Wankers of the Week: Drunken Stoopers

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a cracky weekend to the folks in the Big Smoke. You poor dears, the whole world is feeling your pain. And your embarrassment. Why, it’s enough to drive one to drink! But be careful not to get into a stupor, it will make you do stupid things. With any luck, they won’t be nearly as stupid as the following:

1 and 2. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Tweedledum and Tweedledee were in it up to their bulgy blue eyeballs this week. Where to begin? Robbo’s ludicrous insistence that his crack episode was just a one-time thing? Dougie the Dictator trying to get the police chief to resign for having the temerity to investigate his brother? How about Robbo’s old hypocrisy on crack addiction coming back to bite him? Or his hiring a hacker to try to erase that incriminating video? Or how poor Dougie the Dictator got completely blindsided by a sudden loss of control over the whole narrative? Or Robbo’s incredible renditions of Blue Steel and Le Tigre? Or that OTHER video, where he’s cracked to the gills and literally screaming blue murder?

3. Rand Fucking Paul. Finally, HE admits he has a problem! Bongwater Buddha is hooked on plagiarism, sure as Margaret Fucking Wente. And he’s even graciously offered to quit doing it, if only everybody would stop picking on him and making him challenge Rachel Maddow to illegal duels and shit. PS: Ha, ha. Even the Moonie Times can’t bear to publish him anymore. How sad is that?

4. Paul Fucking Martin. No, not the former prime minister. This one’s a Florida cop. And his idea of effective interrogation tactics for teenage rape victims is to get all lewd and creepy with ’em. That’s when he’s not busy abusing his ex-wife. What is HE smoking, I wonder?

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5. Dwight Fucking Kay. Well, finally a wingnut comes out and admits it: the bible and human rights are antithetical. Unfortunately, in his stupor, he forgot that the US is not, in actual point of fact, “founded on scriptures” at all.

6. Tenari Fucking Maafala. Calm down, dude. Nobody’s “imposing” anything on your kids. If they don’t want to get gay-married in Hawaii, they don’t have to! And stop being so dramatic. Nobody wants to kill you. Your beliefs are, in actual point of fact, discriminatory. You just don’t get to claim religion as a cop-out.

7. Douglas Fucking Phillips. He did not have sex with that woman, whatsername. And yet, he expects to be forgiven so he can go on back to filling ladies’ quivers and preaching that awful, patriarchal shit. Um, no. You’re cut off, Doug. No more enabling for you!

8. Marshall Fucking Mathers. Yeah, that’s right, Emifuckinem. If you don’t understand how the word “faggot” can possibly be construed as a homophobic slur, try being gay. Try getting it yelled at you by thugs about to kick the shit out of you for no reason other than that you’re gay, and you’re there. Try getting burnt at the stake for it. Maybe then you’d clue in, but by then, it would be too fucking late.

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9. Jonathan Fucking Taylor. Y’know, kid, if you’re gonna castigate feminists for “misandry” (note the quotes, there for a reason), the first thing you should do is not chop up your pull-quotes to make them say something that the original author was NOT saying. And the second thing you should do is not double down on your dumbth when you get caught in the act of making straw-feminists. But more than anything else, you really need to look into that nasty-wasty feminist concept otherwise known as READING COMPREHENSION. It’s taught in elementary school for a reason, kiddo.

10. Shimon Fucking Samuels. Awwww. Isn’t it sad? The Simon Wiesenthalers have run out of Nazis to hunt, so they’ve BECOME them. And now they’re hunting Jews who support human rights for Palestinians. And they’re using the 75th anniversary of Kristallnacht as their occasion for doing so…without the faintest hint of awareness of the irony. Somewhere, Nietzsche is palming his face soooooo hard.

11. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Talk about nerve: She doesn’t want to give up her senate pension, even though she’s suspended (should have been FIRED), thanks to her double- and triple-dipping travel expenses. Oh yeah, and there’s also the fact that she was a tyrant with her staff. Which is what sparked the investigation into her irregularities in the first place. Shoulda been nicer to the help, eh Pammy?

