Wankers of the Week: Ho Lee Fuk and the Tampons of Terror

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Jeez, my header sounds like a bent Harry Potter novel. Well, how about that great seething pool of insanity to the south of us, kiddies? It really outdid itself this week, spewing up everything from murder trials gone haywire to…well, pieces of cotton on strings. And here’s what else came belching up out of the toilet at me this week, in no particular order:

1. Rick Fucking Perry. This was Crotch’s week for wankin’, and by dang, he up and made the most of it, since he’s now retiring and means to go out with a bang. And who but the biggest dick-wrangler in Texas (with the least impressive dick to wrangle) would come up with a way of trying to spin an insult as a “compliment”? If he thinks Wendy Davis should be proud that her mother didn’t abort her, then I’m gonna go right ahead and say that he should be ashamed that his daddy didn’t whack off in the shower on the night HE was conceived. Compliment, Crotch! PS: And don’t forget to make room for Wendy. Ha, ha. PPS: And fuck your profiteering sister, too.

2. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Riddle me this: How do high student loan interest rates do anything about joblessness? Obvious answer: THEY DON’T. The same bankers who are overcharging for student loans are also making a killing, directly and indirectly, on keeping as many people out of work as possible. And look! There’s that ol’ 47% canard that sunk Mittens and his presidential campaign, too. How much did Bowtie Boy pay for HIS education, again? Whatever it is, it was too much. He’s still dumb as a fucking brick.

3. John Fucking Inverdale. Usually I ignore tennis (as I do most sports, most of the time). But it was kind of hard to ignore this blatant bit of sexist lookism. Since when does a Wimbledon champ have to be model-pretty? She’s not hitting the ball with her face — or this assclown’s boner — is she? And that makes me wonder: Do female sports commentators spend so much time dissecting the looks of the guys? If they do, I’ve never heard it.

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4. Pat Fucking Robertson. So, Patwa thinks Facebook needs a “vomit” button for pictures of gay guys kissing? I think it needs one for stories about him wanking. Like this one, for instance. Or this one.

5. Charles Fucking Saatchi. First he assaults his wife publicly in a restaurant, at one point grabbing her by the throat. Now he’s divorcing her. Why? Because she didn’t stand loyally by and cover for him like she was supposed to, and back up his claim that it was just a “playful tiff”. Sure, and all “playful tiffs” end up with tears and terror in the eyes of those whose throats get oh-so-playfully grabbed, eh? Nigella, you’re well rid of him.

6. Luke Fucking Pruitt. Not only is he a dog-molester, but he nearly became a child molester, as well. Luckily, his girlfriend (the mother of the four-month-old in question) refused to let him do that. Let’s hope he’s denied visitation rights when he gets out of prison…that is, assuming he gets out alive. As one of my friends noted when I posted this to Facebook, he has all the makings of a prison bitch.

7. Kenneth Fucking Webster Fucking Enlow. Why the double Fucking? Because this dude’s a double shithead. In the literal sense, since he was down a toilet peeping at women when they came to use the john (and he was covered in shit when arrested); and in the figurative sense, for thinking anyone would buy the excuse that his girlfriend was really to blame. Oh sure, like she MADE him a filthy, disgusting voyeur by hitting him on the head with a tire iron…which, by the way, didn’t actually happen.

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8. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Hate something a Democrat is doing? Compare it to Soviet Russia. Because that’s where everybody immigrated to before it broke up, right?

9. Sarah Fucking Lacy. Sorry, sweetie, but your beloved libertarian “meritocracy” is BULLSHIT. You’re inconvenienced by a transit strike? That’s funny, because nobody seriously gives a shit whether your much-hyped start-up lives or dies, and won’t be inconvenienced by its sudden death (from lack of market interest!) in the least. Especially not public transit workers, who have been unionized and working hard at it since before your entitled ass was born, and who haven’t a hope in hell of falling into the pots of easy money that silly — oh sorry, “innovative” — start-ups just somehow seem to stumble into all the time, whether they actually MERIT the cash or not.

10. Jeffrey Fucking Kuhner. Is that a whiff of mothballs I smell? Must be. How else to explain the idea that there is a homo-sex-you-all agenda, and that it has something to do with that other phantom of the right-wing anxiety closet, Cultural Marxism…a philosophy which doesn’t exist, by the way, since Marxism is an economic philosophy, and I never read a single word of Marx on how LGBT rights is supposed to figure into THAT. Much less sound the death knell of “human nature”, whatever the hell THAT is supposed to mean.

11. Orson Scott Fucking Card. Shorter: Please tolerate my intolerance while I go right on not tolerating you.

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12. Rick Fucking Scott. Is Teh Stoopid a job requirement for all Repugnican governors, or just those of Florida? Because dang, banning all Internet cafés, computers AND cellphones? That takes a special kind of dumbth to do.

13. Boris Fucking Johnson. So, women go to university to find husbands, eh? Well, Haystack, how do you explain the fact that I went twice, got two degrees…and am still single (mostly by choice) after all this time? Oh dear, could it be that some women really DO go looking for an education, and not an MRS degree? Blimey.

