Wankers of the Week: Barbecued Ratkabobs

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how is everyone enjoying their rat — er, mutton — dressed up as lamb? Gamey enough for ya? Gross enough for ya? Don’t worry, I’ve got a list of pungent stinkers this week that’ll make even the rattiest of ratkabobs seem downright appetizing. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Mark Fucking Sanford. Has somebody got lady problems? I’m frankly amazed that South Carolina was dumb enough to vote for this loon. What are they, chicken?

2. James Fucking Carville. Dude, what are you smoking? Ted Fucking Cruz isn’t talented OR fearless. He’s a carbon copy of Tailgunner Joe McCarthy, and we all know how pants-peeing paranoid HE was.

3. Nina Fucking Easton. Lady, are you on crazy pills? Teen pregnancies should NOT be celebrated; they should be prevented and, more to the point, discouraged. And good luck trying to usher in another Baby Scoop Era. Almost no one voluntarily gives up a child, even when she can ill afford to keep it. Birth control and abortion on demand may not be “heroic”, but at least they don’t consign a girl to motherhood before she’s done with childhood.

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4. Newt Fucking Gingrich. This just in: Catholics are oppressed! Well, of COURSE they are. But the oppressor is the church hierarchy, which demands the ridiculous from adherents, and the impossible from the clergy. So spare me the pious bunkum about how the LGBTs are the oppressors. Considering that at one time the church would have burned them at the stake for heresy, there is simply no fucking comparison.

5. Thomas Fucking Tobin. And speaking of Catholics and the oppression of the LGBTs, how about this bishop? Apparently, merely attending a same-sex wedding will harm one’s relationship with God. Well, Bishop, I happen to have attended the first same-sex wedding the Queen’s University chaplain ever performed, 23 years ago. And strangely, I don’t get the feeling that God hates me for it at all.

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. The Second Amendment comes from God? No, it comes from the pen of someone who didn’t know how to use commas correctly. And it’s been fucking with stupid heads ever since. Where’s the dignity in that?

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7. Jeff Fucking Krusinski. Talk about conduct unbecoming: Can you believe he was put in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire USAF? And then he goes and gets drunk, and gropes a woman in a parking lot, who fortunately has the presence of mind to beat the shit out of him. Maybe they should put HER in charge of that program; she’d do a far better job than he ever could. PS: Holy fucking shit.

8. Ari Fucking Fleischer. Yes, that’s right, Dubya’s own Baghdad Bob is back in the news, and just as full of shit as we remember him. He was full of shit over Iraq; he was leaking it out the ears over Chavecito. Is it such a shock that he would also not know what the fuck he was talking about when it came to the Nazis? But oh, what a telling Freudian slip that is, because the Nazis and their utter disregard for international law are always the first things that come to MY mind when I think of BushCo!

9. Geoffrey Fucking Portway. Hannibal Lecter he ain’t, and maybe that’s just as well. “Fat Longpig”, as he used to be known on the kiddie-porn circuit, couldn’t pick on someone his own size, and didn’t even have the guts to do the deed himself. Memo to all you pedophiles, wannabe cannibals, and dungeon-masters out there: If you can’t even kidnap your own victims and have to hire an accomplice to do the dirtywork, you have no right to your sick delusions of grandeur. (Actually, you have no right to them regardless. You sick, sick fucks.)

10. Nancy Fucking Brinker. In case you were still in any doubt as to whether the Susan B. Komen Foundation was about finding a cure for cancer: It’s not. It’s all about the lining of the CEO’s already huge pocketbook. You might want to donate directly to your local Cancer Society instead. In fact, you SHOULD.

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11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh, now he’s threatening to leave a radio network because the advertisers are deserting him? Yeah, Rusty, that sounds real scary. Why don’t you just follow through and see what happens? I bet you dollars to doughnuts that you’ll never be missed. PS: And this is just one more reason why you won’t be missed. Those girls were kidnapped when Dubya, NOT Obama, was president. Your argument is shit.

12. Rick Fucking Perry. Yeah, gay people are exactly like slavers. Say, Crotch…just when do you plan on giving up that ol’ civil war and coming out of your own closet, already?

13. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, Patwa, God can’t “change” murderers or rapists, much less LGBT people (who don’t deserve to be in that kind of company, BTW). After all, he’s apparently powerless to keep YOU from lying! PS: And also, making weird shit up. PPS: Oh yeah…and THIS:

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14. Cody Fucking Wilson. Next time your precious widdle 3D-printed gun misfires, I hope it kills you. After all, “liberty” is more important than life! PS: Don’t be too surprised if you’re arrested for illegal gun trafficking…and the NRA does nothing to bail you out. After all, you’re threatening to cut in on their corporate sponsors’ profits…

15. Joe Fucking Francis. So, Botox Boy Gone Wild has been busted, yet again, for assaulting women. And this time, it could be Guy Gone to Jail. For five years. Let us pray…

16. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. So, he has to pay back $30,000 of taxpayer money. Well, it’s a good start. I wonder when his boss, Big Chief Shit Head, is going to pay back the $3 billion that “went missing” on HIS watch…

17. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. Disingenuous antichoicer is disingenuous. Of course no pro-choice group will support any of the motions this imbecile puts forth in Parliament! What was he expecting? This isn’t rudeness on their part, it’s deliberate, transparent trolling for attention on his. And yet another epic fail in the battle to corral women by stripping away their rights. PS: Ha, ha. Also, SIGN.

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18. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Wow. This just hasn’t been your year, has it? Ha, ha.

19. Chris Fucking Brown. “Wife” is a noun, not a verb. The verb in question is “to marry”. And frankly, she is lucky you didn’t. She is luckier still to be rid of you.

20. Paul Fucking Ryan. Some people are born with a silver spoon; others, with a big ol’ foot in their mouths. If the Repugs ever hope to be relevant to immigrant Americans, and to overcome their racist image, they might want to rethink the use of phrases like “anchor baby”.

21. Stephen Fucking Harper. Well, I think I just found $0.1 billion of the $3.1 billion that was lost on his watch. He spent it on propaganda to convince us that our economy was working better than it actually was! And to make us think jobs were being created, when in fact they were not! Now, I wonder what else we’ll find between the sofa cushions…

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22. Ted Fucking Cruz. See, I told you he was a weenie.

23. Buford Fucking Rogers. Sorry, Bucky, but if there’s a war going on, you just lost. How’s it feel to be a failed domestic terrorist? (And a spelling-impaired one, at that?)

24. Sylvia Fucking Browne. Sorry, Syl, but you are NO psychic. How’s it feel to be wrong, wrong, WRONG? I hope you’re feeling mighty guilty over contributing to the heartache that killed Amanda Berry’s mom. And I hope your books never sell another copy.

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25. Tim Fucking Lambesis. Hiring a hitman to kill your estranged wife? Gee, dude, how Christian of you. Lucky for her the contract killer was a plainclothes cop.

26. Alex Fucking Jones. Satan, like the Illuminati, DOES NOT EXIST. It’s kind of hard to worship nonexistent things…unless you’re a nut like Alex, in which case you eat, sleep and BREATHE nonexistent things.

27. Dick Fucking Cheney. “We were always ready on 9/11.” Is that a bald-faced lie, or an inadvertent admission of BushCo’s responsibility for letting terrorism happen? Either way, it makes BushCo and the Big Dick look really, really fucking shitty. And not, as he was hoping, good in comparison to His Barackness.

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28. Glenn Fucking Beck. Well, Biff, which is it? Are you a journalist, or not? I vote not, because you haven’t the first fucking clue what a journalist is, much less what the hell you’re talking about. Neither are you an entrepreneur, and you’re certainly not a thinker. You’re just a lunatic who managed, through some amazing malign coincidence, to be capable of landing yourself a TV gig. In another era, you’d be locked in a rubber room. Thanks for making me nostalgic for the Bad Old Days, motherfucker.

29. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. So, a law forbidding workplace discrimination on the basis of religion will be “the end of the world for Christian employers”? Let us pray…

30. James Fucking Ebdon. Police brutality? Planting drugs on innocent people? All in a day’s work for Durham Region’s Finest, I see.

31. John Fucking Boehner. Biff is no journalist, and Boner is no economist. Surpriiiise!

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32. Mike Fucking Randolph. True, blacks routinely get executed on the flimsiest of evidence in Mississippi Goddamn. So why should something as trifling as modern forensic science stand in the way of a good ol’-fashioned lynching? Is someone trying to drag that state kicking and screaming into the 20th century, or something?

33. Donald Fucking Trump. No, the presence of women in the military is NOT what causes rape. What does, is the macho warrior culture that gives guys a licence to do it and get away with it, because rape is often a sanctioned weapon of war. But hey, what did we expect of Da Donald…there is nothing under that hairpiece but a steaming load of dogshit.

34. Barbara Fucking Hewson. Yes, let’s lower the age of consent to 13 and give the poor persecuted dirty old men a licence to rape. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, I dunno…ask anyone who was ever sexually abused at that age, and never the same since. WTF, Red Scare BITCH?

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35. Geoffrey Fucking Dear. Allowing same-sex marriage in Britain will provoke a backlash? Only among bigots, Dear. Here in Canada, on the other hand, the only outcome has been tolerance, tolerance and more tolerance. And a lot of happy gay couples. Oh, and a few irrelevant, ineffectual whinings from Charles Fucking McVety and his institute for un-Canadian values. And that’s about it.

