Wankers of the Week: BOHICA, Syria

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it looks like Syria is the next stop in the oil wars disguised as “humanitarian interventions”. Another BushCo war, brought to you by His Barackness. Charming! That Nobel is looking thoroughly tarnished by now. And the following people are no better, either:

1. Mark Fucking Kessler. Dude, you’ve worn out your welcome. Go suck your “friend”, preferably while “he” is loaded for bear. With the safety off, please. PS: Cops who run private militias are in fact committing TREASON. And uttering death threats? That’s a crime too. Where are the federal agents? Doesn’t Pennsylvania have state troopers? Somebody come get this dude, he’s gonna blow. And he shouldn’t have the chance to take anyone with him.

2. Anthony Fucking Weiner. Trying to “sound Jamaican” at a Caribbean carnival? You’re a fuckin’ wanker, mon. PS: Dancing to violent homophobic music is a wank too.

3. Aaron Fucking Klein. See what happens when you try to make Jim Crow faaaabulous? You get iced. And that ain’t no sweet cake, ha ha.

4. Scott Fucking Lively. Oh joy, the preacher-man who brought “Kill the Gays” legislation to Uganda is now trying to get Russia to do the same. Instead of fighting the gays as if they were Nazis, how about remembering what it was that the Nazis did to the gays…and recognizing that Russia is perilously close to the same? After all, this preacher is currently facing trial as a human rights abuser…

5. John Fucking McCain. Why?

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That’s why. Playing games on the phone during a hearing on whether the US goes to war against Syria is a really cavalier fucking wank.

6. Betsy Fucking Karasik. So, teacher-student sex is supposedly harmless just because some of your friends did it with no apparent ill effect? Actually, Betsy, there were plenty of ill-effects, only you were all too fucking stoned to see them. It doesn’t have to lead to injuries or death to be a crime. First and worst, a pederast got away with molesting children. And don’t tell me that teachers who fuck students don’t favor them unfairly over their peers when it comes to marking, too. At the very least, it poisons the classroom atmosphere when everyone knows that Mr. So-and-So is sleeping with a student, and no one does shit about it. Bottom line, an adult who is in loco parentis has no business laying hands on their charges, EVER. It’s incest when a parent does it, and rape when a teacher does it. No ifs, ands, or “the times were different” buts.

7. Miley Fucking Cyrus, again. Nice non-apology, honey. You “made history” for all the wrong reasons. And the hell you “didn’t think about it” — that entire show was planned, choreographed and okayed at the highest levels. You’ve been dropping unsubtle hints for months that you’re a twerkin’ fool. You thought about it plenty, and you still went ahead with that pandering, racist shit. Because it made you a helluva lot more money than you honestly deserved. Of course, to admit THAT would be “overthinking”, wouldn’t it?

8. John Fucking Kerry. Whatever happened to the antiwar GI who came back from Vietnam to toss his medal ribbons on the Capitol steps in protest of a futile war, and who testified at Winter Soldier? Apparently marrying the heiress to the Heinz fortune changed his perspective. A LOT. Because now, he’s a warhawk with Syria in his sights. And now that he’s rich, he doesn’t have to worry about some poor or middle-class boy dying for his mistakes.

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9. Richard Fucking Cohen. No, Miley’s twerking didn’t cause the Steubenville rape…that happened before she started doing that corny booty-dance. It’s post hoc, not propter hoc, you stupid old asshole. PS: RAPISTS cause rape. Period. End of story.

10. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Well, it looks like his dad has passed the crazy down to the next generation. This makes a good case for the involuntary sterilization of all conservative religious fanatics does it not?

11. Craig Paul Fucking Cobb, again. Newsflash: “White Separatism” IS racism. And no, Jews didn’t invent the word gay, nor did they invent its current usage. That would be gay people. And they didn’t do it to keep white people down, because NOTHING keeps a ruling class down. Except maybe stupidity, which is in rank abundance anyplace where neo-Nazis congregate, under whatever fucking name or “racialist banner”.

12. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer is getting perilously close to busting that aneurysm. He’s telling wedding photographers to fuck up their work in the name of Christ, and then warns that they’ll all be bankrupted and starve to death. Well, yes, if that’s the way they’re going to be, they will. And they will have it coming, too.

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13. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Can you say ANACHRONISM, kiddies? I knew you could, and I know he can’t. For the record, there were no gay bars in München until the late 1960s or early 1970s; until then, German gays just hung out in the same bars as everyone else, drinking the same beer and getting loud and obnoxious the same damn way. Someone please give this stupid fucker a history lesson.

14. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Next thing you know, Pooty-Poot will be telling us some of his best friends are gay. Nope, I’m still not buying it.

15. Linda Fucking Harvey. But hey, if all his gay friends desert him, isn’t it nice to know that Pooty-Poot will still have American comrades in institutional homophobia?

16. William T. Fucking Woodward. Want evidence that the Bush Doctrine (and Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law) is a great way to get away with cold-blooded murder? Here ya go. Florida Man, that motherfucker, has done it again.

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17. David Fucking Barton. No, science and math don’t require fear of the Lord…or of anything else, either. What they require is that people not let fear and dogma stand in the way of learning…just like any other subject. Which, by the way, I’m pretty sure this God-botherer flunked.

18. Justin Fucking Bieber. I don’t care who she is, and I don’t care how much hip-hop you listen too, white boy — you do not get to use the N-word.

19. Alain Fucking Delon. Once he was a dashing French actor. Now he’s an old fuddy-duddy with sad opinions. But you know what’s sadder? Once, a gay guy “wooed” me, just like this guy says to do…and it didn’t work! He wound up marrying another man and adopting two kids with him. Yeah, that’s right…dashing French actor’s love advice FAILS. Who’d of thunk?

20. Robin Fucking Thicke. What’s that smoke I smell? Oh…it’s coming from his pants. Yeah, he played grab-ass with this younger woman who was not his wife and even stuck his tongue down her throat, and he wants us all to believe his wife was okay with it? Surrrrrre she was. And she’ll be even more okay with it when she gets back from her lawyer’s office. After she’s done with all the happy-married-couple fakery, of course.

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21. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Oh, the delicious irony of an egotistical geezer (who once ragged on black boys for their clothing choices, only to be shown repeatedly in a hoodie) getting slut-shamed over a selfie. It’s just the gift that keeps on giving, eh?

22. Casey Fucking Smith. Funnily, black people don’t appreciate having their neighborhoods characterized as the “bad” part of town. Or listed on a website (now defunct, ha ha) that “tracks” ghettos.

23. Shemane Fucking Nugent. Congratulations, you’re an idiot. Everything you’ve done so far (especially your choice in spouses!) is one big long bad life choice. You are the embodiment of all that is wrong with your country. And you make the case for stricter handgun controls just by existing.

24. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Anyone surprised to see her shilling for PETA? Didn’t think so. They have a long and misogynous history of using heavily surgically enhanced women (who are famous for reasons even flimsier than their clothes) to make their case for veganism — or putting people off it, more likely. And by the looks of things, Courtney’s had a few more things “done” since we saw her last. It is not an improvement. If she could get it all undone, that would be nice. If she could just go away and never be heard from again, that would be nicer. (The same must also be said for PETA, in all fairness.)

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25. Robert Fucking Pattinson. Method actor, or just a very literal Hollywood wanker? I know which one MY money is on…

26. Pat Fucking Robertson. Not only is Patwa a filthy old charlatan who’s made a very tidy fortune from playing on people’s darkest fears, he’s also one who’s made a very tidy fortune from meddling in the political affairs of deepest, darkest Africa. And during the Rwandan crisis, at that. Even to this day, he’s making bank off it…and threatening to sue anyone who tells the truth about what “Operation Blessing” really was. I hope he does, and I hope he loses. It might finally pull the wool off his flock’s eyes, and that could only be a Good Thing.

27. Rick Fucking Wiles. Oh noes, the gays are coming to kill us all! End Times! End Times! Cerebral hemorrhage about to blow! Man the pumps!

