Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about those Amazon delivery drones. If we’re lucky, all they’ll ever give us is our stuff, in a hurry. More likely, though, they won’t fly. Aside from the question of FAA approval in the US, there’s also the all-around creepiness of having packages delivered not by friendly couriers, but by flying robots that, for all we know, could be equipped with spy cameras answering to the FBI, among others. But fear not! The bullshit is still flying thick and fast as ever. And here’s who kept it in the air this week, in no particular order:
1. Stephen Fucking Harper. It’s been a banner week for wanks in Harpolandia, but here are the highlights: Canadian Values! And more fucking bursting into song! And tons of stinking bland hypocrisy about Nelson Mandela! (And no word about how he really felt about the great South African leader, back in the day.)
2. Brian Fucking Pallister. Last week he was a wanker for his “infidel atheists” holiday greeting. This week, he’s a wanker again for claiming he was “torqued”. Never mind that the quote in question was verbatim and fully IN context. How many morons were there in Manitoba to elect this dumbfuck?
3. Erik Fucking Estrada. How many years has it been since he was the obnoxious California highway patrol cop from that cheesy sitcom (where I frankly preferred the blond guy)? Honestly, I thought the man was long dead. Nope…he’s been miraculously resurrected to let us know how oppwessed the evangelicals are. Just because they’re not allowed to legislate for the rest of us and cram their religion down the world’s collective throat. Someone please remind Mr. CHiPs that cops don’t get to make the laws, only enforce them. And he only ever played one on TV. So, basically, fuck him.
4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. I’m gobsmacked that anyone would spend $1,700 on scented candles alone. Does he buy them by the gross, or is there some pricey secret ingredient that I’m not aware of? And just how the hell DOES one rack up $23,300 in flower arrangements, too? This “poor oppressed us, the only democracy in the Middle East” schtick just doesn’t wash when one sees things like that. PS: Oh, double wank.
5. Doug Fucking Ford. Yup, Robbo’s now truly without power at City Hall. And Dougie is not happy, and he’s making sure the whole world knows it. Like a fart in a crowded elevator. It’s kind of touching, the way Tweedledee stands up for Tweedledum, innit? Unfortunately, loony conspiracy theory won’t absolve Mayor McMobster. Or his drug-dealing big brother.
6. David Fucking Lane. Renew? I wasn’t even aware that the US had a “Christian covenant with God”! After all, there’s that pesky Treaty of Tripoli…
7. Scott Fucking Walker. Snotty Wanker has declared war on Christmas! Don’t bother buying your kids anything. Just sell their entire future to the Teabagger Party! And don’t worry, Wisconsin is already lagging way behind neighboring (and progressive) Minnesota on just about everything. Doesn’t that just fill you with confidence in him?
8. Virginia Fucking Postrel. Forget being able to afford piddly things like the ever increasing cost of living on your ever dwindling income! As long as you’ve got an HD TV and all the trimmings, you have a high standard of living! Right? Right?? RIGHT??? WRONG!
9. Lila Fucking Rose. Oh, wouldn’t it be funny if she were to be caught using Planned Parenthood under a false identity, and it wasn’t for the purpose of staging another “gotcha” video on them? Like, say, if she were caught buying cheap birth control pills from them? Let us pray…
10. Austin Fucking Ruse. And on a similar note, I fully expect to see a pair of downright kinky boots falling out of his closet. Any day now.
11. John Fucking Rocker. Ass sphincter says WHAT? Oh, I see…racist things about Muhammad Ali. And bigoted, violent shit just in general. Just another day in the life of a washed-up ex-sports star whom nobody cares about. Yawwwwn.
12. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Charity begins at home for the Yenis’s baby mama, I see. To the tune of 90% of the proceeds from her “charity” auction. Someone please explain to her the whole concept of “not for profit”. She’s gone from famous-for-nothing to famous-for-all-the-wrong-reasons.
13. Joe Fucking Fontana. He and his friends stole $8 million that was intended for charity? Well. I think they should throw one helluva party and invite #12. Clearly they have a great deal in common.
