Wankers of the Week: Snark Week

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Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, seeing as it’s “Shark Week” on certain channels, we go hunting for the Great White Snark. It’s lurking all around us, and often right under our noses. And look! I see some fins circling now. And in no particular order, here they are:

1. Alan Fucking Thicke. If you want to know where his son got the douchebag genes, just take a look at the old man. He literally cannot see the sexism in a song (and video) that is all about the dirty old man on the porch, yelling at passing girls. That surname is a literal description of his skull, kiddies.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. And if you want to know just how much douchebaggery is in those genes, clicky the linky. And keep your barf bag close at hand.

3. Scott Fucking Hounsell. Anthony Weiner’s political career may well be toast at this point, thanks to his seriously stupid sexting habits. But at least Weiner only (deliberately) inflicted his schlong pix on adults. This stone-thrower’s glass house has considerably thinner walls, since he sent HIS dirty messages to a minor — a girl who is literally half his age. Isn’t that just so Repugnican? Too bad his name doesn’t lend itself nearly so well to dirty puns.

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4. Scott Fucking Pollock. I’m trying very hard to find le mot juste for guys who organize “gang bangs” for a living, but so far all I can come up with is pimps. And also, EWWWWWWWWWWWW.

5. Erick Fucking Erickson. And while we’re on the subject of schlubby gross sex-obsessed dudes and what to call them, how about this one? He called Wendy Davis an “Abortion Barbie”. I call him a maggot-infested side of rancid pork. Sorry, that’s not very concise…but you have to admit that it IS accurate.

6. Peter Fucking Dowling. On the other hand, I have no problem at all coming up with a fitting word for this dumb prick, who sent his mistress a photo of his penis in a glass of wine: PLONKER!

7. Richard Fucking Cohen. Breaking and entering for a bit of nookie — with Peter Jennings’ wife? Wow, the WaHoPo’s creepiest resident Dirty Old Man just entered a whole ‘nother level of creepitude by gratuitously sharing THAT shenanigan with the world. And just think, girls, this is the same greybeard who laments that no one less than half his age will look at him anymore, because they’re all too obsessed with the abs of the latest James Bond. Don’t you just feel so sorry for him?

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8. Pamela Fucking Geller. Shorter: WAAAAAAAAA! The York Regional Police won’t let me spout racism and bullshit with impunity in Canada! FREEZE PEACH!!! KILL ALL THE MUSLIMS!!!1111elebentyhundredeleben!!!

9. Eddie Fucking Lucio. Gloria Steinem once said that if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. But since it isn’t, obviously, some guys have to find other ways to fill their godless hours…and this one decided that the best way to do it would be to impose one more hoop for Texas women to jump through en route to an abortion. Like they didn’t already have way too fucking many.

10. Shimon Fucking Gapso. Yup, you’re a racist. And the state of Israel is an apartheid state. Now quit yer kvetchin’ and face reality. A major part of that reality is the irony of your own position, which is based solely on the content of a very dodgy and self-contradicting old book proclaiming itself to be “the law”. And “I have Arab friends, therefore I can’t be racist” is also ironic, considering what you’ve couched it in. The biggest irony of all is that your Arab friends find you tolerable when you get on your rickety high horse like that.

11. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh Patwa…reality-impaired as usual. No, killing someone in a video game is NOT the same as doing so in reality. If that were the case, I would have been a ghost-ridden teenage pillhead from playing Pac-Man. Sadly, I’m sane and sober…which is more than we can say for woo-woo Patwa.

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12. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer…ahem, sorry (not sorry). This one’s off the deep end, too. Instead of selling one’s clothes and buying a gun that would be absolutely fucking useless against the motherfucking US military, how about wearing your clothes and turning off hate radio? That would rather conveniently keep you from becoming a government target, too.

