Wankers of the Week: A bouncing baby bore

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how’s about that new little princeling in Kensington Palace? It’s only been a few days, and already I’m bored stiff hearing about him. So, fuck that shit…let’s just get on with who else gave my nerves a strenuous workout this week. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. August Fucking Løvenskiolds. Who? Oh, some random asshat at A Voice for (Racist, Woman-Hating, Deranged) Men. You and I just KNEW those freaks would find some way to pin the blame for Trayvon Martin’s murder on a woman, and by Jove, he’s found it. He blames Trayvon’s friend, Rachel! Although how he arrived at that conclusion is very loopy and only makes sense (MAYBE) after a massive hit of meth. Srsly, is it so hard to wrap one’s head around the fact that George Zimmerman is a racist creep with a long prior history of violent crime? Apparently, if you think you speak for da poor widdle oppressed menz, it is.

2. Alison Fucking Tieman. Who? Oh, just another random asshat from A Voice for (Racist, Woman-Hating, Deranged) Men. And another random skirt that the misogynists like to hide behind because they’re so voiceless and all, and in whose mouth they like to put their weasel words. Which is very odd when you consider that they don’t actually like women at all, eh?

3. Jim Fucking Hoft. Who? Oh, just another random asshat who calls himself a pundit. And he seems to think that Skittles + iced tea = drugs. This brain-dead meme has been going around a lot lately, mostly in Stormfront circles. Which tells you a lot about the fascists who hang out in there.

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4. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Dude. You are NOT the “new 50”. You are a ridiculous 70-year-old man with stringy pecs, rheumy eyes, and a ‘stache that needs trimming. For fuck’s sake, put on a shirt. In fact, put on a hoodie. And pull the hood up, wouldja? Pull it WAY up.

5. Samantha Fucking Power. Lady, you are NOT going to go to the UN to tell Venezuela, or Cuba, or anyone else, how to behave. Until your own country learns to set a proper example, it would behoove you to sit down and shut up. Especially about Israel, whose own human rights record is looking awfully spotty of late.

6. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Virginia: still for haters, apparently. And governed by a soulless, self-destructive fuckhead.

7. Mitch Fucking Daniels. Keeping kids from reading Howard Zinn? Now there’s a way to drag them down to your level and beat them with experience! (Yes, I am calling him stupid. Remember, reality has a leftist bias!)

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8. Paul Fucking Hewson. Yes, Bono made the list again this week. He thinks that capitalism is the way out of poverty for starving Africans! Awww, how generous of him. And might I ask when Monsieur plans on paying his back taxes in Ireland? Or when he’s going to use all that excess money he’s just sitting on at the moment? For the good of the starving Africans (and Irishmen), I mean?

9. Sean Christopher Fucking Flaherty. Better dead than red…and better drunk as a skunk? Dude…dumb, drunk and paranoid is no way to go through life.

10. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Newty, if you’re gonna pull stats out of your ass, shouldn’t you at least TRY to conceal your racism? Oh wait, it all comes from the same place with you. Never mind!

11. Ben Fucking Carson. Not-talking-about-race doesn’t make you a non-racist. It also doesn’t make you an anti-racist. It makes you a non-comprehender of racism. And it also makes you, by extension, a cover-up artist and perpetuator of systemic racism. Why? Because that’s a problem that not-talking-about-it will not only NOT make go away, it’s a problem that not-talking-about-it enables to grow. Like cancer. Honestly, how someone could become a world-class surgeon and not understand that, it just boggles my mind.

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12. Sue-Ann Fucking Levy. Save the white males! Endangered species that runs the world doesn’t get enough facetime in Ontario! Oh, for the fuck of holy shit.

13. Dana Fucking Perino. Dubya’s dumbest blonde-in-chief seems to think that white kids are oppressed, too. Never mind that the alleged would-be robbers who allegedly shot that poor baby were apprehended right away, and that this was NOT a racially motivated crime. (Correction: It now looks like the real culprit was the mother of the baby.) Dim-witted Dana seems to think it should be decried as “reverse racism” (which DOES NOT EXIST), or that else, the president shouldn’t speak of an egregious and obviously racist murder. See #11, and add HAIR BLEACH EATS YOUR BRAIN, KIDDIES!

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. White people shouldn’t feel guilty over slavery, says the Grand Wizard of the Dittohead KKK. He means he shouldn’t be held to account for his years of hate-radio racism, I guess. No fucking dice, Pigman. You’re STILL a motherfucking Nazi, and will be until your aneurysm ruptures and carries you home to Cthulhu. Capisce?

