Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, I guess you heard about WallyWorld, huh? They pay their employees so little that now they’re urging other employees to donate non-perishable food items for them. What do you bet that those canned and boxed foods will end up right back on the shelves, to be resold, all unbeknownst to the generous donors? I wouldn’t put anything past the horrid, greedy Walton clan…or these people either, in no particular order:
1. Boris Fucking Johnson. Forget about taxing the super-rich! The Mad Perambulating Haystack thinks those poor, beleaguered babies should be given tax breaks and free knighthoods, and that we should all stop “bashing” them (like the homeless) for having more money than they know what to do with, and just reward them instead for hoarding it and keeping it out of circulation. Funny, but I don’t recall anyone ever kicking a rich man or setting him afire in a bus shelter, and getting off scot-free. And considering that British Rail is in steep decline since it was privatized, I’d say the rich are NOT holding up their end of that bargain, either. TL; DR: Boris, go home. You’re drunk!
2. Martin Fucking Bashir. Look, we all hate Sarah Fucking Dumbass Palin just as much as YOU do. But pooping in her mouth? Come ON. She is full of shit already! She doesn’t NEED anyone else’s help!
4. Marco Fucking Rubio. The clown prince of the Teabagger Party is out to clinch his nomination for court jester of US politics, I see. And judging by the homophobia levels, I’d say a little pink tutu-clad skeleton is about due to kick down his closet door any day now.
5. Peggy Fucking Noonan. What? She’s still alive, and still believing in “miracles”, when electricity and powered flight have been a thing for DECADES, and have been perfectly explicable throughout that time, to anyone who’s not a complete fool? And how does someone this dumb end up writing for the Wall Street Urinal, anyway? I know it’s not the smartest paper in the world, but this is pathetic even for them. Someone please pull her plug, already.
6. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck. And the quest to see who can be the dimmest bulb on the string continues! You can be pregnant, or you can be elderly, but you can’t be both. And in any case, she’s lying about Obamacare. Par for the course at FUX Snooze!
9. George Fucking Zimmerman. Another week, another wank, another arrest for a domestic disturbance. So what the fuck is new? Oh, and get this: She’s allegedly pregnant! And he tried to choke her just days before! And he tried to make out like SHE was the crazy one, and get HER arrested! And he sent a dirty pic to her daughter! The one good thing to come out of all this is that now, he will no longer be allowed to own guns. A judgment long overdue, of course. (Okay, make that two: His estranged wife finally got to serve him those divorce papers.)
10. Martha Fucking Stewart. The first rule of food porn is to make your shit look appetizing, not to make your appetizers look like shit. Someone please show her where the filters are on Instagram, and how to use them! (And it might also help to tell her to stop dining at trendy places just because they’re trendy; their food is so SAD.)
11. Rob Fucking Ford. And again, Robbo just can’t hold his inner boor…er…IN. He bowled down a city councillor and gave her a fat lip, then went on to assert that he wasn’t a crackhead, AGAIN. If anyone still believes him, please write to me in the comment slot below. I’ve got a lovely bridge in Brooklyn that I’ll sell you for a song! PS: HA ha!
12. Doug Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, Tweedledee comes very touchingly to Tweedledum’s aid, albeit in the usual irony-impaired manner. Get off those crosses, you guys, Habitat for Humanity needs the fucking lumber!
13. Stuart Fucking Varney. Are old men’s brains inherently chauvinist? Let’s ask this old fart from FUX Snooze.
14. George W. Fucking Bush. Oh look! Dubya’s decided that fake-ranch life is too boring, and that he has to wank in the public sight once more. Awww, how touching. So when do we get to see this war-criminal and environmental nightmare take that perp walk in his orange pajamas? PS: And he weighed in on Robbo, too. Like we really needed him to do that.
15. Dick Fucking Cheney. Meanwhile, the Big Dick lives up to his nick in the biggest way possible…by supporting his bigoted daughter over his lesbian one. Nice to see that buying someone else’s heart hasn’t changed him one bit.
16. Lorenzo Fucking Garcia. Irony-impaired much? Your grandpa was probably one of those “illegals” you want people to make a game of catching, huevón. And for a crappy $25 gift card, too. The cynicism hurts my brain. PS: That quote about dying on one’s feet rather than living on one’s knees? Wasn’t from ANY of the US founders. It’s been attributed to Emiliano Zapata, who was no fucking gringo. And then there’s Che Guevara, who actually DID die that way. ¡Eres un idiota!
17. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?
That’s why. Maybe his staffers SHOULD be unionized. Imagine the amount of shit they must have had to take from this little snotball.
