Ha, ha. You got served, boy.

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37. John Fucking Brennan. Oopsies! The new CIA director got sworn in on a copy of the US constitution that was missing the Bill of Rights. Now, some would say that’s an accident, but I say to them that if you believe that, you don’t know shit about those guys. They are not about constitutional human rights, never were, and never will be.

38. Celeste Fucking Greig. Oh fuck, it’s Legitimate Rape all over again. Actually, pregnancy from rape is NOT rare. If you’re ovulating around the same time as the assault, you can get pregnant. It’s that simple. Trauma has no influence on it whatsoever. You’d have to be fucked in the head to think otherwise. (Or a dumb fucking out of touch Repug. Same difference!)

39. Cliff Fucking Kincaid. Is anyone besides me struck by the incredible irony of a repressed, ostensibly straight white teabagger-type dude with an eliminationist agenda demanding a panel to investigate why gays are “prone to violence, terror and treason”? Yes? Oh good. I hate to feel that I’m somehow alone in smelling bullshit all over the fucking place.

40. Chris Fucking Brown. Right now, about the best thing you could do for womankind is just to fuck off and die, already. I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t talk to us, don’t touch us, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Just fuck straight off to hell where you belong, you talentless piece of misogynous shit.

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And finally, to all the brainwashed Chávez-haters of the media, the governments of Canada, the US, and wherever, and to the three sad little trolls who took the first opportunity to poop here, only to be denied. Welcome to the wrong side of history, you fucking buffoons; unlike Fidel, you won’t be absolved. Don’t worry, Nazi-skank “Joan” of 76.118.149.156, hyena “Joe” at 65.34.222.134 (dein Deutsch stinkt, du saublöder Scheißhammel!), and necrophile “Forenzo” at 82.41.214.175. You may not get any love from me, but you’ll get plenty of attention, and if my loyal readers have anything to say, you’re going to find your e-mail boxes full of billets-doux before you know it. So you won’t feel totally alone, even if you are slowly circling the drain of irrelevance. Yeah, bitches, guess who’s got the last laugh now? Me, eating your lunches and washing ’em down with your sweet, sweet tears. That’s who.

Good night, and get fucked!

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