36. Nigel Fucking Farage. Maggie Fucking Thatcher was “open-minded”? To gays??? Um, NO. Any change of British heart since her time has happened in spite of her, not because of her.

37. Brian Fucking Fischer. What’s this about “gay impulses”? Well, that explains everything. Once more, a professional homophobe outs himself as a screaming closet case. This is getting to be downright boring.

38. Mike Fucking Jeffries. If ever you need proof that the corporate sector should NEVER be trusted to run the world, just remember this guy. He literally wants to relive his high school glory days (that’s when he peaked, poor thing), and force the rest of us to relive our years of hell, by making clothes that only the thinnest of the popular girls can wear. Meanwhile, guys do get a couple of larger sizes, but they’re aimed at burly jocks, not fat boys. Well, you know what? I hate his fucking guts, and I say this as one who was very slim (but still not popular) in high school.

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Plus, he looks really fucking tacky. But I guess having been one of the “cool kids” in high school means never having to learn how to dress well.

39. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Finally, Ms. Maglalang lets her mask slip, and a little bit of truth leaks out from behind. She admits that she’s an old, rich, white guy who eats Chick-fil-HATE. Now, if she would only admit that her husband (who fits the profile, natch) ghostwrites her columns, we’d be getting somewhere…

40. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Benghazi is still a non-story, after all the right-wing efforts to MAKE it a story. So, what about Lori Klausutis? That’s still a story, after all the effort gone into making it a non-story.

41. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Condescending to Stephen Hawking just because he joined the academic boycott of Israel? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Bibi, honey, go study some diplomacy. You’re not good enough to push his wheelchair.

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42. Alex Fucking Jones. Oh, crazydude. He totally fell for an Onion spoof! So far off the deep end, I would wonder who he’s fronting for. Except I already know…it’s the ultimate conspiracy of all time, and its name is CAPITALISM. (And he’s doin’ it wrong.)

43. Jeffry Fucking Mathis. So, he sexually assaulted a student in a quid-pro-quo offer of better grades (for sex, natch). He even admitted as much, when he wasn’t making the age-old “it was consensual” bullshit excuse. Or the age-old “SHE was the aggressor” bullshit excuse. And he wasn’t punished. And he’s still allowed to keep his job? Yeah, tell me all about how having a penis doesn’t come with an awful lot of perks.

44. Jack Fucking Burkman. 9-11! Benghazi! Benghazi! 9-11! Benghazi is 9-11! No, Benghazi is worse, because it happened on that black dude’s watch! It’s all that black dude’s fault!!!!

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45. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Oh look, another Hawking-hater for Israel. And he’s projecting! Isn’t that just so cute?

46. Jacques Fucking Nazaire. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks. And lawyers who chase the ambulance known as Internet porn have no business slandering California judges over same-sex marriage. But gee, how strangely appropriate that one who profiteers off porn would be a professional homophobe, at least when convenient. And a wanker all the time.

47. Peggy Fucking Scott. Oh, boo fucking hoo hoo hoo! Her “heart breaks” because same-sex couples will soon be able to marry in Minnesota? That’s funny, I was under the distinct impression that people who act the way she does don’t have any hearts.

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48. Yoon Fucking Chang-jung. Jesus H., what is it with all these middle-aged right-wing crapaganda guys who grope women and generally make embarrassing boozy asses of themselves? You’d almost swear it all had something to do with conservatism, male privilege, and institutionalized patriarchy, eh?

49. Conrad Fucking Black. Yeah, I’m so shocked that Lord Blah-Blah would defend Tom Fucking Flanagan and his creepy kiddie-porn predilections. After all, these old conservative guys do love their power-hungry circle jerks…

50. Doug Fucking Ford. So, I guess bike-riding pinkos have no right to smell clean, then? Or is this some kind of homophobic aspersion on their manhood? Hey Dougie, women ride bikes too. And no, we don’t grope each other in the showers. That’s what closeted “straight” men do.

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And finally, to all the hateful haters out there, hating on Stephen Hawking for daring to speak his mind on Israeli apartheid. You know that old saying, “The higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his ass”? Applies to you. You are monkeys, and your asses are hanging out for the world to see. Shove a banana up your bums, for all I care. The truth is so blindingly obvious that it shouldn’t take an Einstein-level genius like Hawking to see it. And neither should it be a crime to say as much. And above all: You’re picking on a man in a wheelchair who needs a computer to help him speak? Didn’t your mothers teach you any compassion? Have you no fucking shame? Well, I do…and I’m ashamed that I have to share a planet with you fucking fascist freaks.

Good night, and get fucked!

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