Wankers of the Week: Robbo eats WHAT?

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Guess I don’t need to tell you what’s on the menu at Rob Fucking Ford’s house, eh? Yeah, he really said that. And upon hearing, an entire city lost its collective appetite…for just about everything. It’s pretty hard to top that for gross, but several people (and a river dolphin with a decapitated fish) did give it the ol’ college try this week. And here they are, in no particular order…

1. Tony Fucking Perkins. Denying birth control to women? That’s not “liberty”, that’s MISOGYNY. Of course, this is a totally sexually unattractive man we’re talking about here, so I guess one can see where it comes from with him, eh? Also, the Pilgrims weren’t Catholic, so there’s that. And birth control, primitive and unreliable as it was, was being used even in those days. But then again, this is a totally historically ignorant fool talking, so I guess we can safely discard anything he says, eh?

2. Craig Paul Fucking Cobb. How sweet is it to learn that this self-styled “white separatist” is a little over 1/8 black? Yeah, dude, good luck trying to split yourself off from 14% of your own genes. “Oil and water”, my ass. Try HUMAN and HUMAN. (And have fun getting shunned by your fellow racists, too.)

3. Pamela Fucking Wallin. While Pammy-pie was whining about her own “lack of due process”, it bears noting that she did not give a shit for Omar Khadr, who’s gone without the same for a great deal longer. I guess it helps to be rich, white and blond, eh?

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4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Another week, another wank. And since the Paliness has another ghost-written doorstop to flog (just in time for the holidays, after which it will hit the remainder bin), of course she’s out there whackin’ it for all she’s worth (which is less than one might think, considering all the noise she puts out). But riddle me this, O idiotess: How the hell does one “protect the heart of Christmas” by fucking COMMERCIALIZING it? That’s a bit like prostituting for chastity. Actually, it’s EXACTLY that. PS: If the national debt is “just like slavery”, then Dubya’s your master, because he ran it up with all his wars-for-profit. PPS: We can has shuddup, pls? No, srsly, just STFU. Kthxbai.

5. Joseph Fucking Parker. Gee, one would think that a rape-gang leader would be brave enough to face justice when Karma comes calling. Guess we now know just what a little bed-wetter this one is underneath all that bravado and swagger, eh?

6 and 7. John Fucking Tamihere and Willie Fucking Jackson. Yeah, good job babbling about how bitches are all just like “rape me, rape me”, eh? How’s that suspension hanging? I hope it’s permanent.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look. The Pigman’s too cowardly to utter a phrase like “cum dumpster” on the air, even though he’s obviously thinking it, and he wants all his listeners to be thinking it, too. But he doesn’t dare say it. Probably because he knows his sponsorships are hanging by a thread, and that the wrong phrase can cut them off altogether. Snip, snip!

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9. Moshe Fucking Abutbul. Trust me, Mr. Mayor, there are SO gay people in your town. You just don’t know it. You might not know where they are, or who they are, but that’s because they know what you’re like, and they’re not about to tell YOU.

10. Richard Fucking Cohen. Oh goodie, I was wondering when he’d wank again. And whaddya know…he decided to be the white water-carrier for the Repugnican party (and its “conventional views”), just in an effort to prove they’re not racist. But to do so, he had to get right down in the racist muck and criticize Bill DeBlasio’s interracial marriage (and his “used to be a lesbian” wife). Nope, no racism there. Just “conventional views”! PS: Sign, sign, sign…and don’t forget to check the “I read the WaHoPo” box.

11. Justin Fucking Bieber. ¡Buenas noches, Buenos Aires! Lo siento que había ese mocoso entre ustedes. Nosotros tampoco lo queremos en Canadá. Yeah, he just soiled our collective reputation on the international stage again. He seems to be in competition with Stephen Fucking Harper. One of these days, he’s gonna fly back home from some Latin American country…in a motherfucking box. Now taking bets as to which country it will be… PS: Oh fucking HELL NO. PPS: I’m sure this comes as a terrible shock to absolutely no one. Welcome to total douchedom, Biebs. And way to alienate the little girls.

12. Rand Fucking Paul. Footnotes are totally not plagiarism…they’re just big red flags that tip you off to Bongwater Buddha’s plagiarism. Big difference!