15. Allen Fucking West. He never got his ass shot dead because unlike Trayvon, his parents stayed together. Yeah, that’s logic for ya. Hey dumbfuck, George Zimmerman never asked Trayvon about his parents, and didn’t shoot him over that. Also, there’s the salient fact that Trayvon was not a thug. He was INNOCENT, and his parents, despite being split up, still raised him right. Your folks raised an idiot, but hey — at least they stuck together, ill-advised as that may have been. Yay for your parents, boo for you.

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16. Patriarch Fucking Kirill. Once more, with feeling: Canada has had same-sex marriage for nearly a decade. No apocalypse in sight. Wow, who knew that heads of official state churches were liars?

17 and 18. Ginni Fucking Thomas and Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Once more, with feeling: “Cultural Marxism” does not exist. Marxism is a poltico-economic philosophy. It has nothing to do with culture at all. Just like these two dipshits, in other words.

19. Victor Fucking Davis Fucking Hanson. Why the double Fucking? Because he’s double-fucking-racist and double-fucking-stupid if he thinks it’s acceptable to make racism a generational thing, AND to insist that it’s not “subjective racism” to be afraid of black dudes.

20. Mark Fucking Kessler. Fascist gun nut asshole is a police chief. Gee, what are the odds? And what are the odds that he will also turn out to be a raving, sheet-worthy racist? PS: And what are the odds that “taking it in the ass” is, in fact, his own deepest, darkest sexual fantasy?

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21. Mary Lou Fucking Hannon. See link above, and add the fact that FREEZE PEACH is NOT an acceptable excuse for this kind of shit. The man is supposed to be a fucking public servant! It’s literally only a matter of time before this nutjob starts hunting humans, you shitty excuse for a mayor. Next thing you know, death threats will be covered under the same rubric. Hey, chasing down and killing black kids is “standing your ground” in Florida, after all…

22. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Surprise, surprise, surprise! Gomer’s a wanker again this week. But hey, let’s not be too hard on the village idiot of Washington. After all, he correctly identified non-whites as endangered species in the US. (See what I mean about hunting humans?)

23. Glenn Fucking Beck. Mockery FAIL. Biff, you’re drunk. Go home!

24. Ted Fucking Nugent. Speaking of impairment, FAIL, and go home, how about the Nuge? Looks like all those substances he abused over the years have finally killed his last vestige of a sense of irony. Because there is simply no other way one could explain his claim to anti-racism on the one hand, bolstered by his urging people to profile blacks (racially!) on the other.

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25. E.W. Fucking Jackson, Jr. And once more, with feeling: You can’t claim to be anti-racist on the one hand and bolster white people’s ugly stereotypes of your people on the other. And telling people not to “racialize” what is clearly a racist crime isn’t helping either.

26. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. The only thing more disgusting than a dirty old lecher who thinks that even chambermaids are only there for his sexual delectation (read: ASSAULT), is a dirty old lecher who “doesn’t realize” that all those women (invariably much younger, invariably far better looking) at all those sex parties…are hired. Does anyone seriously think non-prostituted women would show up to such an affair of their own free will just to get groped, pawed and manhandled by a slew of drooling geezers whose only attractive feature is their money? Please. Playing dumb isn’t a legal defence, old man.

27. John Fucking Pike. Remember Sgt. Pepperspray? Yeah, him. Anyway, he’s now claiming that the act of brutally suppressing all those peaceful, unarmed protesters did irreparable psychological damage…to HIM. Um, what?

28. Anthony Fucking Weiner. Once more he’s in hot water; once more, a woman not his wife has been on the receiving end of pictures of Weiner’s wiener. And since he’s been exposed, he’s leapt from the frying pan to the fire. And he STILL plans to run for mayor of New York! Frankly, I don’t know how his wife puts up with him. Can he still cut the mustard at home, I wonder? (Sorry!)

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29. Francisco José Fucking Garzón. And in other hot-dog news (ugh, sorry), the driver of the Spanish train that crashed near Santiago de Compostela earlier this week, it turns out, is something of a speed demon. The locomotive he was piloting was going more than double the speed limit when it crashed, and it seems that this sort of shitty driving was something of a pattern for him, if his Facebook page is any indication. Just sit back and let that sink in: 78 people are dead because of a wanking Facebook braggart. Doesn’t exactly fill you with confidence in mass transport, does it?

30. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Liberal judges are Nazis? Um, no. Also, VAFFANCULO.

31. Athlone Fucking McGinnis. Bitchez Be Crazy N Shit, so therefore it’s okay for pick-up assholes to “adapt to” their (supposed) irrational and/or masochistic behavior. And by “adapt to”, he means EXPLOIT. Be sure to check out his long, boring, mansplainy contributions in the comments, in which he attempts (futilely) to backpedal to make it sound like he really means “leave them crazy bitchez alone”. Speaking as a woman who has suffered in the past from episodes of major depression, which makes me lose interest in everything I normally like (including sex), I find this all hilarious. Because this illness (a) leaves my reasoning faculties intact (albeit sluggish), and (b) the only “good” thing about it, from the viewpoint of a woman who detests being used and abused by men, is that it makes one absolutely unexploitable to frat-boy clowns like this. Who knew that being dead from the waist down for months on end could actually be a GOOD thing?

32. Bob Fucking Filner. He’s headed to sex-addiction therapy. Mainly because he hears the women there are easy. Ba-dump-BUMP!

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33. Scott Fucking Walker. Yup, Little Snotty Wanker is back in the news this week, for ordering the cops out on demonstrators. And for sicking them on a Marine veteran, and desecrating his flag. Ah yes, patriotic Repugnican Koch-suckers.

34. David Fucking Price. Oh look! Rob Fucking Ford’s little canned radio show caller is back in the news. This time for homophobia. And the usual “liberal media” phobia, too.

35. Kaye Fucking Beach. Once more, with feeling: THERE IS NO SATAN. THEREFORE, YOUR DRIVER’S LICENCE PHOTO IS NOT THE “MARK OF THE BEAST”. IT’S ONLY IDENTIFICATION, YOU FUCKING IDIOTESS!!!

36. Justin Fucking Bieber. The long slide into douchedom continues apace for the Bieb. Y’know, any other guy his age would probably be thrilled to have hordes of girls chasing him everywhere, hanging on his every vacuous word and deed and craptacular outfit. So what does HE do? Leans over a hotel balcony and horks a loogie on them. And then snaps a photo of the shocked and horrified faces, no doubt for his Instagram feed. And laughs about it with his equally douchey buddy. One of these days, he’s gonna fall off that balcony. Let’s hope it’s high enough that that will be the end of all the fucking Bieberism.

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37. Pat Fucking McCrory. If you don’t know enough about a bill you’re signing into law, shouldn’t you actually READ the thing before reaching for the ol’ rubber stamp? Gawd.

38. Rehan Fucking Chaudary. Striking hotel workers are “animals”? Pfft, even if they were, they’d still be more human than this fucking clod who refuses to negotiate with them.

39. Robert Fucking Zimmerman, Jr. Yup, Junior’s been keeping his wank hand very, very busy. Tweeting photos of a bullshit racist meme about two INNOCENT black kids to Michael Moore? Threatening Trayvon Martin’s family? Gee, Junior, what WILL you do for an encore? Unless it involves going and fucking yourself, I’m not interested in hearing any more from you.

40. Patrick Fucking Rehder. Oh look! Widdle Georgie Porgie has friends in the cop shop. And one of them was thoughtful enough to send him a heads-up about a roll-over crash not far from where he killed Trayvon, so he could come swooping in to play hero. Pardon me, but isn’t that rather shoddy police procedure? Or maybe even ILLEGAL?

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And finally, to James Fucking Vishner, at 68.57.32.3. James was dumb enough to actually sign his own name to his troll-post (although I suspect he used a burner e-mail address), when he attempted to debunk me, here. James, if that’s the best you and your alleged 6th grader can do for googling, you should demand a refund from your respective school districts. That picture was straight off MSNBC’s courtroom feed, so it IS the same one your hallowed jury of six pearl-clutching white women saw. I might also add that they should have seen this photo of George Fucking Zimmerman’s very un-stained windbreaker. As should you have, if you’d been paying attention…which you clearly haven’t. You wasted all that time googling for wingnut crapaganda and berating me like a bleating dipshit, and for what? To score a point? Your only real point is located squarely on the top of your skull. And it sure does make a convenient bit of padding for that hooded sheet. Which, so I hear, is the perennial fashion in Culpeper, Virginia.

Good night, and get fucked!

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