Wankers of the Week: Bigotoni

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to my humble kitchen, where we serve up cranks, wanks and shit sandwiches by the tanks, every week on Saturday Night. And this week’s menu, in no particular order, consists of the following:

1. Don Fucking Samuelson. Welcome to Everyday Perverson 101! Today’s lesson is on why you should never let anyone else stand too close to you. Especially not if he’s your prof, and he’s got a funny way of positioning himself so he can upskirt or downblouse you. Any questions?

2. Sarah Fucking Palin. She rails an awful lot about “GOP cannibals”, never realizing that she IS one herself. And since she’s no longer a working politician, no doubt that leaves her an awful lot of time for feeding on human flesh. But hey! As long as she only does it with FUX Snoozers, who am I to complain? She’s saving me the work of savaging their asses myself, and right-wing infighting is always SO entertaining.

3. Wayne Fucking LaPierre. Sorry, but at this rate, the only good guys left are the ones without guns, because at least they’re not shooting people up accidentally or on purpose. Military bases are already armed to the teeth…how many more guns can they handle? And if it’s mental health you’re concerned about, good…let’s start by locking YOU away, because this pathological attachment to guns is making you a real fucking menace to society.

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4. Larry Fucking Busby. Ladies! Are you in the market for a slightly used racist twoofer douchebag? Are you a skinny, weirdly perfect redhead (or brunette, or blonde, in that order) who’s never had a kid (or, very likely, any sex at all, especially not with a well-hung black dude)? Are you non-black? Then have we got the douche for you! And by that, I mean HOLY FUCKING HORSE DENTURES, BATMAN. Yeah, I can see how this one might feel compelled to pay top dollar to anyone who “finds” him a woman who’d put up with his shit. Between the chin-scruff, the potbelly, the teefs, and the greasy weed-whacker haircut, this one’s got WIENER written all over him.

5. Richard Fucking Barnes. Was there ever a better argument against nude selfies and dickpix than the former deputy Lord Mayor of London (England!), taking same and then, when they get auto-uploaded (one presumes accidentally), claims he was hacked? Sorry, Dickie (!), but you took those yourself. You’re gonna have to take the consequences yourself, too.

6. David Fucking Gilmour. You don’t read women? That’s okay, I don’t read YOU. And I’m glad, because you sound like a terrible old bore. Also, you just cut your own readership in half with just one arrogant, dipshitty interview. Na-na-na-naaaa-na, ha-ha-ha-haaaa-ha. PS: Oh bitch, please. You meant to get that reaction. Your class is an extended exercise in trolling; you said so yourself. You figure any publicity is good publicity, apparently. Just for that, guess who’s NOT going to be reading any of your books, ever?

7. Robert Fucking Benmosche. Oh, you poor widdle baby. 99%ers are saying bad things about you and your fellow banksters and corporate crooks! You’re being lynched! Except you’re totally not, because your necks are still intact, you haven’t been burned, and there isn’t a crowd of gawkers of a different color laughing and pointing for the official photograph.

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You know, like THAT. Wouldums like your binky now?

8. Anke Fucking Vandermeersch. Islamophobia is NOT feminism. Bigotry is NOT feminism. Vlaams Fucking Belang is NOT feminist. And your ripping off Rosea Lake’s feminist art for your right-wing crapaganda? NOT cool.

9. Bernard Fucking Drainville. Speaking of Islamophobia and bigotry, shorter: Crucifixes totally okay, because CULTURE! Niqabs totally not okay, because NEUTRALITY! Never mind that they have fuck-all to do with that, just as crucifixes have fuck-all to do with actual culture.

10. Stephanie Fucking Smith. Congratulations on setting women’s rights back 60 full fucking years with the stupidest-ever bit of ring-fishing. That’s not love, that’s lunacy. And after looking at that dude you’re so desperate to doff your dignity for, I have to ask: WHY??? And if he’s the gourmet cook, can’t he make his own damn sandwiches…and bring YOU one? That is, if sandwiches really are a sign of love, as he says? Hell…why bother with the sammies, anyway? If you want to marry him so much, just propose to him yourself, you silly git.

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PS: And congratulations, Eric Fucking Schulte. You’re now part of a truly lame-ass meme. You and your sexist demands. You two fucking deserve each other. PPS: Ha, ha. NOW you’re funny.

11 and 12. Harmon Fucking Kaslow and John Fucking Aglialoro. Hey! Remember how that big-brick-o-tedium, Atlas Shrugged, bombed at the box office? Well, now it’s sucking so hard that the creators of that dog are reduced to begging for Kickstarter contributors. What a couple of collectivist moochers!

13. The Fucking Pope. So, you think he’s actually any better about gays and women than his predecessors? Well, here’s a shocker: He’s not. He just excommunicated an Australian priest who’s pro-LGBT rights and pro-women’s rights. Talking the talk means nothing; how about walking the fucking WALK?

