Wankers of the Week: Kim Jong Uh-Oh

Crappy weekend, everyone! Oh, that Kim Jong-un…what a card. Ha, ha. Threatening Gringolandia with nuclear annihilation, dang. Guess Dennis Rodman didn’t get that “call me maybe” message to His Barackness fast enough. Pity. Anyway, if you think Kim Jong-un was the biggest buffoon this week, you’d be wrong, because there were plenty of others even bigger. MUCH bigger. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Sue Fucking Everhart. Somehow, I can’t see many straight people taking advantage of same-sex marriage for tax and benefits reasons. If they wanted to do that, why not just fake-marry another straight person of the OPPOSITE sex, like so many people do already? Or…and this’ll blow your mind…how about a GAY person of the opposite sex? They marry “straight” like that all the time already. And none of you sex-obsessed right-wing wankhards ever seem to wonder how they fit THEIR genitals together…

2. John Fucking Baird. He’s embarrassed by some very good questions from a Jordanian reporter? That’s nothing. We’ve been embarrassed for quite some time already, as a nation, by his inept fuckeries on the international stage. And, trust me, my foreign friends…we can hardly wait to see his back lumber off into the sunset. Or a maximum-security prison. Preferably not on YOUR soil.

3. Paolo di Fucking Canio. When is a Nazi salute not a Nazi salute? When it’s done by an Italian fascist who’s not really an “ideological fascist”. Confused yet? I’m not. I say that if you’re not a fascist, you don’t go around giving fascist hand-snaps, unless you want your ass kicked by people who are NOT amused by your attempts to confuse. And if you ARE a fascist, you still don’t go around making that gesture…unless you want your fascist ass kicked by those to whom it is no better than a fuck-finger between the eyes.

4. Donald Fucking Wuerl. So, gays are supposed to “make room” for Catholic bigots who want to tell them how to live? And divorced Catholics on their second marriage, and people who can’t have kids, etc., etc.? Other way around, Pedophile Enabler. This is why you’re hemorrhaging members. It’s the intolerance, stupid!

5. Pat Fucking Robertson. Well, this is a new one on me. Patwa thinks God hands out miracles on the basis of education? Meaning, the stupider and less educated you are, the more miracles you get? Well, I suppose it looks that way. If you’re not terribly bright and don’t have much education, that is. And if you hand a lot of money to Patwa for “miracles” that never come.

6. Brian Fucking Cranford. While it pains me to wank-list a child, I think I’d better, just to show you what I meant in the entry above. This is what you REALLY get when you lack education, kiddies. Not miracles. Just homophobia, self-righteousness, and a Junior Fred Fucking Phelps who thinks God “called” him to be a professional bigot at an early age. And to tell gay people to die. On Easter Sunday. Yeah, God hands out miracles on the basis of an utter lack of a sense of irony, too.

7. Timothy Fucking Dolan. Back to #4 and pedophile enablers for a moment. Yeah, gay people are entitled to friendship; that’s why we fag-hags exist. We’re their friends. But we can’t marry them straight, and we don’t want to. We want to see them find their own perfect, lovely, GAY partners, and marry THEM. If they’re so inclined, that is. And if it’s legal…which, in any event, it SHOULD be.

8. Dave Fucking Agema, AGAIN. Woop woop woop woop! Sorry, that was my gaydar going off. It has a funny way of doing that around loud ‘n’ proud professional homophobes.

9. Kenneth Fucking Kurran. Yeah, that was a real brilliant move, using Craigslist to send clueless horny men to sexually harass your ex, instead of doing it yourself. I can’t imagine why she dumped you!

10. Matt Fucking Drudge. It doesn’t take much to April-Fool him, does it? No, it doesn’t! Ha, ha.

11. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. He tweeted that he’s resigning from the Senate…on April Fool’s Day. Ha, ha, very funny. Now make our day and do it for real, you fucking wanker.

12. Rand Fucking Paul. Quick…what are the tenets of libertarian foreign policy? Why, just the same old gringo imperialism as ever. Duh!