14. Boris Fucking Johnson. Too little, too late, and still TOO STUPID TO BE MAYOR.
15. Elan Fucking Gale. Surprise! He’s a Twitter troll who faked a somewhat funny, but ultimately horrifying, live-tweeted fight on an airplane to get followers. Just for that, he deserves to lose them again. And then some.
16. Lamar Fucking Smith. He doesn’t believe in man-made climate change, nosirree…but he DOES believe in aliens. I’m not saying he’s kooky, but…he’s fucking KOOKY!
17. Amy Fucking Lacey. She doesn’t want students speaking Spanish because it might “cause disruptions”. Why do I get the distinct feeling that said “disruptions” consist of her own paranoia at not being able to understand what they’re saying, and fearing they’re saying it about HER?
18. Frank Fucking Dimant. Whiny wanks, anyone? Trying to play the boycotted SodaStream as a persecuted “employer” of hapless Palestinians is just about as cynical as it gets…unless you’re dissenting against B’nai Brith and its hasbaroids, in which case you’re persecuting “visible Jews”, whatever THAT might mean. Srsly, give it a fucking rest!
19. Jameson Fucking Witty. Ain’t no thief like a dumb thief. He stole a piece of Paul Walker’s smashed Porsche after the wreck was towed, and then bragged about it on Instagram. Why not just call the cops and turn oneself in? Maybe he should change his last name to Witless.
20. Pat Fucking Robertson. Something in your character, Patwa, makes me want to throw things at you. Hard, sharp, spiky, nasty-smelling things.
21. Avi Fucking Benlolo. Newsflash: The United Church boycotting Israeli settler products is NOT “an assault on the Jewish people”, much less “Church-sanctioned antisemitism”. Israel ≠ the Jews, for one thing. For another, turning one’s back on Palestinian suffering? Now THAT’s antisemitism!
22. Matt Fucking Forney. Would it shock you greatly to learn that “Men’s Rights” assholes are also RACIST assholes? No? Oh good. Because Bratty Matty decided to whip out his teeny weenie and piddle into Nelson Mandela’s freshly dug grave. And contrary to his trumpeting claims, he hasn’t produced an ounce of evidence that Mandela “destroyed” South Africa. Perhaps he’s projecting what all the Boers and other Nazified racists did onto Mandela? Yeah, I know…that’s a charitable interpretation. This asshat actually “thinks” South Africa was better when whites ran it. Never mind that the reality couldn’t be further from that idea.
23. Leona Fucking Aglukkaq. Polar bears are in danger of extinction through climate change, and there goes Leona, doing NOTHING to protect our Arctic from oil and gas exploitation, defending the polar-bear hunt, and even posting a braggy picture of a dead bear on the tweeter — while in Moscow to talk about polar bear conservation! Some minister of the environment SHE is. At the very least, she needs a remedial course in the meaning of conservation. Because clearly that word does not mean what she thinks it means.
24. David Fucking Cameron. Why?
That’s why. Yup, another Conservative hypocrite who was out for blood back in the day, and now claims Mandela as his own. Just like OUR so-called prime minister, Wanker #1.
25. Rick Fucking Santorum. Yup, Icky Ricky went there…compared himself to Mandela (LOLwut?), Obamacare to apartheid (no, just NO), and bullshit to roses (as is usual for a man whose name is now synonymous with buttsploodge). Irrelevance: You’re soaking in it, Ricky.
26. Sarah Fucking Palin. Is it just my eardrums playing tricks on me, or is Screech sounding a little angry lately? Maybe it’s because Thomas Jefferson, like all the founders, was NOT a Christian leader, nor interested in turning his country into a theocracy. You think that could be it?
27. Dean Fucking Esmay. How funny is it to see A Voice for (Woman-Hating) Men try to claim Nelson Mandela as one of theirs, when in fact all they share is one crummy chromosome? Meanwhile, Mandela was a left-wing feminist. And all that chest-thumping about how demonized men are, when in fact they form the bulk of all “heroes” in and out of history? Well, let’s just put it this way: AVFM’s collective sense of irony died long before you-know-who.