28 and 29. Jim Fucking Jordan and Tony Fucking Perkins. In case anyone seriously believes the Repugnican teabaggers and the Religious Reich are suddenly anti-war peace doves, you can forget it. They’re still as war-hawky as ever. And they think that the perfect way to fund a war on Syria…is to strip the federal healthcare budget. There are no words foul enough for the cynicism of these bastards.

30. Larry Fucking Pratt. Shorter: Government out of everything…except old age pensions for us gun-mad geezers! Hands off my Social Security, you commie pinko scum!!!

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31. Glenn Fucking Beck. Can someone please bonk Biff on the head again? He’s developed a sudden case of amnesia. And he can’t for the life of him remember how it was that he and his fascist ilk are the ones who divided the country.

32. Kimberly Fucking Hall. Lady, if you’re so worried about your teenage sons’ virgin eyes getting prematurely deflowered by braless girls taking selfies in their jammies, here are some things you can do INSTEAD of slut-shaming all those girls: Unplug the family Internet. Take away the boys’ cellphones. And make them stop posting all those shirtless photos of themselves. Because girls have eyes too, you know!

33. Kenneth Fucking Cole. Marching to war on Syria? Think of all the shoes! And the best way to do that is to open mouth wide and insert foot, natch.

34. Thomas Fucking Kersting. Instead of teaching cash-strapped parents to take “personal responsibility” by starving their children at school, how about funding the school lunch program by getting rid of anyone on staff who thinks like this guy? Because let’s face it, hungry kids can’t learn, and neither can frazzled adults. But smug, overfed assholes? Yeah, they can afford to starve. Maybe then they’ll learn something about taking personal responsibility for what comes out of their mouths, for a change.

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35. Adam Fucking Tang. Yeah, trying to set a road-racing record in Manhattan and then bragging about it on the Internets…great idea. Never mind the horrible example it sets, not to mention all the other drivers and innocent bystanders your little stunt endangers. Or the fact that all it takes is one unforeseen little something to send you careening to your own death. YOLOYOLOYOLO.

36. Dana Fucking Perino. Newsflash: the words “under God” weren’t always in the Pledge of Allegiance. And the pledge didn’t always exist, either. I’m willing to lay good odds that more than a few of the Founders were unbelievers. Anyway, when’s the last time the dumbest blonde after the Coultergeist ever darkened the door of a church? If you don’t like inclusivity and freedom of thought, Dana, you can always move yourself!

37. Alexei Fucking Zhuravlev. For anyone still hoping that the Russian “gay propaganda” law was limited to the public sphere, you can now get stuffed. They really ARE out to get the gays, and they’ll do it one law at a time. Today they’re stripping them of their kids; tomorrow, it’ll officially be their lives. Bet on it.

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38. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Peace activists who don’t want to come off as anti-black are “racist”? Wow, Hucky Fudd just set a whole new world record for sheer stupidity and cognitive dissonance there!

39. George Fucking Zimmerman. Is there yet to be a week when he doesn’t wank? This week he’s a two-fer: He was busted for speeding AGAIN, and his wife is (finally) leaving him for good because he really is a massive fucking dickhead. And oh yeah, he killed Trayvon just after she walked out on him earlier. Psychopath much?

40. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yeah, that’s right…the Pigman wrote a children’s book. Never mind that he has no kids and his program is not fit for children’s ears (or anyone else’s, come to that). One wonders why he wrote it. I suspect his sex-tourist adventures in the Dominican Republic — a known pedophiles’ paradise — may have something to do with that!

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And finally, to the fucking US Congress. Or rather, all of the fucking congresscritters who voted to bomb Syria. Funny how there’s always enough money and political will for another fucking war, but never enough for hospitals, schools, highways and all the other things it takes to, you know, actually get your country back on its feet again. Oh yeah, and WHERE ARE THE FUCKING JOBS? Don’t say “in the military”, unless you’re willing to tack the words “industrial complex” on the back end of that, because that’s certainly where all the money is going. Sweetest fucking scam EVER.

Good night, and get fucked!

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