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. What’s this? A rare moment of truth from the Pigman? Why yes, it is! He actually told a caller to stop listening to FUX Snooze. Unfortunately, his epiphany did not extend as far as himself, and he’s easily as fucked-up as FUX. So, all in all, it’s a self-awareness FAIL. PS: And he backpedals. Another fail! PPS: Oh lalalalala. The Pigman thinks exercise is a “left-wing conspiracy”. Exhibit A: Michelle Obama. Well, at least he’s not calling her “Moochelle”, like a lot of other right-wing assholes who hate strong black women. Probably because to throw that stone would shatter the walls of his own very fragile glass house.

15. Antonio Fucking Luciano. Kiss your mother with that mouth, Tony? Jayzus.

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16. Glenn Fucking Beck. How the hell does one fake a critical health condition, to the point where even emergency physicians are fooled? I don’t know, but I’m sure Biffy Boo-Hoo-Hoo-I’m-Gonna-Go-Blind does.

17. Robert Fucking Gagnon. He thinks that gays are only half male? I can see he’s only a half-wit. Also, the smell of mothballs is strong with this one.

18. Adam Fucking Pollock. Gee, that George Fucking Zimmerman sure has a way of surrounding himself with fascinatingly awful people. This one’s a mixed martial arts instructor, and yet both he and his prize pupil are, as a martial artist friend pointed out in a convo on Facebook this week, massive fucking wimps. What else can you say about someone who’s supposedly proficient in hand-to-hand combat and self-defence techniques, but ultimately reliant on weapons?

19. Ed Fucking Emery. So, if being gay is “more offensive and dangerous than smoking”, why does it not cause air pollution? Or emphysema? Or, in this dude’s case, Teh Stoopid?

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20. Tom Fucking Corbett. Oh look! Women who use the state healthcare system in Pennsylvania are “moochers”, and so, by extension, are their children. But the governor of the state, whose healthcare is entirely paid for out of the public purse? Oh nooooo, not a moocher at ALL!

21. Justin Fucking Bieber. That long, long, too fucking long slide into obscurity continues apace for Stratford’s least popular native son. Pissing in a restaurant kitchen AND dissing Bill Clinton? I would ask what drugs one has to be on, but I think I already know: Narcissism, with a stupidity chaser.

22. Jodie Fucking Laubenberg. Not only does she not know what the real purpose of a rape kit is (NOT to “clean you right out” and prevent unwanted pregnancy), she also doesn’t understand the meaning of prenatal care. Wrap your heads around that if you can, people: She believes “pre-born babies”, i.e. FETUSES, should be forced to birth no matter what, but she doesn’t believe in giving them, or their mothers (who may or may not be willing) any care. At all. Whatsofuckingever. I have to ask: Was she dropped on her head when she was born? Or is her stupidity down to a lack of prenatal care on her own mother’s part?

23. Larry Fucking Klayman. The military coup in Egypt seems to have left Crazy Larry with a boner for illegal régime change. Not in Egypt, mind you, but at home. This is the same freak, BTW, who thought that Chavecito should also be deposed because he led a failed military uprising in 1992. Inconsistent much?

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24 and 25. Kevin Fucking Swanson and Dave Fucking Buehner, AGAIN. If Colorado is really such a fucking hellhole now, why don’t they just move to Iran? There, they’d have all the puritanical theocracy they could possibly want and then some.

26. Dennis Fucking Root. George Fucking Zimmerman is in worse shape than the kid he killed? Somehow, I find that awfully hard to believe. Because, y’know, being dead is about the worst shape a person CAN be in.

27. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. An 11-year-old girl was raped for two years, and is now pregnant. And what does Piñochetera think of that? It’s great! She wants to keep the baby! Rah rah pro-life! Never mind that giving birth could fucking kill her. Never mind that the pregnancy is the product of rape by her common-law stepfather. No, the important thing is that a child who isn’t done playing with dolls yet now gets a living “doll” to play with. She knows nothing about bearing or caring for children, but hey! None of that matters to Piñochetera. And why should it, since Augusto Pinochet’s ideological son will never have to bear responsibility for that child — or HER child — in any way.

28. David Fucking Barton. Hey, let it never be said that the Religious Reich will never progress. This one has progressed to not even needing his religion or its scriptures as an excuse to lie and make shit up. Which is great, because Jesus hates liars and hypocrites anyway.

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29. Matt Fucking Barber. Satan doesn’t exist. How the fucking hell can he be pro-choice? Simple. The same way he exists: only in the feverish imaginations of idiots and assholes.

30. Sandy Fucking Rios. “Promiscuous” men may have indirectly benefited from the abortion rights movement (in that they can get away with sleeping around and not have to stare down a former girlfriend’s daddy’s loaded shotgun anymore), but trust me, honey, they are NOT behind it. A lot of them couldn’t care less whether a woman has an abortion or not, as long as she doesn’t come to them asking for money. You want to know who’s really behind abortion rights? WOMEN…and most of them are also mothers (or will be, someday).

31. Penny Fucking Nance. Blah blah blah ABORTION blah blah blah blah WORSE THAN THE HOLOCAUST blah blah blah yarglebargle flippity flarp.

