Wankers of the Week: Paula Deen’s Big Gay Plantation Wedding

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s this been for a week of mixed nuts — er, news? We got gays getting married here, blacks getting disenfranchised there. I haz a confusion. But one thing I am NOT confused about, is the wanktacular stupidity, lunacy, cruelty and duplicity of the people who made this week’s list. And here they are, in no particular order…

1. Mike Fucking Ellis. How the hell did I miss this wanker last week? Crazy motherfucker broke a gavel insisting that women be “educated” by way of transvaginal ultrasounds, otherwise known as the re-rape method of abortion prevention. Yeah, dude, your hysterics really convinced me to give up my evil pro-choice ways. Because flipping the fuck out is such a rational way to conduct a debate. Ah well…losers gonna lose. And while you can always pass a bad motion, and get a new gavel, come next election day, you’re gonna find your crazy ass kicked to the curb by disgusted women who vote.

2. Sherwin Fucking Smith. Complaints about water quality are terrorism! Shut up about your crappy water and just drink the shit, or the terrorists win!

3. Ratzon Fucking Arusi. How’s all that gaywashing going, Israel? Kind of hard to keep that up when one of your chief rabbis is an out homophobe who thinks gays are inherently more violent than, say, rabbis who preach homophobia to an apartheid state.

4. Jodie Fucking Laubenberg. Why?

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No one has felt cleaner (or objectively BEEN cleaner) after being swabbed for a rapist’s DNA evidence. And no, the procedure doesn’t make it all better. Ask any woman who’s had one; many say they feel like they’ve been violated all over again. (Especially in light of how many rape kits have been taken, but not tested — thus enabling the assailants to walk free while the victims have had their dignity undermined once again.) This trivializing bullshit is like being violated a third time, this time by representatives (!) of the state. And in this case, nincompoops who think that a rape kit makes pregnancy just magically not happen.

5. Linda Fucking Harvey. This July is the first (and let’s hope the last) “Ex-Gay Pride Month”. Sorry, Linda, but there’s no such thing as ex-gay. Just ask anyone who’s ever tried it and failed. You’re thinking of shoving gay people back in the closet and pretending you’ve “cured” them. Never mind that what they have is not a disease, and as such, neither can nor SHOULD be “cured”.

6. Rand Fucking Paul. Yes, the NSA’s warrantless wiretapping and dragnetting IS reprehensible, and a gross infringement on privacy and the civil liberties of the people. But it is NOT analogous in any way, shape or form to lynching. And coming from a dude who thinks drones should be set upon anyone who so much as robs a liquor store, that’s a mighty creepy way to turn the facts of racism on their ear.

7. Vladimir Fucking Putin. First he steals a Super Bowl ring, then he offers the owner a cheesy replica by way of compensation. Yeah, that’ll fix it.

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8. Steve Fucking Deace. Dude, have you ever thought of doing anything about those violent fantasies? Because you sound like one helluva pervert. Also one helluva closet case.

9. Marcus Fucking Hoed. Dude, if you’re going to advertise how clean and professional your bicycle couriers are, you might want to (a) learn to speak and write better English, and (b) knock it the fuck off with the unintentionally ironic (but still disgusting) anti-immigrant slurs.

10. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Oh noes, no sex ed for us, because then we’ll hear the kids speaking Russian! Just say nyet, kiddies.

11. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Bunga bunga! He’s been sentenced to seven years, of which he’ll serve none. How about just taking away all his money instead? That would be a real punishment, because then he’d never be able to buy another hour’s underage company.

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12. James Fucking Wiedmann. If your douchey pickup artist gambits aren’t helping you “retain your mate” as you’d hoped, maybe violence will do it? Ha. Actually, that’s all a great strategy for alienating women and driving them away so you’ll end up Forever Alone. Not, I hasten to add, that Mr. “Roissy” needs a whole lot of help with THAT.

13. George Fucking West. Ha, ha, what a card. Between the knock-knock jokes and the assertions that Trayvon Martin was armed with a sidewalk (what, no iced tea or candy?), this trial is off to a roaring start. And bound straight for farce country.

14. Tony Fucking Perkins. Shorter: How dare the Bosox recognize that they have gay fans? Harrumph. Take your kids to the Florida Museum of Homophobia instead!

15. Justin Fucking Bieber. What’s this? A rip in those awful parachute pants, so to speak? Yup. The long slide into douchitude continues, and it’s only a matter of time before we see the Bieb in a bad blond wig, smearing lipstick all over his face in a cupcake shop.

16. David Fucking Price. Surprise! Rob Fucking Ford has a shill on the payroll — one who calls in to his own political talk radio show with silly right-wing quips as “Dave from [insert blahblah suburb here]”. Guess there IS a gravy train at Toronto City Hall after all! PS: Ha, ha.

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17. Chris Fucking Brown. Another shitty driving incident, followed by yet another outburst of insufferable ego, immaturity, and general shitheadedness? Yawwwn. Christ, listing his wanks is getting to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

18. Clarence Fucking Thomas. For voting against universal voting rights. May he try to vote in his home state and be denied, just so he knows what that feels like.

