Wankers of the Week: The Gee-Hate Summit

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about our Dear Leaders. Thinking they know how to run the world. Ha! After what Edward Snowden exposed, it’s a wonder any of them can show their faces in public anymore, much less at a summit. Maybe next time there won’t be one. We can always hope, eh? And here’s who I can always hope would never show their faces anywhere, in no particular order:

1. Tony Fucking Blair. Not content with the ridiculously fucking huge bundle he made off Afghanistan and Iraq, now Dubya’s Poodle is cheerleading for war in Syria, too. Don’t make me put a bankruptcy curse on you, Toady Bliar! PS: And if anything you did deserves cursing from me, THIS does.

2. Karl Fucking Rove. Speaking of people who made a bundle off Dubya’s wars, Turdblossom is back in the news, too. Predictably, he’s defending the illegitimate because he used to watch cop-and-robber shows on TV as a little kid. Well, so did I, Unka Karl, but I knew that shit wasn’t real. And I don’t think anyone who advocates this kind of police-statism has any business talking about freedom anymore.

3. Dick Fucking Cheney. And oh yeah, the Big Dick is also back. Also squawking about how spying on citizens is like totally legit, but blowing the whistle on it makes you a traitor. Two words, Dickie: VALERIE PLAME. PS: Twoofer much?

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4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s fertile. Unfortunately, she’s still not terribly bright.

5. Howard Fucking Kurtz. Oh, so it’s only the media fueling the perception that the US justice system is appallingly racist? And the fact that millions of black guys are doing more jail time for drug possession or petty theft than rich white guys for Murder One has nothing to do with it. Nothing at all. Riiiiiight.

6. Dolores Fucking Valandro. Her first name’s about right; it stands for pain and suffering. Her surname needs one letter changed, though: the V to an M. And that’s for suggesting that a black parliamentarian — a minister, no less — be raped for not cracking down more on immigrants. In Italy, where there are, heaven knows, more than enough homegrown criminals already. And some of them are sitting politicians.

7. Tim Fucking Haries. Oh joy, oh bliss. Another “fathers’ rights” crane-climber has made an ass of himself in an attempt to get custody of his kids. And this one did it by defacing a royal portrait in a gallery with spray paint. Genius move, dude. Bet that will REALLY get the judge’s sympathy!

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8. Michael Fucking Burgess. Dude, are you sure you want to argue that just because male fetuses (what, no girls?) can masturbate in utero, all of them should be forcibly born and promptly neglected by the state thereafter? Or, to put it another way: Simply because you yourself are a wanker from way, WAY back, do you really want more little wankers brought into the world with no means of supporting them other than your sexist, “pro-life”, wankish say-so?

9. Gregg Fucking Jarrett. Pot makes you violent? Only if you’ve been watching Reefer Madness. And smoking crack while doing so.

10. Rand Fucking Paul. And on the other side of the pot-stupidity scale, Aqua Buddha thinks that pot smokers are losing brain cells. And motivation. Explains a lot about Randy McBong, don’t you think?

11. Marissa Fucking Powell. What the hell was Miss Utah saying? I don’t know, and I suspect she doesn’t, either.

12. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. When you’re found out for election fraud and the media won’t leave you alone, do what the big tough guys with the mafia connections do: Blubber like a big fat baby.

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13. Charles Fucking Saatchi. Trying to kill your wife in public is, obviously, a crime. Trying to pass the whole horrifying thing off as a “playful tiff” (as if such things actually existed) is, obviously, a major, MAJOR wank.

14. Nick Fucking Griffin. Last week we found out that Icky Nicky was just marking the hours and days till Nelson Mandela passed away, grumbling all the while about some imaginary terrorist. This week, we find out that he’d like to sexually molest #13’s wife. So, that makes one checkmark under Racist, another under Sexist. Dude sure knows how to put the ASS in classy.

15. David Fucking Cameron. Letting the peons know how much fancy shit you ate is classless. Hearing back from them on the tweeter, in no uncertain terms, what a wanker you are…is PRICELESS.

16. Abe Fucking Foxman. Nice of him to try to pit Jews against blacks by slamming Alice Walker for her humanitarian efforts toward Palestinians. I’m sure that will do wonders for Israel’s ever-growing, ain’t-going-away reputation as an apartheid state.

