Wankers of the Week: Shutdown, Part Deux — Free Vibrators for All!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Thanksgiving, my fellow Canucks! Well, how about that Washington shutdown…now in its second week, and still no end in sight! Well, thankfully for the furloughed, there are free vibrators being handed out. That ought to provide some relief, assuming that anyone is in the mood for it. My guess is that while there will be takers, few of them will be using the thingies, because there are more pressing concerns, like EATING. Meanwhile, for those looking to curb their appetites AND their sex drives, I’ve got just the people for you. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Brenda Fucking Barton. Uh oh, someone forgot who really shut down Washington. And yeah, Hitlerbama totally told those park rangers to enforce the shutdown…except he didn’t. That was the congressional Repugs and their teabag overlords. What the fuck is in Arizona’s water that is making these people so stupid and insane? (Sorry, but that’s the only explanation I’ve got for why anybody would vote for such a passel of wingnuts.)

2. Larry Fucking Heather. And speaking of wingnuts that only the stupid and insane would vote for, how about him, Calgary? Yeah, having a smart, progressive Muslim for a mayor has totally ruined that city…except when he helped save it from the floodwaters that all these right-wing Christofascists would have been only too happy to welcome in God’s name, seeing as they don’t believe in global warming or anything that’s not in their fiction book.

3. Tommy Fucking Robinson. The following photo says it best, so I’m just gonna leave this right here:

(And a little linky-poo, in case you need it.)

4. Pat Fucking Robertson. Why does Patwa never pray for God to regrow missing limbs? Because he secretly knows that that’s not the way science works, duh. And because to admit as much would prevent his brainwashed followers from sending more money his way, and maybe start them sending it in the direction of — gasp! — LEGITIMATE MEDICAL RESEARCH.

5. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. Dead children are just collateral damage. How much more “pro-life” could one get? Or maybe his theory is that since Somali terrorists are lice, Somali children are nits, and therefore…Godwin! Either way, ugh.

6. Louie Fucking Gohmert. I have no idea what a “debt ceiling” is, and apparently, neither does he. But apparently he’s supposed to be one of the trusted politicians, and there he is, flapping his gums at random. They breed ’em a special kind of stoopid down there in batshit country…

7. James Fucking O’Keefe. Trust me, kiddo…you’re not hated because you’re “effective”. You’re hated because you dress up as a pimp, rent boats full of dildos, and think that misleadingly edited “gotcha” videos are legit “journalism” proving that everything liberals do is somehow evil. You’re hated because you make an ass of yourself and give your kind a bad name. And you’re a little shit with a snotty nose, to boot.

8. Stefan Fucking Molyneux. No, you little shit, that woman gunned down and killed by the DC police wasn’t an exemplar of “rank female evil”. She was postpartum depressive, which is what some women get when they fulfill what guys like you think should be their only purpose in life. Meanwhile, a father with three kids got away from cops after essentially doing something even worse what Miriam Carey did. And where is your “moral” outrage? Where is your inane prattle about, say, rank MALE evil? Oh, that’s right…men can do no wrong. Silly me! Must be my hormones making me say that.

9. Matt Fucking Forney. I would pity this schmuck when he says that female self-esteem wilts his dick, but I’ve seen what he looks like, and trust me, a flaccid member on him would be a tremendous improvement. After all, he thinks that the Fifty Shades of Dreck books are somehow indicative of What All Women Really Really Want, instead of what they actually are: a badly-written rip-off of the marginally-less-atrocious Twilight books, minus the sparkly vampires, and with a whole slew of bent fairy-tale bullshit tacked on.

10. Miley Fucking Cyrus. No, you twerky little twit, people don’t stop “banging” at age 40. I’m well to the other side of that, and my libido is still fine — and I fully expect it to remain that way for as long as I’m healthy and alive. Perhaps you’d like to reel in your tongue and learn to read before you shoot off your mouth again.

11. Wojciech Fucking Braszczok. No, I’m not buying the “went rogue” narrative. This dude was acting on orders, and they were to bust a gang by any means necessary. Like I so often say: It’s never a riot till the cops show up. And if someone in your organization starts advocating (or committing) violence, the best thing to do is ask him for his badge number. He is bound to have one.

