Wankers of the Week: Blobfish

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Crappy weekend, everyone! What a shocker, eh…not all endangered critters are cute! Some are weird and even downright ugly. Okay, I can live with the blobfish; it’s kind of comical, actually. Now, if only these uglies would go extinct, in no particular order:

1. George Fucking Zimmerman. Looks like he tried and failed to do a “Stand Your Ground” with his estranged wife and soon-to-be-ex-in-laws after she went on TV and basically outed him as a selfish, narcissistic bastard and a domestic abuser. So, does anyone still want to believe he was innocent of the first-degree murder of Trayvon Martin? I guess what I’m trying to say here is, anyone wanna buy the Brooklyn Bridge off me? PS: And lest you doubt me, consider that there is nothing more incriminating than destroying the evidence.

2. Thomas Fucking Mulcair. Attack ads? Oh great. This country is looking more and more indistinguishable from what’s to the south of us, all the time. Thanks a lot, Tom, for collaborating with Harpo in making Canada unrecognizable, just like he promised.

3. Rob Fucking Ford. Is anyone else reminded of the petulant child who takes his ball and goes home when the other kids on the playground won’t let him win? Because Robbo is totally that. PS: Ha, ha. Epic image rehabilitation FAIL!

4. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Why?

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That’s why. He’s just joshin’, folks! He totally does mean to be partisan, and he’s wrong about Assad, to boot. Because Assad’s not the one who used them, remember?

5. Paul Fucking Elam. No fool like an old fool? Yup. And this week, this old fool decided to prove it by completely ignoring the long and not-so-proud tradition of sexism and rape culture at frosh week, which in practically every university on the planet dates back to the Bad Old Days before women were admitted. Instead, he’s going to blame his pet bugaboo, the same he blames for just about everything from global warming to diaper rash: FEMINISM! Yeah, that’s right…feminism made rape culture happen. By striving, among other things, to eliminate rape culture. Figure that one out!

6. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Thanks a lot for minimizing the harm that pedophilia does, DICK. I’m sure all the molested, raped and sexually abused kids out there feel better already, just hearing from you how little harmed you were by a pervert who stuck his hand down your pants, back in the day. I’m sure the molesters feel a lot better than that, though!

7. Pax Fucking Dickinson. Speaking of rape culture, Silicon Valley has it. And this asshole is a prime example of it. And yes, I’d call him an asshole to his face…right before slapping it straight into next year. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha.

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8. Ezra Fucking Levant. Menschy Nenshi pwns pantloady putz. The End!

9. Kimberly Fucking Hall. Oh look! The preachy lady who slut-shamed all those teenage girls who Facebook-friended her shirtless sons deleted a blog post. And surprise, surprise — it’s all about how she met the father of said sons, whose precious virgin eyes she has taken it upon herself to protect from the pajama-clad vixens of Instagram. And how did she meet him? Well, he was shirtless. And leaning out a window. I take it she could see that he wasn’t wearing a bra. And also that it gave her a raging youngladyboner, which was promptly deflowered soon thereafter.

10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Why is gassing Arabs a bad thing? Oh, for exactly the same reason as flying airplanes into skyscrapers and starting needless wars of aggression is a bad thing. But gassing ghouls could be a good thing. Can we start with her, please?

11, 12 and 13. Jethro Fucking Botts, David Fucking Boulton and Kangmo Fucking Kim. Brogrammers have got to be the most useless shits in the tech industry. Certainly they produce the most useless shit apps. Does anyone need an app that records the user staring at boobs, or requires him to mimic a nasty wank? Nope. And more to the point, who the hell WANTS that shit? The only good it does is to let women know who NOT to date. (Or HIRE.)

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14. Terry Fucking Richardson. For directing Miley Cyrus’s latest video, which looks like (and probably is) one long, crappy American Apparel ad. And for being so creeptacularly creeperriffic that I can’t help but speculate that her much-hyped twerkin’-with-the-Pedobears “sexuality” isn’t really hers, it’s his. And it’s a projection. An icky, sticky, licky projection.

15. Brent Fucking Girouex. No, you can’t pray away the gay. And you can’t rape it away, either. Shouldn’t you be in jail? Why yes, you should.

16. Roosh Fucking Valizadeh. Finally, we know his last name; finally (ugh), we also know his face. Anyone else not surprised that this “famous” pickup artist is unattractive as all hell? Anyone else not surprised that he doesn’t know how nature really works? Anyone else also not surprised that he’s against laws forbidding (and punishing) domestic violence, because he believes the laws to be making a “special class” of the “weak”, while domestic violence is just “natural”? All of this kind of goes together, in its own ugly way…and oh, how I pity Ukraine for harboring this unsightly pile of human excrement and his ugly, ugly “thoughts”. (Note the quotes; there for a reason. As always.)

17. Glenn Fucking Beck. War is a “progressive idea”? Um, no. Conservatives have always disproportionately reached for it as a solution to all the fuckeries that they’ve made of their countries. And always, always ended up making a bigger fuckery of things than they already were. Funny how Biff conveniently forgets that. Even funnier, how conveniently he has suddenly turned against war when he used to be all rah-rah for it. Which is quite the contrast from real progressives, who have always been against it, and who have always had principles on their side, too.

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18. Bob Fucking Vander Plaats. And speaking of conservatives and making fuckeries, how about him? Funny how rightards are all for “free speech” when it’s them wanting the “freedom” to be Nazis, but they’re all against it when anyone else is trying to, you know, actually get free. Like, say, the LGBTs in Russia.