19 and 20. Bobby and Jamie Fucking Deen. Y’know, it’s one thing to say your mother was innocent of systemic racism (which, as the evidence shows, she most certainly is NOT). It’s quite another to claim her accusers were committing extortion. Especially since she owes them a whole lot more than just a sincere apology. PS: Isn’t it hilarious how they claim their own mother lied in her deposition? Ha, ha.

21. Glenn Fucking Beck. Dude, fucking STOP already. You don’t know what McCarthyism is. You don’t know what lynching is. You don’t know who Martin Luther King was. You’re just tossing that word salad, and any minute now, my irony meter will fucking IMPLODE. But hey! It IS awfully telling that you’ve chosen to defend an obvious, systemic racist using the language of civil rights. Especially during a week when the SCOTUS basically undid all that, and you never fucking said boo about it. Oops! There goes my irony meter…just went BIFF!

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22. Jann Fucking Arden. And on the other side of the irony-impaired racist coin, we have her…outing herself, lamentably, as one of THOSE people. The kind that have no fucking idea what it’s like to be racially discriminated against, but somehow “know” exactly what is racist and what is not. And she thinks that a slur (however frequently used) is not racist (because rappers do it!), and that it has to be a whole entire “way of life” before you can call someone a racist. Well, Jann…is THIS “way of life” enough for ya? Or how about THIS? Between your ignorant twitterrhrea and the ultra-privileged snit you threw when you and your purse-pooch got (rightly) chucked off the VIA train, I have just three words left for you: EAT MY BRA.

23. John Fucking Hembling. Is anyone surprised that this professional misogynist (and projectionist) thinks the real misogynists are (wait for it) THE FEMINISTS? Also, is anyone surprised that he’s a self-contradicting prick? Or that he’s a smug, doughy pantload who doesn’t understand the meaning of doxing? No? Oh, good. (And now that I’ve seen HIS face, I’m not at all surprised that women don’t like him, either. He’s got a mouth that just begs to be fist-fucked, and hard.)

24. Paula Fucking Deen. At this point, she’s become a train wreck. Just one thing after another, each smash more horrendous than the last. Damage control is turning into damage compounded. Best thing she could do at this point is just stop running her damn mouth, already.

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25. Rick Fucking Perry. Give it up, Crotch! The women of Texas have spoken…and they want abortion to be legal at all stages of pregnancy, and available as needed — not whenever a bunch of ignorant, sanctimonious men decide they can (or more likely, can’t) have it. PS: Also, shut the fuck up, you motherfucker.

26. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Speaking sanctimonious and ignorant, here is the obligatory entry for you-know-who, reacting to the SCOTUS ruling on same-sex marriage. Utterly predictable, void of any fresh insights (what are THOSE?) or original expressions. Of course.

27. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Isn’t it amazing how Pammy-pie just can’t seem to remember in what province she actually lives? Even with a valid Ontario health card?

28. Bob Fucking Deuell. “Accurate intercourse”? What’s that? Is it in any way related to Legitimate Rape? No, wait, that can’t be. Because the body has ways of shutting that down. Or some such. Hell, I’m confused!

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29. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Well, the old bat’s got one thing right: Latinos don’t see the point in voting for Repugs. Not because they have no experience with bills of rights (they do!), or because they’re too dumb (they’re not!), but because they are way too smart to vote for any party whose ideologues are so blatantly bigoted against them.

30. Tom Fucking Corbett. Not only does he want to deny others the same publicly funded healthcare he enjoys, he arrests activists who dare to speak out against that…in washable, non-toxic, children’s sidewalk chalk.

31. Pat Fucking Robertson. He’s gone predictably cuckoo over the SCOTUS ruling on same sex marriage. If only God WOULD do something drastic. Like, oh, say, taking Patwa off the air. Permanently.

32. Rick Fucking Wiles. ZOMFG, Amurricans are gonna float to Cuba to get away from Obama’s communism! Only one problem there, sparky…Cuba is communist, and Obama is not. Oops!

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33. Peter Fucking LaBarbera. I wasn’t aware that God was for sale. But then again, I’m not like Petey, trying to negotiate the price of intangibles.

34. Bill Fucking Zedler. So, being pro-choice makes one a terrorist? That’s funny, because more than 80% of Canadians are pro-choice, and we’re one of the least terrorism-prone countries in the world!

35. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh yay! Icky Ricky has reared his butt-sploodgy head again. And it sounds to me like he’s confessing to some kind of bestiality in his past, too. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

36. Bradlee Fucking Deen. Shorter: Kill a faggot for Christ! Also, please pay my legal expenses for my frivolous suit that I lost to Rachel Maddow, who kicked my ass without even breaking a tiny bead of sweat.

37. Mike Fucking Bloomberg. There is hardly a black or Latino man in New York who hasn’t been stopped and frisked. But apparently it’s WHITES who are being stopped too much, sez the mayor. AGAIN. Sorry, Mikey, but no matter how many times you shellack that turd, the smell of bullshit is just gonna keep on coming through!

