Wankers of the Week: The Boston Marabomb

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a special shout-out to the people of Boston, and everyone affected by the marathon bombing. That’s a horror no one should have to live through, ever. You people are all in my thoughts and prayers. These people, on the other hand, are only in my prayers insofar as it’s “Please, Goddess, take them away!” And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Justin Fucking Bieber. Newsflash, J-Bieb, Anne Frank is not all about you. But it’s easy to see how you might think she would have been, seeing as you have all those fake and ghost Twitter followers… PS: Yeah, this’ll really help with that narcissism thing. NOT.

2. George Fucking Will. Conservatism and facts don’t even inhabit the same universe. But hey! Good luck trying to convince the rest of the wankers that it’s time to legalize the undocumented, just the same.

3. John Fucking Baird. If anyone ever deserved to have rocks and shoes thrown at him, it’s Squealer. Of course he thinks he did nothing wrong in meeting Israelis on Palestinian turf. Actually, it’s ALL Palestinian turf, but in his mind (and those of the Israelis, too, no doubt) it’s all Israeli turf, and always was. So yeah, no “shift” there!

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4. Nathan Fucking Deal. Nice to know that the Confederacy (of Dunces) is still alive and well in Georgia. And that the squatter in the governor’s mansion still can’t get into the 20th century, much less the 21st. An integrated prom isn’t a “publicity stunt”, it’s something that should have been taken for granted long ago. But then again, this good ol’ redneck probably still flies the Stars ‘n’ Bars from his car antenna.

5. Fucking ExxtortionMobil. Yay for snake oil! See, that Arkansas pipeline disaster was good for something. Too bad it wasn’t at all good for the local birds.

6. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonski. Why the double Fucking? Because he’s a double-Majunche. Did you ever see such a sore loser in your life? And the nerve of him, claiming Maduro won by fraud when, if anything, the fraud is more likely to be on his own side. It’s awfully hard to see how a crappy little do-nothing governor, whose state is all gone to shit, and who is known to have made putschist plans (and carried them out throughout the election campaign) could take as much as 49% of the vote without cheating somehow. And, that being said: Don’t be too surprised if this piece of flotsam washes up on shore in Miami before a warrant can be issued for his arrest. PS: And this is why you’re not president. You’re an uncouth fucking Majunche with no manners, who pisses on foreign heads of state. You lost because you’re not wanted at Miraflores, now take a fucking hint!

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7. Alex Fucking Jones. The Boston Marathon bombing was a “government conspiracy”!!!1111eleventyhundredeleven! Only it wasn’t. Is that egg starting to feel a little tight on your face there, Alex? Ha, ha.

8. Pamela Fucking Geller. Even without actually knowing who set it, she just “knows” the Boston bomb was a jihadist bomb. Funny how someone who knows fuck-all, always seems to “know” so much. One day, Pam, it’s gonna be not only some white dude, but a white dude who thinks just like YOU. And I can’t wait to hear what you’ll say then.

9. Dave Fucking Agema, AGAIN. Great job of researching your little theories there, Dave! Because Holocaust-denying, sheet-wearing Klukers are just the most reliable sources of information on homosexuality in the whole wide world, eh?

10. Erik Fucking Rush. Dude, “round up all the Saudis and kill them” is NOT a joke. And “but I was just joking” isn’t a very good excuse for tweeting stupid, asinine, genocidal shit. Oh, and calling other people “sphincters” for not “getting” it? Still doesn’t make it a joke, ASSHOLE. Just substitute “blacks” for “Saudis”, “conservatism” for “Islam”, and see how that plays. Not so funny NOW, is it? PS: Sign, sign, sign!

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11. Fucking Dubya. How very nice to know, more than ten years and millions of deaths after the fact, that the Idiot Son of an Asshole still feels “comfortable” with his own bad decisions and choices. Unfortunately, his “comfort” won’t give people back their innocent, undeserving dead. And to be honest, I couldn’t give two shits for his “comfort”. He’s a war criminal, and “comfortable”, in any sense, is the LAST thing he should be.

12. Glenn Fucking Beck. Still alive. Still babbling bullshit. Still tick, tick, ticking away like a time-bomb of lunacy. How I wish that cerebral hemorrhage would finally come, this suspense is killing me.

13. Anthony Fucking Bellifemine. Hey look! #10 has a soul brother. Awww, how…FUGLY.

14. Jim Fucking Hoft. Saudi students EVIL! Saudi students SCARY! Saudi student in question happens to be not even a suspect. And his “suspicious behavior” consisted only of doing what every other innocent person injured at the scene of the Boston bombing did: running away from the explosions, or trying to.

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15. Dan Fucking Bidondi. Well, let’s give this Alex Jones lackey some credit for just coming straight out and ASKING if the Boston bombing was a “false flag” operation. Short answer: No. Slightly longer answer: No, and you’re a paranoid freak-scene. What the fuck are you doing at a press conference, anyway?

16. Felipe Fucking Calderón. Yes, that’s right, the former president of Mexico. Who knew HE was a conspiracy freak? Tenuous connections and loose coincidences do not an adequate explanation make, señor.

