Wankers of the Week: Apocalypse Not

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, here we are…a full week since DOMA died, and obviously the world has gone to hell in a handbasket. Everyone got married to an animal and/or inanimate object, and all the homo-sex-you-all fornication that went on just killed all the kittens. Ha, no, not really. Actually, nothing bad happened…nothing that could be blamed on same-sex marriage, anyway. However, plenty of other bad stuff happened…and these people are to blame, in no particular order:

1. George W. Fucking Bush. Liar, spy-er, pants on fire, still got ’em caught in the telephone wire. Yep, the author of the NSA spy program is shooting his fool mouth off again this week. And I still want to punch him right in the fucking smirk. For all the same reasons, too.

2. Jennifer Fucking Lopez. Hey, remember when this talentless twit signed on to a “protest” calling Chavecito (democratically elected and re-elected, no torture, popular, I could go on) a “dictator”? Well, guess whose birthday she “sang” at this week. Yup, an actual, bona-fide dictator from Turkmenistan. And a brutal motherfucker he is, too. Clearly, Jenny-from-the-Block can’t read. And somewhere, Chavecito is laughing. Not only at her, but at her clueless choreographer, too. PS: Aaaand she apologizes. But not before that gigantic cheque cleared the bank, I bet.

3. María Corina Fucking Machado. And speaking of talentless twits who hated the ‘Cito, how nice that Venezuela’s leading putschist is still up to her old tricks. Fortunately, failed coup attempts are all she’ll ever be able to lead. Nobody wants her for president of Venezuela, you see. All she knows how to do is sulk, pout, and blame the Cubans.

4. Guillermo Fucking Cochez. Meanwhile, in Panama, another putschist failure rears his oily head again. Yes, the same shitty ex-diplomat who circulated pictures of another man who he claimed was Chavecito, being intubated in hospital. This time, he claims Nicolás Maduro — the current president of Venezuela, and well known to have been born and raised in Caracas, where his Jewish ancestors arrived over 200 years ago — is secretly a Colombian! I just find it endlessly funny how all these people who spend more time in Miami, and don’t give a shit about Venezuela, spend so much time cooking up all this bullshit about people who are unquestionably legit. Have they nothing better to do? Like, oh, say, twiddling their thumbs?

5. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. If you ever wondered just how sore of losers the Religious Reich could be, here’s your answer. Since DOMA is now as good as dead, and same-sex marriage is moving forward in several states, this jackass is introducing a constitutional amendment to “protect” heterosexual marriage (note the quotes). Meanwhile, the evidence continues to mount that children raised by same-sex parents are not only NOT worse off than their peers, in many ways they’re actually doing better because their birth is no accident, and their parents have a stable, loving union. Won’t somebody think of the children — and STOP this “protect marriage” bullshit, already?

6. Krissi Fucking Biasiello. Looks like Paula Deen’s not the only racist in the big ol’ greasy kitchen of FUX. This chef-show contestant hates the NBA because white guys can’t jump, and thinks sex with a black guy is “rape” unless the woman’s on top. Yup, FUX sure has a way of picking the winners…pronounced WIENERS.

7. John Fucking Kasich. While Wendy Davis and a crowd of angry, fantastic women were busy saving the day in Texas, Ohio slid under the radar with a bill that’s even worse, and the women of that state are now oh, SO fucked. Thanks a pantload, guvnor…and watch your neck next election day, because you are about to learn what it’s like to be run out of town on a rail. BY WOMEN.

8. James Fucking Dobson. Oh noes! Same-sex marriage will destroy “the entire superstructure of society” — and by that, he means his own way of making easy money off the guilty consciences of closet cases too scared to come out. Actually, you know what? If that’s what the “superstructure of society” is, it fucking DESERVES to collapse. Because a society built on bigotry and hypocrisy is unlivable — and doomed to collapse anyway.

9. Dana Fucking Loesch. If anyone ever believed that FUX Snooze’s token brunette would be any smarter than its herd of identical bubble-headed blondes, worry not…this one is every bit as fucking stupid, if not more so. I’m sure that’s cold comfort to all the smart blondes out there trying to fight the channel’s reinforcement of their unearned image, but it’s true. And, that said: Using Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech to uphold paranoid white gun nuts’ bullshit privileges as though they were rights is not only fucking stupid, it’s also cynical as all hell. And, oh yeah: RACIST.