12. Kanye Fucking West. No, you’re not a fucking genius. You’re a windy self-obsessed bore, to be quite frank.

13. Zeeda Fucking Andrews. Convoy was a mildly-to-moderately-interesting movie with Kris Kristofferson. Your widdle teabagger stunt using truckers as stooges, however, is a severely-to-extremely-annoying shit move that will only aggravate, and not impress anyone. Yeah, first you assholes shut down the Capitol, and now the Beltway. Bra-fucking-vo, way to shoot yourselves in the feet! (And gee, wasn’t it fascist stooge truckers that first scored a propaganda coup against Salvador Allende in 1973, too? This kind of ratfucking is older than the hills.) PS: Ha, ha. Epic FAIL!

14. Sarah Fucking Lacy. Oh look, the libertarian dumbassette has squawked up again. And no, sweetie, feminist outrage is never manufactured. It grows organically out of gendered injustices. Libertarian “free thought”, on the other hand, all comes from the same bullshit factory.

15. Mark Fucking Kessler. Why are right-wing gun nuts too dangerous to have a right to bear arms? Why should they NOT be entrusted with law enforcement of any kind? And what’s wrong with open carry? Um, this guy. That is all.

16. The Fucking Montréal Police. Yes, all of you. Your job is to ENFORCE the laws, not MAKE them. Anti-pipeline protests are not only perfectly legal, they are protected free speech in this country. Look it up, you assholes.

17. Larry Fucking Busby, again. No, dude, you’re not a bit racist. And by “not a bit”, I mean EXTREMELY. BTW, you’re also pig-ignorant about sex; vaginas are made of muscle, they are resilient, and they don’t retain the shape of whatever was in them last, even if it’s much bigger than the source of all your insecurities. Also, your ludicrous expectations, combined with those scary-ass horse dentures, your dickpix, and your racism, are all pretty much a guarantee that you are destined for a lifetime Forever Alone. No woman in her right mind could ever be expected to live up to your standards AND put up with your shit simultaneously.

18. Roosh Fucking Valizadeh. So, the world’s fugliest pick-up “artist” (note the quotes, there for a reason) has decided that fat-shaming is the way to get all of us obstreperous women to lose weight and land under his angry, angry boner. Pity it doesn’t work that way, and that shaming fat people actually causes them to GAIN weight. I’ve got to assume that asshole-shaming works about as well, but what the hell. He has no shame anyway, and if listing him here causes even one lost dude to turn away from that hideous asshole and his bullshit “philosophy”, it’s worth it. So here goes: Gentlemen, this dude is an asshole. He couldn’t pick up his own dirty socks (and to look at him, you just KNOW they are.) Don’t take any “advice” from him, even the free stuff. Unless you want to guarantee yourselves a life of loneliness, and antisocial awfulness, and epic failure with the ladies, of course.

19 and 20. Roz Fucking Rothstein and Meryle Fucking Kates. Pardon me, I feel a sneeze coming on. Ha…haa…haaa…HASBARA! Dang my allergies; must be something in the air. And this latest pro-Israeli apartheid campaign is it. But hey! Those “Disappearing Palestine” awareness maps on the buses must have had quite the effect to bring these ineffectual wingnuts out of the woodwork again. Thanks for acknowledging that they work, folks!

21. Samuel Joseph Fucking Wurzelbacher. Oh look, not-Joe the non-plumber is back for another fifteen minutes of fame that will turn into another hour! And this time, he’s whipped out his snake, which is to say, his straight-up RACISM. Also his ignorance of the Mexican-American War, which I’m translating a book about right now, and which I think is worth reading up on so you don’t end up as stupid as him when it comes to Mexicans. And speaking of stupid: Another white Repug for president? Whoever it is, no thanks. Ain’t nobody got need for that.

22. Rick Fucking Reilly. So, I guess no Native people are okay with the use of “Redskins” as a team name, eh? I’m not surprised. I’d be kind of put out if there were a team called the Germantown Krauts, or something like that.