13. Barbara Fucking Hewson, again. Was she never 13 (years old, that is, not wanker number)? Was she never sexually assaulted? Because I remember all too clearly what I was like at that age, and it certainly wasn’t a sexual aggressor (furthest thing from it!). Worse, I was all too aware of guys who were old enough to be my father, or grandfather, creeping on me. The idea that girls go around routinely seducing poor helpless older men is just a pile of horseshit; even if they wanted to (and most, believe me, do NOT), doesn’t the bastard have any control over his own hands and zipper? And isn’t he old enough to just plain know better? And of all people who should know better than to blame a victim, shouldn’t a woman? And just think, kiddies, she’s a human rights attorney. If she has any sense of decency left, she should surrender her law licence. But what am I saying? Of course she won’t, because she doesn’t. Urrrrrgh.

14. Robert Fucking Colover. And just as a bookend to the foregoing, there’s him. How fucking obtuse does one have to be to believe that a teenage girl and a 41-year-old man are on a level playing field, and that she is therefore “fair game”? And just think, kiddies — this one was the prosecuting attorney in that rape case. If HE’s not clear on the concept, no one is. And that includes…

15. Nigel Fucking Peters. Yes, kiddies, that’s right. The JUDGE. Whose judgment is also apparently impaired by the concept of teen temptresses. Dare we speculate what kind of porn HE likes to watch?

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16. Bob Fucking Filner. Gee, isn’t it great to know that he’s so much more than just a grubby grabber who gropes everybody, including disabled Iraq veterans’ nurses? Yeah! He’s also a totally xenophobic racist. One could say he’s versatile that way.

17. Rhonney Fucking Jacobs. All cases of gun-totin’ road rage should end with a bloody self-inflicted gunshot wound to the nether regions. Don’t you agree?

18. Sandy Fucking Rios. Last week she wanked by claiming that gays are perverts like Ariel Castro; this week she wanks on her efforts to walk that back. Only, of course, she didn’t. She still thinks they’re perverts, but that they can choose to go straight. No. No, they can’t. And no. No, they aren’t. Which means that yes, she’s STILL a fucking wanker.

19. Gwen Fucking Landolt. For once, Squealer Baird does something a wee bit right. (Yes, I know. I’m just as shocked as you.) And does that make the mean matriarch of R.E.A.L. Women happy? No, because it’s full of Teh Ghey. And Teh Ghey is anathema maranatha, don’tcha know?

20. Robert Fucking Emmett. And people wonder why I spend so much of my time in pants? Two words: UPSKIRT VIDEO. And oh yeah: this one’s a ninth-grade teacher. Just the kind of person you’d want to trust in loco parentis with teenage girls, eh?

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21. Robert Fucking Delisle. So, how does it feel to be $8,000 poorer thanks to a “bum” you insulted in a vile e-mail to the management of the local liquor store? I don’t know about you, but I’m just loving the Schadenfreude and the karmic appropriateness of it all. The only thing that could be better is you facing at least one of the very fates you prescribed for people like her. Just, y’know, so you know how it feels.

22. David Fucking Matas. Including Israel in the new Museum of Human Rights is supposed to be ironic, right? Because that would be like including South Africa during the era when Nelson Mandela was in prison.

23. Stephanie Fucking Banister. A little birdie told me that she is Australia’s answer to Sarah Palin. I have to ask that little birdie: If she is the answer, what the fuck was the question?

24. Derek Fucking Medina. This one has got to be the ultimate Florida Man. He’s not only a murderer for shooting his wife, he’s a wanker for posting the bloody picture of her body on Facebook…AND claiming he was the abused one, AND for writing a slew of loopy-doopy self-published books on how he saved people’s lives and marriages. (Yes, really.) Can hardly wait for the MRAs to pounce all over his claim of abuse (she said, dripping snark all down her t-shirt…)

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25. Richard Fucking Dawkins. This week, the guru of atheism finally revealed his true religion: Assholism.

26. Gregg Fucking Jarrett. Someone please inform this dolt that the Cold War is over. And that the Czechs and the Poles don’t WANT nukes on their soil, no matter whose. One whistleblower does NOT an excuse for nuclear escalation make.

27. Scott Fucking Dennis. One does not go calling the Ontario Ombudsman a “douche bag” (among other insults, some of them ethnic) for criticizing some obviously deserving police misconduct, like the shooting of Sammy Yatim. Or a Toronto city council member. Especially not if one is oneself a cop. Glass houses, etc.

