Wankers of the Week: Planes, Trains, and Automoboobs

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Amurrican Wanksgiving. I hope you’ve digested enough by now to be able to read this, and enjoy, because there were plenty of wanks given all week long. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. John Fucking Baird. Barely is the ink dry on the big Iran-US-etc. peace treaty, and already Squealer has opened his obnoxious cakehole to “express doubts” about the whole thing, citing “made-in-Canada foreign policy” and a load of other nonsense. Yo, Squealer? No one asked you. Go back to your closet, already.

2. John Fucking Derbyshire. If you’re going to opine about a movie, shouldn’t you, I dunno, see it first, or something? Oh wait, I forgot…this is John Fucking Racist Pervyshire we’re talking about here. If it’s got black people in it, he hates it in advance. On “principle”, of course.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Newsflash, Screech: God has nothing to do with FUX Snooze. You’re thinking of Satan, dear.

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4. Scott Fucking Walker. Newsflash, Snotty Wanker: There is NOTHING “healthy” OR “balanced” about granting marriage rights to one group and denying them to another. Why the fuck are you still in office, you dumb fuck?

5. Miley Fucking Cyrus. Dear God, she even corrupted a cute little LOLkitten with her Pedobear routine. A KITTEN. Please, think of the kittens!

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. Icky Ricky’s holiday film is a predictable flop. Don’t quit your day job…er…well, actually…damn. Now I haz a confuzzle. Just go the fuck AWAY, okay?

7. Joseph Fucking Farah. Only the WingNut Daily could spin a failed kook rally into a “show of force”. Um, try a show of FARCE, since the force was distinctly NOT with them. Teabags and tinfoil, the gift of stoopid that keeps on giving…

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8. Suzanne Fucking Venker. Oh look who venked again this veek…sorry, WANKED this WEEK. Yup, it’s Phyllis Fucking Schlafly’s equally antiquated and clueless fucking niece, trying to sell us on the “career or marriage, but not both, so you better just pick marriage” bullshit that is her sole stock in trade. She’s such a one-note wonder, you really don’t have to ask if nepotism is still a thing. In conservahack circles, it most certainly is.

9. Katherine Fucking Svenson. And speaking of barnacles from Phyllis Fucking Schlafly’s bunghole, how about this one? She thinks trans kids should be “castrated” (her actual word!) before they get to use the washrooms of the appropriate gender. Otherwise, they should go use the ones pertaining to their physical sex, and risk a hefty gay-bashing and maybe death. Well, she’s nothing if not totally humane (said Auntie Bina, snarking all over herself.)

10. Larry Fucking Barnett. Pro tip: If you’re going to order a hit on someone who pissed you off, don’t butt-dial your intended victim. Also, don’t order hits on people who piss you off. That shit is illegal for a reason, y’know.

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11. David Fucking Price. “Ladies, let ur man drive” is not good advice if your man is a crappy driver. Or if, like many guys, he got an early start on his weekend bender this week. And it’s especially shitty advice if you don’t have (or want) a man.

12. Ian Fucking Watkins. You know you’re beyond redemption when your crimes are too horrible even for the tabloids to detail. But what really makes this a wank is the denial early in the case. That is, before the cops cracked open his hard drive and found the proof — and the awful pictures — all saved for future reference. Ugh.

13. Robert Fucking Carr. And once more, the childish mindset of the “sovereign citizens” bowel movement comes across loud and clear, exploiting loopholes in the law to the ends of the lawless. Don’t worry, kiddies, this shit’s not legal. And that house was NOT abandoned. And contempt of court cannot just be written off, either.

14. Bill Fucking Donohue. Can’t handle the truth? Too fucking bad. You don’t get to pull the plug on it.

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15. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. And speaking of can’t-handle-the-truth, how about HER? Same-sex marriage between two people who love each other apparently does more damage than a loveless marriage of the other kind. Teh Stoopid, it BURNS.

16. Richard Fucking Land. Baby Scoop Era, anyone? He thinks it’s “selfish” to be a single mother, when you could give up your baby for adoption by Christians. As though married bible-thumpers were any less likely to abuse a child not of their own flesh and blood. And as though it were not selfish of them to do so. Or to expect unmarried women to just hand over babies without a second thought.

17. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Sorry, Trudizzle, but this is your dumbest and most arrogant wank yet. I’ve met Jack Layton, and you, sir, are not he. In fact, you’re no Pierre E. Trudeau, either.

18. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Yup, John Jacob Jingleheimer is just like that clock with the little birdie inside it…reliably going cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo on the hour. This week, it’s transgender demons out to rape all yer daughters in the public washrooms! Only no such incident has ever happened. It’s only ever been cis-het dudes. And they don’t need to dress up in drag, either. Or excuse their actions with a minority gender orientation.

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19. Pamela Fucking Geller. Speaking of clockwork cuckoos, yup, it’s HER again. And this time, she’s accusing Pope Francis (whom I’m actually starting to like, Bog help us all) of being an imam. And of course, she’s misquoting the Qur’an to justify her shit. Yes, Pammy, that’s it — go ahead and marginalize yourself into total irrelevance. It can’t happen any too soon.

20. Stuart Fucking Varney. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker, what is it with people piling on the Pope this week? Last week’s sexist wanker is this week’s crapitalist wanker. And trust me, dude, the man doesn’t need any lectures on the nature of THAT particular beast. Lest you forget, he comes from Argentina, which has more than once been offered up as “liberatory” crapitalism’s sacrificial lamb. Sit down and shut up, and start taking that sermon to heart. You need to hear him more than he needs to hear you.

21. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Dude, you have a strange idea of heroism. Peddling a bogus story should get a reporter fired, not put on leave — and much less rewarded for getting it wrong.

22. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Well, whaddya know. Hipster Preacher is a fuckin’ poser. And a dirty, oily effin’ hypocrite. Shocked, shocked.

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23. Alex Fucking Jones. I don’t think Suzanne Collins would be at all pleased to hear that a known kook and conspiracy-monger is treating her novels as if they were NONfiction. Or trying to use them as a platform to promote himself…which is more than a little ironic, all things considered.

24. Alec Fucking Baldwin. Yes, why don’t you open your mouth even wider and stick the other foot in? Oh, I see you already did. Well. Now that you’ve gone big, you can finally go home. Please.

25. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh joy, oh bliss. Just in time for the holidays, Biff has released a CD of music to make the Baby Jesus cry. Pity he won’t end up drowning Biff in all those tears.

26. Maria Fucking Kang. Sorry, not sorry you got blocked on Facebook (however temporarily) for your horrible, fat-shaming concern-trolling, which I’m sure is just your way of drumming up profitable business for yourself. Or maybe it’s (also) another ill-disguised cry for help. Honey, until you pick up the phone and call that shrink, they can’t help you get over that eating disorder. Or your insufferable narcissism. So, Maria…WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE? PS: It’s affects, not “effects”. Shape up your fucking grammar, lady. There’s no excuse for being such a crappy writer.

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27. Boris Fucking Johnson. Oh look! The Insufferable Perambulating Haystack has bloviated again. And this time, it’s to resurrect the ghost of Maggie Fucking Milk-Snatcher, and the obsolete “greed is good” canard that got Gordon Gekko into such deep shit. Did none of these fiscal imbeciles ever watch Wall Street to the end? Gekko goes to jail, fergawdsakes. And he didn’t do the economy any favors, either. And there is a reason for that: Money doesn’t just materialize out of the ether…and if someone gets an inordinate amount of it, they got it at the expense of someone else. DUH!

28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh yeah, and the Pigman is on the pope-bashing bandwagon, too. His predictable wank: MARXISM!!! Which of course he says like it’s a bad thing…which of course it is not.

29. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. No, sorry, talking like the worst white racist will not make your fellow rightards forget that you’re brown. Or anybody else forget that you’re a lying, cheating, hypocritical asshat.

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30. David Fucking Cameron. Piggybacking on the wankery of #27, there’s the Brit Twit in Chief. How it must boggle his mind to realize that the poorest pay a greater percentage of their income in taxes than the richest…if he only had a brain.

31. Elizabeth Fucking May. Riddle me this: How does a nation’s Green Party leader actually get behind Israel and its “make the desert bloom” travesty? And for that matter, the ruination of Palestinian olive groves and that environmental catastrophe known as Operation Cast Lead? I don’t know, but I do know who I won’t be voting for in the foreseeable future.

32. Rob Fucking Ford. With his official powers curbed by a City Hall vote, Robbo’s star is on the wane. So what does he do to try to bump it up again and make Frod Nation look like something other than a (crack) pipe dream? Go on FUX Snooze and party like it’s 1999. PS: And for those who still believe he saved the taxpayers money, here’s your proof that he fucked you over for a boondoggle. Feel stupid yet? You should. PS: Ha, ha.

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33. Tammi Fucking Rossman-Benjamin. When all you’ve got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. And when you’re a raving Zionist, everything looks like antisemitism. I have a feeling that “wolf” is the only word this troll knows.

34. Brian Fucking Pallister. Happy holidays, infidel atheists, from the SupposiTory leader of Manitoba! Well, from the heart of my pagan bottom, thanks a buttload, Brian. And the same to you.

35. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yay, finally he’s going to Israel, after all these years of up-sucking and palm-greasing and lip-servicing to make it look like he wasn’t really an antisemite at heart. I guess it was high bloody time. And it only took a Liberal to shame him into it, too!

36. Jeb Fucking Bush. Why?

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That’s why. If anyone thought he’d possibly turn out to be smarter than Dubya, you can hereby put THAT notion to rest. They’re both fucking stupid!

37. Vladimir Fucking Putin. No Christmas for Sochi, even by the Russian calendar? That’s harsh.

38. Charles Fucking Saatchi. Aaaaand Chokey Charley comes out with a conveniently timed “bombshell revelation” that smells suspiciously of bullshit. Even if it were true (evidence is, strangely, NOT in evidence), I’d say that any woman who was married to a turd like him for ten years is fully entitled to whatever self-medication she needs to get her through it all. And now she is well out of it. Good for her!

39. Peter LaFucking Barbera. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone…even though the faggy faggy fag-fags have ruined it. What happened — did a gay guy take off with his turkey? Poop in his pumpkin pie? Crap in his cranberries? WHAT?

40. Pat Fucking Robertson. Meanwhile, Predictable Patwa is blaming Muslims for bringing demonology home for the holidays. How much longer, O Cthulhu?

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And finally, to all the people who crashed doors yesterday, or camped out the night before waiting to. Especially these two Taser-fighting wackaloons here. And let’s not forget the fine folks of WallyWorld, who STILL haven’t paid the fine for that temp who got killed on Black Friday five fucking years ago. The fine was $7000; they’ve spent millions fighting it. And they haven’t done a damn thing to prevent more incidents like it from happening in future, either; that would mean (a) being accountable, and (b) admitting guilt. Congratulations, WallyWorld! You people are everything that’s wrong with your country; nay, the world.

Good night, and get fucked!

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