Wankers of the Week: Spy, spy, everywhere a spy…

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, the NSA is still spying on everyone…and no, they haven’t caught Edward Snowden yet. Maybe they’ll have better luck getting covert video of Kim Fucking Kardashian’s baby emerging from her mama’s wazoo. Meanwhile, I spy with my little eye…people who are wanking. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. If the shoe fits, Israel doesn’t want to hear it! Well, tough toenails, Bibi…you maybe should have thought of that before you started playing Cinderfuckingella. Now put on that glass slipper and quit throwing stones.

2. John Fucking Baird. How nice! Squealer thinks Israel has the right to commit apartheid within its borders, and wars outside them. And now we know why Canada is fast becoming a laughingstock on the global human rights front. We’ve gone from peacekeepers to warmongers in less than a decade. PS: Oh Squealer, give it the fuck UP. We all know who’s behind this human-rights gutting. Can’t you own up, even once? PPS: No, srsly, STFU. Nobody gives a fuck what you think about Iran.

3. Pamela Fucking Geller. She’s broadened her front of attack, and that can only mean one thing: Her cerebral aneurysm is about to blow. Batten down the hatches!

4. Alex Fucking Jones. Speaking of blown aneurysms, the Beeb may have lowered its tone by having him on (where he shouted and blustered and ranted and made even less fucking sense than usual), but at least the host had the smarts and the guts to call him his worst interviewee ever. And to mug it up at his expense. (Watch the video to the end, it’s worth it.)

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5 and 6. Jamie Fucking Colby and Doug Fucking Burns. Only on “Fair and Balanced” (note the quotes) FUX Snooze could George Zimmerman morph from a racist vigilante who shot an unarmed black kid, to a “gentle kind caring soul who was minding the neighborhood…doing his Good Samaritan job”. And only there could an unarmed black kid turn into a potential murderer…armed with a bag of candy and a can of iced tea. FUX Snooze, where black is white, day is night, wrong is right, and truth is shite.

7. Russell Fucking Moore. Oh, the government is “overstepping its bounds” all of a sudden, when the Southern Baptists have been blatantly violating that church/state separation for motherfucking decades? And it’s “overstepping” by merely holding them to their side of the bargain? Well, I never. Next, you’ll be telling me that this all wouldn’t be happening if there weren’t an uppity niggruh in the White House.

8. Gregg Fucking Jarrett. Only on “Fair and Balanced”, blahblah, would you find so much sympathy all in one heap for poor George Zimmerman, who has “already been punished” by gaining weight in the clinker while awaiting trial. Yeah, boohoo, he got fat. So fucking what? Trayvon Martin got DEAD. That skinny kid is never gonna live to see a weight gain. And he was given the death penalty for walking while black, drinking tea while black, and eating candy while black. Oh, and wearing a hoodie while black. Since when is any of THAT a crime?

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9. Pat Fucking Robertson. Is it the Eighties again? Patwa just came out with yet another bizarre tirade against D & D. I didn’t know anybody was still playing that, much less getting demon-possessed while doing so! And his sense of irony is deteriorating, too. Could this mean that he’s about to join #3 in Cerebrovascular Accident Land?

10. Troy Fucking Newman. Newsflash: Fetuses are not persons. Therefore, civil rights do not pertain to them. But if Troy-Boy had his way, women wouldn’t be persons, and fetuses would. What he would say about the NSA’s spying then, I don’t know. Probably nothing, because he only ever seizes on an issue if he can tie it — however stupidly — to abortion. And God-hating jezebels.

11. Robert Fucking Ammon, Jr. Jeepers creepers, what the fuck is the world coming to when tenured profs can’t sexually harass students anymore and offer them measly favoritism in exchange for BJs? Poor bastard. And he’s a repeat offender, too!

12. Nick Fucking Griffin. Why?

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That’s why. This MEP (a Maggie Thatcher legacy, surprise surprise) is a racist POS and a fascist SOB. He deserves to lose his seat, pronto. He can STFU and FOAD, too. And when he does, no one will mourn him. PS: Whose glorious idea was this? Here’s hoping some facts find HIM.

