Wankers of the Week: Crappy Birthday to me

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy birthday to the pixel-stained wretch who keeps this humble blog. She’s a rickety old thing, but she just keeps creakin’ along. And these wankers just keep on wankin’…in no particular order:

1. Lauren Fucking Green. Yes, Muslims CAN write books on Jesus. They consider him a prophet and a teacher, after all. And yes, their religion permits them to have opinions — INFORMED opinions, yet! Why is this so goddamned shocking? Next thing you know, the FUX Snoozers will be shocked, SHOCKED that Muslims are educated enough to read and write, and modern enough to work a cellphone. Who are the REALLY backward people?

2. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Speaking of backward people who know fuck-all about Muslims, the Pigman decided to blame Huma Abedin’s religion for her husband’s predilection for sending pix of his own schlong to women other than herself. Because of course, the Christian thing to do is always blame the woman for whatever her man does. PS: Ha, ha. See what happens when you piss so many people off that they start voting with their wallets…against YOU? Let it never be said that the free market isn’t good for something, sometimes.

3. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yup, Biff’s a Nazi. Was there ever any doubt? I think he keeps that ol’ uniform around for something way beyond its “historical” significance (which is nil). I think he’s a wannabe Führer who, at the very least, likes to play dress-up in it. That’s not kinky, that’s perverted.

4. Mark Fucking Kessler. Boohoohoo, poor oppressed little racist rightard. He claims he’s under attack. While I doubt that very much, I think that if anyone deserves to be taking flak, it’s him. After all, HE started it with the “libtards” shit, the death threats, and the gun nuttery. Oh, and Mark? You’re not a circus clown, that’s true. Circus clowns are at least somewhat entertaining. You’re not. You are, however, very much a deranged lunatic. If the shoe fits — WEAR IT. PS: Ha, ha. FINALLY!

5. Brooke Fucking Goldstein. Hey Einstein, if Huma Abedin is such an unattractive Islamist terrorist, why did a Jewish guy marry her, again? Her background was not exactly unknown, and clearly Hillary Rodham Clinton thought her trustworthy, so it’s kind of hard for her to have “ties” to anyone suspicious. Anyway, why are you blaming the victim? Nobody MAKES their partner cheat. I would tell you to start making sense, but since you’re a FUX Snooze contributor, it’s obvious that you don’t intend to start anytime soon.

6. Dave Fucking Morin. Whatever the hell a “hyperloop” is, it’s not going to replace anything anytime soon. And as for God’s will, you don’t know that. But thanks again for making Silicon Valley the laughingstock of the Internets.

7. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Talk about your fish stories! The perennially shirtless Pooty-Poot (he’s single again now, ladies!) decided to vastly inflate (like, by more than double) the weight of the 20-pound pike he allegedly caught. And then he snogged the fish. In post-Soviet Russia, fish catch YOU.

8. Oliver Eric Fucking Rawlings. How’s it feel to get your Twitter trolling tossed back in your face? And do you kiss your mother with that (now badly bruised) mouth? If only ALL the trolls who slammed women this week could get the treatment this one got…sigh.

9. Sid J. Fucking Gautreaux. Pardon me, but isn’t it a sheriff’s job to ENFORCE the law, not WRITE it? Why yes, it is. So, then, why in the holy fuck of shit did this one not get the memo that it’s now legal to be gay in Louisiana, and has been for quite some time? And that police entrapment of consenting gay adults is illegal, not to mention a ridiculous waste of police resources?

10. Bill Fucking Bentley. And the Flaming Pants Award goes to…the RCMP, for being scared of a frustrated, lost Polish guy standing around empty-handed. And tasering him to death. And then lying about it, even though it was all caught on video. This guy in particular, though, because the fucker got away with murder. AND perjury. A badge really IS a licence to do anything these days.

11. Robert Fucking Spencer. Obviously, this dude is NOT a scholar of religion, much less one with “exactly the same credentials as Reza Aslan”. If he were, he’d understand that the word “jihad” does NOT mean what he thinks it means (and wants us all to think it means, too.)

12. Mitt Fucking Romney. Oh look, now Mittens is denying that he said what he is very clearly on record as saying! Mittens, do the world a favor: Get the fuck out of politics. You’re too fucking dishonest for even that, incredible as that may sound. Go on, fade into obscurity and count your moneybags, and never be seen or heard from again. Shove yourself down the ol’ Memory Hole. There’s a good boy.