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13. Pat Fucking Robertson. How to talk to your gay kid? Ask if his coach molested him! Because Teh Ghey is totally contagious, and is passed from adults to children. Yeah, that’s it. I mean, that’s totally how Teh Straight gets passed down to girls from grown men, right?

14. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Meanwhile, for other right-wing tips on how to deal with gay kids, we get the ol’ fire ‘n’ brimstone trip from Lyin’ Bryan. Someone ought to sue him for the cost of all the therapy this “advice” is going to end up leading to.

15. David Fucking Cameron. Crapitalism lessons for schoolkids? Not necessary. They’re gonna learn soon enough from the School of Hard Knocks what it’s like to be fucked up the arse from cradle to grave, anyhow. PS: An actual Memory Hole? How very Nineteen Eighty-Four!

16. Theresa Fucking May. This one surely deserves some kind of booby prize for cockamamie idea of the week. If you’re going to strip an accused terrorist of British citizenship, shouldn’t you first wait until he’s, I dunno, actually CONVICTED of something? Because otherwise, the entire British parliament is gonna be left pretty much stateless. Wait! On second thought…

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17. Chip Fucking Wilson. Apology not accepted, onaccounta your pants (and YOU) still suck.

18. Joseph Fucking Small. Because this list would not be complete without at least one actual, literal wanker — ladies and gentlemen, the pride of Sheffield, England has just figured out a totally new, off-label, and definitely novel way to use a fire extinguisher. We can only be thankful that there was no actual fire at the time. But hey, there WAS xenophobic racism…always lovely.

19. Bill Fucking Price. So, rape is an appropriate “punishment” for the “crime” of feminism, eh? And therefore, it logically follows that prison rape is okay for male (self-professed) feminists like Hugo Schwyzer, who’s in on DUI charges right now. Yeah, that’s flawless reasoning right there…courtesy of the “Men’s HUMAN Rights” crocks, who are always bullshitting on about how more men than women get raped, and who always brandish prison rape as their bloody shirt. And who do not the least thing about it (ranting and bogus stat-waving doesn’t count, guys — here, have some REAL stats). And when all’s said (and with their gusty winds, it always takes them FOREVER to get done saying it), they’re actually quite all right with raping anyone who isn’t a man. Or who isn’t man enough to fit their oddly narrow definition of masculinity. Stay classy, guys.

20. Bradlee Fucking Dean. I have a better idea: How about we jail this hate-mongering failed rocker asshole instead? After all, he IS calling for treason, not to mention the wholesale jailing of political enemies. A taste of his own medicine would do him some good, methinks.

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21. David Fucking Barton. PTSD isn’t real if you’re a bible-thumpin’ Christian! Except that it IS real, no matter who you are, and God doesn’t discriminate between the righteous and the unrighteous, because it’s not a punishment for unbelief, and in any case, the bible never cured anything. War itself is an unnatural state (remember what I blogged on this earlier?), and therefore, PTSD is only to be expected. This asshat is not a real historian, and neither is he qualified to comment on matters of mental health with any semblance of authority.

22. Rafael Fucking Cruz. Atheism leads to WHAT? Um, NO. But it’s pretty obvious to me what religious derangement leads to. What do you bet it won’t be long before someone uncovers a child-sized skeleton in HIS closet?

23. Keith Fucking Jeffries. Nice to see that slimy, grotty, victim-blaming defence attorneys aren’t limited to the Northern Hemisphere. New Zealand’s got ’em too. Pro tip, Kiwi Keith: If you don’t want to get called a wanker, better zip your fuckin’ lip. Or find a way to actually make people believe your guilty client is innocent that doesn’t involve slandering the injured party…wanker.

24. Shawn Fucking Calpito. Can you NOT SEE that fascism is asinine, especially on your bumper? Jeebus.

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25. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Gomer! Is that you again, standing there with your hand down your pants? Get it out where we can see it…and no, I do NOT mean your dick. I mean your hand. Jesus. And stop telling your president to formulate his foreign policy according to a fucked-up book of fiction, too.

26. Justin Fucking Lookadoo. Look, a douche! Between that name, that sexism, that “faith-based” shit, and the admission that reading and writing were his two worst subjects at school, and oh yeah, THAT HAIR, this “dateable” dillweed just satirizes himself. I just wish he wouldn’t do it in public.

27. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Well, how about that? Charlie wants to “help” Robbo! With what, I don’t know. Smoking crack? Eating cats? “Winning”? WHAT?