14. Andreas Fucking Pirelli. Or whatever your fucking name is. You are not an ambassador from a fiefdom-of-one, you’re just a thieving wacko who’s about to see how little of the law he actually gets to take into his own hands. Or, to put it another way: Your ass is grass, and Karma is firing up the lawnmower.

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15. Vanessa Fucking James. How very interesting: Her “advice” to victims of sexual harassment and assault plays right into the fact that she, as a lawyer, has represented corporate sexual harassers and assailants! Why, I’m sure that’s just a malign coinkydink!

16. Scott Fucking Lively. Claiming credit for Russia’s kill-the-queers law? Um, dude…you’re not in Uganda anymore. PS: Sign, sign, SIGN.

17. Melissa Fucking Gorga. Go sit next to #10, and take your loathsome abusive husband with you. And if I were you, I’d start pulling HIS hair for a change…his pubic hair. Teach him how much fun it really is to get your hair pulled in a sexual context. And no, I don’t believe constantly giving in to a maniac’s sexual demands is a sign of love. Stockholm Syndrome, maybe, but if it’s not mutually desired, it’s NOT sex, it’s NOT love…it’s RAPE. (You do realize that marital rape is illegal, right?)

18. Kent Fucking Lambert. Oh, that’s rich…a congresscritter from the Party of No (Ideas) complaining about how laws against discrimination are killing all the ideas! It’s like the whole concept of irony is lost on him!

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19. Dean Del Fucking Mastro. Ba da dump-bump-bump…another one bites the dust! And where one Tory electoral fraudster falls, there are bound to be others. Hang on to your hats, kiddies, there is SO much more to come.

20. Nick Fucking Reading. Oh look! Edmonton’s “Men’s Rights” (note the quotes, there for a reason) trolls strike again! And this time, they’ve formed a party and are standing in local elections. And of course, it’s a Patriarchy Party. Supposedly its purpose is to prove that patriarchy doesn’t really exist, never really, did, and therefore, CHECKMATE, FEMINISTS! Only, of course, the joke’s on them. The patriarchy is real, and they’re soaking in it. (Or maybe it’s their own urine; the smell is awfully similar.) PS: Ewwwww. See what I mean by soaking in it?

21. David Fucking Barton. No, the Second Amendment does NOT guarantee an individual’s right to own a fighter jet or a tank; it doesn’t even guarantee the right to own a pellet gun. Its purpose was to establish the US military, which does have the right to bear arms, and jets, and tanks…in the common defence. The fact that this purpose has been perverted by imperialism for at least two centuries now notwithstanding, of course.

22. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Oh noes, we can’t have immigrant kids with educations and…and…and NICE THINGS! That might give them the terrible idea that they’re equal, and therefore, entitled to good jobs, decent housing, adequate food, healthcare and shit!

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23. Miles Fucking Groth. Oh noes, we can’t have anti-date-rape talks during Orientation Week, it’ll just make all those poor sensitive rapey boys drop out! Sadly, it’s never done any such fucking thing. And it hasn’t exactly deterred older men from trying to take advantage of young women away from home for the first time, either. (Ask me. I know.)

24. Guido Fucking Barilla. So, gays can “eat another pasta” because yours is the pasta of wholesome, heterosexual family values (in which the husband has a mistress, and the wife is secretly miserable)? Well, guess what…not only can gays eat other pasta, but so can we straights who don’t find your family values all that wholesome, Signor Idiota. PS: Nice non-apology, non-accepted.

25. Paul Craig Fucking Cobb. This white supremacist is so full of shit, even his septic system backed up on him. Dude, I think the town of Leith is politely telling you that you don’t belong there.

26. Bradlee Fucking Dean. So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu…and please DO let the door hit you where your mama done split you. You won’t be missed.

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27. Lawrence Fucking Leggett. No, you fucking racist freak-scene, you don’t “need to get laid” (much less pay to do so with underage girls). What you need is to be bound and gagged. Alone. In a nice, safe, padded cell, far away from the rest of humanity, for the rest of your unnatural life.

28. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Y’know, others might snicker at his assertion that no one has done more to protect women than he, but I actually agree…he’s protected them against evil, evil information that might otherwise lead to responsible use of birth control, free access to abortion in case the birth control fails, and a host of other helpful resources that might actually help women stand on their feet instead of relying on an abusive man they never really wanted to marry. Yup, he sure did protect them, all right!

29 and 30. Louis Fucking Gelinas and Matthew Fucking Wright. Oompa Loompa doompa di doo, here’s another puzzle for you. If you go on a rampage attack, don’t be surprised if the Oompa-Loompa law…hits you right back.

31. George Fucking Zimmerman. He’s the wank that just keeps on going, like the Energizer Bunny. This week, Widdle Georgie skipped town so his estranged wifey couldn’t serve him divorce papers. This after hitting her dad and trying to do a “Stand Your Ground” with her just the other week. Maybe there really is something to all her doubts about his innocence and her insistence that he’s quite the little big man, eh? PS: And he steals furniture, too. Classy!