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12 and 13. Michael Fucking Robertson and Michelle Fucking Menken. Sorry, punk, but you don’t get to sue for the right to break anti-voyeurism laws. They are there for a reason, and nobody cares what your sad boner thinks. As for you, lady lawyer defending this punk, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention disbarred for not understanding that upskirt photos are NOT speech, and certainly not protected under any constitutional amendment. And oh yeah, that the space under a woman’s skirt is NOT public, and that no one should have a “reasonable expectation” of being photographed from that angle by random creepers.

14 and 15. Amber Fucking Langford and Annie Fucking Collinge. You can see that they put a lot of thought into their “Sexy 9-11” Halloween costumes. Too bad none of those thoughts were along the lines of “You know, this is really fucking tasteless and a terrible idea.”

16. Ryan Fucking Firoved. Pro tip #1: Never brag about raping children. Pro tip #2: Never rape children (or adults, for that matter). Pro tip #3: Never forget #1 and #2.

17. Anthony Fucking Brinkman. Pro tip #4: See above, and also do not advertise your own daughter as a prospective victim, you fucking pervert.

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18 and 19. Chip and Shannon Fucking Wilson. You two really don’t give a shit if no one ever buys your overpriced, and definitely overrated, yogawear again, eh? Because if you’re gonna make an inferior product in sizes XXS through MicrofuckingSCOPIC, and then slap a $100 price tag on it, and then blame the fatty-fat-fat-ass buyer for that flimsy, see-through shit pilling, that’s what’s gonna happen. Yogis and yoginis are gonna go Galt on you. Just so you know. PS: I’m typing this wearing a surprisingly well-fitting $29.97 pair of cotton/spandex yoga pants from Zellers, just so you know. And they’re two years old and still haven’t pilled, even on my gap-free thighs. How is that even possible, considering that Zellers never claimed to be all high-tech and shit, like you?

20. Paul Fucking Elam. If you ever wondered just how stupid this leading “Men’s HUMAN Rights” jackass is, wonder no more. He got taken in by an obviously fake (says so right on the label!) news site, and promptly shot his gulliver off with a big sulphurous blast of apologia for rape culture, complete with silly “stick it to the man” (heh) rhetoric about “democracy” and how bad bosses can be fired (nope; they only ever fall up) and shit. Even funnier: He tried to scrub it after someone tipped him off, but not before Teh Googlez caught and cached the evidence of his raging irrational little ol’ testicles running out of control. PS: Dude sure puts the ASS in clASSy. And just think, he claims he used to be an addiction counsellor! I fear for anyone who was ever once his client, if that’s true. His judgy-ass misogyny and misanthropy just reek from his pores like stale old booze.

21. Jim Bob Fucking Duggar. He wants to make sure abortion is banned so women don’t have any cause for regret? Awwww, bless his heart. I don’t suppose it’s ever occurred to him that women can regret having kids, although I’ve seen evidence that they often do — especially after trying to re-enter the workforce once the little ones are in school. But then again, in Quiverfull Cloud Cuckoo Land, women don’t work at anything other than reproduction, so I guess that salient point is moot.

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22. John Fucking Stossel. Waaaaaa, poor people aren’t allowed to sell their spare kidneys! What is the world coming to? Its senses, obviously. Must suck to be a minarchist flibbertigibbertarian, always bucking one’s big dumb skull up against reality like that…

23. Jered Fucking Ragon. Waaaaaa, school kids aren’t allowed to see icky-poo anti-choice crapaganda put out by wannabe church bombers! What is the world coming to? Its senses, again. Damn those senses! Must suck to be a rabid woman-hater, seething with explosive rage that evil wicked wimmin are not doing with their bodies what you would have them do. And hey! He’s some kind of anti-government wacko, too! He and #22 should get together and discuss this whole “small gummint” thing, eh?

24. Bob Fucking Butt. White poppies for peace are “copyright infringement”? Um, NO. That would be someone other than the Royal Canadian Legion selling identical RED poppies, you war-glorifying tool.

