Wankers of the Week: Earthquakes, umbrellas, and crackpipes, oh my!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Or should I say CRACKy weekend? Heh, no. I’m just glad to be getting through it in one piece after that earthquake that I never even felt. Should I panic? Nah…I’m too busy ducking and covering against all the flying wank. And here’s who jerked it this week, in no particular order:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Not content to wish his wife a happy Mother’s Day in private, Little Stevie Peevie decided to go all out…and send a spam e-mail to every address he could find, asking them to do it for him. Awww. Isn’t that just so special? Instead of doing more for Canadian mothers, Little Stevie decided that Canadians — mothers or not — had to do more for him. I’m touched. Really. (Well, no. Not really. And no, Stevie, you didn’t reach me, nor will you ever get my e-mail or home address. Now piss off.)

2. Ben Fucking Shapiro. And speaking of women existing only to serve men, what is up with him? He takes issue with Maxim’s “Hot 100”? Well, so do I. But then, I take issue with that stupidly subjective list for existing at all. He takes issue with it because it lists women over 40 (horrors!), Democrats (double horrors!) and Miley Cyrus (oh, the unspeakable horror of it!). Meanwhile, his idea of hot is…what, exactly? I don’t know, but I suspect it has ghastly helmet hair and most of its “beauty” can be removed with the flick of an industrial-strength baby wipe. (The remainder is plastic surgery.)

3. William Fucking Bigelow. Again with the dumb old “Hitler was gay” canard. No, you’re thinking of Ernst Röhm, who was executed for it (well, that, and bidding fair to depose the Führer in an intra-party popularity contest.) Hitler was an incestuous girl-molester. Get it right!

4. Dick Fucking Cheney. Benghazi is “worse”. Than what, the Big Dick’s hemorrhoids? No, sorry, it’s not even as bad as that.

5. Linda Fucking Harvey. I honestly had no idea that Teh Ghey could be bought and sold, much less via blogs. How much is it going for these days? (The reason I ask is because the militant heterosexualists are starting to bug me.)

6. Pat Fucking Buchanan. The South shall rise again! Well, at least the Southern Strategy has…like a decrepit zombified corpse from an unmarked grave. Now, where did I put my sharpened stake?

7. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Well, now that Minnesota has voted to legalize same-sex marriage, it was inevitable that she should squawk up. And advocate Christianist jihad. This while also dissing the Muslims. Obviously, her Wheaties are fortified with a lot of irony.

8 and 9. Samy and Amy Fucking Bouzaglo. You know you have a shitty restaurant/bakery when you get dumped by Gordon Ramsay, who is not a dickweed but an entire fucking thicket thereof. And when, challenged on your theft, hatemongering, and repackaging of cakes bought elsewhere, you act like a monkey, showing his ass more and more the higher he climbs. Amid all that Internet flaming, who’s got time to run a respectable joint? PS: Oh myyyy.

10. Toru Fucking Hashimoto. “Comfort women” were “necessary”? Um, dude, you just said that sex slaves who were raped to death…HAD to be. No, they did NOT. This was a war crime. This was brutality. This was slavery. This was BULLSHIT! As my best friend says, I hope this fascist goes to jail…and has to “serve” his fellow prisoners the way those women had to do with soldiers. TO THE DEATH, MOTHERFUCKER. PS: There are also those who said Hiroshima was “necessary”. Some of them are relatives of those so-called “comfort women” who died at the hands of their rapists.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. So, everyone should get off the gravy train…except Robbo. Of course. Frod Nation isn’t Toronto, it’s a bunch of friggin’ suckers. PS: What the fuck is this? I can’t even. PPS: OMG. Robbo’s apparently a crackhead. Now it all makes sense! PPPS: And the Star has all the deets. Oh myyyyy.

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. So, he thinks undocumented immigrants should be treated like indentured servants? That’s very generous of him, considering that most of their employers already treat them like SLAVES.

13. Samuel Fucking Yoon. Yet another preacher, nabbed for trying to buy a teenage girl. Funny how so many holy rollers like ’em underage. What is this, a Mary Magdalene complex?

14. Matt Fucking Barber. And speaking of holy rollers and their holy shit, how about him? He thinks “leftist” sex education is to blame for antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. Actually, it’s the LACK of it…and that lack can be directly traced to the Christian conservative holy rollers and their holy fucking hypocrisy. Because of their “abstinence only” crapola, kids don’t get accurate information on what STDs are and how to prevent them…much less access to the condoms and microbicides that would do just that. PS: Ugh. Also, do I smell a whiff of the closet on you, Matty?

15. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. Oh, so now he won’t pay back what he stole from the public purse? Very well, public hearings it must be, then. And I hope they are as humiliating as possible.

