Wankers of the Week: Black Santa and Brown Baby Jesus

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s been a year since the Sandy Hook massacre…my sincerest condolences to all you folks out there. Sucks that you to have to remember this, and at this time of year, too. Sucks that it happened. Those kids and teachers are a loss that can never be made good. Good thing we still have these people to remind us of what else sucks, then; they’re no loss. And in no particular order, they are:

1. Ted Fucking Yoho. Remember Sandy Hook? He does. And he thinks the perfect way to commemorate that massacre is to turn more kids into gun-addled assholes. This would be like a Canadian member of Parliament doing the same thing on the anniversary of the Montréal Massacre, and would go over like a solid shit wall.

2. Thomas Joseph Fucking Tobin. Oh look, it’s another man in skirts, telling women what to do with their bodies. Except he left the women out of it and decided to attack the late Nelson Mandela instead…for recognizing that South African women, especially the poor and/or black, deserved more autonomy over their own bodies and a right to control how many children they would have. Such evil!

3. Mark Fucking Jacobs. And speaking of men who don’t understand women, this one’s had coaching from his wife and daughter on how NOT to do it. Trust me, I don’t need to be talked to on an “emotional level” by some smug-eyed schmuck who will only ever patronize me. I’m perfectly capable of understanding even the most abstract of intellectual concepts, fuckyouverymuch.

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4. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And another man who obviously doesn’t know how to talk to or about women. The Pigman thinks women’s breasts FORCE men to gawk at them. Um, NO — trust me, mine want nothing to do with him. And neither do anyone else’s. PS: Watch out for that secret Socialist Handshake™! Boogaboogabooga!!!

5. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Oh boo fucking hoo, Nelson Mandela made Ronnie Fucking Reagan look bad! Well, no shit, Sherlock…Ronnie was pro-apartheid for the most cynical reasons. If it were up to him, Mandela would have DIED in prison. There’s no “smear” inherent in stating that simple fact. And how about going after your fellow conservatives for their obvious racism, Newty? Oh wait…that would mean turning into one of those “Reagan-smearing liberals”. Ha, ha.

6. Wayne Fucking Bell. Obamacare, “worse than any war”? Um, NO. That would be capitalism, dear.

7 and 8. Peter LaFucking Barbera and Andrea Fucking Williams. Oh, the poor oppwessed widdle homophobes! Not content to meddle in Uganda to impose their kill-queers agenda (and applauding Russia for the same), now they’re pushing Jamaica to hold on to outdated bigotries. That steamroller called History can’t roll over these ones soon enough.

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9. Stephen Fucking Marche. Dude. Would it kill you to pick up a broom or a mop once in a while and help out around the house? It’s not like you’re so fucking brilliant that you can get away with doing nothing. Hell, you’re not even bright enough to just fucking ask your wife why she hates doing the dishes. Boredom is not exactly esoteric. No doubt you’ll be equally befuddled when she finally divorces your slobby ass.

10. Vladimir Fucking Putin. How to get absolute control over media coverage of Sochi, to make sure nothing supportive of gay rights (or critical of Russia’s lack of same) could possibly get through? Simple…take the most rabidly homophobic journalist you can find, and put him in charge of (what used to be) RIA Novosti. Problem solved!

11. Jack Fucking Cashill. George Zimmerman is like Nelson Mandela? Only in the fever swamp of a right-wing tinfoil-hatter’s overworked imagination.

12. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Does anyone seriously believe that the prime minister of the most US-funded apartheid state in the world can’t afford to travel to South Africa or hire security while he shows his hypocritical face at Nelson Mandela’s memorial services? No? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you.

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13 and 14. Maurice Fucking Vellacott and Stephen Fucking Woodworth. Why do these two even exist? Because right-wing rednecks love them some dumbass one-trick ponies who keep trying, one boneheaded way after another, to “reopen” the long-closed “debate” on abortion in Canada, which the pro-choice side won a quarter of a century ago. So decisively, in fact, that we haven’t had an abortion law since 1988. And we don’t fucking miss it, either. Just as no one will miss these two anti-choice turds, who have literally done NOTHING for their constituents in all their time on the Hill, other than these ham-fisted red-meat attempts to whip up their aging (and dwindling) fundie base every time Harpo & Co. start slipping badly in the approval ratings.