18. Kanye Fucking West. So, this is what that “creative genius” meant when he called himself that. A song cobbled inharmoniously together out of other songs would be bad enough. But wait! It’s overlaid with him rapping stiltedly about the ol’ wham-bam, complete with pull-out ejaculation à la pornographie. Plus a lot of other truly cynical shit that makes me wonder how a song ostensibly about love could be so unlovely, a rap about sex could be so unsexy, and the accompanying video, which I’m guessing aspires to images of natural grandeur and freedom, could end up looking tackier than one of those murals that sleazy ’70s guys used to airbrush on the sides of their Chevy fuck-trucks. And the pièce de résistance? No, not naked Kim Fucking Kardashian (although she’s in there too, alas.) No, it’s those oh-so-creative and ingenious diaper-bum pants he’s wearing. Did he borrow them from the Bieb? Looks like it.
19. Erik Fucking Prince. He now thinks that the War on Terra has gone too far? I guess he must not be making much money off it since Blackwater (or whatever other name it’s going by now) became so notorious. Or maybe he just doesn’t like that black dude in the Oval Office. But whatever it is, I find it hilariously ironic that he feels this way.
20. Robert Fucking Ritchie. Oh look! A conservative Catholic group with ties to Latin American fascism is trying to convince us all that the recent tornadoes in Illinois have something to do with same-sex marriage. If that were true, Canada would have way more twisters than the US, since we’ve had same-sex marriage nationwide, and for longer. But we don’t, and that’s down to where we sit on the North American landmass, nothing more. How about studying some geography and learning how air masses work, instead of embarrassing yourselves with unscientific gobbledygook?
21. Valerio Fucking Moscariello. Oh noes! Robbo just re-embarrassed TO all over again…this time for hiring a fitness guru who got convicted of illegal steroid trafficking. Tweedledum sure knows how to pick ’em!
22 and 23. Larry Fucking Pratt and Alex Fucking Jones. Is anyone besides me struck by the irony of two of the biggest raving gun nuts on the planet calling their opponents “inherently violent” and blaming THEM for mass shootings? Oh good, so it’s NOT just me. Ha, ha.
24. Larry Fucking Klayman. Oops! Looks like that little exercise in high treason wasn’t as popular as Loopy Larry had hoped. And the crowd that did show was predictably pathetic. Ha, ha.
25. Bob Fucking Barr. See above, and add an asterisk with “Dustbins of History” next to it.
26. Donnie Fucking Snook. Y’know, I agree with this pervert. An 18-year prison sentence for sexual abuse of children and kiddie porn IS unreasonable…unreasonably short. And dude? I’m really sorry it’s gonna interfere with your diddlin’ and molestin’ and all, but you’re just gonna have to do the time. After all, you did the crime!
27. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. As usual, the Pigman can dish it out, but he can’t take it. When a caller tried to bring up the old cigar-box-full-of-cabbage incident, El Rushbo cut him off. Some freedom of speech you got goin’ there, Rusty!
28. Trey Fucking Radel. Speaking of dishing-out-but-not-taking, how about this one? Busted for coke in DC after voting in favor of making Florida welfare recipients get tested for drugs. Nice to see that knife cut the other way for a change. PS: Figures that he likes to vacation in Colombia, too.
29. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh hai! Remember that senate scandal, and all that money going missing for no apparent reason, straight into the pockets of a bunch of double-dipping spongers? Remember that guy with the “integrity”, the one who cut all those illicit cheques? Well, guess what: It goes all the way up to the PMO! Just as we all have long suspected. Remember, Harpo is a control freak…and no one in SupposiTory Land so much as farts without his say-so. And now we know just how true that is.
30. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck. Calling out racists “undermines racism”? Um, yeah, dipshit. That’s the whole idea. Now the question is, why are YOU defending racism?
31. Levi Fucking Weatherly. In case anyone out there still believes that being a parent makes you a better person: No. No, it fucking DOESN’T. Defending bullies who pick on disabled kids and upload cruel videos about it is just about as low as you can sink.
32. Brian Fucking Lowry. Listen, you incompetent, antiquated asshole: If Sarah Silverman wants to do raunchy comedy, she damn well has a right to it. She’s the funniest woman alive, after Margaret Cho. And she doesn’t have to answer to any prissy ‘winger TV critic for ANYTHING, motherfucker. Your views are what’s limiting, not her material. And it’s guys like you who hold women back, and we are sick and tired of you dumb turds trying to tell us how to do our jobs. Especially if, like Sarah, we’re at the top of our field. And awesome enough to come up with material like this:
33. Marissa Fucking Mayer. Aaaaaaand THIS is why I don’t want anything to do with the whole “Lean In” thing. It requires a subscription to crapitalism, and do you have any idea how much that worthless shit COSTS? Add to that the fact that most of us (and especially those who work at Wally World) will never see in our lifetimes a fraction of the amount that she makes in a year, and it’s even more insulting. To anyone thinking a female tech CEO will change the face of business, now you know. She won’t. She can’t solve the problem, because she IS the problem. And being a woman will always take a backseat to crapitalism when you get that high up.