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32. Keith Fucking Alexander. So, you think the NSA isn’t spying on YOU? If you’re a US citizen, yes they are. And they want to go right on doing that, too. And if you think they can be trusted, just remember: some of these wankers with security clearances have been using them to spy on their ladyfriends. You really think they won’t abuse their powers on you? Maybe a blog troll with a security clearance will change your mind faster.

33. Salah Fucking al-Luhaydan. If driving is so bad for the pelvis, why do men get to do it? And if it’s so bad for the ovaries, why do so many women drivers outside of Saudi Arabia still manage to have healthy kids…and lots of them? These are questions that I doubt the sheikh’s “science” can answer. Mainly because it isn’t science at all; it’s straight out of the last fucking century, when it was originally debunked in Europe and the Americas! Happily, Saudi women are not so dumb.

34. Chris Fucking Christie. Yup, the guvnor of Noo Joizey, who has more ups and downs than that roller-coaster that got swept out to sea in Hurricane Sandy, has had a big fat downer this week. When a brave, wise judge ruled against the state’s same-sex marriage ban, he appealed. As though there were no LGBTs in the state. And as though that wouldn’t come back to bite him on his sizable ass.

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35. Ari Fucking Fleischer. No, His Barackness doesn’t get extra characters on Twitter. No one does. But leave it to Dubya’s lying mouthpiece to ask a stupid question.

36. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Yes, let’s install a professional homophobe — Tony Fucking Perkins, who has all but called gays “terrorists” — on Louisiana’s state police commission. What could possibly go wrong?

37. Elizabeth Fucking O’Bagy. She’s been discredited as an analyst, but leave it to John Fucking McCain to hire her — as an analyst. He has a rather interesting history of teaming up with incompetent women who pop up out of nowhere, as I recall.

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38. Scott Fucking Walker. Oh joy, Snotty Scotty Wanker is yet another of THOSE Repugs…the kind who would rather see people killed by collapsing bridges than spend a cent on infrastructure and road maintenance. Congratulations, Wisconsin teabaggers…you now have the state you voted for, and the state you deserve. I just feel sorry for your smarter neighbors, who have to put up with your shit and live in your ruins.

39. Yahya Fucking Jammeh. Never mind that AIDS began in Africa among heterosexuals in the Congo Basin, and that it is, in fact, straight people’s fault (and prostitution’s) that this disease exists today. Nope, let’s just conveniently and superstitiously blame the gays. After all, everything is always their fault, everywhere, ever.

40. Marco Fucking Evaristti. No, an iceberg of the coast of Greenland is not YOUR iceberg. It’s not anybody’s. If you MUST make art out of it, why not do what Christo did, and just drape it for a while, then dismantle the drapery and leave everything as you found it? Spraying it with red paint is just a massive, bloody wank.

41. Dipak Fucking Chakraborty. Why?

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That’s why. Yes, let’s keep blaming the victims of sexual harassment for what others do to them. When will it ever be the perpetrators’ turn to take the blame for their own deeds?

42. Nikos Fucking Mihaloliakos. Actually, the entire fucking Golden Dawn party has much to answer for…the death of an antifascist rapper, for one. The stabbing of this young woman, for another. And why the fuck do they have tentacles in Montréal? I don’t like to say this scares the shit out of me, and it doesn’t…it makes my blood boil. This “party” is nothing better than a fascist mafia.

43. Larry Fucking Klayman. Calling for an armed insurrection is treason. Why is this teabagging lunatic not in jail yet? Well, not to worry…I have a strange feeling that it won’t be much longer.

44. Aubrey Fucking Rimes. If you need any further proof of what knuckle-dragging troglodytes the learned judges of the rural US south are, look no further. This one as much as called a turban-wearing Sikh a “raghead”. They don’t make ’em much more ignorant, racist or swinish…

45. Quin Fucking Woodward Fucking Pu. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s just how awful the soi-disant “Taylor Swift of literature” is. She demands that a random guy with whom she’s been on a grand total of two, count ’em, TWO MEASLY DATES “define the relationship”. He rather understandably bails on her (albeit, somewhat dickishly, on her birthday, via text messaging). She then not only sends copies of his sexts to his employer — which on its own would be fair, seeing as he was sexting on a company phone. But not content to let it go at that she classlessly writes them up on her crappy blog, where they go viral. No doubt they’ll find their way into yet another of her dorky self-published memoirs. The question is, will anyone still consider her relevant by then? And the answer, at least on my end, is OH GAWD I HOPE NOT. Because this one’s got Fatal Attraction Bunny Boiler written all over her. And I really don’t think narcissistic sociopathy like hers should be rewarded with the attention she obviously craves.

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And finally, to the organizers of this monumental fucking “men’s rights” rally in TO...which was attended more heavily by themselves than by any seriously interested followers. Special thanks to the cranky uzzard who picked up the mike to rail about how important it was to put down your books, pick up a gun, and kill commies. That shit was old before I was born, dude. But hey, thanks anyway for demonstrating…just what kind of followers this (bowel) movement has.

Good night, and get fucked!

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