13. Peter Fucking MacKay. Well, well, well. What have we here? Peety-weety okayed electronic spying here two fucking years ago, and it only makes the news this week? And he would have gotten away with it, too, if not for that meddling kid, Edward Snowden. Curses!

14. Ann Fucking Coulter. His Barackness “doesn’t take terrorism seriously”? Well, no. Aside from getting Osama, and keeping all of Dubya’s unconstitutional and illegal “anti-terror” policies in place, plus all those drones…no, he doesn’t take it a bit seriously. At all.

15. Trent Fucking Franks. Again with the lame-o Forces of Evil rhetoric. Dude, the only force of evil in this world is men who try to control what everyone else is doing. And everyone else includes women, and what they’re doing with their uteri is none of your fucking business! Do you even have a clue as to the irony of what you’re saying about “liberty”?

16. Rob Fucking Ford. No women on his executive committee anymore. Only men. Belligerent, ill-tempered, not-very-bright men, I bet. PS:

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Oops. Ha, ha.

17. Rodger Fucking Kelly. No, raping an unconscious woman (hard enough to leave bruises!) is NOT the way to revive her. If it were, paramedics would all be carrying Viagra.

18. Taylor Fucking Chapman. Want proof that the customer is NOT always right? Look no further than this coffee-shop customer from hell, who decided to get her racist bitch on, video it, and then post it to the Internets. She has since learned that the Internets are an even bigger bitch than she is. (And just think, she’s in marketing. Actually, maybe that should come as no surprise.)

19. Scott Fucking Walker. Why is this asshat still squatting in the governor’s mansion in Wisconsin? If union-bashing wasn’t enough wank to get him out, will an ultrasound re-rape law do it? Let us pray…

20. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. Awww, isn’t it cute? Wanker #12 has a widdle fascist friend. At FUX Snooze. Of course.

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21. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Speaking of fascism, Lindsey-windsey would like to read everybody’s snail mail. Yes, that’s right, he’s there with a steaming kettle, ready to pry open every envelope…in the name of national security. Of course.

22. Peter Fucking King. Oh dearz, whatever is a nation coming to if it can’t keep secrets from its people anymore, and the pesky media keep reporting what the politicians only want them to hush up? Uh, I believe that’s what we call ACCOUNTABILITY, you fucking oaf.

23 and 24. Erich and Mark Fucking Muller. Oh joy, oh bliss. “Mancow” (that’s Erich’s handle on the Internetz) has his own show. And I’m sure his particular brand of racist, cryptofascist FEMA-camp paranoia will be just what the Hitler Channel ordered. (And just what will cause their last three subscribers to cancel their satellite packages, too.)

25. Jim Fucking Bridenstine. Teh Stoopid wants an apology? Okay, Jim, I’m sorry you’re so fucking stupid that you can’t understand that global warming is real, that the number of violent storms has increased dramatically over the last 30 years, and that being from Oklahoma is no fucking excuse. How about another tornado? Global warming can do that.

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26. Jean-Michel Fucking Colo. Quoi? Monsieur le Maire won’t sanction same-sex marriages? He says he’d rather hang? Alors, that can be arranged. Madame Defarge, to your knitting needles, s’il vous plaît…

27. Barry Fucking Accorti. Great, traumatize some kids by killing feral kittens in front of them, and even admit that you’re not supposed to do it that way, but still get off the hook. Actually, this guy’s supervisors are even bigger wankers than he is.

28. Lanny Fucking Davis. Last time we saw this sleazoid, he was making excuses (and doing PR) for the fascist coup in Honduras. Nice to see he hasn’t lost any of his pond-scummy touch. (Cory Booker, if you’re at all smart, you will distance yourself from this sack of douche AT ONCE.)

29. Mal Fucking Brough. What’s on the menu in Australia? Sexism, sexism and more sexism! Never mind that bad taste in your mouth, just swallow as fast as you can. And try not to retch on the slimy texture, either.

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30. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Only in the fetid parallel universe of a fascist’s brain could emergency birth control be empowering to rapists and abusers…but NOT to the women and girls who want to make sure that no living reminder of those bastards gets left in their uteri. Has this woman ever been assaulted? (Being dropped on the head at birth doesn’t count.)