13. Paul Fucking Carr. Oh, the evils of social media…Teh Tweeter got the NYT to clean up its shitty lede! Horrors! A firestorm of…what? Oh, never mind. Yvonne Carr was a ROCKET SCIENTIST, and that is how the world should remember her. Her fabulous Beef Stroganoff may be what her family remember, but in the grand scheme of things, it is actually irrelevant. Kind of like Paul Fucking Carr, in other words. Yeah, it takes a brave man to adopt an oh-so-daring “post-feminist” stance and say that we’re now past all the bad stuff and it’s okay to go back to the good ol’ Feminine Mystique and celebrate women’s homemaking, maternity, etc., as their proudest achievements. And that this should go unchallenged by social media’s great unwashed. Kirche, Küche, Kinder über alles! And if you don’t see the sexism of that after fifty fucking years of Betty Friedan, try switching out the sexes. Of how many men is it trumpeted in their obituaries that they were great cooks, housekeepers, etc.? Unless they were Cordon Bleu chefs (like Julia Child!) or the concierges of grand hotels, the answer is NONE. Unless a man is being paid, and paid handsomely, to do those jobs, that’s all just women’s work. Not worthy of a man, in other words, but good for a posthumous pat on her head, to reassure the world that she did count for something after all. Just, you know, not what she was paid to do by those who value satellites holding their orbits.

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Guess this was Icky Ricky Buttsploodge’s time to pull a Dan Quayle. Remember Murphy Brown and all the single mothers she allegedly spawned? Yeah, Will and Grace was what made same-sex marriage an issue. Meanwhile, my best friend and I were Will and Grace more than ten years before that show was even on the air. And my friend married his boyfriend in 1990…a full eight years before the show hit the airwaves, and 14 years before same-sex marriage became legal here in Canada, if you’re counting. OMG…that means my best friend and I were the REAL reason same-sex marriage became an issue! Oh gosh, I guess we opened a can of worms, didn’t we? Sorry, everybody!

15 and 16. Carl Fucking Ford and Harry Fucking Warren. What part of the First Amendment do teabaggers not understand? Oh, only ALL OF IT. And it seems they’re pretty shaky on the rest of the US constitution, too. And the Treaty of Tripoli, which clearly says that there is no state religion anywhere in the US of A. For that matter, they can’t even remember their own state’s laws and judicial rulings. Oops! Time to go back to school, guys, and learn some history and civics. If you really want to get out of the feds’ jurisdiction, why don’t you remember what you wingnuts were saying during the 1960s: “America, love it or leave it!”

17 and 18. Tuve Fucking Skånberg and Annelie Fucking Enochson. Got scary news for you, ladies: A third human sex already exists, and always has. And it has done so independent of all the physical gender transitions which medical science has made possible in the last century. It’s nothing new, it’s more common than most people realize, and it can’t be caused by leaving trans-people unsterilized. I just find it hilarious to hear this nonsense coming from Sweden, of all places, because that’s where the first fully transsexual women received their surgeries.

19. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Yes, the Cooch is back in the news. Yes, it’s another sex wank. And this time, he wants to make “gay” sex practices such as oral and anal sex illegal even for straight people to do. Even consensually. I can’t wait to hear how, as governor of Virginia (!), he plans to enforce that prohibition. Will there be HUAC-style witch-hunts in which Virginians are all mercilessly interrogated about how, when, where and with whom they’ve done what? Or will spy-eyes be planted outside every bedroom in the state? Details: the devil is in ’em.

20. Dudley Fucking Brown. There’s a time to utter death threats, and a time to shut the fuck up. You’ve done the former already. Now, do the latter. And hand over your gun, too, since you’re plainly not to be trusted with it.

21. Mike Fucking Pence. At a time when so many other states are legalizing pot, or getting ready to, Indiana is slipping back into the Dark Ages of Reefer Madness…and this goobernator is why. I’d ask what he’s smoking, but I think I already know.

22. Justin Fucking Bieber. Cruelty to animals? Yup. Taking a monkey away from its mother too soon is inexcusable. As is schlepping it around on tour. And as for what he named the poor little munk — the less said, the better.

23. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Shark: JUMPED. Also, EWWWWWWWW. PS: Are we absolutely certain that the gropey corpse in that picture isn’t in fact her husband?

