Wankers of the Week: SHUTDOWN!!!


Crappy weekend, everyone! So, US friends…how are you all liking your first official week of Obamacare — and the congressional shutdown it occasioned? Have any teabag Repugs near you croaked yet out of sheer spite? No? Well, take heart…because if spite doesn’t kill ’em, maybe a good wank-listing will. And either way, at least they can’t send anyone to war on Syria. Here’s who made the cut this week, in no particular order:

1. John Fucking Culberson. How does it feel to go down in history only for being the dumbfuck who yelled “Let’s Roll!” in an effort to delay Obamacare (which passed anyway)? And what the fuck is it with all these right-wing nutjobs (who are little better than terrorists themselves) thinking that every evil thing they do is an act of antiterrorism?

2. Mark Fucking Levin. And speaking of right-wing dumbfucks who think obstructionism = salvation, how about him? Funny how these assholes are all in favor of letting the market take care of everything, and making sure the government upholds that…until a president comes along who thinks ever so slightly differently, in which case suddenly it’s “screw the market, let’s shut down the government!” Yeah, real principled stance you got there, dickface.

3. John Fucking Baird. How pathetic is it when no one at the UN wants to hear you squeal anymore (while giving little Evo Morales a standing ovation)? And yet, Harpo still entrusts this guy with a cabinet position. It is to laugh…and weep.

4. Ann Fucking Coulter. Why?


That’s why. Way to totally fucking miss the point! BTW, Bryan Cranston, the star of the now-wrapped series, vehemently disagrees.

5. Rob Fucking Schneider. No, doofus, evil Hollywood Democrats didn’t keep you from making a movie in 7 whole years. Your own mediocrity and stupidity did that. See Victoria Fucking Jackson? That’s you, not long from now. Maybe you’d like to consider applying yourself, and keeping your conspiracy theories to yourself, in future…that is, if you have a future. Personally, I think you just eated it.

6. Rand Fucking Paul. Y’know, for once, I agree with the little twerp. They haven’t had a big debate about Obamacare…they had a screaming, floor-pounding, breath-holding tantrum about it. And they’re now at the part where they turn blue. If only they would pass out…or better still, AWAY. PS: This doesn’t help your cause either. Those “goons” are VETERANS, you fucking fool.

7. David Fucking Schweikert. If shutting down the government is your idea of fun, maybe you shouldn’t be in it. At the very least, a rich bastard like you could offer to forego his salary and benefits, so as to better understand what it actually means to those who WORK for a living, especially in the public sector.

8. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why?


Two innocent Canadians are (STILL) in custody in Egypt, and all the fucking putz can think of is how they are pro-Palestinian…and extrapolate that into “useful idiot support of the Muslim Brotherhood”, which it isn’t. Ezra is a useless idiot, and I can’t wait to see him lose his TV gig.

9. Justin Fucking Bieber. The long slide into shitty douchedom continues apace! He ordered his bodyguards to carry him to the top of the Great Wall of China? I wish they had dumped him over the side.

10. Rick Fucking Joyner. Hey, Rick? God called. Sez she’s not in the business of imposing martial law OR theocratic monarchies, so don’t order any. Also, she would really like for you to shut the fuck up, and fuck the hell off, and step on a Lego, and die of gangrene.

11 and 12. Andrew and Matthew Fucking Weiers. I hope that moose you harassed remembers your faces…and pays you back for it one day. SOON.


13. Jan Fucking Brewer. She doesn’t know if the Grand Canyon is a priority for Arizona? Oh sure, it’s only the state’s greatest landmark, and a national treasure. Why the fuck is she governor, again?

14. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Oh sure, when it was Repugs demanding war (or just to satisfy her own fat ego), this blood-sucking bitch was all “Support the Troops”…and now that they’re coming home from those wars maimed and mentally ill, she thinks what happened to them is just “sob stories” that will weaken the will of those mighty fucking troop-supporters? Well, just for that, Laura, I hope your own personal “sob story” comes back to kill you. You fucking deserve it.

15. John Fucking Boehner. Riddle me this: How are right-wingers good for the economy when they keep throwing ordinary people out of work? Obvious answer: They aren’t. And they know it. And they turn into deer in the headlights when questioned on it.

16. Chris Fucking Matthews. Ted Fucking Cruz is “brilliant” for throwing a filibuster-that-wasn’t? And Obama has “met his match” in him? Methinks Tweety Bird really needs to stop sucking teabags and get the fuck off the boob tube.