25. Antonin Fucking Scalia. If you’re so worried about devil worshippers praying in public, shouldn’t you be opposed to public prayer? And if you’re such a good Christian, again, shouldn’t you be opposed? Because Jesus sure was; even told people to go pray quietly in their closets so as not to be hypocrites. Oops!

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26. Justin Fucking Bieber. Three words: Racist monkey graffiti. Okay, three more: Brazilian prostitute video. PS: Can’t you buy your own bike, you little shit? Lord knows you’ve bought everything else.

27. Larry Fucking Busby. And the trainwreck otherwise known (laughably) as Romeo Rose continues. This week, it’s rampant sexism, rape apologia, homophobia, transphobia, flibbertigibbertarianism, racism, racism, more racism, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT RACISM BATMAN. Plus a lot of general ew-yuck. All in one big mental meltdown on the tweeter. Who knew that 140 characters or less could be so fucking disgusting?

28. David Fucking Arnett. Owning one’s shit is obviously a thing of the past. Srsly, this whole “I’m sorry IF you were offended” non-apology thing has got to go.

29. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Hey ladies! Put down your slutty slut-slut pills and listen up. This week, we’re all “abortion machines”. Isn’t that special? This never-been-pregnant abortion machine is now taking bets as to when the Pigman’s Viagra/oxycodone habit finally busts that one dangerously weak blood vessel in his brain. Any day…any minute…any microsecond at all now…

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30. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Hey ladies! How would you like to throw down $250 on cocktails and dinner (and maybe pillow talk) with the sexay Liberal leader? What’s that? You don’t have the money to throw around? You think he’s really kind of a lightweight, and not just in the boxing ring? You’re worried about the tar sands and the Keystone XL pipeline? You don’t think capitalist dictatorship China is a good role model for the west? Sorry, ladies, I guess he’s JUST not that INto you, ha ha.

31. Jo Fucking Jordan. So lemme see if I got this straight (sorry): You’re gay, and you’re a Democrat, and you voted against same-sex marriage rights in Hawaii? Even though you personally believe in it, and so do over 50% of Hawaiians? What fucking fresh hell of cognitive dissonance is this?

32 and 33. Kathy and Diane Fucking Ford. Yup, that’s right, the whole Ford family is now in deep wank. These two for their obvious enabling and silly rationalizing. No, being fat is NOT the problem with Robbo. I’ve known my share of fat people, and none of them were raving psychopaths. Probably because none of them smoked crack, in a drunken stupor or otherwise. And also because none of them were right-wing politicians and petty tyrants from the shitty ‘burbs of the Big Smoke.

34. Jim Fucking Flaherty. I’ve never seen a garden gnome cry before, much less over a crack-smokin’ psycho mayor. Turns out they’re old drinking buddies, and that Jimbo and Robbo’s dad were in Mike Fucking Harris’s Ontario legislature together. Will wonders never cease?

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35. Julian Fucking Fantino. It’s kind of rich that a crooked cop whose specialty was busting gay bathhouses would suddenly feel himself so honor-bound to pay lip service to the same veterans he’s been screwing out of benefits, ignoring and generally neglecting. It’s no wonder Harpo picked him for Veterans’ Affairs; it fits with the overall pattern of SupposiTory ministers whose job it is to wreck the departments they represent. All the more reason to put on that white poppy and be an uncomfortable reminder of the truth.

36. George W. Fucking Bush. Yup, that’s right, Dubya has actually resurfaced, hand on cock. This time, he’s trying to convert Jews to Christianity and bring back the Messiah. In his mind, no doubt, he IS the fucking Messiah. In reality, he’s a major reason why so few Jews vote Republican.

37. Tom Fucking Cruise. Bitch, please. You do not train remotely as hard as an Olympian, and your location shoots are nothing like a tour in Afghanistan. You come back with your limbs and your mind (such as it is) intact. You’re a colossal wimp, is what you are. And deluded by the cult of Scientology into thinking you’re some kind of god, too. More than anything else, though, you’re just a shitty actor.