31. Lorrie Fucking Goldstein. And people wonder why we say the Sun chain of newspapers isn’t fit to wrap a fish in? Or that their pet TV channel is like an on-air toilet? Turds like this just might be clues. They aren’t the exception at the Sun — they’re the rule.

32. Lou Fucking Schizas. Speaking of turds, this is also why nobody with an ounce of brains listens to AM640…unless they want to see their IQ drop by 25 points in just under a minute.

33. Thomas Fucking Mulcair. “Don’t you know who I am?” is NOT an acceptable way of dealing with cops. Just ask Reese Witherspoon if you don’t believe me.

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34. Jason Fucking Kenney. Stay out of my inbox, you fucking creep. And keep your filthy lies to your filthy self. UGH.

35. Pamela Fucking Wallin. She “made mistakes”? I’ll say she did. And funnily enough, all her “mistakes” made her one fat wad of ka-ching after another! PS: Snicker giggle snurk.

36 and 37. Jeff and Tanner Fucking Flake. Like father, like son…like racist, like antisemite…like asshole, like turd. The chip doesn’t fall far from the ol’ block, does it? Gee, I wonder where the kid learned to be such a fucking homophobe, too…

38. Robert Fucking Zimmerman Sr. And speaking of chips that didn’t fall far, guess what Trayvon’s accused killer’s dad has to say about racism? Yup, it’s pure projection. And I’m sure it will not make him or his son look bad at all.

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39. Marco Fucking Rubio. What’s that I smell? Mothballs? And why is my gaydar going woop woop woop? Ohhhhhhh…THAT’s why.

40. Rick Fucking Perry. Speaking of the smell of mothballs and the sound of gaydars whooping, it looks like Crotch is trying to out-wingnut #39. Probably for the same reasons, too. Give it up and get a room, you two.

41. Edith Fucking Jones. And back to racism, with a side order of sexism. You know you’ve overstepped a mighty broad line when even Dubya’s SCOTUS appointees aren’t shutting their eyes to your sheer offensiveness.

42. John Fucking Ratzenberger. I always wondered if his Cheers character’s one-note right-wing stupidity was really an act. Well, I guess this answers THAT question.

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43. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Please, old white Nazi sympathizer, go the fuck EXTINCT already. You’ve already long outstayed your welcome on this planet.

44. James Fucking McTurk. He’s been convicted of his sexual offences against Cuban kids. Now, let’s go after all the others like him. I know from friends who regularly travel to the island that there are droves of them, and that they’ve marked Cuba as a sex-tourism destination, and that Afro-Cuban girls — LITTLE girls — are their targets of choice.

45. Jeb Fucking Bush. Oh fuckers, Jebby is looking more and more like he wants to run for office. And already he’s sticking his big dumb foot in his bigger, dumber mouth, just like Dubya. Only more so, if such things are possible.

46. Jonathan Fucking Franzen. Yeah, sure, bro, literary sexism is dead and you killed it. And you are still alive because Edith Wharton was ugly. Got it.

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47. Eve Fucking Adams. Because MPs can also claim dodgy expenses. And hair and nail salons are dodgy as fuck. And hey, why should the Senate get all the fun?

48. Sarah Fucking Palin. Because a week without blatant fameballing just doesn’t happen in snowbilly grifter country. And because Allah really needs a new soccer ball.

49. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Not only can #48 see him from Alaska, she missed the fact that he stole a motherfucking Super Bowl ring. Maybe she should let the NSA bunk in her house.

50. Ken Fucking Fredette. He thinks his manly-man brain makes him more rational, but statements like this just prove the opposite. Or, to put it another way: When the Zombie Apocalypse finally comes, there’ll be nothing on him for them to eat.

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And finally, to the lovely, slut-shaming town of Elwood, Indiana. Can you people not tell the difference between a rape victim and a prostitute? Or do those distinctions just not matter to you fucking idiots? I would say shame on you, but it’s apparent that you all have zero sense of it whatsoever…unless it’s applied to children who are victims of crime.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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