17. Leo Fucking Housakos. Well, well, what have we here? Another SupposiTory senator who made a big, fat, dishonest dollar. For another right-wing party (now defunct), yet. And who is now all peevish and petulant at having his faux pas pointed out by that evil, evil CBC.

18. Rick Fucking Perry. Dude, face it…your wife said abortion is a right, and she was right to say it. And on that note, Crotch…when are you going to finally come out of that there closet?

19. Alex Fucking Jones. Somebody please tell him and David Fucking Icke that their cherished lizard-people belief has its origins in a TV mini-series from the 1980s. And that there really is no satanic conspiracy from outer space to explain everything.

20. Peter Fucking Madden. No, you don’t get to tell foreign diplomats to resign just because they happen to be gay (and gay-married.) Only a total fucking Aus-hole would do a thing like that.


21. Ted Fucking Cruz. Uh, Ted? If you were FOR the shutdown before, you can’t be AGAINST it now. Unless, of course, you are one of those kookamonga terrorists you keep babbling so insanely about. (And hey: If the foo shits…) PS: Quit whining, you big fat baby.

22, 23 and 24. Michele Fucking Bachmann, Steve Fucking King, and Louie Fucking Gohmert. The Three Fucking Stooges are at it again, and this time, they’re grandstanding at the World War II Memorial without lifting a finger to try to reopen it. Guess that shows you just how much they REALLY support the veterans of that long-ago war…

25 and 26. Renee Fucking Ellmers and Lee Fucking Terry. Oh, so you need your paycheques? And federal employees, who make far less a year than you, don’t? Maybe you should try living on nothing for a while, dearies…it might improve your voting habits. Or better still, rid the congress of a couple of morons altogether. PS: Nobody cares about your fucking house, Lee. Just ask a banker if you don’t believe me.

27. Karl Fucking Rove. Why?


Like I said: If the foo shits…

28. Steve Fucking Stockman. Oh look, another asshole who grandstands about how much he looooooves the veterans (in a fundraising letter, no less!), while refusing to budge and do the one thing that would allow them to visit their national monuments again. Take his pay away, don’t send a dollar to his war chest — and then see how fast he changes his tune!

29. Stuart Fucking Varney. He makes millions by babbling crapaganda on FUX Snooze, and he wants to punish federal workers for “living on our backs”? No, asshole, the parasite here is you. You feed on people’s brains, and you suck their blood. Time for a massive de-worming pill!

30. Jerry Fucking Boykin. Remember him? He’s now openly calling for a coup. I think this demands an open call for his arrest…for high treason. Don’t you?

31. Mat Fucking Staver. Teaching kids a bit of LGBT history is “sexual assault”? No, that’s the stuff that right-wing religious freaks do when they physically molest kids, and then tell them not to tell anyone or their families get hurt.


32. Tom Fucking Corbett. No, same-sex marriage is NOT like brother-sister incest. Where the hell did you get the idea that it was? Oh, I see…your own capacious ass. Figures!

33. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh noes, a progressive dishwasher! BRAINWASHING! Um, actually, that would be Biff’s show. As usual, projection!

34. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. No, Nicaragua isn’t Mexico, and they don’t eat tacos there. Maybe, if you had stayed awake during geography class, you would have realized that. But then again, you’re FUX Snooze, so to you, all brown people with Spanish names must come from the same place…right?

35. Randy Fucking Neugebauer. Uh oh, SOMEBODY forgot who shut down the Congress! No, NOT Harry Reid. And no, it wasn’t him who put the park rangers out of work during the shutdown, either. Who, oh WHO could it be???


36. Todd Fucking Rokita. How nice of you to be so patronizing. You called that Chicken Noodle Network newslady a beautiful liar. Well, at least she IS beautiful. You, on the other hand, are just a liar. And a smarmy one, at that.

37. Miley Fucking Cyrus. Oops, she did it again. She appropriated someone else’s style without picking up a trace of her substance — in this case, the very reverend Sinéad O’Connor — and then, when the latter gave her some very good advice on the dangers of letting her record company pimp her, showed her true colors…and lo and behold, they are those of an empty-headed, spoiled brat. No, Miley, you’re NOT grown up yet, and you have nothing of import to say yet, either. Sit down and shut up now.