10. Brit Fucking Hume. And while we’re on the subject of FUX Snooze’s bubbleheaded “personalities” (note the quotes), even the middle-aged males are no smarter than their young females. Case in point: Ol’ White Power here. At this rate, the GOP can stop wondering why their “message” isn’t resonating with blacks, Latinos, or immigrants of any color. All they need to do is turn the TV on to their favorite network and look at themselves in the mirror. That is, if that’s not asking too much of them in the way of introspection and self-awareness.

11. Jim Fucking DeMint. So, women WANT to be FORCED to have unnecessary ultrasounds at an anti-choice “pregnancy centre”, when they’ve already decided on abortion? Yeah, that makes a shitload of sense. Just like men wanting to be forced to have a prostate exam when they’re in for a Viagra ‘scrip. Or perhaps a penile exam, accompanied by barely muffled laughter. Which, I think, ought to be forced on HIM, just so he has a better idea of just how humiliating that sort of thing is for us (although, to be frank, it still gives NO sense of the amount of emotional distress also involved).

12. Matt Fucking Barber. Oh, da poor persecuted widdle wingnut. Somebody please tell him that he won’t be arrested for holding on to shitty, outmoded beliefs…only for acting shittily on them. And in the meantime, he’ll be shunned. Which, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what all those wingnutty religious sects do to anyone who refuses to conform to THEIR beliefs, anyway? So, he’ll be on the other side of that coin for a change. WAAAAAAAAAA!

13. Les Fucking Kinsolving. And speaking of shitty, outmoded wingnuts, how about him? He’s afraid that necrophiliacs will soon be able to marry corpses. Correct me again if I’m wrong, but…isn’t that already happening to those who believe that remarriage, even in the event of widowhood, is ADULTERY???

14. Paul Fucking Scalia. I don’t know what disturbs me more: the fact that anyone considered Antonin Fucking Scalia worth sleeping with, or the fact that she had a son by him. Oh wait, I know! It’s the fact that said son is a repugnant, puritanical, homophobic chip off the ol’ repugnant, puritanical, homophobic block! And even better: He’s a priest, advocating for “permanent celibacy” for the queers. Hmmmmm.

15. Timothy Fucking Dolan. And while we’re on the subject of repugnant, puritanical, homophobic, etc., get a load of the cardinal of New York. Hiding money in a cemetery fund (!) so that Catholic sexual-abuse victims wouldn’t be able to lay claim to it in their lawsuits against the church! Hey, who said you can’t take it with you? $57 million says you can…ka-CHING!

16. Howard Fucking Haralson. Y’know, one really has to wonder what kind of bribe would make a judge hand a six-year-old girl, who hasn’t seen her father practically since she was conceived, over to said father…who also happens to have been convicted of sexually molesting a six-year-old in the past. And to decide that the girl’s mother, who’s been trying her damnedest to shield the little one from that predator, is a “bad mother” just because she can’t remember all the names of the doctors the girl has seen in order to correct a birth defect. Hmmmm…mom who knocked herself out caring for little girl, or pedophile dad who expressed no interest in her until she reached the same age as his previous victim? Yeah…HARD decision, yeronner.

17 and 18. Kevin Fucking Swanson and Dave Fucking Buehner. Yup, the dynamic duo of dumbth made the cut again this week…by suggesting that the DOMA decision legalizes marriages between people and inanimate objects. Hey guys, if you love your stupidity so much, why don’t you marry it? You can…NOW. Bwahahahahaha.

19. Rod Fucking Parsley. No, Mr. Herb Garnish, no chip implants for humans yet. And no plans for them in the future, either. Now stop harping on that imaginary threat, and find something real to get exercised about, before I chop you up and throw you in some soup.

20. Thor Fucking Halvorssen. Oh, what a sad time it must be for him…his beloved Wanker #2 “sang” for Turkmenbashi, and now he’s got his silk boxers all in a knot about it. Hey, Thor? Next time, wear them around your neck. You’re no more about human rights than J-Lo is about singing. After all, it was YOUR dipshit petition that she signed against Chavecito, remember?

