Wankers of the Week: Miss Amurrica is BROWN! Oh NOES!!!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Indo-American Miss America, and all those idiots who think she’s an Arab and a Muslim? Um, isn’t she Hindu? Well, whatever she is, she’s just not white enough for some people, and those racists have much in common with Indians in India who think she’s too brown to be a beauty queen, too. Maybe all these caste-conscious cretins should get together. I hope they do it far away from the rest of civilization…along with these other assholes, in no particular order:

1 and 2. Matt Fucking Bowman and Lawaun Fucking Edwards. Just imagine if I’d tweeted something as nonsensical as this: “Reject a fireman and he will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak brains.” Or this: “Would swat him in the back of the head been considered abuse or a way to reset the brain?” You’d say that was prejudiced, wouldn’t you? Well, that’s exactly what they wrote about WOMEN. They both deserve a rejection from the firehouse and a swat upside the head. And here’s the kicker: Instead of coming out on the side of women, the Fucking Toronto Professional Fire Fighters’ Association is “outraged” that they’ve been suspended for their sexist shit. I’m going to go right ahead and assume that the “Professional” bit is a sarcastic joke, because this kind of tweeting is unprofessional, to say the least. As is defending them for doing it.

3. Alex Fucking Jones. At some point, all this “vast globalist conspiracy” shit has got to become its own worst parody. But since he’s so far up his own ass as to assume it was done only to discredit him, I’d say he doesn’t need a vast global conspiracy; he’s done the job himself already. Yeah, Alex, twelve actual living people were killed just to “discredit” you. You fucking simpleton.

4. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. Satan doesn’t cause tumors; radiation, chemicals, genes and viruses do. And as for being able to regrow any part of the body just by being a faith-healing charlatan, ha! Why doesn’t this woman regrow her own lost brain cells, and those of her idiotic followers?

5. Todd Fucking Starnes. Why?

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That’s why. Shooting guns represents “American values”? Tell it to the families of the DC navy yard massacre, asshole.

6. Sean Fucking Gastonguay. Oh joy, he and his brainwashed wife are planning to sail off to some little island again in protest of gays, abortion, and taxes! Well, good. Maybe this time God will finally finish what She failed to do last time…namely, sink those stupid fuckers. Just a pity that they plan on taking their kids with them. Isn’t that child abuse?

7. Stephen Fucking Baskerville. Soooooo, rape, child abuse and domestic violence are good things, and criminalizing them is all about power for the matriarchy? Well, bring it the fuck ON, sez I. Patriarchy has made a shithole of this world. Ah, if only there were a conspiracy of progressive women actually seeking this kind of power…Le SIGH.

8. Christopher Fucking Jackson. He branded his girlfriend’s vagina with his initials to show he “owned it”? Sorry, but only one person can own a woman’s vagina, and that’s the woman to whom it belongs. Maybe, in the name of fairness, someone should brand his penis with the words “An Idiot”. You know, just as a reminder of who owns it. And as a warning to any other potential girlfriends. PS: And by gawd, that warning is badly needed. He’s such a pervert that even dogs aren’t safe from him.

9. The Fucking Westboro Bastards. Can you believe that they even picketed Bryan Fucking Fischer, the Internet’s leading homophobe, for being “too pro-gay”? How on Earth does a professional ‘phobe DO that, anyway?

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10. The Fucking American Family Association. Home Depot still supports gay people in every way it ever did, but they’re pre-emptively claiming victory in their fruitless attempt to pressure them? Wow. That too is quite the feat of cognitive dissonance, there…

11. Nicholas Fucking Savino. What is it with assholes and AR-15 assault rifles? They seem to go together like rubbery burgers and stale fries, don’t they? Oh yeah…and assassination threats against black presidents? Yeah, that’s the limp dill pickle on top of the whole unholy mess.

12. Erik Fucking Rush. Oh look, another false-flagger! I guess the fact that the navy yard shooter was mentally ill with PTSD from 9-11 doesn’t count for shit with any of these wackaloons.