16. Mike Fucking Duffy. And while we’re on the subject of senators who steal, how about Puffy? Looks like he’s been sent scurrying out the back door yet again, in a manner of speaking. And he’s had some help from Harpo’s chief of staff, who courteously held the door so Puffy could hustle his corpulent ass as fast as it would go. PS: Oh my, Puffy sure isn’t shy of throwing his considerable weight around anywhere, is he?

17. Dan Fucking Hall. Y’know, Dan-o, same-sex marriage wouldn’t be divisive if you stupid fucking right-wingers would only stop trying to use the issue to drive wedges between people. Just sayin’.

18. Lindsey Fucking Graham. See #17, and add that immigration wouldn’t be an issue either, if only stupid fucking right-wingers would stop using it as a…well, you know.

19. Ken Fucking Hutcherson. Once more into the breach…of Teh Stoopid. If homosexuality has really “destroyed every civilization it has touched”, then why does humanity still exist here on Earth? Because unless you live alone on a very deserted island, you’re going to be in contact with Teh Ghey somehow, somewhere…whether you realize it or not.

20. James Fucking Dobson. Feminism is over? Women want to be housewives again? Hardly. It’s still very much on, and a few upper-class ladies who lunch (and who stay at home because they can afford to, and make their own pickles for the novelty value of it) are no representatives of anything…except, of course, in the fever swamp of the Religious Reich’s ever fertile imagination.

21. Pat Fucking Robertson. Dear Abby and Ann Landers (and, more recently, Dr. Joyce Brothers) must be rolling in their graves; Patwa is the worst fucking advice columnist EVER. And a walking anti-marriage advertisement if ever there was one.

22. Richard P. Fucking Sheridan. Because you’re a homophobic “cunt, bitch, coward”. (And a huge fucking projectionist, obviously.) I’m shocked that you got all of 28 votes; with your attitude, it should have been none.

23. Pam Fucking Regentin. Oh joy, another baker who refuses to cater a same-sex wedding. Why is it so hard to just sell a fucking cake, dammit? Are you afraid they’ll get lesbian cooties all over it? Well, Teh Ghey might not be contagious, but word about how much you suck sure is…

24. Lai Fucking Tung-kwok. Once more, with feeling: Women drinking do not cause rape. Guys raping cause rape. Got that?

25. Mike Fucking Adams. No, Angelina Jolie is not inspiring women to “maim themselves by celebrating medically perverted double mastectomies”. You ignorant fucking jackass, she got that done because she carries a mutated gene that makes it close to 90% certain that she will get breast cancer, and 50% certain that she will get ovarian cancer. (She’s also getting her ovaries out, BTW. Which is exactly what REAL cancer specialists recommend under these circumstances.) I don’t care how sad that makes your shrivelled little penis, because it’s never going to come within spitting distance of her, anyhow. She’s doing it to improve her odds of not dying of cancer. And fancy you prattling on about “quackery”, as if you weren’t a flaming practitioner thereof. What’s your excuse for writing loony (and really freakin’ anti-choice) columns for a shitty antiscience conspiracy site masquerading as a “natural health” news site, huh? Newsflash: Your fucking CD will NOT save anyone’s breasts from “systemic” cancer, whatever the fuck THAT is. I hate to think how many people are going to die because they trusted a fucking charlatan like you instead of getting appropriate prophylactic treatment in time.

26. Barry Fucking Logan. How sweetly ironic is it that an ambulance-chaser going after “illegal” downloaders is himself guilty of using stock photos he didn’t bother to buy? Yeah, Barry, tell us again about how “entitled” we all are. If you can do it over the loud, derisive laughter, that is.

27. Jon Fucking Lundberg. Hell hath no fury like a speeding state senator caught on a traffic cam. Or one who, instead of paying his ticket and learning his lesson in good grace, decides to throw rocks at said traffic cam, metaphorically speaking.

28. Kevin Fucking Williamson. How NOT to lead by example: Demonstrate your impeccable public cellphone etiquette by grabbing someone else’s out of her hand and throwing it. In a crowded theatre, no less. Oh, and then write yourself up in the National Review as a model of public cellphone etiquette, complete with artificially sophisticated phraseology, to cover your ass — and the fact that you’re just another fucking right-wing asshat with far worse manners than the woman whose phone you so thoughtfully decided to fling. PS: Enjoy your criminal charges…ASSHAT.

29. Cedric Fucking Cuthbert. If ever you’ve had nightmares involving men of the cloth — or Disneyworld — guess what? They’re true, and he’s the star. Congrats, Cedric, you pedophilic pervypants, you.

30. Trey Fucking Radel. Maybe it’s just as well that most of his old-school hip-hop heroes are dead. Because if they were alive, they’d probably want to kick the shit out of him, and maybe pop a cap in his ass, for the right-wingnutty way he chooses to interpret their raps.

31. Glenn Fucking Beck. Can anyone make hide or hair of his shit anymore? Because I can’t. I just read that sentence three times and it still staunchly refuses to make any fucking sense at all. Since when does the KKK lynch white people? Has it ever? Because if it has, I have no fucking idea who, or why. And wouldn’t we have heard of that, if it happened…seeing as anything terrible that happens to white people is always news?