15. Dave Fucking Agema. Speaking of things that should not have existed since 1988, how about him? He’s still peddling every twisted old lie about AIDS and gays that I remember all too well from, oh, about 1988 or so. And now, he’s added a “fresh” twist: Evil queeeeers want “free medical” because they’re all dying of AIDS! This must come as a tremendous shock to most of my gay friends, who are over 45 and still alive and NOT sick with AIDS, quite contrary to Agema’s stale statistics. PS: No, your words weren’t “twisted”. The twisted one is YOU.

16. Jean-Guy Fucking Dagenais. Behold, the bitterness of an old fart who couldn’t get himself elected MP, so Harpo had to appoint him to the Senate. And then along comes a Bright Young Thing, who gets freely and fairly elected in his home riding. What does Bitter Old Fart do? Slam her in the most misogynistic, ageist, patronizing and belittling terms. Interestingly, though some young men were also elected as NDP MPs in Québec, none of them had to suffer a similar indignity:

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Things that make you go hmmmmm, eh?

16. Jill Fucking Stanek. Oh, Nurse Wretched, why can’t you be honest? The real reason you don’t want to mourn for Nelson Mandela isn’t abortion. It’s because you’re another of those hypocritical racist anti-choicers who try to pretend they aren’t…you gutless, gormless, disingenuous fucking idiotess.

17. Warren Fucking Farrell. Oh joy! The Godfather of MRAssholism is putting out his old book with a new cover. And he wants his misogynous acolytes to help him pick a pic, too! The choices are currently either boobs, bum, or moss-covered ladybits as the perfect illustration of why male power is supposedly a myth. Because anything that levitates the penis must be an automatic power-sucker, however male-gazey its presentation!

18. Patrick Fucking Howley. And speaking of MRAssholes, he sure does sound like one himself. Poor oppwessed widdle fing, he doesn’t like being told that women hate being ogled, leered at, and catcalled by random strangers! He just can’t take it that we refuse to take that shit as a “compliment”! Everybody, on the count of three: …DIDDUMS!

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19. Clint Fucking Carpentier. And back to A Voice For (Asinine) Men. Here’s a guy who thinks that everything went downhill since it became illegal to rape one’s wife. This along with beating her with a switch the thickness of one’s thumb, no doubt. Really, if you can’t just force yourself upon her, and expect her to do your housework for free, too — what’s she good for? And why marry at all? Jeebus…it’s like these fuckheads have never heard of LOVE. PS: Aaaand he doubles down on the dumbth. Yup, we got a real wiener here.

20. Rob Fucking Ford. What goes around, comes around. And since Robbo has seen fit to harass, defame, and threaten a Toronto Star reporter for daring to cover something beyond the official “gravy train” line, it’s only meet and right that Daniel Dale is now dragging him off to court. (And for extra amusement, picture a slender young man of medium height, dragging the 350-pound lummox that is Robbo.)

21. Orit Fucking Arfa. You thought Miley Fucking Cyrus was a crap artist? You should see her. No, really. She’s a CRAPAGANDA ARTISTE!

22. Jean Fucking Boyd. Why?

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That’s why. If little Richie Rich is suffering from “affluenza” (which, by the way, is NOT a real disease), then the “cure” is a jail term equivalent to what any poor schmo in the same boat would have to face. That way, he’d at least get to see how the other 99% lives.

23. Johnny Fucking Weir. Time was, American figure skaters were out to show the Russians how much better their way of life was than communism. They did propaganda for capitalism, in other words. Well, now that the Soviet Union is history, just look how much is changed! We now have washed-up US skaters doing propaganda for Mother Russia! And even funnier: GAY skaters, trying to convince us that Russia’s homophobic laws are really not so bad. Tovarisch, PLEASE.

24. Theodore Fucking Beale. “All women are bitches, so show ’em who’s boss”, says a guy who got his ass kicked time and again, by women. Straight out of the Science Fiction Writers of America, as I recall. And what’s this “alpha game” crap? Dude, you’re married. Knock it off.

25. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Jesus and Santa Claus are both fictitious, so it hardly matters if they’re not always portrayed as white men. But thanks a lot for playing the race card, you little shit. PS: Oh, who the hell do you think you’re kidding? Children don’t watch FUX Snooze…and any parent who makes them watch is a child abuser. PPS: Uh oh, where’d she go? Off hitting the whiter-than-white eggnog, I bet…

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26. Kanye Fucking West, AGAIN. Yeezus, is there a week goes by that you DON’T wank? What you do is NOTHING like police work. Or the military. Ranting on stage is about as unrisky a profession as can be, unless perhaps you think risking ridicule (in a bulletproof leather kilt?) is somehow life-threatening.

27. G. Dick Fucking Miller. So, he’s sorry he used the ridiculous word “affluenza”, but still thinks that spoiled-rich-kid is a legit legal defence? Sorry, not sorry to be listing him here as a fucking wanker.

28. Ethan Fucking Couch. A little belated, but #27’s client also deserves a listing, just for being That Spoiled Rich Brat.

29. Seth Fucking Thompson. Because it just wouldn’t be a wanklist without an entry that actually pertains to wanking, here you go. One all-too-enterprising Internet porntrepreneur, capitalizing on the invasion of students’ privacy at the university library john. And look! It’s Florida Man…AGAIN! Fappy now?

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30 and 31. Dean Fucking Blundell and Derek Fucking Welsman. Why the hell do morning-zoo shock-jocks exist at all? This shit got old in the ’80s, fergawdsakes. As did all the homophobic AIDS jokes these two regularly made on air (among other hostile horseshit that passes for “humor”). Even worse, though, is that Welsman somehow got picked to be on a jury in the trial of a gay man…and as foreman, too. Shouldn’t a media job be an instant disqualification in the jury selection process, rather than a promotion to the top of the queue? Because that’s a clear conflict of interests right there. And why his track record for broadcast standards violations was not a major red flag in the vetting of that jury, I do not know.

32. Stephen Fucking Brawn. Newsflash: sleeping women cannot consent to sex, and getting “permission” in advance should not be an acceptable rape defence. Can’t believe the court bought it. This is bullshit, people. A sleeping person is not in any condition to consent, and prior conversation is not an adequate substitute.

33. Ivan Fucking Okhlobystin. Dude, your ass-ugly tattoos and your fascism are more of a threat to your children than gay people are. Drop this Nazi shit, you’re disgracing your grandfathers!

34. Bob Fucking Newhart. Well, look who outed himself as an old homophobic poop. He’s going to an anti-LGBT Catholic conference? Let’s hope this was all just some mistake on the part of his bookers. Because I keep remembering that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon is palling around with a TV science guy played by Newhart, and we all know that Jim Parsons is gay-gay-gaiety-gay-GAY.

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35. Justin Fucking Bieber. Ladies, beware! If you go to the Biebermansion, you will be plied with Bieberalcohol, whereupon you will end up needing an ambulance to get you the hell out of there. Not to hospital, mind you — just the hell out of there.

36. Lance Fucking Armstrong. Just when you thought it was safe to get back on your racing bike…um, don’t. Just don’t. Because if you do, chances are a doping cheater will ask you to throw a race so he can go down in history as the cheatingest doper of all fucking time.

37. Kevin Fucking Bollaert. My best friend e-mailed me this link saying he’s a psychopath by definition. I quite agree. Who BUT a fucking psychopath would give his own victims advice on “reputation management”?

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38. Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Oh noes, there’s a Festivus pole! And Baby Jesus is BEHIND it! The horror! THE HORROR!!! Oh come on, Wretched, it could be so much worse. Your Baby Jesus could have been portrayed as an actual Palestinian Jew!

39. Jacoby Fucking Kindred. When is a girl not a girl? When a pastor who is not a pastor is raping devils who aren’t devils out of her, duh.

40. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh, Icky Ricky Buttsploodge…what would a wankapedia be without you? Just as wanky, but not half as wacky. Ha, ha.

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And finally, to the Fucking Simon Wiesenthalers. Why, oh WHY can’t they go hunting for real Nazis? It’s not as if there’s any shortage of them in, say, Alberta, or the Deep South. No, they just HAVE to go picking on Roger Waters again…for correctly pointing out the fascist/apartheidist tendencies of the Israeli government. Come to think of it, maybe they should stick to their own backyard. They have clearly become what they set out to fight. And somewhere in the Great Beyond, Nietzsche is palming his face. MIGHTILY.

Good night, and get fucked!

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