Wankers of the Week: Committing Sociology

Crappy weekend, everyone! Batten down the hatches, we’re about to get another fifty-wank blower here. This week, we’re committing sociology…or in the case of our lovely listees, stoopidology. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Pierre Fucking Poilievre. Terrorists cause terrorism! Gosh, who knew? Well, Captain Obvious. Duh, that’s who. With deep thinkers like this in his camp, it’s no wonder Harpo has a growing reputation as the Dubya of the north. PS: And more Deep Thought. Hey Pierre, you and your gummint aren’t working for “union bosses”, as you claim — you’re supposed to be working for the PEOPLE (and not just “the taxpayers”, either). Instead, you’re working for the fucking corporations. Why don’t you all just fucking quit and start drawing those corporate paycheques legitimately, already?

2. Sarah Fucking Palin. Speaking of Dubya’s intellectual (!) heirs, the Snowbilly Grifter has had a busy week of wankin’, starting with her equating Planned Parenthood with a back-alley butcher. No, Sawah, PP is actually what’s keeping women from ending up in the hands of unscrupulous types like Kermit Fucking Gosnell. And then there’s her bitter snipe at not being invited to the so-called Nerd Prom, which was crashed by Tawd and Bristol. How desperate for attention she must be, to scrape THAT barrel. And hey! How about those teabaggers who want a half-term senator?

3. Matt Fucking Yglesias. If you want to know just how morally bankrupt neoliberal economics really is, just visit a Bangladeshi garment factory. And if you want to know how mentally bankrupt its apologists are, just read this guy. “Foreign factories should be more dangerous”, he says. Right, because then at least it’s not white people being crushed to death under badly constructed sweatshop buildings, eh?

4. Gene Fucking Simmons. Why?

That’s why. How about acknowledging that PALESTINE exists? And there is nothing holy about Israel, either. Just ask a fellow American…Emily Henochowicz.

5. Chris Fucking Broussard. Being homophobic is the REAL “open rebellion to God.” Who do you think MAKES people gay, you stupid motherfucker? PS: Stop setting off my fucking gaydar. PPS: Ha, ha.

6. Gail Fucking Horalek. A diary description of one’s vulva is NOT pornographic. It’s just an unusually frank (ha! see what I did there?) expression of something all girls do: namely, check themselves out in private.

7. Greg Fucking Laurie. “Sinophobic” means “fearful of Chinese people”, you homophobic fucking imbecile. And if there’s one thing for sane, intelligent people to do on the “National Day of Prayer”, it’s pray that you either see the light or go to hell. PS: Stop setting off my fucking gaydar.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look, the Pigman is projecting AGAIN! This time, it’s to assert that all liberals are mass murderers. Because they’re not professional homophobes like him. Oh yeah, and they’re all “jihadis”, too. Yawn, yawn, yawwwwwwn.

9. Don Fucking Cherry. I’ll give Ol’ Sour Grapes half a point: Nobody really needs locker-room “journalism”. Everybody knows that pro athletes have nothing of worth to say when they’re standing around in their old stinky jockstraps, waiting to shower; they’re inarticulate at the best of times anyway. Best thing to do is just drop that crap from the newscast altogether. But to single out female sports reporters, for being women in what’s erroneously presumed to be a man’s world? Yup, that’s a fuckin’ wank.

10. Stephen Fucking Harper. Well, finally he admits that he is in fact a Toronto elitist. Probably came to that decision after realizing how stupid he looked playing Cowboys ‘n’ Injuns at his age. Or maybe how stupid he looked supporting the Mordorization of Alberta. But it won’t do much good…his family still supported the LOSING design for our national flag. Which may explain why he’s still trying to paint Canada blue after all this time.

11. Jason Fucking Kenney. Wow, there really isn’t much to distinguish between him and a Bangladeshi sweatshop owner, is there? Talk about victim-blaming. Also, stoopid economics are stooooopid.

12. Mark Fucking Sanford. Yeah, “she went there”. Because your “hiking the Appalachian trail” does put your ability to govern in a mature, effective manner, and be present for your constituents, into serious question. In other words: Nobody wants a governor who’s gonna just fuck off to Argentina whenever the whim takes him. Especially if he’s going there to, well, fuck. People like to know that the person they elect is gonna stick around, not follow his dick around.

13. Ben Fucking Shapiro. Yeah, the standard in “heroes” has gone down. As has the standard in “columnists”; see, for example, yourself.

14. Tom Fucking Friedman. “What kind of sick madness is this?” Oh, cram your incurious anti-intellectual twaddle sideways up the orifice you pulled it from. First: The cause of the Boston Marathon bombing hasn’t even been fully investigated, much less have its perps been brought to trial, and already you’re jumping to conclusions, which sound suspiciously like they’re aimed at derailing a debate before it even begins. Second: It’s the fucking imperialism, you stupid, stupid fuck. In other words, it has nothing to do with being a Muslim at all. Get your fucking army out of every country it’s in, and then you won’t see any more “terrorist” pushback. Much less the kind you go to such deliberately obtuse lengths to not-understand.

