Wankers of the Week: Ohhhhhhklahoma!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Except you out there in Oklahoma, who’ve had just about all the crap you folks could be humanly expected to take. Dang, what rotten luck. How I wish it had been these people taking the hit from that tornado instead:

1. Adam Fucking Kokesh. Gandhi with a gun is what…Gundhi? No, nonexistent. One does not bring a loaded gun to a “nonviolent” march in Washington, DC…or anywhere else, for that matter. A loaded gun means that violence is on the agenda, duh. And I bet this dude had a huge hard-on at the prospect of “engaging” the local police. Or the Secret Service, maybe. Well, now he can engage his jail cellmate. Just don’t drop the soap, Adam.

2. Alex Fucking Jones. Black helicopters now come with spray nozzles! Shoot, who needs something perfectly comprehensible like global warming to blame for violent weather (like the Oklahoma tornado, say) when you can just as easily go for convoluted and cuckoo — and not bloody likely?

3. Pat Fucking Robertson. On the other hand, why blame black helicopters with spray nozzles when you can blame Jeebus? Or people not praying to him hard enough. In the buckle of the Bible Belt, of all places. Meanwhile, how much did Patwa pray to “still the storm”? And how much of his televangelically-gotten loot is he planning to contribute, like a proper Christian, to the relief effort?

4. Tom Fucking Coburn. Why?

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That’s why. If he wants to see budget cuts, I suggest starting with his salary…and that of any other senator who opposes federal aid to ANY disaster victim.

5. Rand Fucking Paul. Oh noes, the IRS is targeting teabags! Time to throw some shit into Boston Harbor. Like, oh, say, HIM. PS: Like I said…toss this tosser.

6. Peggy Fucking Noonan. See above, and add dog whistles, audible only to senile Reaganite trash.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. It’s snowing in Alaska! Yes, and the wind is blowing between her ears. Either way, how does that prove global warming to be a myth? Uh…it doesn’t.

8. Stephen Fucking Fincher. If those who don’t work shouldn’t eat, then back away from the table, bible-boy. Because what the hell have you done for your constituents lately? Or their kids? (Spewing bullshit doesn’t count.)

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9. Wolf Fucking Blitzer. No, not everybody in Oklahoma believes in God. Of course, that’s why #3 thinks the tornado hit there. How about praying for BRAINS?

10. Larry Fucking Pratt. What do guns have to do with immigration reform? Hell if I know. But apparently he thinks immigrants are coming to take away white racists’ guns. Oh, if only they would…

11. Michael Fucking Kinsley. Homophobes are on the wrong side of history, and have been for as long as homophobia has been a thing (and that’s pretty damn long!). So why should we pamper their delusions until the poor widdle dears finally come around to the right side? They have their heels dug in, they’re getting more violent (not less!), and they’re willing to kill for the sake of their stupidity. We don’t owe them an ounce of “compassion” or “understanding”, because they certainly have none for those they hate. So yeah, Mike, I guess what I’m trying to say here is, FUCK THEIR DELICATE SENSIBILITIES. And fuck you, too, for trying to protect a bunch of despicable, cowardly bullies.

12. François Fucking Ozon. Women fantasize about being prostitutes, and being “used” as sex objects? Um, non. Maybe men fantasize that, but we don’t. For one thing, far too many of us don’t have to; we already know the reality all too well. And Pretty Woman it ain’t. (It ain’t YOUR film, either.)

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13. Barbara Fucking Listing. Yeah, rape is just exactly like a car accident. Except that cars don’t deliberately drive into vaginas, you fucking idiotess.

14. E.W. Fucking Jackson. Being a Christian is no excuse for homophobia, bigotry, hate…or stupidity. And Jesus resents you tacking his name onto all this shit that he never had anything to do with.

15. Robert Clark Fucking Young. Wow, talk about wankery. Not content merely to trash the Wikipedia pages of other authors with whom he was feuding (while simultaneously inflating his own), he also goes after Pagans…and more specifically, Witches. Watch out, dude, before somebody turns you into a turd…oops, too late. Anyway, why be redundant? Anybody who spends so much time and energy wiki-feuding (and so little actually WRITING) is not a piece of shit, he’s a whole stinking manure pile.

16. Mike Fucking Duffy. Oh, of COURSE Puffy did nothing wrong. It’s never a crime when a member of the traditional ruling class does it. When do we peons get all OUR expenses paid, no questions asked, nudge nudge wink wink? PS: Ha, ha.