28. Dick Fucking Cheney. And guess who’s still an unregenerate racist, who doesn’t regret voting against freeing Mandela back when he had the chance to do the right thing? Yup, this guy. Who really doesn’t deserve to live another second, but will probably be kept going for another century, at tremendous expense to the taxpaying US public.
29. Rick Fucking Clark. Who the hell cares if Nelson Mandela was an American or not? This total fucking nobody. That’s who.
30. Rob Fucking Anders. And speaking of total fucking nobodies, Sleepyhead made the news again. For all the wrong reasons, again. Alberta, please do something about all your fucking racists — are you not ashamed of them? You ought to be.
31. Naomi Fucking Chazan. No, Nelson Mandela was NEVER an Israeli hero. Israel is an apartheid state, remember? And it’s kind of disingenuous to moan “where are the Palestinian Mandelas” when every single one of them has been either jailed, exiled or assassinated by the Likudniks who built your apartheid wall! Mandela was and remains a PALESTINIAN hero. Period. End of story.
32. Robert Fucking Carr. Surpriiiiise! The law does not mean whatever you say it means. People who leave their house for a few days are not “abandoning” it, and you have no right to it. Your ignorance of the law is not an excuse, either…but hey! Now you get to be a sovereign citizen of your own little jail cell. Feel special, snowflake!
33. David Fucking Duke. Kicked out of Italy for trying to bring back Nazism? Molto bene! Vai via, figlio di puttana! Ciao, brutto!
34. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, Robbo’s still wanking. Even with curtailed mayoral powers, there’s no stopping his mouth. And of course, nothing but shit is coming out of it. Srsly, what does Obamacare concern HIM? Nada. Bupkus. Zippo. Zilch. Yet there he is, pontificating about it on a radio show out of D.C. Doesn’t he have a city to run…in CANADA? Oh wait…ha, ha.
35 and 36. Glenn Fucking Beck and Mark Fucking Driscoll. How’s this for a yucky two-fer? Biff and Hipster Preacher, sittin’ in a tree, W-A-N-K-I-N-G! Ugh, I don’t think I wanna finish this nursery rhyme. I just feel sorry for Biff’s daughter, having such an idiot for a dad. And Hipster Preacher’s congregation, for having a serial plagiarist spewing homophobic crap at them.
37. Pamela Fucking Geller. Funny how she’s always on and on about being a member of a persecuted minority herself (usually when she can’t get an immediate appointment with her hairdresser), but doesn’t accord the same dignity to an actual persecuted minority…the Rohingya Muslims of Burma. What jihad is SHE on? The Jihad of Amurrican Stoopid. What else?
38. Lee Fucking Bright. The South shall rise again! And no doubt it will do so on the wings of vultures. Perhaps this one should change his middle name to “None Too”.
39. Rick Fucking Warren. Words have meanings, and tolerance does NOT mean “you must think exactly as I think, or else”. Likewise, intolerance does NOT mean “waaaa, I’m being persecuted for not wanting to give the queers equal rights!” Also, equality does NOT mean “marriage for me, but not for thee, because the bible says blah blah blah.”
40. Ralph Fucking Hudgens. Shorter: Pre-existing conditions are all your fault! Therefore insurance companies have a right to penalize you by either not selling you coverage, or overcharging you grossly, or only covering limited ranges of treatments! Have I mentioned yet today that stupidity is one helluva pre-existing condition, and medicine has yet to find a cure for it — or even a halfway effective treatment?
And finally, to the Fucking Westboro Bastards. Yep, they plan on protesting Nelson Mandela’s funeral. You just cannot sink any fucking lower than that. On the bright side, they could always be denied entry into the country, in which case we will know for sure that they will have run out of sharks to jump. If only the sharks could eat them, one and all.
Good night, and get fucked!