17. Melvin Fucking Harter. Sorry, pal, but if you’re against marriage equality, you ARE a hater. Good thing your advertising firm isn’t the only one in town. And hey! You’ve just managed to generate a shitload of negative publicity…for YOURSELF.

18. Peter Fucking Brabeck. Water is not a human right? Nature has to be “overcome”? Human ingenuity über alles? Sounds like a psychopath to me. Way to prove The Corporation right, Peter. Why are you not in a straitjacket? Why has your company not been broken up as a monopoly yet? Oh, and Nestlé does NOT feed me. I don’t buy any of their products, on principle, and haven’t done so since I first heard of their involvement in the Venezuelan coup of ’02. And all their other corporate crimes, too. Chew on THAT, dude. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

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19. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Oh good, so I’m not the only one to notice the irony of an old racist calling for a civil-rights uprising against LGBTs. I hereby call for Puke-Cannon to drop dead.

20. Alan Fucking Jones. Are we caught in a time warp AGAIN? Last time “left-wing radicals” were bombing shit, it was the 1970s. And that stuff was already getting old for the left even then. What will this crazy codger say when it turns out that the bomber was a right-winger, and not a leftist or a Muslim as all the crazy wackaloons of the right have already decided?

21. Esther Irene Fucking Stokes. Well, I never. Racism is now a criminal defence! Only it’s not. It’s quite possible to dislike black people and still sexually abuse a black child. In fact, the two go together rather frequently. The southern history of slavery should bear that out.

22. Steve Fucking Emerson. Yeah, that’s right. Saudi student is just a Saudi student. An INNOCENT Saudi student. Feeling stupid yet? For that matter, have you begun to feel stupid about Oklahoma City yet?

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23. Mark Fucking Sanford. Just couldn’t stay away from the ex-wife once you got engaged to the “Appalachian Trail”, eh? If there’s such a thing as an embarrassment addict, this dude is it. Or else he just has no idea how fucking bad he looks on all fronts. Jayzus.

24. Louie Fucking Gohmert. “Radicial Islamists are trained to act Hispanic” — and radical idiots are trained to act Repugnican. Oh wait, that’s not training? He’s just naturally fucking stupid and racist? Gawlee, Gomer. It’s getting so hard to tell. PS: Also, way to explain the APARTHEID wall of shame in Palestine, Gomer. You stupid, stupid fuck.

25. Peter Fucking Hansen. Now that all women know that we’re just “vaginas” to him (and I’m sure he was dying to call us something much worse, which means essentially that), I think we can safely start thinking of him as a dickhead. A teeny, weeny, microscopic MOSQUITO dickhead. PS: Non-apology is non-accepted. Also, PENIS.

26. Tommy Fucking Tucker. No, Senator, you’re not the one dictating public policy. Your constituents are. Your job is to LISTEN. And to take their will to Capitol Hill. Did you flunk civics, and is that a requirement for being a Repug these days?

27. George Fucking Osborne. Why?

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That’s why. The weaselly little face says it all. And the misplaced tears, too.

28. David Fucking Norris. Surprise! Holding a knife to a Muslim’s throat and demanding that she take off her headscarf because “this is England”, is assault. And it makes you nothing but a common, racist thug.

29. John Fucking Kerry. Latin America is NOT your backyard. It is a group of sovereign nations, all of whom are your NEIGHBORS, and none of whom appreciate your interference, your snobbishness, or your picking and choosing whom to recognize as “legitimate” and not. Mainly because it’s so blindingly obvious to all of them that you gringos always prefer to “recognize” as “great friends of democracy” the worst and most fascist so-called leaders, while fomenting coups against the best and most popular elected ones. And if you’re going to demand a recount in Venezuela, there’s just one question that really needs to be asked of you: Why the fuck were you not demanding one in Florida, 2000, when a dictator stole that election with the help of his cousin in the media?

30. Stephen Fucking Harper. Justin Trudeau’s comments on the Boston bombing were perfectly appropriate. What is so wrong about examining root causes of terrorism? It’s what any intelligent person ought to do. And really, what is “rationalizing or making excuses” about that, anyway? If anything, it’s better to inquire and learn than to simply lash back with violence in ignorance, as Harpo is inordinately fond of doing…to people like Justin Trudeau. Whom he seems to perceive as a threat, ha ha.

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31. Bob Fucking Davis. You, pathetic fucking shock jock, can go to hell. That is all.

32. Horacio Fucking Cartes. You’d shoot yourself in the testicles if your son wanted to marry another man? Please shoot yourself in the testicles, period. It’s not like you fascists should be reproducing anyway.

33. Scott Fucking Lively. For the final time: AIDS is caused by a virus. Meningitis is caused by viruses and several strains of bacteria. Homophobic idiocy, from which YOU suffer, is a curse from God. And it usually afflicts those who have things to hide, and who think God gives a shit who you sleep with.