13. Glenn Fucking Reynolds. Speaking of denial, Instapissant is trying to cover the Repugs’ asses very lamely…by claiming it’s the DEMS who are making war on women. Um, WHAT? Last time I looked, not a single Democrat was trying to police women’s bodies with anti-choice legislation, or keeping birth control out of insurance coverage, or defunding Planned Parenthood. But hey! Why let facts get in the way of a perfectly good projection?

14. Vitaly Fucking Milonov. In case anyone wonders why there’s a massive boycott planned for the Sochi Olympics next year (and all things Russian, right now), here’s a clue-by-four. And may it land right upside this and all the other Russian government homophobes’ despicable heads. And if he’s going to claim that any US and German politicians agreed with Russia’s stance on gay athletes and spectators, I think it’s only fair that he be asked to name names, so that I can shame shames. After all, those wankers aren’t going to list themselves here, y’know…

15. Robin Fucking Thicke. Dude. You are NOT a feminist. You’re a blandly crappy singer, the son of a blandly crappy actor, and your schtick is getting stale. Fuck the hell off, already.

16. Barbara Fucking Morgan. Yeah, I get it…Anthony Fucking Weiner’s mayoral campaign is not exactly going well. But that’s not because some expletive-deleted intern violated a non-disclosure agreement…it’s because HE did, and it’s called HIS MARRIAGE.

17. Sandy Fucking Rios. Oh dears, looks like somebody’s astroturf roll came up a little short. Only a small handful people showed up for the “ex-gay pride” march that was supposed to be “thousands” strong. Oh, only thousands? As opposed to the hundreds of thousands (if not MILLIONS) who show up to REAL gay pride marches? Be sure to stick around for the funniest part, when Sandy whines that ex-gays are “in the closet”. Yes. Yes, they are. Ha, ha.

18. Bill Fucking Donohue. If same-sex marriage is so “bizarre”, riddle me this: Why did the early Christian church perform same-sex weddings?

19. Riley Fucking Cooper. Oh look, someone thinks he’s a macho cowboy for white supremacy at the country concert. That’s cute. Let’s see how many “niggers” he fights when he’s back on the ol’ gridiron, ha ha.

20. George Fucking Zimmerman. Well, well. Look who turned up in Texas…speeding like a fucking maniac. With a gun on him. And look who got let off with a warning. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the FBI themselves call for him to NOT be allowed to possess any more firearms?

21. Licia Fucking Corbella. No, Cory Monteith did NOT die because there is a safe-injection site in Vancouver. Shockingly, heroin is available ON THE STREET. And since Monteith was so famous, and his face so easily recognized, it’s probable that he didn’t even buy it himself, much less turn up to a safe-injection site to use it. Yes, Licia, these things CAN happen in Canada. Stop looking so shocked, and stop ginning up fauxtrage, and above all, STOP WRITING FUCKING CRAPAGANDA. (I shan’t hold my breath, either, for the magical day the Calgary Herald wakes up to the fact that addiction is a disease, not a moral failure on the part of society.)

22. Justin Fucking Bieber. He’s now averaging at least one major wank a week, and this week, it’s practically literal: He rubbed a fan’s cellphone on his crotch, and then threw it at another fan. Please, let next week’s one NOT be a dick-pic.

23. Paul Fucking Bernardo. He applied for transfer to a medium-security facility? Um, this is our nation’s most notorious (still living) serial killer, people. Snowball’s chance in hell? Yup. I have a better idea: Release him into the general population, then see how badly he wants lower security.

24. Patrick Fucking Sharp. Talk about NOT living up to one’s surname, how about this one? He started a “White Student Union” at Georgia State. And says that those who oppose it are “ignorant and closed-minded”. Uh, yeah. Next up: How racist it is to point out that racists are racist. Followed by a lengthy disquisition on how hooded sheets are actually a sign that you’re an oppressed minority.

25. Peter Fucking LaBarbera. MLK would “be rolling in his grave” over LGBT rights, sez he. O RLY? Bayard Rustin was gay. MLK knew. And never gave him a hard time about it. Oops! There goes THAT widdle theory.

26. Rudolph Fucking Randa. Granting the Roman Catholic Church — quite possibly the richest church in Christendom — immunity from lawsuits by sexual abuse victims? That’s a gold-plated fucking wank right there. Let’s hope this ruling is overturned, and soon.

27. Bryan Fucking Fischer. I’m sorry. I WAS going to say something snarky about a bible-thumper who believes Jesus is the force that holds sub-atomic particles together, and who thinks that global warming is some kind of anti-scientific fantasy. But this sort of thing just parodies itself so damn well, I throw my hands up in defeat.