24. Tyler Fucking Perry. For two reasons: Casting the world’s most wooden actress, Kim Fucking Kardashian (why? why?? why???), and for normalizing rape culture via the madonna/whore dichotomy. Sucky sexist clichés anyone? How many reasons do we need NOT to watch a movie?

25. Stephanie Fucking Starling. Somehow, it just seems strangely appropriate that someone grifting on a sugar-daddy site is a “proud Romney supporter”, too. Shit, why work when you can just extort some horny married bozo with more money than brains? And of course, being a proud Romney supporter, you just know she’s one of those hypocrites who turn around and tell other people to get jobs, other women not to be whores, etc., etc.

26. Reince Fucking Priebus. Nobody supports infanticide. Nobody said they supported it, either. Now, WHERE ARE THE FUCKING JOBS???

27. Jeremy Fucking Irons. Boring actor is a concern troll. Saying that gay marriage will suddenly make it okay for fathers to marry their own sons is like saying that straight marriage makes it already okay for fathers to marry their own daughters. Incest isn’t just illegal for heterosexuals, or because of breeding issues, or because of inheritance taxation; it’s illegal across the board, because it does real and lifelong psychological harm. And no, same sex marriage will NOT change that. PS: Ewwww. Well, then. I guess Mr. Irons won’t mind if I reach behind me and crack his nuts while he’s busy fondling my bum, eh?

28. Colin Fucking Craig. “Taxpayer” advocate is a racist prick masquerading as a crusader for the over-picked pocketbooks of poor, beleaguered rich whites. There is simply no other explanation for his bizarre antics and heckling of First Nations speakers.

29. Joe Fucking Oliver. Gotta hand it to Joe, he’s one helluva great recycler. Too bad that what he recycles is nothing more than figures pulled out of some bankster economist’s ass.

30. Michael Fucking Reagan. Blah blah blah GAY MARRIAGE blah blah POLYGAMY blah blah blah blah BESTIALITY blah blah blabbity blah blah MURDER blah blah blibbity-blabbity blah.

31. Keith Fucking Ablow. Again with the tired old polygamy trope! Listen, Ah-blow-me, we’ve had same sex marriage here in Canada for nearly a decade now, and I’m still single. That’s right: No harem of husbands. And no other Canadian woman has that, either. Know why? BECAUSE WE DIDN’T LEGALIZE POLYGAMY, YOU STUPID FUCK.

32. Sam Fucking Harris. Poor baby, wouldums like a hankie? Yes, dear, I know. It’s so harsh to be tripped up by your own stupid, bigoted words, isn’t it? Especially since they prove only one thing: that you militant atheists are just as dangerous, barbaric and disgusting as all the other militant religionists out there. You know, the ones you make a tidy cottage industry out of hatemongering and warmongering against?

33. Richard Fucking Allen. Oh dear, someone is STILL confused by the difference between Zionism and Judaism. And by the fact that Roger Waters isn’t an anti-Semite, he’s an anti-Zionist and an anti-apartheid rocker. And above all, by the fact that there are Jews out there who feel the same way about Israeli apartheid as Roger Waters does. LOTS of them.

34. Tony Fucking Merchant. Not only has he made unconscionable amounts of money off Native survivors of residential schools as their supposed legal advocate (spoiler: he’s in MAJOR trouble with the Law Society), he’s also been squirreling it away in the Crook — er, COOK — Islands. Sorry about that Freudian slip. (Ha, no, not really.)

35. Al Fucking Gerhart. Oklahoma was never very clean to begin with, and now it’s truly filthy, thanks to the local teabaggers and their smear tactics. But then again, feh — who cares about sustainability and the future? Not these guys. They’re all old farts fixin’ to die anyway. Shit, why should THEY worry?

36. Steven Fucking Ertelt. Actually, most women who’ve had abortions don’t regret them (they regret only becoming pregnant in the first place), and they also don’t come forward with sob stories about how much they regret “killing their babies”, as you so charmingly (and inaccurately) put it. They just quietly pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with the business of life. Which, no doubt, is something you so-called pro-lifers would be only too happy to deny those uncorralled jezebels, if you only had your way. Which, thank Goddess, you never will.

37. Ronald Fucking Depellegrin. It’s bad enough that cops are busting hookers, and not the johns. But when the cops ARE the johns, that’s even worse. Worst of all is insisting on getting a BJ…before busting her. If that isn’t a slimeball tactic, I don’t know what is.