19. Neil Fucking Cavuto. Does anyone need further evidence that FUX Snooze isn’t news (or even “news”), it’s just a very bad fundamentalist cult? And this creepy overage kid behind their so-called anchor desk is the preacher?

20, 21 and 22. Michele Fucking Bachmann, Steve Fucking King, and Louie Fucking Gohmert. Now they’re blaming the Egyptians for 9-11? They seem to forget that the perpetrators of that one were almost all of them Saudis. But thanks, you guys, for the dipshit comic relief. Keep grasping at those straws; it’s so much fun to watch you guys slowly and painfully sink.

23. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer seems to think it’s possible to be possessed by entities one does not believe in. Funny, because all the cases of demon possession I’ve ever seen involved people who DID believe. Those who didn’t were strangely immune. You don’t suppose there could be a connection there, eh?

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24. Bob Fucking Larson. Speaking of demon possession, this one’s got the worst case I’ve ever seen. He’s possessed by two demons named Svengali and Charlatan. He’s even infected his innocent teenage daughter and her two friends to do his bidding, and now they’re out to peddle kitschy “crosses of deliverance” and $200 “exorcisms” to the gullible in England. Unfortunately, they’re powerless against Harry Potter — who, though every bit as fictional as their schtick, is by far the better read.

25. Donald Fucking Trump. 9-11? It’s all about the hairpiece, baby. Srsly, this man’s ego never takes a day off. And that’s hilarious, because he’s got exactly NOTHING to be so damn egotistical about.

26. Samantha Fucking Power. Oh dearz, someone is butthurt about not being able to attack Syria. And she’s taking it out on the UN. The only difference between her and John Fucking Bolton is the gender and the sheepdog look he’s got going on.

27. Terry Fucking Jones. Meanwhile, someone else haz teh butthurt about not being able to make a bonfire of the holy scriptures of somebody else’s religion. Da poor widdle fing!

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28 and 29. Marvin and Stephanie Fucking Sapp. Same link, same thing, same stoopid. And same gross misconception as to the meaning of free speech. Newsflash: Destroying someone else’s words is NOT speech. It is SILENCING. Remember Nazi Germany? Wasn’t a bastion of free speech, morons.

30. Raylan Fucking Alleman. “Don’t educate your wimminz, they’ll only stop listening to their dumb ol’ dads and not submit to their rapey idiot husbands! And then who will men have left to feel superior to? NOBODY!” I guess that’s the basic gist of what he’s trying to say here. It’s certainly the impression I get. If this is that superior masculinist logic and reasoning I keep hearing so much about, it’s an epic fail.

31. Matt Fucking Forney. It’s sad enough that this right-wing woman-hater had a shitty blog (now defunct) dedicated to, well, hating women. Even sadder, he’s self-published a “best of” book. Saddest of all, the poor bastard has to blurb himself AND write his own “rave” reviews. And when the “current dystopia” (as he calls this world of not-misogynous-enough misogyny) ends, all the unsold copies (i.e., all the copies, period) will be pulped for toilet paper. Fully half of which will be used by women. Ha, ha.

32 and 33. John Fucking Kerry and Henry Fucking Kissinger. Oh look! The new war criminal (in the making) is seeking advice from the old one. Isn’t that just precious? Whatever happened to the Winter Soldier? And why the hell is Kissinger even still alive?

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34. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s still the grift that keeps on giving! Fucking snowbilly just can’t seem to keep her name off this list, can she?

35. Benedict Fucking Cumberbatch. So, the comely Mr. Cumberbatch, alias “Sherlock”, is fine and dandy with the government (that is, PUBLIC SERVANTS) keeping secrets from the people but simultaneously spying on them? Also, he sure was nasty to Chelsea Manning. And apparently, he misgendered her, too. Wanks one and all. Nope, not a fan here. Sorry. No can be, after that.

36. Robin Fucking Thicke. Looks like the untalented douchebag son of an untalented douchebag father just suffered a further setback in his quest to make mediocrity hot. The university students of Edinburgh have voted to ban his misogynous little “subversive” ditty. The kids are okay…well, some of them, anyway. Ha, ha.

37. Stephen Fucking Harper. Why?

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He’s also the most do-no-good PM we’ve had since Brian Fucking Mulroney. Hell, he’s actually made me nostalgic for ol’ Lyin’ Brian. And that takes some doing!

38. Pamela Fucking Geller. Look who thinks she and her patron shitferbrains, Robert Fucking Spencer, are going to expand their infantile hate-empire to Toronto. Look who’s in for one helluva shock. Torontonians want none of her!

39. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Aww, poor Pammy-wammy haz a mad, because she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar and had to put ’em all back! And she thinks she was “lynched”? Sorry, Pammy, but bleached blonde is NOT the New Black! Resign, you horrid creature. You did PLENTY wrong. And you know it.

40. Justin Fucking Bieber. I’m sorry, but until this little shitweasel learns to pull up his pants and stop horking loogies on his fans, he has no business being in front of a camera. And that includes his own.

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And finally, to Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Yeah, that’s right…Pamela Fucking Geller’s little genital wart. He’s getting a free education in political science, of all things. Well, let’s hope that his profs flunk him if he expounds for very long on the whole “cultural Marxism” theme. Or if he tries to make an apologia for neofascist terrorism his thesis, as I suspect he will. Maybe he’ll finally acquire some sense…but I wouldn’t bet on it. BTW, the party he’s associated with just got its sorry ass into the Norwegian parliament as part of the new ruling coalition. I hope the thing goes downhill faster than the walls of the steepest fjord.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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