34. Markwayne Fucking Mullin. You think the ExxtortionMobil pipeline rupture is a GOOD sign? And that they should be patted on the back for the frankly horrible way they handled it? You really need to stop drinking fracking fluid, fuckhead.

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35. George Fucking Aulenbacher. WTF kind of person are you for inviting Pam Fucking Stenzel to tell crazy-ass lies about sex and birth control to your students, and for trying to censor a girl who had the courage and good sense to point out that your abstinence-only emperor has no fucking clothes. Who do you think you are, trying to get her un-accepted from a prestigious college where she’s already BEEN accepted, just because you can’t handle the truth? What kind of person does such things? A person of bad character, that’s who.

36. Ted Fucking Cruz. Is anyone else struck by the irony of a man who looks and acts exactly like Tailgunner Joe McCarthy being paranoid as hell about a fictional, confiscatory gun registry? Oh good. Glad I’m not the only one.

37. Glenn Fucking Reynolds. Is anyone else stuck by the irony of a professional bully and feckin’ eejit, who calls himself an “Instapundit”, accusing a woman who nearly died of a gunshot to the head…of BULLYING? Oh good. Glad I’m not the only one.

38. Jim Fucking Karygiannis. Call yourself a Liberal? You’re a fucking corporate tool, a SupposiTory in red. The so-called “Venezuelan Diaspora in Canada” is nothing but a bunch of crybaby escualidos who don’t want to pay taxes on their immense wealth back home. And who can’t handle a real democratic government…which Canada, incidentally, doesn’t have. And speaking of which, why don’t you work on that, back here, instead of meddling in Venezuela? Aren’t you in the Loyal Opposition? Oh yeah, I forgot: Corporate tool, SupposiTory in red. Never mind…

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39. Col Fucking Allan. When you make a mistake and publish the wrong “suspect” photos in your newspaper, you apologize and issue a retraction. You do NOT, under any circumstances, dig your heels in deeper and make lame excuses. Unless, of course, you want to be considered a drunken crypto-racist pig-fucker. Ha, ha.

40. Pat Fucking Robertson. He blames the 1980s game of Dungeons and Dragons for “destroying people’s lives”. Meanwhile, not a peep about all the damage done by bible-thumping, as for instance here.

41. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Fortunately, you don’t get to decide who gets read their Miranda rights and who doesn’t. The law does, and it is clear that EVERYONE has the right to remain silent. Which I advise YOU to do, too…as anything you say can and will be used against you to show what a fucking idiot you are.

42. Nate Fucking Bell. Here’s a tip to all you good ol’ boys from Arkansas, who think an AR-15 is the answer to everything: Not in Boston, it ain’t.

43. Ann Fucking Coulter. Why?

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That’s why. I can’t wait till someone drives a stake through her, so I can make mean jokes about it. And, unlike hers, mine won’t be lame.

44. Samantha Fucking Brick. No, Joan Collins is NOT right. Being on a constant diet depletes your brain cells. And you’re the living proof of that, since you’re still married to that unattractive slob who thinks he has the right to keep you thin and deluded.

45. Michael Fucking Potter. You don’t know why you’re against contraception? Funny, that’s what your pope says, too.

46. Jeff Fucking Duncan. The day the Drudge Report becomes a “reliable news source” is the day we all find ourselves through the Looking Glass. That ain’t nothin’ but a shitty right-wing gossip blog…and is there really any other kind?

47. Michael Fucking Savage. I’m not even sure why I’m bothering with this asshat. He’s been a one-note wonder for years. Nevertheless, for his part in promoting the bogus theory of the Saudi student, he’s listed.

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48. Mike Fucking Duffy. Quel surprise! Puffy hasn’t paid back the taxpayer money he wasted on fraudulent travel claims for his nonexistent residency in Prince Edward Island. Typical Conservative greedhead, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. And by the looks of him, he’s already eaten way too much.

49. Tony Fucking Perkins. Sexual liberalism caused the Boston bombing! Oh lordy, lordy, good Gordie. Actually, one senses that if either of those guys had been getting laid on a regular basis, they’d have had less motivation to try and make their mark in a more destructive way. As would, for that matter, Tony Fucking Perkins.

50. Greg Fucking Ball. Oh look, another Repug who believes torture will work on Suspect #2. Waterboard this motherfucker and see how it “works” on him, I say.

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And finally, to all the fucking conspiracy-spinning twoofers out there. Can’t you people wait till you get all the facts, instead of relying on third-rate hearsay and the usual vague theories of a nameless, faceless “global elite” being behind the Boston bombing? Oh wait, that would conflict with your pwecious flibbertigibbertarian ideology. You’d rather think that the government is out to control your feeble minds than bother to change it for the better, and make it more responsible for regulations that would prevent tragedies like this and the one in West, Texas. Well, guess what: You’re in good company. The guys who laid those bombs are apparently not so different from you, or at least their militantly religious families are. And it seems that they, in their own way, are anti-government nutjobs, too. So yeah, chew on that. And if it feels like you’re chewing your own toes, it’s because you fucking ARE.

Good night, and get fucked!

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