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17. Stephen Fucking Harper. He says he wasn’t “consulted” about Puffy’s bailout? I call horseshit. Harpo is the king of all control freaks. Nobody lets so much as a fart without his express written permission, much less advance knowledge and prior consultation.

18. Conrad Fucking Black. Lord Blah-Blah has clearly fallen on hard times. He’s now reduced to doing propaganda work for Puffy and Harpo. Very verbose, pompous, and long-winded propaganda, of course. The kind you’d expect from a disgraced right-wing newspaper baron covering the pudgy arses of a disgraced right-wing former journalist and a disgraceful right-wing election stealer.

19. Joe Fucking Francis. No, Guy Gone to Jail, the jurors who convicted you are NOT “retarded”. But you sure as shit are motherfucking stooooopid. As well as violent, sexist and just an all-around sack of shit.

20. Dana Fucking Loesch. Why?

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That’s why. She thinks she’s a wit, and she’s only half right.

21. Riduan Fucking Masmud. “Other men are allowed to marry underage girls” is really a weak argument. Other men have also raped underage girls. Just because “other men” have done it, doesn’t make it right.

22. George Fucking Zimmerman. Victim-blaming: Not just for rapists and sexists anymore. Racists and vigilantes can also use it, apparently…although if the trial judge is smart, this shit will not make it into the legal record.

23 and 24. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are bidding fair to go down together. The one for smoking crack and not coming clean; the other, for trying (unsuccessfully) to cover for him. PS: This isn’t helping either, Robbo. PPS: Oh myyyyyy. Suddenly it all makes sense!

25. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?

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Considering that Justin is surging in the polls while Harpo and the entire SupposiTory party are sinking, due to their ugly US-style attack ads backfiring, well…that’s really not very bright of him to say. But then again, Jason was never very bright to begin with. Conservatives generally aren’t, you know.

26 and 27. David Fucking Tkachuk and Carolyn Fucking Stewart Olsen. Two of them, and they still can’t cover Puffy’s capacious ass. Give it up, you guys, we all know he’s guilty!

28. Henry Fucking Pettigrew. Guns don’t kill people; DJs playing the wrong songs kill people!

29. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yeah, sure, that Okie atheist who pwned Voof Bleetzah was part of some massive conspiracy of “spiritual darkness”! This is right up there for cockamamie with Alex Fucking Jones and his black helicopter spray attachments.

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30. Ted Fucking Cruz. Why yes, there ARE an awful lot of “wacko birds” in the US Senate. And there are an awful lot more wacko birds outside the US Senate, who voted for them in the wackobird belief that these guys were actually (a) smart, and (b) good for something. Case in point: Ted Fucking Cruz.

31. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Finally, he knows who his true fans are: the makers and sellers of counterfeit Viagra! I can’t think of a more fitting sponsor for his Excrements in Broadcasting, can you? And besides, he’s gonna need that shit for his next child-sexploitation tour of the Dominican Republic. Maybe this time, he’ll even work up the ‘nads to get that ‘scrip under his own name.

32. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. Y’know, I’m starting to think there might be something to this theory that Rob Fucking Ford is going to buy the incriminating video of himself smoking crack, and so beat the Gawker Crackstarter. Why else would “Gino-boy” be throwing a $5000-a-table fundraiser to “keep up the good fight” for Robbo’s sake?

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33. Michelle Fucking Malkin. So, the Asian White Supremacist thinks that British progressives brought on the horrific Woolwich butchery attack by being “too politically correct”? Too bad that what the butchers themselves said directly contradicts that; it’s the conservative British government’s fault, and this attack was pointedly aimed at their racist, Bush’s Poodle-era “War on Terra” policies. Maybe Ms. Maglalang would like to exercise a little hearing comprehension before she shoots her unhinged jaw off again with such a jawdropping load of Teh Stoopid.

34. The Fucking Westboro Bastards. Given that they’re from Kansas, it’s only a matter of time before God drops a tornado on them. And I can hardly wait to hear what ol’ Fred says then.

35. Jason T. Fucking Willis. Y’know, Craigslist could save itself a buttload of legal troubles if it just got rid of its much-misused adult personals section. Meanwhile, I sure hope this guy doesn’t drop the soap in the jailhouse showers. Because, y’know, that’s like an in-person Craigslist personal ad saying he’s down for anything.

36. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Why?

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That’s why. “Brainless” about sums him up. And by the sounds of things, he doesn’t have a heartbeat, either.

37. Joachim Fucking Meisner. And speaking of no brains and no heart, get a load of this German cardinal. Sez women should stay home and breed, and keep those pesky immigrants from polluting the nice pure German “race”. Know who else said that?

38. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Yup, him again. Reeking even more of the closet this week, as we learn that he fantasizes about sodomizing Boy Scouts. (Run, kids! RUN!!!)

39. Christine Fucking Lagarde. Fraud? Embezzlement? Pooh, pooh. That’s all in a day’s work for the IMF. Dirty MF. Takes away anything it can get…sorry, channeling Bruce Cockburn again. Happens all the time around here, especially when the IMF is mentioned.

40. Ed Fucking Henry. “Let’s not be a bunch of lemmings for Obama”, says this FUX Snoozer, a denizen of the channel that singlehandedly turned all the media into lemmings for Dubya. Starting with calling it (fraudulently) for the Shrub in Florida in 2000.

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41 and 42. Samy and Amy Fucking Bouzaglo, again. Looks like Samy’s got some ‘splainin’ to do to the feds, and Amy is…well, you know.

43. Paul Fucking Hewson. Yes, that’s right…Bono is a wanker again this week. This time for teaming up with Monsanto to “save” the world. And by “save”, we mean “peddle unwanted genetically modified crap to”. Remember when he was actually a pretty good singer on the right side of history? Pity that was 30 years ago.

44. Roman Fucking Polanski. Awww, isn’t that sweet? The old girl-raping pervert has some quaint ideas about romance which are, as you may have guessed, full of reactionary antifeminist shit. I wasn’t aware that giving women flowers was “indecent” (and it isn’t, unless maybe you’ve hidden a hanky soaked with chloroform in the bouquet). Or that the Pill has ruined everything (by making women sexually autonomous, I guess, is what he means by “masculinizing”.) I guess somebody’s still bitter that he’s wanted by the US for sexually assaulting an underage girl three different ways, but NOT wanted by women of any age (trophy wife notwithstanding). There is no other possible explanation for such a ridiculous fucking tirade.

45. Jeff Fucking Melcher. Purchasing food is a bad behavior? One that shouldn’t be “encouraged”? Gosh, who knew? I suppose he’ll follow this one up with how eating shouldn’t be encouraged, either.

46. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Why?

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That’s why. I do believe that’s called apologism. It’s also a bunch of bullshit.

47. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Once more, witness the irony of an old, old woman who has made an awful lot of money babbling about how gays are trying to take away her right to freedom of speech, while feminism is “the most destructive element in our society”. Meanwhile, not a word of thanks for how feminists won her the right to read, write and vote, not to mention shoot her old fool mouth off utterly unimpeded.

48. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Guilty, guilty, GUILTY. That is all.

49 and 50. Garry Fucking Tanuan and John Fucking Del Grande. Gay-straight alliances “promote a positive view of homosexual activity, which undermines Catholic teaching on chastity and marriage”? Damn straight they do. And what the fuck is wrong with that? Those teachings are fucked up anyway. They deserve to be undermined.

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And finally, to Dominique Fucking Venner. Congratulations, m’sieu, you’re my first posthumous wanker. Killing yourself on the altar of Nôtre Dame because you couldn’t bear the idea of gay people being able to marry whomever they wanted, and be happy in life, instead of celibate and miserable (probably like yourself) with the expectation of going to heaven at the end to make up for it all? Bra-fucking-vo. Only one thing wrong with that: You’re a right-wing Catholic traditionalist who forgot that suicides go straight to hell, per traditional right-wing Catholic belief. Quel fromage! But hey…I still kind of hope your brand of activism catches on, because at least no gays will be the ones getting killed in the name of bigotry. And because I believe in evolution, and far be it from me to deny the unevolved a well-deserved Darwin Award.

Good night, and get fucked!

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1 Response to Wankers of the Week: Ohhhhhhklahoma!

  1. Polaris says:

    The police dispatcher told George Zimmerman to wait in his car and let the police approach and question Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman needlessly created a deadly situation when he ignored the dispatcher’s advice and decided to get out of his vehicle and go after Martin.

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