13. Reg Fucking Dwight. Yup, “Sir” Elton John wanked a big one this week. How his playing in Russia is supposed to empower LGBT Russians is beyond me. If anything, wouldn’t it concentrate them in one arena for fascist thugs to strike? And isn’t this just so of a piece with his playing for Imelda Fucking Marcos and Rush Fucking Limbaugh? Ah well, money must be made. After all, mansions and yachts don’t just buy themselves, y’know.

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14. Ram Fucking Jethmalani. Funny how, in rape trials the world over, defence attorneys invariably argue that it’s always the victim that has something wrong with her. Never the perpetrator, no, he’s always a golden boy. But this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a rape victim having a “chronic disease” that makes her seek out abuse from a much older man in authority, one who should surely know better — if he were really a guru, that is, and not just another fucking charlatan addicted to power, money and the ability to chase girls with impunity.

15. AP Fucking Singh. And in other news of slimy defence attorneys the world over, how about this one? He says he’d kill his own sister or daughter if she were to engage in premarital sex! What fucking business is that of his? NONE. But then, this sort of sentiment is hardly surprising, coming from him; after all, he defended the culprits in the Delhi bus gang-rape case, the same half-dozen thugs who went around, with the collusion of private bus drivers, deliberately armed with metal rods, just looking for girls to sexually abuse to the death for no good reason at all.

16. Tarek Fucking Fatah. Rumor has it that he got a massive boner for a certain infamously shitty Islamophobic blogger in Toronto recently. Given his name, you can just imagine what must have happened. I’m surprised that the Centre of the Universe has still continued on as if nothing were amiss, because wouldn’t that be like, you know, matter and antimatter meeting to cancel each other out in a burst of god-awful gamma rays?

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17. Abraham Fucking Cooper. At this juncture, I feel like the Fucking Simon Wiesenthal Centre should just have a permanent place on this wankapedia, for their steadfast refusal to distinguish between pro-Palestinian humanitarianism, and antisemitism/Holocaust denial. This week, again, the target for all the flying bullshit is Roger Waters. Who is definitely a humanitarian, and certainly no denier of anything. Honestly, haven’t these people seen The Wall? They sound just like right-wing Christian preachers, dissing Harry Potter because it doesn’t make wizards and witches out to be evil minions of Satan. Yeah, that’s pretty fucking stupid. Now that they’ve run out of real Nazis to hunt, they have to invent ’em where none exist.

18. Scott Fucking Lively. There’s a “war” between Christians and gays, says the father of Uganda’s “Kill the Queers” law? Um, no. Newsflash: Some gays are Christian. Some Christians are GAY. And Jesus never said boo about LGBT people. Get the fuck over it!

19. Larry Fucking Klayman. Calling him loopy is like shooting fish in a barrel. That said: Bang, bang. Anyone care for a plate of red herring?

20. Erick Fucking Stakelbeck. I hope you’re aware that it’s impossible for a state to be both communist and Islamist at the same time, what with all that “opiate of the masses” and such. And undoubtedly, if you read this blog regularly, you are aware. He, on the other hand…um, not so much.

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21. Paul Fucking Elam. Yeah, your terrorism is human rights activism. And rape has no gender. And your crapaganda posters are sacred private property. And I’m the Queen of Sheba, proprietor of the Brooklyn Bridge, motherfucker.

22. Phil Fucking Gingrey. Awww, ya poor widdle fing. If $172,000 a year as a public servant doesn’t seem like enough, then go back to the private sector. And start at burger flipping, so you get to know the value of a dollar.

23. Ron Fucking Paul. Surprise! Women don’t WANT to quit work and go back to the kitchen, much less home-school their kids in how to be a bubblehead like you and your son. Moreover, they can’t afford it. And I don’t hear you coming up with a plausible plan to help them out there. Which surprises me not in the least; flibbertigibbertarians are always a lot longer on cutesy rhetoric than they are on ideas that actually WORK.

24. Steve Fucking Stockman. And speaking of bubbleheads with no workable solutions, how about him? He wants to rail against the evils of gun-free zones…IN A GUN-FREE ZONE. I think the only logical place for shit ideas like his is in the dead centre of a circular firing squad.