38. Diana Fucking Davison. Or whatever the hell her name really is. Men commit crimes to please women? Oh…I had no idea that rape was an effort to please us. Or drunk driving. Or murder. Or arson. Or…well, ANY crime, really. Honestly, how could I have been so blind for so long? I figured that criminals only did crimes to please THEMSELVES!

39. Mike Fucking Lee. Oh, poor you, and poor widdle Ted Fucking Cruz! You’re so oppwessed! And just think, you brought it all on yourselves. Now go throw yourselves a pity party and do your snivelling where no one else can hear you.


40. Pat Fucking Robertson. Patwa says tithe, tithe, tithe, and to hell with your medical bills! After all, that mansion ain’t gonna build itself…and if he doesn’t get a new yacht soon, Cthulhu’s gonna call him home! Oh, the HORROR!

41. Christian Fucking Paradis. How nice to know that you and Fucking Harpo don’t care about war rape victims or child brides. Nope, you just gotta keep tossing that red abortion meat to your anti-choice base! Never mind that it’s red with the blood of dead and dying women…and little girls. You motherfuckers are too evil for words.

42. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. And speaking of SupposiTories who don’t really care about girls, how about him? He thinks that high-school girls should be armed, because he saw some study (out of Texas, natch) claiming that women who carried handguns are less likely to be raped. O RLY? Well, unarmed women who come from societies where men are taught not to rape are even LESS likely to be raped. And why is he not all about THAT, instead of the bullshit premise that boys will be boys, and therefore girls should be armed? How fucking sexist.

43. Joe Fucking Lhota. I’m not at all sure how stop-and-frisk laws will prevent rape. Will the creeper get his release from those frisky cop-hands before he finds an actual victim? Ditto robberies, carjackings, etc. Does it actually do anything about those? Nooooo, it doesn’t. Preventive repression is the stupidest panacea ever. But trust a cat-hating right-wing nut to believe in it. For everyone else, socialism works better.


44. Javier Fucking Albar. Thanks a lot, yeronner, for perpetuating the stereotype that women are just “naturally” worse drivers than men. Actually, it’s the other way around; women are more cautious, probably because we still have to fight against stupid archaic beliefs like this. Upshot: We have fewer accidents. By that token, shouldn’t guys get extra lessons and pay extra for them, instead? It’s not as if being a woman were not expensive enough already, fuckyouverymuch.

45. Reince Fucking Priebus. Way to swallow the Teabilly Koolaid, Rancid Penis! Actually, it’s pretty clear that the teabags have been intent on shutting down the government ever since that black guy was elected president. And it’s not as if they haven’t been pretty damn transparent about it, either.

46. Hunter Fucking Moore. Revenge porn is now blessedly illegal in California (and should be illegal everywhere else, too). So what’s his response to the passing of that law? Well, let’s just call it predictable. And filled with projection. Predictably.

47. Robert Fucking Emmett Fucking Deck the Fucking Third. Why the triple Fucking? Because that’s how idiotic it is to claim that wanking is a valid way to test a female patient’s eyesight.


48. Chris Fucking Brown. Just when I thought this dude could not get more fucked up, he fucking does…by bragging that he first had sex at the age of eight. With a 14- or 15-year-old girl. Aside from all the weird hinky statutory rapiness of it (the girl too would be underage, so WTF?), there’s also the sheer implausibility of a girl that age even looking at a boy half her age, never mind whether he could get an erection. I’m going right ahead and calling bullshit here.

49. Jeffrey Fucking Kuhner. Never mind that the government shutdown is the real cause of the current chaos, and that the shutdown is the fault of batshit teabaggers who just want to watch the world burn. Nope, the real culprit is LIBERALISM! Because marriage, family and civilization! And blah blah blabbity blah blah. A sock in it you should fucking put, dude.

50. Peter Fucking Bataillon. A 16-year-old foster child who didn’t need her parents’ permission (or a judge’s, either) to get pregnant, must have parental consent — or a right-wing judge’s approval — to get an abortion? Oh, for the fuck of shit. I’m hoping she went ahead and got one anyway, because the last fucking thing a scared pregnant girl needs is to be lectured by a man about the evils of “baby-killing”.


And finally, to the Congressional Fucking Repugs. Yes, all of them. Because they voted for this shutdown, and this is all on them. Doesn’t even matter who’s a teapug and who’s not. If you cave to an astroturf group wholly owned and subsidized by the Fucking Koch Brothers, you fucking deserve to go down with their ship. And you will. You fucking WILL.

Good night, and get fucked!

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