28. Alec Fucking Baldwin. Look, I don’t care if that pesky paparazzo was gay as a friggin’ bird of paradise, or if sausage is his favorite dish. You don’t get to go around calling people homophobic slurs. And I don’t care how fucking famous you are, either. PS: Ha, ha.

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29. Ted Fucking Cruz. The man who was all hot and horny for the congressional shutdown now says he wasn’t trying for one. And of course, no one in the audience believed him. The only real question in my mind is, how did someone this dissociated ever manage to get elected in the first place? And who was dumb enough to vote for him?

30. Rob Fucking Ford. In addition to being a known cat-eater, Robbo would like you to know that he considers himself a role model. Yes, really. Stop laughing, you there in the Peanut Gallery! Tweedledum is fucking serious, you guys!

31. Doug Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, Tweedledee is so bad an enabler that at least one vodka company has come forward to urge customers to drink responsibly, i.e. consume in moderation and not drive if they’ve had any. And just think, this is why Toronto City Hall is so full of long and blushing faces lately. Well, this and the yet unresolved question of why Anthony Smith was killed.

32. Thomas Fucking Paprocki. Apparently the good news from the Vatican that gays are human has yet to reach a certain part of Illinois, because this self-styled exorcist is hoping to work his imaginary powers over an entire state. Am I terrible for hoping that it spits up pea soup all over him?

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33. Kevin Fucking Trudeau. Guess who doesn’t want you to know that this diet scamster is in jail? No, not some imaginary “they”. It’s he himself! And it’s a wonder that his horrific “miracle” weight-loss plan hasn’t actually killed anyone, because judging by the specs, it easily could.

34. Fred Fucking Hiatt. Richard Fucking Cohen needs a lot more than just one sentence edited; he needs to be erased altogether from the WaHoPo’s masthead. I knew he was full of shit the day I saw he had chosen to rail against Chavecito in his craptacular column. And given his habit of gagging so much, shouldn’t he be packed off to a gastroenterologist? Or an ENT spesh? Because he does not sound like a well man to me. Either way, the last thing he needs is his editor covering for him. Fire them both.

35. Katharine Fucking Weymouth. Racism is just “conventional views”? Brilliant! Um, fire her too, somebody, please. Racism ceased to be “conventional” about two generations ago.

36. Larry Fucking Klayman. You say you want a revolution? Well, you know…you gotta actually have ideas and supporters, not wild threats of junk lawsuits. I seem to remember this wackaloon (or someone claiming to be working for him) threatening to sue ME for laughing at his “revolutionary” attempts to sue Chavecito. So far, no subpoena has showed up, either here or at Miraflores. It’s been a couple of years now. Still waiting… PS: Ha, ha.

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37. Lila Fucking Rose. Surprise! Lie- has absolutely no problem endorsing clinic-terrorizing anti-choice groups who also encourage fake volunteer clinic escorts to kidnap and “minister to” frightened abortion patients, so they miss their appointments. This is all of a piece with her crapaganda cottage industry, of course.

38. Thomas Fucking Buhls. Dude, your “white ethno-state” was born 80 years ago, and died 12 years later. That Nazi shit is totally passé. It’s the 21st century, so fucking grow up and get over your fucked-up racism, already.

39. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Lady, instead of getting your ancient panty-girdle in a bunch over Muslims, how about you start saying something about all the polygamous white fundie-Mormons instead? They’re eating up welfare in several states, and the men are getting rich at the expense of oppressed women. But then again, look who I’m talking to. Oppressed women are fine with you, aren’t they? It’s only non-Christian and non-white people that bug you, eh?

40. James Fucking Woodroof. Riddle me this: How is it possible for a guy who repeatedly raped a 14-year-old to get a 40 year sentence, yet not serve any time behind bars at all? I don’t know, but apparently Hizzoner does. And he wangled it, no doubt setting the offender up perfectly to get away with doing it all over again.

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And finally, to US Fucking Airways. Unfortunately, the impatient flight attendant who threw a blind man and his guide dog off the flight wasn’t named, so I can’t wank-list her individually. But since the airline doesn’t seem to have a coherent and compassionate policy for passengers with assistance dogs, one that would place them in a front row seat so that they and the animal would have enough room to move and sit comfortably, I think a wank-listing of an entire airline is more than justified, yes? You know what to do, people…fucking fix your policy, already!

Good night, and get fucked!

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