Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy belated 44th birthday to Wanker #1. Good grief, I can’t believe he’s younger than me; he looks at least 20 years older. Douchebaggery will do that to one, I suppose. It’s very prematurely aging…Oh, you came here for the weekly wankapedia? Very well…here it is, in no particular order…
1 and 2. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are now Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber. They went on the radio to bluster about the evil, wicked media as usual…but too late. And nobody believes them, because the same drug dealer Robbo was photographed with on the night in question was gunned down shortly afterwards. Meaning, this is not just about a buffoonish mayor harmlessly abusing substances during his off hours. And it’s not about a buffoonish mayor’s equally buffoonish older brother being a confirmed former drug dealer, either. It means that both the mayor AND his brother are STILL involved with the drug trade. It probably also means that they never stopped being involved, either — and just happened to have better cover than most drug traffickers, thanks to their respective/collective power and influence at Toronto City Hall. And now, their cover is blown. All the bluster in the world isn’t going to blow that lid back on, guys, so give it the fuck up and step the fuck DOWN. If the media are “maggots”, it’s because you are dead meat. And damn, you are stinking something bloody fucking awful. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Oh dear, that’s not going at all well for you, is it? PPPS: Oh, Dougie…someone just called bullshit on you, too. PPPPS: And suddenly, we learn that there IS a video. Of Robbo. Smoking crack. Surpriiiiiiise!
3 and 4. Pamela Fucking Wallin and Mike Fucking Duffy. What do we want? THEM OUT! When do we want it? NOW! Actually, yesterday…but who’s counting? Certainly not our next wanker, who can never surround himself with enough yes-people…
6. Moses Fucking Znaimer. Conflating the anti-apartheid BDS movement (which has an awful lot of un-self-hating Jews in it) with “Jew bashing” is a new low for an already oily, sleazy character from the underbelly of Canadian TV. But yeah, he went there. Because of course he would. This man knows no bottom, after all.
7. Toru Fucking Hashimoto, AGAIN. How does one say “nice non-apology, dickhead” in Japanese?
8. Ron Fucking Paul. How sweet is it that the UN (which he loves to hate) has trashed his flibbertigibbertarian arse? I know, I know!
9. Ann Fucking Coulter. Nobody voted to “become Mexico”, Coultergeist dear. But a substantial hunk of what used to be Mexico got stolen during a certain war of the mid-1800s, complete with a bunch of little brown people who used to be Mexicans. And who are now what idiots like you call “illegals”. Which is neither a noun, nor a fact; they are just people, and they’ve been here much, MUCH longer than your kind. And they’re at wits’ end to figure out how to get rid of you ignorant colonial carpetbaggers.
10. Frijide Fucking Barjot. Or whatever her real name is. Long story short, this professional homophobe has blood on her hands for her role in the anti-marriage-equality movement in France. It serves her right that she’s now getting threats from her fellow losers. As long as they bash each other and leave the LGBTs alone, it’s all fine with me.
11. Patrick Fucking Colón. Like father, like son? Yuppers. Willie Colón’s sprog is apparently just as scummy as his Chavecito-hating old man. Lucky for him that he’s the son of a famous salsa musician; if he were just another Latino guy, he’d be going to jail for that kiddie porn.
12 and 13. Rick Fucking Perry and Louie Fucking Gohmert. Crotch must be getting itchy in the closet; maybe Gomer would like to help him out? Ewwww, brain, don’t go there. Even if it IS awfully tempting to speculate what kinky shit they probably get up to dressed as Boy Scouts, it’s not at all titillating to visualize.
14. Tom Fucking Coburn. Exactly how fucking “responsible” do victims of a natural disaster have to be? The only fitting response to horseshit like this is to make the crapper live in a trailer park during the height of tornado season, so he can see what Personal Responsibility actually looks like on the ground.
15. Nick Fucking Ross. Before you put your foot in your mouth again, Nick, here’s a little piece of advice that might save you some soggy shoe leather: Men should not get to define what “real” rape is. Because the definition has always gone mysteriously in their favor, if you know what I mean.
16. José Fucking Canseco. And while we’re on the subject of rape culture, let’s just put this douchebag straight as well by making it painfully clear that there is no such thing as a “need” for rape, any more than there is such a thing as a “need” for sex. Not that the two are in any way related, either; the one is about power, and the other is just about sex.
17. Pat Fucking Robertson. Being quoted verbatim is being “misconstrued”? Either Patwa is more senile than we thought, or Cthulhu is preparing a mighty fine cerebral hemorrhage for him.
18. Glenn Fucking Beck. Why is the media trying to label him as a conspiracy theorist? Um, maybe because he IS one — and a particularly loopy one, at that? Just a rough guess.
19. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Batten down the hatches, he’s fantasizing out loud again. And this time, it’s about polygamy with Mormon boy scouts, or some such. Isn’t he violating some kind of broadcast decency standard with that, or something? Jeebus. PS: And no wonder he’s fantasizing. He’s intimidated by independent women. Poor baby! PPS: Ew, ew, EW.
20. Larry Fucking Klayman. Ever since Chavecito went on to immortality, Krazy Larry has been floundering around in search of targets to bash. Finally he’s found one: THE JOOOOOOOS! Hang onto your yarmulkes, folks, the barf is about to fly.
21. Bill Fucking Kintner. He doesn’t understand women. He admits as much. And yet, he wants to legislate what they get to do with their oh-so-mysterious female reproductive plumbing. Figure THAT out.
22 and 23. Beth Fucking Cox and Joi Fucking Wasill. While smarter states (hello, Illinois!) are crossing abstinence-only sex “education” (note the quotes) off their curricula, Tennessee remains as bass-ackward as ever, with the high teen birth rates and STD rates to prove it. And also proving that kids can’t be scared away from having sex, no matter how many glasses of spittle-flecked water get passed around a classroom or how much macho misinformation about the nature of Manhood gets sliced up and tossed around. And of course, the Religious Reich is never far behind. God bless bullshit!
24. Peter Fucking LaBarbera. Another professional homophobe who secretly fantasizes doing it with Boy Scouts. When will all these right-wing perverts be locked up?
25. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. She finally hung it up this week! Not sure if this entry will be the retirement of her “number” or not, but in the meantime, enjoy the Greatest Shit. And remember, she’s dropping out to devote herself to bearding for her gaydar-tripping husband full time!
26. Abdullah Fucking Mohammad Al Fucking Dawood. Why the double Fucking? Because the idea that groping women in public will “keep them chaste” is just doubly fucked up. Especially when you consider that the majority of indecent assaults actually take place in the home, anyway.
27. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Ha fucking ha. How does it feel to be totally discredited?
28. Matt Fucking Trewhella. No, you know what’s really disgusting? Assholes who think “preborn” is a word (it isn’t), that you can be a missionary to fetuses (you can’t), and who think parents should teach their children to hate (they shouldn’t). In short, YOU are what’s disgusting…asshole.
29. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. A racist? NO! I would never have guessed it. After all, she’s such a reactionary on every other level…
30. Adam Fucking Kokesh, again. Thwarted in his efforts to stage a Million Moron March on Washington, DC with loaded guns, he’s now turning his attention to a 50-state treason effort. Kiddies, this is what you get when you wear your tinfoil chapeau too tight…you start to cut off the circulation to your brain. And your reasoning faculties are the first thing to go.
31. Erick Fucking Erickson. Saying that it’s “anti-science” to believe that men should not dominate women, is like saying it’s “anti-science” to believe that whites should not dominate blacks. Do I smell a three-fifths humanity clause here, or do I just smell bullshit, as usual? PS: Oh Erick, go home. You’re drunk.
32. Greg Fucking Walker. Yet another right-wing preacher who’s fantasizing about Boy Scouts. Yikes. Where do all these perverts keep coming from?
33. Julian Fucking Fantino. Government websites used to be so neutral, informative and dull. Now they’re hotbeds of Partisan Conservatard Diatribes-R-Us. And all the backpedalling of the least competent ex-cop ever isn’t going to change THAT.
34. Arthur Fucking Porter. Somehow, it doesn’t surprise me a bit to learn that one of Harpo’s cronies is under arrest for fraud in Panama. Well, except for the arrest part. Most times, the corrupt right-wing government of that country prefers to look the other way, especially when it comes to cronies of OTHER corrupt right-wing governments of the hemisphere. As for the cancer story, that’s a laugh…because if he was really too sick to travel, what was he doing outside the country where he claimed to be receiving treatment for it?
35. Alexander Fucking Baron. Calling on Facebook to enforce its own hate speech policies is NOT “censorship”. And the statistics this assclown cited as “not proving anything”, actually prove feminists’ point damn well. Own goal? Yuppers. Dude, here’s a word of sisterly advice for you: Don’t write any more opinion pieces. You’re crappy at marshalling facts to prove that you are anything but a butthurt sexist loser.
36. John Fucking Hawkins. So, this one-man right-wing arbiter of taste has decided that only white male musicians are worth listening to? Yeah, that totally proves that conservatards aren’t a bit racist or sexist.