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17 and 18. Ed Fucking Fast and John Fucking Baird. Elsewhere on the apartheid-state front, Squealer got someone to keep him company while he went there to try to embarrass us even more than he already has. Aww, how nice.

19. James Fucking Taranto. Blah blah blah blah WAR ON MEN blah blah blah blah LEGITIMATE RAPE blah blah blah blah EFFORT TO CRIMINALIZE MALE SEXUALITY blah blah blabbity blah blah. Rape culture, as fomented by the Wall Street Urinal. If ever a man deserved to be Forever Alone, it’s HIM.

20. Serena Fucking Williams. And on the other side of the rape-apologist ledger, there’s her. Blaming the Steubenville victim, even though it’s all out there that Jane Doe was drugged on purpose so that she’d be unable to resist when rape came knocking at her door. I have no words.

21. Paula Fucking Deen. Happy Juneteenth, y’all! The Queen of Type II Diabetic Hypocrisy and Profiteering just wants y’all to know she thought slavery was so romantic and that house slaves looked all “professional” in their white coats and little black ties. Also that there’s nothing wrong with the N-word if you’re dealing with the help, or telling a “joke”. Bless her heart. Don’t you just wish she’d choke on a cornpone?PS: And her brother, too.

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22. Ken Fucking Hoinsky. If you’re one of those desperate fucking dolts who contributed even a cent to that $16,000 Kickstarter thingie of his, you don’t deserve to get your money back. He’s “writing” (or more likely, PLAGIARIZING) a “guide” to DATE RAPE. All the “advice” that’s in it is already available all over the Internets for nothing. Which is, in the end, exactly what that shit is worth. Especially if it comes from schlubby guys with skeezy goatees. PS: Ha, ha.

23. E.W. Fucking Jackson. Every week, he says something stupid. And every week, it’s stupider than the week before. This is getting to be something of a pattern with him.

24. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Because a good investigative reporter (i.e., NOT GERALDO RIVERA) dying in a fiery car crash is merely sad, but a still-living fuck-up of a douchey general is ever so much sadder. So nice to see he has his sads all prioritized like that!

25. Phil Fucking Gingrey. Won’t somebody think of the children? And won’t somebody please go on cramming outmoded gender roles and stereotypes down their dear little throats? Otherwise, the terrorists and homo-sex-you-alls win! Also, legitimate rape!

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26. Chris Fucking Simcox. Somehow, I’m not surprised that this racist-but-don’t-call-him-racist “militia” leader turns out to be a child molester AND a domestic abuser. I guess we’re not supposed to call him any of THAT, either.

27. Christina Fucking Odone. Hey, lady: How about you stop trying to “save” #13’s marriage (his third, BTW, and thus the third that he’s fucked up) by urging the public to overlook the very strong photographic evidence that it’s an irredeemable shitpile? Trying to pass off a public strangulation attempt as a “private matter”…UGH. I mean, that’s just the WORST kid of concern trolling. Not to mention that it perpetuates domestic abuse by normalizing violence…and fetishizing patriarchy.

28. Patrick Fucking Johnston. I’m sure he’s never heard the phrase “cognitive dissonance” before. Otherwise, he’d realize he was suffering from a terminal case of it, and get help.

29. Steve Fucking Moxon. Given that men rule the media and the vast majority of the world, a program that gives an hour’s airtime to women is hardly “sexism” — unless you’re the kind of guy who thinks women should get no time or recognition whatsoever. Or an asshole. But I repeat myself…

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30 and 31. Mickey Fucking Hurley and Malu Fucking Custer Edwards. I would ask why the rich are such abusive, cheap-ass bitches, but science has already done a better job of this (and answering it) than I. And, in a perverse way, they’ve proven F. Scott Fitzgerald right: The rich ARE different from the rest of us. They are much, much worse.

32. Rick Fucking Wiles. If it’s publicity from socialists that you want, you should have come to me. I’m a socialist, but Rachel Maddow is not. And you, sir, are a fucking nutjob.