38. Barack Fucking Obama. Since when are attorneys-general hired on the basis of their looks? Since, oh, only NEVER. Would he have said this if Kamala Harris were a man? No…he’d be focused on the capabilities, which is as it should be in the case of any appointee, regardless of sex. PS: And for all those dudes who STILL don’t get it, here. READ.

39. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. In an age of smartphones that can literally do just about everything but clean the kitchen sink, who’s going to shell out extra for one that only has one function — and such a lame one, at that? Facebook Phone FAIL.

40. Rick Fucking Ross. He wrote an ungrammatical song about drugging a woman’s champagne and then having sex with her, “and she [didn’t] even know it.” He perpetuated rape culture, and he didn’t even know it. Well, now he does know it. And his apology kinda-sorta sucks.

41. Robert Fucking Kirkman. Misogynist men generally have issues (read: PROBLEMS; read: SMALL DICKS) with strong women. That’s science.

42. Chris Fucking Matthews. Do women worry about domestic violence? Well, seeing as most of it happens to us and not dudes, I would have to go with a resounding DUH!!!

43 and 44. Brian Fucking Kilmeade and Steve Fucking Doocy. Why are these two brainless hacks being paid so much to tell people struggling on SUB-minimum wage pay (we’re talking RESTAURANTS here) to “get another job” when the one they work already has full-time hours and they’re dead on their feet? Tell ya what, guys, why don’t you do some real journalism for a change, and try living in waiters’ shoes. Take a full week off your regular cushy job and just wait tables in a restaurant, with hidden cameras tracking your efforts to work long hours, for shitty pay, on feet that are killing you, smiling and faking nice throughout. Better still, do what this young British journalist did and try living like a homeless person. You deserve that death more than he did.

45. Patti Fucking Burke. No, that is NOT a cross, nor is it a crown, much less a sign from God on your fucking goldfish cracker, lady. It is the impression of the head of a Phillips screw. And hard evidence, in case anyone needs it, of why I yell “Jesus H. Christ on a cracker!” when some idiot attaches superstitious meanings to snacks. (I’ll show myself out now.)

46. John Fucking Shearen. Florida’s current #1alleged distributor of kiddie porn looks…well, pretty much the way I expected him to. And since the police arrested him in flagrante, downloading more of the shit, he also BEHAVES pretty much the way I expected him to.

47. Roy Fucking Blunt. Why?

That’s why. Anywhere else in the world, that shit would be called by its right name: CORRUPTION. But in the US of Amnesia, it’s just Big Bidness, gettin’ its lobbying money’s worth.

48. John Fucking Boehner. Y’know, Boner, my mother always taught me to read things BEFORE throwing them out. Didn’t yours ever teach you anything? But look who I’m talking to. You’re a Repug! Manners are for the Little People. The ones who aren’t tanned and pickled in gin. Right?

49. Roxanne Fucking Jones. How nice it must be to live in a world where mindless casual sexism is a “compliment”, and if anyone doesn’t like it, that just means that bitches be jealous, and nothing more. Where do I find this bulletproof plastic bubble you speak of, and how do I get in?

50. Christopher Earl Fucking Strunk. Dude. Stop with the birther bullshit. You are wasting time and money on a bogus conspiracy with nothing at the bottom of it all. Pay your fine and go away. The long-form birth certificate has been released, and there is nothing more to see. You’re just making an even bigger ass of yourself than you already are.

And finally, to the crapaganda lamestream media. Why?

That’s why. You don’t report; you just make shit up and copy other made-up shit. And you wonder why nobody trusts you anymore? I think this might be a fucking clue. Here’s a hot story tip for you, not that you’re likely to use it: Go to the Cayman Islands. Or the Cook Islands. Or the British Virgin Islands, or the Channel Islands. Go to any little “offshore” country where there are lots of banks, no taxes, and governments who obligingly look the other way. There are literally billions of dollars’ worth of tax evasion still waiting to be reported there, and THAT is the real danger to global security. What capitalists do while the rest of the world sleeps will always be a bigger scandal than something some little commie dude in North Korea supposedly said (and actually, DID NOT say.)

Good night, and get fucked!