32. Peter Fucking Ratcliff. Being gay is like smoking? Yeah, right, Mary. Now go outside and let the wind blow that stench of mothballs off you.

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33. Edward Fucking Burkhardt. He just found out the hard way that cost-cutting is no way to go through life (or a little town like Lac-Mégantic). But has he learned anything? Oh HELL no! He hasn’t even learned how to fake compassion convincingly. Meanwhile, the fruits of his cost-cutting, privatize-the-railroads agenda could not be more obvious: 24 people known dead, and as many as 50 dead in all. No tears for them; only lame, lame excuses and endless self-justifications. See what you get for rewarding corporate psychopathy, society?

34. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Shut up, you fucking racist. Don’t you have a mobster’s vault to break into, or something?

35. Jason Fucking Kenney. Y’know, if you guys are gonna go around bad-mouthing North Korea, the least you could do is open the door for refugees from there. But since you don’t, well, guess what that makes you? PS: This doesn’t help you either. Dissing David Suzuki? You really are an asswipe.

36. Virginia Fucking Heffernan. Ever wonder why I don’t take the phrase “conservative intellectual” as anything but an oxymoron? Wonder no more; just behold the elaborate stoopid in action as she tries to justify creationism, and fails.

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37 and 38. James Fucking Knight and the Fucking Iowa State Supreme Court. She’s too sexy for that job? Too sexy for that job? Goodbye, sexist slob.

39. Steve Fucking Doocy. Forcing Wal-Mart to pay workers a living wage is the “death of free enterprise”? Well, good. Bring it, bitch. Also, Costco is eating War-Mart’s lunch…by NOT forcing their workers to rely on food stamps. How do you like THEM apples?

40. Mark Fucking O’Mara. Still going with the “thug” bullshit angle in the Trayvon Martin murder trial, I see. He’s really relying on fear of tall skinny black boys here, isn’t he?

41. Tom Fucking Barry. I’m shocked that the Irish parliament has an open bar on the premises. And that working drunk as a skunk and pulling female colleagues down for an impromptu lap-dance during a debate on abortion is somehow normal there, apparently.

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42. Ted Fucking Nugent. Not only is he “mulling” a run for president (no doubt from the safety of his own poop-stained pants), he’s also a racist who thinks brown people are “feral hogs” in need of “gunning down”. A taste of his own medicine would be nothing less than fitting at this point.

43. George Fucking Simpson. No, the Lincoln Tunnel is NOT a good place to whack off in full sight of a busload of passengers. Didn’t all the sounds of disgust from behind your ass tell you as much?

44. Karen Fucking Straughan. Well, well…what have we here? Rape apologia, “cleverly” disguised as a “Men’s Rights” campaign that crudely parodies a very effective anti-rape campaign. And they even put a woman out front, to make it look like this is somehow all about “fairness”! (Note all the quotes; there for a reason.) Hey, girl…how does it feel to be the skirt that a bunch of cowardly guys are hiding behind so that no one can confront them and challenge their rapey shit? How does it feel to know you’re wasting valuable energy defending violent criminals? Well, don’t worry, dear…it’s just a matter of time before they turn on you like they did on Kristina Hansen. They don’t like women, and that means they don’t like YOU.

45 and 46. Paul Fucking Elam and John Fucking Hembling. Same link as their minion, #44. Don’t believe for one minute that we don’t know who (or WHAT) is really behind this widdle “awareness” campaign of yours, fellas. And I do hope you enjoy being sued by SAVE for copyright infringement, and SOON.

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47. Erick Fucking Erickson. Well, at least this dim fuckbulb is just bright enough to acknowledge that the criminalization of abortion will lead to criminal use of wire coathangers. Perhaps he’ll get lucky and someone will do a bit of amateur proctology on him using one, so he knows just what THAT feels like. (Or, as one of my friends suggested: amateur urology. I’ll leave the details of THAT to your imagination, dear reader.)

48 and 49. The two fucking Popes. In stereo, they inform us that same-sex marriage is immoral. And in stereo, we straight and queer folk together are singing this lovely little ditty, just for them.

50. Rick Fucking Santorum. Some say love, it is a river. Some say love, it is a razor. Icky Ricky says love, it is a movement. Of his buttsploodge-filled bowels? You fucking betcha.

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And finally, to the Fucking Texas Legislature. With, of course, the notable exceptions of Wendy Davis, Leticia Van De Putte, and all the women Democrats, who did their best to stop the anti-choice insanity. It got so bad that women couldn’t even bring menstrual supplies into the state capitol for “fear” that the dimwits down on the floor would be pelted with pads and ‘pons from the Peanut Gallery. Come to think of it…I wish they were! What a bunch of wusses, scared of some soft padded things that usually only see the nether regions of a lady, and which, in any event, can’t kill…unlike, oh, say, guns and ammo, both of which ARE allowed on the premises. Prepare to dine in hell, fellas, the women are coming for your asses. The only thing left for you to do now is ban women. (Don’t take that as a suggestion, it will NOT go well for you.)

Good night, and get fucked!

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