21 and 22. Den Fucking Trumbull and Rick Fucking Wiles. Like so many other professional homophobes this week, they were left scrambling for ways to go on justifying their increasingly marginalized stance. And they found one, and it involves (a) Godwin violations galore, and (b) anti-science claiming that “science is being left behind”…by actual scientists. Tune in next week, when their heads start to spin, spit up pea soup, and explode!

23 and 24. Samy and Amy Fucking Bouzaglo. Uh..guys? Making your employees sign a contract which is at odds with labor law does NOT make your unethical business practices legal. Or ethical. It might, however, make you look even more fucking deranged than you already are. And even less desirable as prospective employers…even in the current craptacular economy.

25. Paula Fucking Deen. OMFG, she’s looking to have a big gay plantation wedding for realz. Or something. I’m not sure what this latest legal challenge is actually supposed to do, but if it’s damage control, she’s doin it rong.

26, 27 and 28. David Fucking Barton, Rick Fucking Green, and Danny Fucking Holliday. Same-sex marriage violates the church/state separation? Nuh-unh, sparky. What is this, Opposite Week? Oh yeah, what am I saying…it’s ALWAYS Opposite Week in Right Wingnuttia.

29. John Fucking McCain. If you ever wonder why all the most vociferous defenders of rape culture are older men, quit fucking wondering. I can tell you from personal experience, at university and beyond, that those guys are the ones most likely to try to take advantage of women, especially trusting, inexperienced young ones…and do everything in their power to make sure that THAT privilege never dies. They have all inculcated their sons with those same anti-values, too. So it’s hardly surprising that they’re out there wailing and flailing about how anti-rape campaigns are “de-eroticizing” the world, on and off campus. After all, that’s their meat market that the nasty, uppity wimmin are interfering with!

30. Robert Fucking Knight. Blah blah blah blah FUCKING QUEERS blah blah blah blah BLACK-ROBED HATE GROUP blah blah blah blah GOD GOD GOD blah blah blah blah TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE blah blah blah blah SUPREME COURT PERVERTED blah blah blabbity blah blah.

31. Mark Fucking O‘Mara. No, you cannot has acquittal. Especially not after the way you went after Trayvon Martin’s mom on the stand, claiming that her son caused his own death. At the hands of your fucking client, motherfucker. And his own mother identified the screaming for help on the 911 tape as his voice, too. At long last, motherfucker — HAVE YOU NO FUCKING SHAME???

32. Joe Fucking Kernen. Yeah, I’m an “enviro-socialist”. No, it is NOT a cult; it’s a legitimate political viewpoint, and an accurate one. And I will thank you to stop saying that like it’s a bad thing, because it’s not. The bad thing is being a polluting plutocrat. Like Y-O-U, fuckhead.

33. David Fucking Brooks. I have yet to meet an Egyptian (and I’ve met several) who lacks “the basic mental ingredients” for anything. On the other hand, ol’ Wavy Gravy Davey seems a few teacups shy of a full service everytime I read one of his drivellings…on ANYTHING. Basic mental ingredients: He no haz them.

34. Peter Fucking Kent. Why?

That’s why. He (or more likely, his hired flunkie) forgot to switch over to a dummy Twitter account before tooting the horn for him.

35. Chris Fucking Koster. He wants to bring back the gas chamber in Missouri? Oh goodie! Y’know, I think that would be a great idea…for anyone who still supports the death penalty. Congrats, Chris, you get to be first in line!

36. John Fucking Kerry. While Egypt was burning, the man who handed the 2004 election to Dubya and his band of thieves was fiddling…on his yacht. The war hero turned anti-war protester is now about as useful as tits on a bull. Remind me again of why you’re in the State Dept., John. And when you’re done with that, can you tell me if you were for the coup before you were against it, or vice versa?

37. Adam Fucking Kokesh. Y’know, repeatedly breaking the law on the streets of your nation’s capital is really not a good idea. Especially not if the “point” is to prove that “law-abiding” gun owners are, like, super fucking duper law-abiding, and just to prove it, they’re gonna have themselves a million-moron gun-nut “revolution”, complete with loaded guns on the streets of a city where that’s not fucking allowed.

38. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Oh surprise! Ol’ Rupee not only knew about the way his “journalists” were hacking and spying, but now he’s got a floppy ol’ hate-boner for the law, too. This cannot go any way but well.