38. Brett Fucking Wilson. To the #RedPoppy moron – be clear – the @WhitePoppy peace movement does not disrespect veterans. You don’t speak for them. #STFUjackass

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39. Preston Fucking Manning. Grandfather of Canada’s dirty-politics wingnut party calls Nigel Fucking Wright “the most ethical person” he knows. That really isn’t saying much, is it? I mean, this is the whiny-voiced asswipe whose oily right-wing “institute” tried to edge Canada’s best mayor out of office, fer Christsakes. Nigel, you need to find better friends.

40. Patrick Fucking Howley. Shorter: Gays used to be so cool before they started agitating for equality and respect! Item: the fucking idiot who wrote that isn’t gay. And obviously hasn’t experienced any of the myriad uncool things that gay guys endured in the Cool Old Gloryhole Days of Sexy Inequality, like for instance getting murdered, firebombed, raided by #35, and electroshocked in an effort to “cure” them of it. And let’s not forget how rampant homophobia was the real driving force behind that oh-so-cool gay club scene, where AIDS haunted the scenesters like an unsexy spectre. PS: The “boring”, dude-next-door type of gay man existed back then, too. In fact, one of them was a badass leading gay rights activist. Correction: more than one.

41. Dave Fucking Wilson. How the hell did this old white fucker trick voters into thinking he’s black? Did he hire black actors to pretend they were him? Or did he just rub on the blackface and give a good ol’-fashioned minstrel show, complete with Amos ‘n’ Andy jokes and clacking knucklebones? However he did it, well, now he’s got to face all those angry black folks in his district…and Karma will not be kind to his ass. Ha, ha.

42. Edwin Charles Fucking Tobergta. Dude, you know you’ve got hands, right? And there’s such a thing as privacy, too. How about exercising both next time you get the urge to hump an inanimate object in public?

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43. Young Fucking Lee. What the fuck is the world coming to when rich bitches can’t beat homeless people half to death with tire irons anymore? Sheesh.

44. Dom Fucking Sagolla. Charlatans in Silicon Valley? A twit who didn’t co-create Twitter? Whatever the FUCK is the world coming to?

45. Damon Fucking Bruce. I used to wonder why sports talk radio didn’t interest me one bit, why it alienated and repulsed me so fucking much. And then this dumbfuck starts in on women daring to have opinions, and suddenly, I remember. He’s only emblematic of what’s wrong with the whole damn boorish, chauvinistic industry. Good job, asshole. Hope your station can take the hit in lost listeners…and ad revenue.

46. John C. Fucking Kelly. Consent to have sex is not consent to be taped having sex. You have to obtain that separately, stoopid…although I seriously doubt you’d get it now that your little secret is out, ha ha.

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47. Monte Fucking McNaughton. No, “right to work” laws won’t revive Ontario’s manufacturing sector. Try killing NAFTA…except, since that’s your Brian Fucking Mulroney’s baby, I guess it won’t happen. And this is why Ontario won’t be turning blue again anytime soon. Except, maybe, from holding its collective breath waiting for REAL answers.

48. Richie Fucking Incognito. What an ironic name! I never knew of him until this week. And given his extensive track record for boorish asshole behavior, I wish I still didn’t.

49. Larry Fucking Pratt. Meanwhile, this one’s name is not a bit ironic, but rather quite fitting. What else would YOU call someone who believed that Trayvon Martin got shot (apparently deservedly) because he came from a divorced family? Jeez, it’s like all these “responsible” gun owners don’t believe that someone who shoots a gun should be held responsible for their own actions anymore. Now THAT’s ironic!

50. Glenn Fucking Beck. At this point it feels like shooting fish in a barrel to list him, but…wankers gonna wank.

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And finally, to everyone who knew about the fucking “Roast Busters”, and did nothing. That includes school officials, the fucking Auckland police, and family and friends of the perpetrators. Not only are you doing nothing toward a solution, you people are the problem. You wonder why so few rape victims come forward to press charges? Stop fucking wondering. When an ugly incident, even one as egregious as this, gets actively swept under the rug, there’s no more doubt. You people ARE rape culture. And the shame belongs rightfully to every one of you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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