33. Ira Fucking Hilliard. Remember when Oral Roberts said he’d get “called home” unless his sheeple coughed up the cash for a new yacht? And how he failed to do so? This is something like that, only the yacht is a helicopter. And he’s promising everyone a fancy car. Uh-huh.

34. Nigel Fucking Farage. Oh surprise! British Nazi party leaders are just like any other rich bastards. They hide their money offshore while proclaiming their patriotism to all and sundry. And then whine when they’re caught. In his case, that it was his accountant’s idea, and that he’s “not rich enough”. Surrrrre, Nigel. We believe you!

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35. Paul Fucking LePage. Bad enough to slam his opponent by suggesting that the man is a sodomizer who does it “with no Vaseline”. But then to double down on the dumbth with an “oh come on, I was only being politically incorrect, he’s worse” — and to couch it in racist terms? Yeah, that’s a winning strategy, guvnor. You, sir, are an asshole. And you deserve to get it without Vaseline…or Astroglide…or so much as a by-your-leave.

36. Craig Fucking Dershowitz. Fuck it, I hate apartheid. And hipster condoms pretending to be “art”.

37. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Yup, Gomer again. And this week’s special in stoopid is crab legs. Which he thinks people on welfare can afford. Uh, Louie? Most of them can’t even afford Kraft Dinner. And they have no idea what crabmeat tastes like, either.

38. Jim Fucking Allen. Y’know, it really speaks to how white Repugs actually view black women when one of them calls one — a candidate from his own party — a “streetwalker”, a “love child”, etc. Could you possibly get more racist and slut-shamey, dude? And is it any wonder so few black people will ever vote for your party, much less run for office under its banner?

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39, 40 and 41. Jason Fucking Gregory, Dean Fucking Esmay, and Paul Fucking Elam. The unholy trinity of masculist stoopid has basically crapped its nest full of guano this week, and fallen out with a giant THUD. Much to the amusement of internauts and feminists everywhere. And the shitting still seems to be continuing unabated, too. Tune in next week when the shitshow reaches a self-administered climax…if your stomach can stand it.

42. Terry Fucking Brandstad. Since when does a state governor get to veto a woman’s decisions regarding her own uterus? Since now, apparently. And this one insists on doing so on a case-by-case basis, too. How much more intimidating and draconian could it get?

43. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Oh Pammy, if you’re gonna go the “I am not a crook” route, could you at least hold up both hands in a V sign? You know, for authenticity?

44. Bill Fucking Maher. Oh sure, the N-word is just a word. To white people. To those at whom white people have traditionally directed it, though, it’s weighted with 300 years of slavery, plus another 150 of discrimination and exclusion. For “just a word”, it sure weighs a goddamn fuckton.

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45. Mitch Fucking McConnell. I’ll believe corporations are people on the day that Texas executes one. Or on the day the “pro-life” movement prevents one from getting aborted. Until that day, all talk of human rights for corporations is absurd.

46. Bill Fucking Cunningham. You wanna talk roles, old man? Shut the fuck up and get that lady a sandwich. That’s YOUR role.

47. Daniel Fucking Musso. Don’t like getting tazed? Good. Because gun-violence survivors should not be heckled. Especially not when calling for very modest, common-sense measures like background checks for gun buyers.

48 and 49. Glendon Scott Fucking Crawford and Eric J. Fucking Feight. Men are NOT from Mars, but maybe we can make an exception for these two KKKrazies and their racist death ray. As in, send ’em there to be the first (and last) two people ever permanently stationed on the Red Planet.

50. Glenn Fucking Beck. God is not a teabagger. But Biff seems to think She is. Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie, Biff.

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And finally, to the lovely victim-blaming town of Norwood, Colorado. As if hazing and sodomy with a pencil weren’t bad enough, the entire town went out of its way to shame the 13-year-old boy who was thus assaulted, forcing him and his family to move away. Small towns, a great place to raise children? Don’t bet on it. They’re actually great places for getting away with murder, and circling the wagons everytime an outcast speaks out. I grew up in one, and that seems to be the prevailing mentality there, too. And oh, the stories I could tell…but I won’t. I’ll just say that small towns have their own very special brand of suckitude, and this is a big, BIG part of it.

Good night, and get fucked!

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