34. Jack Fucking Cashill. Oh noes! George Fucking Zimmerman’s violence and general dumbfuckery are a liberal conspiracy! O RLY? Then why is HE the one doing all that, and not some liberal?
35. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. How do you know when you’re being effective against some loopy preacher-man’s general loopiness? When he keeps trying to take down your YouTube account for exposing his shit verbatim, as John Jacob Jingleheimer here keeps doing.
36. Erik Fucking Rush. Honestly, dude, why don’t you just go ahead and believe in “chemtrails”, or the Flat Earth, or something like that? Those silly theories make about as much sense as the bat guano you’re pushing.
37. Kayla Fucking Mendoza. Drunk driving causing death is a crime. Tweeting “2 drunk 2 care” beforehand (along with various other dumb brags about your sloppy druggy drinky lifestyle — and, ironically, “Can’t deal with people that don’t have their shit together” that very morning) is a wank. Can’t wait to hear what she pleads in court; my money’s on YOLO. #stupidgit
38. Thomas Fucking Paprocki. He’s a terrible homophobe, a terrible cleric, and an all-around terrible person. But damned if that outfit he wore to the totally fucking useless exorcism he staged wasn’t fucking FABULOUS. Do you suppose this hipster realized how ironic he was being there?
39 and 40. The Fucking Koch Bros. Oops, they’ve done it again…created crapaganda for their widdle “prosperity” Kaffeeklatsch, using fake “disgruntled” voters who aren’t even from where they claim to be from. Turns out, they’re actors. This is getting to be something of a pattern for them. Obamacare must be more successful than we’ve been led to believe, if these guys are hauling out the big guns to try to shoot it down.
41. Ted Fucking Falk. Claiming a gay kid staged an act of homophobia? In rural Manitoba, where fucking rednecks are dime a dozen and that sort of thing doesn’t need to be staged, EVER? That’s a new low, even for SupposiTories. Oh, and weaseling out of giving the press an explanation…yeah, that’s a nice touch, too. Good thing you’re running for Icky Vic’s old seat, which is safe, barring a huge outbreak of sudden decency. But hey, it’s rural Manitoba, where fucking rednecks are dime a dozen…so don’t pay ME any mind. I’ll just be keeping my beady eye out for more Falk-wanks in future. I’m sure I won’t be disappointed!
42. Karl Fucking Vick. Odious generalization is odious. And racist racist is racist.
43. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Speaking of racist racists and xenophobic xenophobes, Laura Fucking Ingraham, ladies ‘n’ gentlemen. Ain’t she somethin’, making fun of foreign accents, all clever-like and sophisticated as she is? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.
44. Chris Fucking Brown. No woman is safe from this turd. Not even his own mother.
45. Russell Fucking Moore. So, lemme see if I got this straight: Disobedient wives are “preaching false gospel”, even when they’re not actually standing in a pulpit or anything? And marital closeness undermines biblical teachings? Well, then, I guess the logical thing to do is just chuck those biblical teachings, since all they ever do is wreck marriages by forcing men and women into molds they don’t necessarily fit. Problem solved!
46. Glenn Fucking Beck. No, JFK was NOT a teabagger. He was pretty much everything that the fucking teabags are AGAINST. How does someone so stupid manage to live? And where did that straitjacket go…?
47. John Fucking Stossel. Well, look who’s sunk to a whole new depth of dumbth. Stache-dude claims to have “proved” that the homeless are scammers? Actually, all he’s proved is what we already know about FUX Snooze and himself…that THEY are the scammers. And that they really shouldn’t be enabled. Time to quit watching, and time to boycott their advertisers, folks.
48. Sydney Fucking Leathers. Oh, EW. That is all.
49. Michael Fucking Bloomberg. Bloomy’s mayoralty may be drawing to an ignominious close, but the wank goes on…and on…and on…and ON…
50. Elizabeth Fucking May. She says she’s “not going to pander” to people who support a real peace solution for the Middle East? Um, Lizzie…you’re fucking PANDERING. To some of the very worst, at that. Because Bibi Fucking Netanyahu is not the only person building walls in Israel. It’s like they completely forgot the lessons of their own history.
And finally, to all the fucking assholes out there who think the following are good ideas:
Congratulations, you fuckers are everything that’s wrong with the world right now.
Good night, and get fucked!