37. Nathan Fucking Deal. Talking about sex and doing it are two different things. And kids with little or no sex education are actually doing it more than those who have had the comprehensive good stuff, and who have talked it through with parents, teachers and peers. That’s the dirty little ill-kept secret about abstinence-only: All it ever fosters is ignorance. And ignorance prevents neither pregnancy nor diseases. Nor, as is painfully clear, does it help education researchers who are trying to find out what kids know and what they don’t.
38. Clark Fucking Aposhian. A guy who’s too careless to store his guns so that no one can steal them has no business being allowed to own any. And one as obviously deranged as this one is, also belongs in a rubber room.
39. John Fucking Stossel. Oh sure, no one ever died of starvation before welfare existed! And no one ever went to prison for 20 years just for stealing a loaf of bread, and no one was ever sentenced to hang for stealing five cents…except that yes, all those things and more actually DID happen (and are still happening!). But what am I saying…it’s FUX Snooze! It’s not supposed to be factual or historically accurate, it’s just supposed to conform to a certain odious ideology that makes the non-rich majority feel like failures and shit!
40. Elon Fucking Musk. Actually, humanity has a third option: Not fouling our collective nest on THIS planet, which, when all’s said, is the only one we can truly call our own. But then again, leave it to an entreprenoor to not even consider inventing something which might help to make THAT happen. PS: Oh dear. How embarrassing!
41. David Fucking Barton. How the hell can a cup of coffee be “attacking God”? God is immaterial, so drinking a material beverage can’t do anything to that, one way or the other.
42. Eric Fucking Bolling. Everything women do is all about abortion! And everything right-wing TV hosts do is all about Teh Stoopid.
43. Rodney Fucking Wold. One does not hunt rabbits with an AK-47. One does not threaten to hunt humans with one, either.
44. Tim Fucking Hudak. Oh Timmy, who do you think you’re kidding? We know that the Ontario SupposiTories were all fucking over Doug Fucking Ford just last summer. Don’t tell me you’re gonna throw all that love away in the name of some votes you won’t get anyway, now.
45. John Fucking Baird. For Squealer to accuse Elizabeth May of sexism is not just the pot calling the kettle black, it’s the pot calling the COPPER kettle black. At any rate, what she said was not sexist, but a perfectly legitimate observation. Is it her fault that he took it the wrong way?
46. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. Once more, we are reminded of why he can’t get laid. And why he feels the need to advertise it in any medium that will give his arsy face any column inches or airtime. The only mystery is how he could possibly think that spreading blatant bullshit about abortion is gonna ever make him one of the popular boys.
47. Rex Fucking Tillerson. Why?
Of course, it stands to reason that the CEO of ExxtortionMobil would be an asshole. It’s like none of these guys ever watched Wall Street to the end.
48. Paul Fucking Elam. If it’s any day of the week, it must be the day that A Voice For (Violent, Assholish, Woman-Hating) Men is whipping out its (pathetic, withered, perpetually flaccid) willy and waving it around. That Paulie is a rape apologist should come as a surprise to no one; like #46, he’s totally sexually unappealing. Hating women and justifying violent assaults on them by any (crude, humorless, fucked-up) means possible might go a long way toward explaining that, but let’s face it: He’s also violently fucking STUPID. He will NEVER get it. The only thing he WILL get, sooner or later, is arrested. And I will have on my dancing shoes on the day that THAT happens.
49. Steve Fucking King. Oh lordy, lordy, good Gordie. Again with the “Christian nation” crapdoodle. Stevie, read the Treaty of Tripoli; Article 11 should put that matter definitively to rest. And it may surprise you greatly to know that forgiveness is a universal human value, one that has nothing to do with any single religion.
50. Cathie Fucking Adams. Grover Fucking Norquist is a great many awful things, but really — a “secret Muslim”, just because he has a beard? That’s like saying every fucking redneck out there with a goatee and a do-rag is a secret Talib. And while a lot of them do have beliefs in common with those unsavories, Islam has fuck-all to do with any of it.
And finally, to the so-called “Ford Nation”. How many of you are there really? All of two dozen? All of two, period? I’m really enjoying this shitshow, just so you know. It gives me a chance to laugh at your redneck rube asses. Bet you’re not feeling very gloaty now. (I almost typed “bloaty”, which I’m sure was a very Freudian slip of the fingers, ha ha.) I do, however, feel truly sorry for Toronto proper (NOT Scarborough or Etobicoke), because they didn’t vote for him. No sensible person ever would. And now that six staffers and counting have quit, and he’s reduced to hiring Liberals (!!!), and it’s only a matter of time before that video surfaces on YouTube or WorldStarHipHop, all I really need to do is pop some corn, melt some butter for over top, and sit back with a huge grin on my face. You dumb fuckers got what you voted for, and you deserve every drop of your humiliation.
Good night, and get fucked!