39. Ted Fucking Baehr. Awwww. Looks like the Religious Reich has Teh Butthurt over the fact that the latest unnecessary remake of the Lone Ranger isn’t cram-jammed with their brand of propaganda. Look at all the fucks that nobody else gives!

40. Scott Fucking Walker. Does somebody want a binky? Preferably shoved up his ass, unlubed? I’m guessing so, since Snotty Scotty Wanker just signed another unnecessary ultrasound re-rape bill into law. Legal challenges coming right down, in 5…4…3…2…

41. George Fucking Zimmerman. He smirked and snurked while on trial for murder. FOR MURDER. Keep giggling, Georgie…we’ll see who laughs last when you’re found guilty, guilty, GUILTY.

42. Aaron Fucking Schock. Yeah, sure, dude, we believe you’re straight. That’s why you’re working overtime to deny civil rights to LGBTs in your district, eh? Well, Mary, I hear a little pink tutu-clad skeleton dancing the Watusi in your closet, to a steady 200 bpm beat from my whooping gaydar. Better watch it before it does damage to your faaaabulous wardrobe, eh?

43. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Think the British class system is dead? Not so…it lives on in this obvious bleach blonde, with her obvious fake tan and her obvious croc-print dress, with her obvious posh accent and her awfully obvious snobbery regarding children’s names. Also her obvious utter lack of a sense of irony. And her obvious, obvious twattitude.

44. Russ Fucking Hiebert. Union-busting SupposiTory gets his very cherry-picky union-busting poll paid for by a union-busting “nonprofit” group. Gee! What a fucking coinkydink! It’s just like my German mom says…”one hand washes the other”. Yes. Yes, it does.

45. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Meanwhile, in other SupposiTory hand-washing news, Pammy-pie has quit all those boards where she sat making lots and lots of pin money in defiance of conflict-of-interest law. Not to mention influence peddling. Well. I guess that makes it all better now, doesn’t it?

46. Jim Fucking Standridge. Shorter: WAAAAAAAAA! Pay attention to me! I’m somebody! Don’t you DARE fall asleep on me! I hate you! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

47. William Fucking Eacho. The US ambassador to Austria has some ‘splainin’ to do as to how he came to be giving the order for Evo’s plane to land in Vienna, under pain of a shoot-down, to conduct a search (which did not take place) for a man who wasn’t on board. Since when does the US send the officials of a foreign country to do its dirty work? Since, oh — when the fuck was the Monroe Doctrine written, again? And when the hell did it start applying to Europe?

48 and 49. Robin Fucking Thicke and Justin Fucking Timberlake. Got no talent? Look like a cheeseball? Need to liven things up before people start to wonder why you’re even there? Get more sexism! Throw in all the rapey PUA shit and gratuitous boobage you can. Brag about the size of your cocktail wienie. Hell, who’ll ever notice? Certainly not the Cheeto-fed masses who think this crapola passes for culture.

50. Clayton Fucking Morris. Once more, with feeling: Read the Treaty of Tripoli! The US is NOT a Christian nation, and the Fourth of July is NOT a religious holiday! Jesus H. Christ, how stupid does one have to be to believe such things? Is this guy one of those who believed that dinosaurs existed in Genesis, too? Theocracy is NOT democracy, people.

And finally, to the Fucking Wall Street Journal — which has finally and truly earned itself the name of Wall Street URINAL. Egypt “needs a Pinochet” like I need an extra vagina. Pinochet, in case you’ve forgotten, fucking RUINED Chile in every conceivable way, including making abortion illegal even for an 11-year-old who got raped, and whose life may be in danger. He fucked the economy on all fronts, he killed democracy (he didn’t “midwife” a goddamn fucking thing!), he “disappeared” thousands of ordinary Chileans, he ordered the murder of the great Víctor Jara, and even two innocent US citizens weren’t safe from his goon squads. And the Urinal talks about all this as though it were “necessary”? For what — fucking Egypt up the Suez Canal? What a crock of utter bullshit. But then, what do we expect of a crapitalist rag? Fascism, as I so often say, isn’t capitalism plus murder; it’s capitalism minus gloves.

Good night, and get fucked!