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25. Tucker Fucking Carlson. And then there’s the Bowtie Boy, who thinks an increased stigma on mental illness would solve everything. Oh sure, like banning abortion made it just not happen anymore; pay no attention to all those maternity wards full of dying women. How about an increased stigma on dumbass conservatism, instead? Oh wait, that doesn’t work…they’re stupid, so they’re impervious. Just look at the superannuated frat boys who run the show!

26. Ray Fucking Comfort. Shorter: The Moon does so make its own light, because Beethoven! Biblical literalism doesn’t get any dumber than this. And that’s why we need more science education, kiddies — so dim bulbs will no longer blather on about bright lights!

27. Elizabeth Fucking O’Bagy. How the hell does a pipsqueak of a nobody become a trusted “expert” on Syria? By lying about it, how else?

28. Stephen Grady Fucking Fillingim. Need more proof that “Blurred Lines” is an evil song about abuse, not sex? Here you go, courtesy of an abusive bastard who spent over 40 minutes beating a child to that tune. Can we get that shit off the radio NOW?

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29. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. What the fuck is a “pro-knowledge economy”? A buttload of meaningless blather from a guy who makes his money off advertising even if that means sometimes exploiting the dead, what else?

30. King Fucking Willem-Alexander. Yes, that’s right, the king of Holland. Who knows nothing about the need for a welfare state, seeing as he is his country’s #1 tax-funded welfare bum, with all the luxury of denial that THAT affords him. Ignorant royals bring out the anarchist in me like no other.

31. Paul Fucking Hudson. There are some things one doesn’t need to try in order to know full well that one won’t like them. Reading his shit is one of those things. Another, I suspect, is anal sex…with him, anyhow.

32. Bill Fucking Donohue. Considering the vast numbers of women and girls who’ve been molested by priests, claiming that the problem is gays rather than pedophiles (or fucking lechers in cassocks) is disingenuous to say the least. But then again, this dude is a league of one, and definitely in a league of his own, at least where stupid pronouncements are concerned.

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33. Godfrey Fucking Bloom. What is the male equivalent of a slut? I’m hard pressed to say, since men aren’t expected to clean house or refrain from having sex for fear of what some bigoted old jackass (like, oh, say, HIMSELF) will “think” of them. Or what cheap, unfunny “jokes” he will make at their expense. PS: Now THIS is funny.

34. Ted Fucking Cruz. When your own party splits itself up the ass because of your stupidity, it’s time to pack it in and call it a day. Srsly.

35. Linda Fucking Harvey. If you love Russia’s homophobic laws so much, why don’t you marry them and adopt kids with them? Oh yeah…now THAT would be a perversion!

36. Kevin Fucking Swanson. He blames Colorado’s floods on gays, ganja, and godless women abortin’ baybeez? I think the real problem might have more to do with ungodly stupid right-wingers refusing to fund proper inspections and maintenance of all those dams in that state because they’d rather waste taxpayers’ money on god-bothering. But whatever! At least now the assholes who voted to deny relief funding for Hurricane Sandy’s victims on the East Coast have a taste of their own “medicine”, so maybe God IS paying attention, after all.

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37. Stephen Fucking Baskerville. Can’t stand the heat? Get the fuck out of the freeze-peach kitchen, you stupid wanker. Did you seriously expect your misogyny and homophobia to pass unnoticed and not get called out? And why did you fail to note that I wank-listed you? I’m hurt. Really I am.

38. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. Congratulations, double wanker. Please don’t come back for an encore, you’ve worn out the welcome mat already.

39. Mark Fucking Kessler. Fired? Awww. Too bad, so sad. Don’t let the door hit you…oh, what am I saying? I hope it hits you hard on both sides. Ha, ha. PS: Next time you have a gun in your hand, please aim it at your own head.

40. Ted Fucking Yoho. Why?

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That’s why. Obstructionism is NOT activism, it’s assholism.

And finally, to Vladimir Fucking Putin. George Orwell would be delighted by your obvious acumen for doublespeak. Lord knows he predicted it long enough ago.

Good night, and get fucked!

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