32. Kevin Fucking Cramer. Abortion causes school shootings. Yeah, and your hemorrhoids cause pineapples, dillweed.

33. Steve Fucking Roberts. No, the N-word hasn’t been outlawed anywhere. And neither is it “politically incorrect” to use it. It’s just racist and rude, same as ever…ya dumb fuckin’ honky.

34. Mitt Fucking Romney. Would it surprise you terribly to learn that Mittens hasn’t paid any taxes — none, nada, zippo, zilch, bupkus — in at least ten years? Oh good. Me neither!

35. Darin Fucking Haas. Would it surprise you terribly to learn that the US military is awfully fond of putting coyotes in charge of the henhouse where sexual assault, harassment, etc., are concerned? Oh good. Me neither!

36. Jorge Fucking Bergoglio. “Money has to serve, not to rule!” That’s nice, Yer Holiness. So, when are you going to dismantle the Vatican Bank?

37. Mark Fucking Krikorian. I just love it when fascists eat their own. I love it even more when they do it because some of their own are immigrants.

38. Nigel Fucking Farage. Fancy HIM calling anyone else a “fascist scum”. I guess his irony meter is kaputt.

39. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

That’s why. Say one thing, do the other. Just another day in the life of Quitbull.

40. Pete Fucking Santilli. I’m no fan of Hillary Rodham Clinton (or anyone else in the State Dept.), but you know what I want to do to this fucking shock jock? I want to shoot him right in the (microscopic) cock, and for him not to die right away…just lie there bleeding and feeling the pain. All the fucking pain. And look him in the eyes, and laugh, and say, “On behalf of all sane people, here’s a taste of your own crazy medicine, you motherfucker.”

41. John Fucking Roach, Jr. Three words, Yeronner: FREEDOM OF ASSOCIATION. Nobody should have to care whether some right-wing nutjob in robes approves of their “lifestyle”.

42. J. Peter Fucking Zegarra. Actually, we have gag reflexes for a reason. It’s to keep us from choking to death on some dude’s fucking cock! Jayzus, how could a doctor not understand that?

43. Marc Fucking Patrone. So, a former commissioner of the CRTC…has quit to join “must carry” FUX Snooze North? Why no, that’s not conflict of interest at all (she said, dripping snark all down her cleavage…)

44. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Badadump, bump, bump…another one bites the dust. And another one’s gone, and another one’s gone, another one bites the dust…oops, sorry. Funny how Harpo keeps putting all these toadies and spongers in his caucus. You’d think he was awfully fond of sycophantic yea-sayers, wouldn’t you?

45. Trent Fucking Franks. Well, that was predictable. Yet another push for a late-term abortion ban (and yet another stupid fetal-pain canard), instead of making birth control more available, affordable, and accessible. And instead of recognizing that abortions are gonna happen, like it or not, and that they should therefore also be more available, affordable, and accessible…preferably as early as possible. And isn’t it funny how we never hear the connection between late-term abortion and abstinence-only sex education? Because it’s there…but you’d never know it to hear all these ignorant right-wing males tell it.

46. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Yup, ol’ Bunga-Bunga is back in the news. And this time, we find out that one of his hired strippers wore an Obama mask. I’m not sure what to make of this, and I don’t know what His Barackness would make of it, either. Say, is that a whiff of mothballs I smell? Did someone leave a closet door ajar…?

47. M. Joseph Fucking Sheppard. Honestly, I never knew an umbrella was anything but a means to keep the rain off oneself. It turns out that ALL presidents get an aide to hold an umbrella for them from time to time, but since some black dude did it recently, suddenly it’s a “humiliation” to the US Marine Corps. Go figger.

48. Stacey Fucking Campfield. Sex education is for the “far left”? Even at a university that’s the 16th most LGBT-unfriendly in the US? Wow. If ever you needed proof that being conservative is for the stupid, there you go.

49. Gene Fucking Simmons. He thinks Muslim culture is vile? I think his tongue is vile. Especially when you consider what drips off it.

50. Nigel Fucking Wright. Why?

That’s why. $90,000 isn’t exactly some loose change you find between the sofa cushions, unless you’re working for Harpo, the guy who lost $3.1 billion of OUR money. Puffy’s bagman has some ‘splainin’ to do.

And finally, to all the teabaggers and other assorted nutcakes who keep seizing on manufactured scandals. Like Benghazigate (which, inconveniently, was proven to be piffle just this week). Or Umbrellagate, which is also piffle. If you’re gonna criticize Barack Obama about something horrible he’s doing, how about making it something real…like not closing Gitmo? Or like sending drones out after just about everything and everyone? Oh wait, those are the very things Dubya also did. Never mind!

Good night, and get fucked!