28. Ariel Fucking Castro. What a pity for his excuse-making that just this week, some scientists decided that sex addiction isn’t a real thing. And what an even greater pity that even if it were, he’d still not qualify, because he claims that those women he kidnapped and kept chained up in his house were having “consensual” sex with him. No. No, they were NOT. Prisoners don’t have consensual sex with jailers. Or creeps in Crocs.

29. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Not so long ago, gays didn’t get a choice if someone wanted to “cure” them with questionable “therapies”. But now, Maggie the Magnanimous has decided that they have a RIGHT to “ex-gay therapy” — even in the face of how much it hurts rather than helps! Isn’t that just so generous and open-minded of her? She and #27 should get together…and go to Russia.

30. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Meanwhile, John Jacob Jingleheimer has decreed that same-sex marriage has made his own suddenly worthless in the eyes of the state. Yes, and it’s also given my potatoes Colorado beetles. What can you do?

31. Matt Fucking Shea. Oh how nice, this nutty teabagger is a doomsday prepper! Remember the last time one of them made the news? Yeah…what could possibly go wrong, eh?

32. John Fucking Baird. Panic! PANIC!!! Terra! TERRA!!! Um, maybe now would be a good time to start disengaging ourselves from US foreign and domestic policy, instead of becoming part of their “homeland”. Ya think?

33. Abraham Fucking Cooper. Word to the wise, rebbe…NEVER FUCKING PISS OFF ROGER WATERS. Especially not by calling him anti-semitic. Or Jew-hating. Or anything else stupid based on his views of the Israeli government, which is not good for the Jews. (Or anyone else, for that matter.)

34. Ivan Fucking Garcia. Blow your trumpet with that mouth? Christ, you are one vile motherfucker. PS: Your poetry sucks. Why am I not surprised?

35. Ted Fucking Nugent. No, you’re not like a black Jew anywhere in 1938. You’re a brownshirt in the here and now, and a fucking idiot all the time, and the brown is from sitting in your own fecal matter. Now shut the fuck up!

36. The Fucking Texas Repugs. Yep, all of them. Pay for your own damn special sessions; YOU called them. Oh, and bow down to Wendy Davis; she’s gonna be your next governor. Tick, tock.

37. Anthony Fucking Weiner. No, NOT the ex-congresscritter running (or rather, stumbling) for mayor of New York. This one’s in Boston, and as luck would have it, he too is a failed sexter. The catch? He did it from his wife‘s phone, lured her lurid chatmate to another house, clonked him over the head, tied him up, and threatened him with various nasty implements (including power tools and a BB gun) until the poor guy threw up in fright. Yeah, I guess we could say he’s kind of a dick.

38. Roy Fucking Den Hollander. Much as I think the whole concept of “bottle service” is fucking ridiculous (and I would never go anyplace that “offered” it), this guy is even MORE fucking ridiculous. And yup, he’s an MRA: “If I’m hitting on some young girl at the club – and I won’t be hitting on an older one because they don’t look as good – if she knows how old I am I’m not going to be able to exploit her infinite capacity to delude herself into thinking I’m younger,” sez he. Dude, at 66, there is only so much younger a man CAN look (which, BTW, you DON’T!) Women young enough to be your granddaughter will simply NOT be interested in you, even if they are stinking of overpriced booze from every pore. And the way you talk doesn’t hold out much hope that your personality will salvage the situation, either. The clubs are right to bar you, and frankly ought to do so outright, without the bottled subterfuge. You’d only create a disturbance if you’re in there trying to shove your hand up some chick’s skirt or your nose down her blouse. Suck it up and learn how to lawn-bowl, pops. Because you sure as hell are NOT the Rosa Parks of cranky old farts. Or the Carrie Nation of ladies’ night.

39. Juan Fucking Tavera. Pepper spray on pizza? No, that’s NOT a good condiment. Safe to say that your next job after jail won’t be a the local Domino’s, eh?

40. The Fucking Ontario Legislature. Yes, that’s right…ALL of it. Banning a pro-Palestinian event in Toronto, a peaceful one? Just so as not to piss off Israel? What a colossal, cowardly fucking wank. Needless to say, there are protests going on. And rightly so

And finally, to the formerly anonymous Twitter trolls of Merry Olde England. You’re about to get a massive taste of your own misogynous medicine, boys. It will come in the form of social ostracism and a helluva hard time getting dates from now on. And if that shoe pinches on the other foot, good. I’m not going to waste any pity on you. After threatening the lives and safety of Stella Creasy, Caroline Criado-Perez, and Mary Beard, among others, a little exposure to fresh air and sunlight will do you a world of good. I hope you’ll be looking over your shoulders for fucking EVER.

Good night, and get fucked!