28. Frank Taaffe. Just another racist “do-gooder” with a criminal record, on the neighborhood watch. Little wonder he was out there defending George Fucking Zimmerman tooth and nail on TV. The reprehensible thing is that none of those crapaganda presstitutes ever did a background check on him. Or his other racist buddies. Oh, and get this: For all his wanking on about how blacks are all absentee fathers, guess what he himself is? Yup. One of those. I would as soon let this asshole guard my neighborhood as let a coyote guard a henhouse.

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29. Buck Fucking McKeon. If you can’t tell a Latino from an Arab, you’re living proof of how racists all haz Teh Stoopid. And if you think Arab terrorists are disguising themselves as Latinos without puppy papers, you are hopelessly fucking paranoid.

30. Troy Fucking Ridling. If you’re going to steal a computer to look at porn, make sure it doesn’t come from your church. And don’t go asking for the porn-blocking software to be removed, either.

31. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. For the Pigman to be calling Oprah Winfrey fat is…well, pot-kettle. Way to cover your huge racist ass, too, Rusty. Guess someone whose media empire is sinking is jealous of the caring black lady whose star is still on the up-and-up.

32. Anthony Fucking Weiner. What, have you never heard a British accent before? Well, at least this gaffe doesn’t involve the schlong, so I guess that’s worth something.

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33. Tom Fucking Cotton. Yes, a person’s past should come back to haunt him…at least if his past is characterized by anywhere near as much rampant stupidity as this one’s is. After all, his career as a Repugnican politician IS totally predicated on it…

34. Satoshi Fucking Kanazawa. Oh joy, I was wondering when he’d pop up again. Psychology Today‘s resident racist sex-essentialist has piped up to tell smart women to start churning out more babies, or the whole human race is doomed, DOOMED, DOOOOOOOOOOOMED! Um, dude…has it ever occurred to you that the smart ladies are just setting a good example for their less brilliant brethren and sustren by not having more children than they can afford to raise? Considering that the planet is already overpopulated, that’s a very wise thing to do. For that matter, have you ever heard of epigenetics? Are you not aware that genes don’t tell the whole story? Do you even bio? Yeah, dude, that’s right…brains are dependent on ever so much more than just crawling up out of the right gene pools. And yours, clearly, were pulled from your rectal orifice.

35. Jake Fucking Vale. I never heard of him till this week, but now I see that I shall have to keep an eye on this one. Unfortunately, for all the worst reasons…like perpetuating rape culture and trying to pass a crime off as a joke. No, Jake, grabbing random girls and dragging them off while ignoring their protests is NOT funny. And it’s not harmless, either. Ask anyone who’s ever been kidnapped or known someone who was. Like, say, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight. Tell THEM to get a sense of humor, why don’t you.

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36 and 37. Franklin Fucking Hartley and Thomas Fucking Merenda. Here’s a thought, fellas: Instead of pulling women over and raping them and then forcing them to punch one of you in the dick to make it look like she fought so you won’t get arrested, how about you just punch each other in the dick and get what you both deserve?

38. James Fucking Conley. No, Jimbo, lust is not the reason why Ariel Castro kidnapped those three girls. Try misogyny and a desire to control other people. Which, incidentally, is the stuff you sanctimonious Christers trade in all the time.

39. Bernie Fucking Madoff. Surprise! He was into bunga-bunga, too. I’m sure you’re all shocked, SHOCKED as I am…haha…oh, who’m I kidding? This dude is EXACTLY the kind of guy who could never get laid unless he paid. And even then, I’m sure the ladies were constantly sidestepping him.

40. Rob Fucking Ford. Was he sloshed at Taste of the Danforth? Oh, probably. Just as with the crack-smoking video, there is nothing I would put past Robbo anymore. Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t have an established record of this sort of thing.

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And finally, to the Fucking NSA. Sorry, guys, but your cat’s out of the bag. Your bird has flown the coop. The horse has not only left the barn, it’s many a mile down the road by now. Firing 90% of your sysadmins will NOT contain the whistleblower problem. He’s in Russia, remember? And no, I don’t believe a single “reassuring” word you say, either. Ever wonder why? I think this might contain a few clues.

Good night, and get fucked!

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