Wankers of the Week: They’re ba-ack!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how about them apples…all of North America is no longer prorogued/shut down/whatever. Congress is back to work, and so’s our Parliament. Yay! But don’t worry, the wanks are still on tap, and sploodging out as fast as ever. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Ted Fucking Nugent. So, he’s got the runs? Well, that’s nothing new, he’s always soiling — oh. Wait. He says he’s PLANNING to run? And he even cut his hair to show how serious he is? Well, he should have fucking changed his filthy, shitty pants, instead!

2. Ted Fucking Cruz. And in other news of crazy fuckers named Ted (thank Goddess Bundy’s dead), this one just came right out and admitted that the shutdown of the past two weeks…was a fundraising scam to gather names and e-mail addresses so that the gullible and the hardcore stupid can be hit up for cash with spammy shit. As if he just couldn’t suck Koch hard enough, eh? PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Oh, oh. What have we here? Evidence of corruption? An indictment coming right down? Let us pray…

3. John Fucking Hagee. Uh oh, someone doesn’t know what a real pagan nation would look like. Well, let me be the one to enlighten you, John: It’s one where Halloween is the biggest holiday of the year, where people greet each other with a “Merry Meet” instead of hello, and say “Blessed Be” instead of goodbye. As for being “without shame”…well, the US has people like you to disgrace it, so that’s not true either.

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4. Greg Fucking Collett. Medicaid is socialist welfare, except when he does it. And he wonders why no one will elect him? Houston, I think we have an answer. And just think, this asshole has ten kids. What kind of example is he setting for those poor little darlings? If he weren’t such a fucking hypocrite, he would have gone to his church for charity, like he tells everyone else to do. Fine father HE is! PS: And he home-schools them, too. Great, now they’re going to grow up to be idiots as well as hypocrites — if they don’t run away first!

5. Randy Fucking Neugebauer, again. Last time we saw him, he was scolding a park ranger for enforcing the Teabagger Shutdown. Now he’s up on ethics charges. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer piece of shit.

6. Maria Fucking Kang. What’s my “excuse” for not looking like you? Oh, maybe the fact that I’m not a former pageant queen, which puts a funny new light on the “anyone can do this” motivational bullshit argument you’re hawking. Or maybe the fact that I’m also not a narcissistic no-pologizer with the worst case of myopia I’ve seen all week. Or maybe just the fact that I have better things to do than drag my weary ass to a bleak, smelly gym at ungodly hours so I can kill myself trying to look like somebody I’m not. What’s your excuse for being such a privileged fucking twit, Maria? That would be a far more relevant question.

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7. Jim Bob Fucking Duggar. Someone please tell this jumped-up cracker that if it’s a “baby holocaust” he’s after, abortion is not where he should be aiming his sights. Hitler was just as anti-choice as he is. No, the real baby holocaust is the Lebensborn program. Ever hear of that, Jim Bob? Oh, what am I saying…of course you haven’t. If you had, you wouldn’t be shooting off your big ol’ pig-ignorant mouth like you just did. Because damn, boy, you sure have a lot in common with the actual Nazis!

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. You’re an idiot! That is all.

9. Tony Fucking Perkins. So, Christians who actually take Jesus Christ at his word and work to help the less fortunate…are “wrongheaded theocrats”? And so-called Christians like you are…what? Insane with greed and hypocrisy, most likely.

10. Emily Fucking Yoffe. Never mind that directly telling guys not to rape actually works in bringing date rape down. No, let’s tell women not to drink, instead! After all, drinking while female is the root of all evil. And worse, I see you’re a repeat offender on matters concerning rape apologism and female-bashing. Is your column called Dear Prudence, or Dear Prudish? Getting awfully hard to tell… PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Nope, still not buying it.

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11. Steve Fucking King. Oh, the shutdown was about “unleash[ing] human nature”? And what part of it were you unleashing — the lunatic id?