23. Marco Fucking Rubio. Damn right people are running out of patience with conservative Christians. The reason? Your intolerance is fucking intolerable, and it makes jackasses out of you all. Now stop whining and adjust your attitudes, before someone drops a house on you.

24. Ben Fucking Carson. We don’t need any fucking re-education; we can see that the war on women is a fact by the sheer number of uterus-invading bills that keep cropping up in various places. And we are right to get angry about this blatant effort to corral us by curtailing our reproductive choices. If you don’t like abortions, fine…don’t fucking have one. That’s as much as you need to fret your pretty little head about it, Doctor.

25. Ted Fucking Cruz. Ever wonder what a tyranny of the stupid would look like? Look at him, and wonder no more. What he’s saying makes absolutely no sense, not even from an extremely twisted viewpoint. It’s just all fucking gibberish!

26. Rick Fucking Santorum. And speaking of fucking gibberish, tyranny of the stupid, etc., there’s Icky Ricky Buttsploodge, with his views on birth control. Which has nothing to do with the French Revolution at all, but hey. It doesn’t have to make sense, it’s being directed at Values Voters…the same people who would like only too well for there to be a massive, worldwide tyranny of Teh Stoopid!

27. Bob Fucking Vander Plaats. Better to die than to live in a world where LGBTs have equal rights? Best response, in the immortal words of Bette Davis: “Very well, then — DIE!”

28. Kellie Fucking Leitch. If you’re against war rape and forced marriage, then why not put some of Ottawa’s money where your big ol’ mouth is, and make sure the victims can get safe, medical/surgical abortions, and with them, a modicum of inner peace? Talking out of both sides of your mouth like this on the International Day of the Girl is just an absolute fucking insult to them. And just think, this fucking SupposiTory is a doctor herself. She should know all this. If she doesn’t, she has no business being in the medical profession.

29 and 30. Margaret Fucking Wente and Ezra Fucking Levant. Neither Dr. Tarek Loubani nor John Greyson is a dangerous extremist. Those who know them, know this. Those who have only heard a little bit about them, know this. But these two professional know-nothings (and in Maggie’s case, a very unprofessional plagiarist) have yet to get the message, and have opted for the very clever alternative known as “making shit up out of whole cloth”, instead. It would serve them both so right if they got served with a nice, fat, juicy libel suit, eh?

31. Sandy Fucking Rios. No, you know what’s a fairy tale and a fraud? Your version of the murder of Matthew Shepard. Which is 100% wrong, as the SPLC has already shown (and the murderers themselves confessed at the time — remember “gay panic”?). It’s also grounds for a libel suit, I’m sure.

32. Steve Fucking Pearce. Here’s a novel thought: If you think furloughed workers can afford to take out loans from their banks (who are already little better than good old-fashioned mafia loan sharks themselves), how about YOU do it when you’re fired at the next election? After all, you’re a teabag; you can damn well live underwater!

33. Star Fucking Parker. Homophobia is bringing hostility to the United States. And your drive against same-sex marriage is leading to breakdowns in family relations between LGBTs and their loved ones. Best thing to do is keep yours private, just like you keep telling LGBT people to do with their ghey.

34. Lila Fucking Rose. No, honey, you are not even a tiny bit like Malala. For one thing, she’s a socialist. For another, she doesn’t make lie-laden videos about how girls shouldn’t be allowed to get educations. And last but not least, you haven’t been shot in the head by one of your fellow religious fascists.

35. Bret Fucking Easton Fucking Ellis. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine he is, calling Alice Munro “overrated”. As he’s the washed-up ’80s hipster author who hasn’t had anything interesting to say since that decade came to an end (and who didn’t have much interesting to say during it), I guess that’s his prerogative. After all, how else is he going to make himself relevant?

And finally, to the fucking Phoenix chapter of the TSA. Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month! If you wear a post-mastectomy prosthesis, they’ll make you whip it out in front of everyone. Because as everyone knows, boobs are the bomb…and prosthetic boobs are bombs!

Good night, and get fucked!