15. Jan Fucking Brewer. Won’t somebody think of the poor, oppwessed widdle guns? Awww, dat’s so sweet of you, Jan. Now how about not oppressing PEOPLE?

16. Tim Fucking Melton. Nice of you to cover Michelle Fucking Rhee’s education-deforming ass with meaningless statements. But since you haven’t actually made amends to the Tennessee students your award for bad legislation has hurt, you get a great big goose-egg on your report card.

17. Anya Fucking Bargh. Ever wonder what Ann Coulter was like when SHE went to law school? Clicky the linky, and be warned: it ain’t pretty.

18. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Speaking of not-pretty, as well as not-smart, Me-me-ME-gyn has piped up with the keen observation that bigots could be offended if you denounce their bigotry against Muslims. Thanks for that lovely public service message, dear.

19. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. Speaking of bigotry against Muslims, this is it. Study it well, kiddies. And whatever you do, don’t be a two-faced fucking hypocrite like Taliban Dana.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. And in other bigoted news, Patwa thinks there’s nothing wrong with calling gay people “abominations”. Because there’s nothing abominable about him for wishing Chavecito dead, and a myriad other very real sins, nosirree.

21. Bryan Fucking Fischer. He knows nothing about genetics, much less prenatal development. Yet he somehow “knows” that someone chose to be gay, simply because his twin brother isn’t? Wow. Let’s all throw out our science textbooks and start taking the bible literally, because that totally, like, convinces ME, man. PS: Thanks for sharing with us your gay locker-room sexual fantasy, old man. Not that you really needed to.

22. Mitt Fucking Romney. Oh joy, Mittens has piped up again…only long enough, mind you, to wank on about how people need to get married early, and have lots of kids. With more than 7 billion people in the world, most of whom are not nearly as rich and complacent as Mittens, I just can’t bring myself to see any flaws in that logic. Can you?

23. Tim Fucking Tebow. Why?

That’s why. He’s all washed up, and he’s awfully butthurt about it. Well, that and he keeps setting off my gaydar, and he can’t do anything about that, either. See where all that pharisaical public genuflection gets you? #justsaying

24. Ted Fucking Nugent. No, you shitty draft dodger, vets aren’t committing suicide over some imaginary violation of the constitution on the part of Barack Obama. Nobody kills themselves out of simple disgust for a mere politician. They’re committing suicide because of the trauma of the wars that Dubya threw them into, and because right-wing politicians and useless idiots such as yourself refuse to support the troops once they demobilize and return home. That’s why, you fucking cowardly scumbag.

25. Benny Fucking Hinn. What, isn’t Jesus listening anymore…and raining down money on Benny’s oily little head? What a surprise. Guess that prosperity gospel is just a bunch of bullshit, then.

26. Buster Fucking Wilson. Yeah, congrats, you’re all of a sudden, just like that, a hatemonger. Actually, that’s not true; you always have been, and you’ve just now been served notice of the fact. Now fuck off and never be heard from again.

27. John Fucking McCain. Coming from a country that’s actually fomented “radical Islamic extremism” (remember those cuddly Afghan mujahideen? I do, I do!) it’s kind of fucking stupid of him to talk of banning immigrants from those parts. How about banning the CIA instead?

28 and 29. Tony Fucking Clement and Jim Fucking Flaherty. B’kawwwwwwwwww! Buk buk bk bk bk. That is all.

30. Charles Fucking Van Zant. Y’know, it’s actually kind of refreshing to see the Repug position on race and gender issues articulated so clearly. And by “articulated”, I mean spewed, and by “position”, I mean BIGOTRY.

31. Meir Fucking Weinstein. Pamela Fucking Geller is the driving force behind Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik, and yet she’s somehow NOT a terrorist, while Muslims are? Dude, get glasses. Have you read her fucking blog? A simple word-substitution game would be enough to prove that she’s indistinguishable from Nazis, and very fucking stupid Nazis, at that. Any rabbi who’d host a talk by her may as well be shaking hands with Josef Goebbels. Or his crazy idiot cousin.

32. Michelle Fucking Malkin. I don’t suppose she’s aware of the irony inherent in her accusing anyone else of spreading misinformation. And that, folks, is why she’s a fucking wanker.

33. Ray Fucking Kelly. Memorize this new word, kiddies: “Understopped”. That’s what New York’s top cop thinks black men are. Never mind that every single one of them in New York City has been stopped and frisked, whether he needed to be or not. If that’s “understopped”, one shudders to think what “overstopped” must mean.

34. Rob Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, in Toronto, being the mayor apparently puts you above the law, and entitles you to use your own radio show, quite literally, as a bully pulpit to go after political opponents who, it goes without saying, don’t have their own show and can’t afford it, either. Ah, it’s good to be the fucking king.