12. W. F. Fucking Price. I’m not sure what the W and the F stand for, but there really needs to be a T in the middle there. Because WTF? is the only logical response to a load of tripe to the effect that Columbus was really a hero, and that “girls” shouldn’t go to college because all they do is question conventional “wisdom” about Columbus, and the naturalness of patriarchy, and all that other dumb shit. (The other thing missing from the picture is the fact that college “girls” who can think for themselves are obviously smarter than this old fart, upon whom all education was clearly wasted.) PS: Reeeowrrr! Hiss! Raowwwrrrr! Ha, ha.

13. Matt Fucking Barber. Harvey Milk was a hero. You, on the other hand, are demonstrably, categorically an evil piece of shit.

14. Joseph Fucking DiBenedetto. Here’s a clue-by-four for all you guys who STILL don’t get it: Whenever you say “I’m not _____, but”, you are TOTALLY _____ing. And in this case, the blank stands for BLAMING THE VICTIM. The “but” doesn’t negate what comes after it, but what comes before it. In other words, you’ve just admitted you’re an asshole. You’re welcome. (And SHAME ON YOU.)

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15. Rachael Fucking Sacks. So, you’ve decided to stop apologizing for being rich as fuck? Good for you. How about you apologize for being a clueless twit, instead? (Or, failing that, just go stand next to #6 in the corner. I’m sure she can relate.)

16. Michael Fucking Bloomberg. Hey Bloomy, if you really want people to ignore Banksy on his incognito tour of the Big Apple, you’re going about it all wrong. Tell your cops to ignore him first. Because Rule #1 of Artistic Controversy states that if the cops are after you, you must be doing something right. PS: And if you think lack of affordable housing is a Good Thing, you obviously aren’t one of the 99%. You need to get Occupied all over again!

17. Allen Fucking West. Someone doesn’t know what a monarchy is. Last time I looked, His Barackness wasn’t wearin’ no crown. And there are, in any case, no crown jewels in the US. You Repugs blew any chance of ever buying any when you shut the country down, remember?

18. Larry Fucking Pratt. Once again, the surname is justified. Please drop that second t, wouldja?

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19. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yeah, heaven forfend the government should actually do some work for all that pay they draw…especially the good-for-nothing teabaggers who shut it down for nothing. Sad days indeed…

20. Stephen Fucking Harper. See, I knew the Throne Speech was going to be nothing but horseshit. Can I call ’em, or what?

21. Rob Fucking Ford. Ah yes, he’s so hard-working, he can afford to sleep on the job…and talk tough about firing community workers who may have very legitimate reasons for coming in to work tired…like, oh, say, health problems, or other jobs to make ends meet. Yeah, he’s just such a sympathetic, unhypocritical guy all around, is Robbo…and I am the Queen of Sheba.

22. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. And speaking of sleeping on the job and being an asshole, how about him? His transformation to a whip-cracking, jackbooted SupposiTory is now complete. I expect him to run for federal office under #20’s aegis any day now, assuming his growing reputation for shittiness at City Hall doesn’t end up losing him the next municipal election first.

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23 and 24. Peter LaFucking Barbera and Rick Fucking Scarborough. Oh, get a room, you two. And stop talking nonsense about class-action lawsuits against gay people. You’re lucky they aren’t launching one against YOU, because they definitely have a case.

25. Paul LeFucking Page. Maine, WTF is the matter with you that you have such a shit for a governor? Are that many of you nuts enough to vote against your best interests so that he can go on coddling fucking millionaires? You ARE aware, I hope, that wealth doesn’t trickle down, it gets vacuumed up? Get your fucking act together and throw his ass out next election, unless you want to see that millionaires’ tax burden downloaded onto YOU.