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38. Dan Fucking Cathy. Oh surprise! He’s unhappy that DOMA got dunked. Too bad, so sad. Eat a salt and grease sandwich, Chick-fil-HATER. And please feel free to choke on it.

39. Sean Fucking Parker. Y’know, if you’re gonna accuse your critics of not fact-checking their articles that criticized your super-tacky $4 million wedding, you might want to fact-check yourself. Otherwise, someone else is gonna do it for you, and it won’t be pretty.

40 and 41. Kevin Fucking Swanson and Dave Fucking Buehner. Gay kissing causes forest fires! So do women wearing hats and pants! And dudes in skinny pants and little fairy shoes! Gee, about the only thing that doesn’t cause forest fires, it seems, is dry conditions and lightning strikes…due to global fucking warming, you two superstitious dumbfucks.

42. Daryl Fucking Metcalfe. “Open rebellion against God”? Where are you from, dude? Are you a demented mullah? No, you’re a state representative from Pennsylvania, and you are out of fucking line. Not to mention in open rebellion against the separation of church and state, motherfucker.

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43. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Wow, oversexed much? Seems he got a major hate-boner for Bert and Ernie after seeing the backs of the Muppets’ heads on the cover of the New Yorker. Time to lay off the Viagra and homoerotic fantasies, ol’ man.

44. Alexandre Fucking Duplessis. Just six months as interim mayor of scandal-ridden Laval, and already he’s got scandal himself…been busted for soliciting a prostitute. And he has the nerve to claim he didn’t make any sexual requests? Um…exactly why does one solicit them, then, if not for that? As another, more famous call-girl once said: He would say that, wouldn’t he?

45. Gary Fucking Hart. Having tits may be a problem, but being an ass to people with tits? Much bigger problem…ASS.

46. Mike Fucking Adams. The self-styled “Health Ranger” of “Natural News” strikes again! And this time, he hits out at Rachel Jeantel, whom he doesn’t know from his own self-important anus, because he presumes to “diagnose” her as “brain-damaged” by “mass fluoridation, vaccines and nutrient-depleted foods”. Dude…are you her doctor? If not, you aren’t qualified to comment on her condition. Seeing how you’ve espoused a load of unscientific and long debunked woo-woo, I’m guessing you’d never make it into med school. And anyway, she’s not brain-damaged. She is 19, she’s an immigrant, she’s a visible minority in a racist country, she has no courtroom experience, she’s grieving the loss of her friend (she’s the last person he spoke to before a racist vigilante murdered him, remember???), she’s probably more than a little afraid of the dumbass white dude representing her friend’s killer, who showed up to badger and interrogate her like SHE was the killer. But she’s most certainly not stupid. She speaks three languages, which is more than most white Americans can do. And she strikes me as brighter on the whole than this shitty misogynous snake-oil peddler, the Alex Jones of so-called “natural” living (note all the quotes, there for a reason). I’m not surprised HE decided to join the racist hate chorus. This just calls for a freshly juiced cup of organic STFU. With a “drop dead, ‘health’ Nazi” chaser.

47. Molly Fucking West. Why?

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Yes, that’s George Zimmerman’s lawyer’s daughter, with her sister and their dad. And yes, that was what she actually said on her Instagram, before she deleted it. But not before it went viral. So nice to see that she, too, thinks that nervous black girls testifying at the murder trial of their friend’s killer…are STUPID. Well, someone is, for sure, but it’s not Rachel Jeantel, who’s handling it about as well as anyone in her shoes can be expected to, and putting the REAL stupid firmly in its place.

48. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Hear that? That rattling and thumping? That’s something in his closet, wearing a pink tutu and high heels, kicking and screaming to get out and be FAAAAAAAAAABULOUS! Too bad that by the time he finally lets it out, no one will want its sorry old ass anymore.

49. Alec Fucking Baldwin. And speaking of faaaaabulous, guess whose homophobic tweets most certainly are NOT. (Or his lame excuses, either.)

50. Lance Fucking Armstrong. Why?

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Apparently, “everybody dopes” is supposed to be an excuse, or something.

And finally, to all the racist fucks attacking Rachel Jeantel and/or defending Paula Deen. Maybe you people don’t even realize that you ARE racist, because racism has never done anything but benefit you. And who really sees anything so all-encompassing, so inherent to the system, that harms others but benefits themselves? No one will ever murder any of you while “standing his ground” — at least, not based on the color of your skin. And no one will ever call you stupid or tacky or ugly — at least, not based on the color of your skin. And no one will ever deny you a job, an education, a vote, a marriage, or a friendship — at least, not based on the color of your skin. Now do you see it? No? Well, in your shoes, I’d take a harder look at my own damn privilege and realize that I’m not entitled to anything that is not extended as a right to everybody else. I’d stop romanticizing the past and pretending that slaves were just “workers” — or worse, claiming that slavery somehow did them good when it killed so many of their nearest and dearest. I’d stop treating those people as tap-dancing props at an imaginary Gone With the Wind wedding, and start seeing them as people. And work so that they’d have the same right to clean water, good food and medical care, as well as voting rights, that I enjoy without thinking very much about it all.

Good night, and get fucked!

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