35. Ed Fucking Dahlberg. Surprise! Muslims went to war in Iraq…on the US side. And one of them is the guy whose jaw got in the way of your ignorant fucking fist. Feel stupid yet? You should. Because you fucking ARE.

36. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. Don’t go telling leftists you oppose them “in the name of Christ”. Jesus wants nothing to do with your racist Nazi shit. And speaking of shit, claiming to stand up for the “blue-collar working class” against communism? That’s hilarious, considering that communism is all about the working class standing up and overthrowing ruling-class fascists…like YOU.

37. Penny Fucking Nance. Nice historical revisionism you got goin’ on there, lady. Actually, the Holocaust was not a product of enlightenment OR reason, but of superstition…and oh yeah, CHRISTIANITY.

38. Barry Fucking West. How be you stop “winking at Muslims” and start doing your fucking job, you wanker? Part of your job, as I understand it, is ensuring that all local citizens, including Muslims, feel safe. It’s kind of hard to do that when an asshole in a cowboy hat is aiming a double-barreled shotgun at you.

39. Jeffrey Dale Fucking Williams. Jesus wants eye candy! Oh wait, no, he doesn’t. That’s just the preacher-man, trying to molest a young parishioner. Jesus wouldn’t ask anyone to do any such thing.

40. Glenn Fucking Beck. Humanity is becoming an “affront to God”? No, that’s just you, you fucking freak.

41. Alex Fucking Jones. Transgender people are “vomiting and crapping all over the place”? No, that’s just you, you fucking freak.

42. Jim Fucking Porter. Anyone who uses the term “War of Northern Aggression” doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously, much less permitted to own a gun…and even less to be president of the Fucking NRA. When “gun rights” are more important than HUMAN rights (and you know they are, to anyone who uses that racist dog-whistle to refer to the Civil War), you just know you’re dealing with a loon. Having him at the helm of an organization is unlikely to inspire confidence in said organization…except, of course, from the usual old fat racist white loons.

43. Matt Fucking Lewis. Why do gun nuts who write for Fucker Carlson’s effete little vanity website think a certain slang term for ladybits (or kittycats) is an acceptable way of saying “weakling”, “wimp” or “coward”? And, more to the point: Why don’t they spell the word out WITHOUT resorting to asterisks? I guess what I’m trying to say here is…you chicken, bro?

44. Kelly Fucking Ayotte. She voted against equal pay for women because “we have enough laws”? Well. Come next election, she’s gonna find herself voted out of work, because the US senate has more than enough asshats. PS: And yes, this is proof of asshattery, too.

45. Lamar Fucking Smith. And speaking of asshats in US politics, how about this congresscritter? Apparently, science isn’t enough to make a scientific paper publishable. Nope, now it’s got to be politically kosher, too. Congratulations, Trofim Lysenko, you’re hereby vindicated — by a crapitalist!

46. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Awww. FUX Snooze Concern Troll is CONCERNED! Tell ya what, honey: You keep your puny little mind out of the Obama girls’ panties, and the rest of the civilized world will ignore the idiot that’s walking around in yours.

47. Brad Fucking Blakeman. And speaking of FUX Snooze and concern trolls, here’s another predictable salvo in the War on Women: Birth control causes statutory rape! This, of course, begs the question: Whatever did statutory rapists do BEFORE birth control was invented? Oh yeah: THEY GOT GIRLS PREGNANT AND THEN FUCKED OFF.

48. Stella Fucking Tremblay. She wonders if a guy who lost both legs in the Boston Marathon bombing was hurt? I wonder if she is blind. I don’t, however, wonder if she is sane or intelligent, because it’s already apparent that she is not. Her conspiracy theorizing is so stupid as to be downright offensive.

49. Niall Fucking Ferguson. Oh noes, John Maynard Keynes was GAY! Gay-gay-gaiety-gay-GAY! That means no one can take his (well proven) theories of economics seriously. Oh wait…an effete imperialist twit with wonky (read: HOMOPHOBIC; read: SO GAY) ideas about family and economics said that. Never mind! PS: What’s this? An apology? Huh.

50. Adam Fucking Carolla. Maybe Big Brother doesn’t care about YOUR cellphone calls, because you’re an unfunny, uninteresting, politically clueless hack. But I’m pretty sure he’d be interested in my internet activities…or those of anyone else who’s not a criminal or a terrorist, but also not interested in being a good little capitalist conformist for the rest of their lives. Maybe, if YOU were under surveillance, and all your masturbatory habits made it into an FBI file, you’d start to feel different about all that porn on your phone. Or, better still, about the government snooping and spying on everyone in the name of catching a few so-called “terrorists”.

And finally, to the Fucking NRA. You can’t very well be accused of having your priorities straight, if you support arming kids with child-sized (but still deadly!) rifles rather than comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education and the morning-after Pill. And if your line-up of speakers is anything to go by, you CAN be accused of supporting Teh Hardcore Stoopid.

Goodnight, and get fucked!