26. Dennis Fucking Miller. Remember when he was funny? Yeah, neither do I. Unless it happened by accident when I wasn’t watching, maybe. Funny how being merely obnoxious makes me not want to watch…

27, 28 and 29. Dave Fucking Hall, Glenn Fucking Taylor and Dylan Fucking Taylor. Pro tip, guys: When in a national park with 200-million-year-old rock formations, don’t play Boy Scout and topple them for “safety” reasons (or any other). You just defaced a priceless national monument with your fucking stupidity. If you’re that concerned about the safety of your young charges, don’t walk near precarious rock formations! See how simple that is?

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30. Brandon Fucking Wade. Yes, the Internet’s #1 pimp and all-around douchebag is back, and this time, he’s got a prostitution app to peddle. Women can “date” skeezy guys for smallish favors in return. Or bribes. Or fees. Because heaven knows, the pleasure of someone’s plain and simple company is passé in this ultra-capitalist era… PS: Aaaand he appears in the comments. Scroll down and don’t miss the fun…at his expense, natch.

31. Gus Fucking Cusimano. You want voting fraud? You got it. And funnily, it’s always Conservatives who do it.

32. Todd Fucking Kincannon. No, transpeople aren’t “sick freaks” who should be locked up in concentration camps. They’re just regular folks, trying to make a life, like everyone else. YOU, on the other hand, are a fucking Nazi…and the dustbins of history have plenty of room left for your ashes.

33. Vitaly Fucking Milonov. And speaking of history and dustbins…don’t look now, bud, but you just got swept!

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34. Linda Fucking Oliver. Don’t worry, lady, nobody wants to gay-marry YOU. In fact, with all your hideous bigotry just hanging out all over the place, I’d be sincerely surprised if anyone wanted to straight-marry you. And no, the “I heard that word as a kid/didn’t mean no harm” excuse doesn’t wash anymore. You did SO mean to do harm, and if you had any guts, you’d own up to it. Stop whining about your hurt feelings, and apologize to the people whom YOU hurt, already.

35. Anne Fucking Paulk. The closet of denial is deep and wide with some people. And if this one just wanted to quietly live in there, well, that would be her prerogative. But since she’s telling mothers to “detach” from their gay kids, and that this unaccepting, shunning behavior is “healthy”, well…guess what that makes her?

36. Dick Fucking Cheney. Oh, that Big Dick, he’s such a card. How would it be possible for terrorists to “hack” his heart? He doesn’t fucking HAVE one. But he sure as hell is one paranoid android…

37. Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. So, Ahnie plans to break US law and run for president? Or should that be Der Gropenator of the land? Well, good luck with that. I think Cullifohnia — sorry, California — may have a few contrary words to say about that.

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38. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. A two-year ban from public office? Gee, I bet he’s crying in his Prosecco already. Make it a lifetime ban, and please, make it behind bars.

39. Paul Fucking Elam. Damn, I was so looking forward to seeing the self-proclaimed “Voice for Men” make a wild-eyed ranting ass of himself on 20/20. Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to console myself by reading all about what a stochastic terrorist of a misogynist swinebag he is, instead. PS: Reeeeowrrr!!! Hiss!!! Raowrrrrrrr!!! Ha, ha.

40. Philip Fucking Kline. What a fucking pity your law licence wasn’t suspended sooner…like when you were in office as Kansas’ attorney general. Oh well, at least now it can never happen again. Ha, ha.

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And finally, to the entire town of Maryville, Missouri. I absolutely love the way you guys treated Daisy Coleman…and by “love”, I mean hate your fucking guts and can’t say that name without spitting. Special dishonorable mention to the people who raised those rapey kids. They’re your mess, and it’s time you cleaned it up. And by “clean it up”, I do NOT mean sweep it under the rug, as you’ve already done. You’re not parents, you’re not grandparents, you’re criminal enablers. And don’t you DARE whine to the media about “assassinations”. You don’t know the meaning of the fucking word. Daisy does. And it’s still happening to her…and Paige Parkhurst, too.

Good night, and get fucked!

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