Wankers of the Week: Dick Dynasty edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy holidays! And a crappy, crappy Yule it is for me today, what with the freezing rain piling up on every wire and tree. Ah well, it’s only global warming running amuck. Might as well keep warm and make the best of it, eh? So join me in a cup of something hot and boozy, ’cause you’re gonna need it to deal with these wankers:

1. Conrad Fucking Black. Far back in the day, nay, in the Jurassic period, I seem to recall him starting up a certain far-right rag whose televised advertising made much of how hard-hitting and incisive it was going to be, simply because Lord Blah-Blah ran it, hard to starboard. Well, the baron ran into a reef of trouble, the paper got sold to Quebecor, and Con-rad himself went to jail in Florida, where — shockingly — he was forced to mingle with all manner of riffraff. But never fear! Since then, he hath redeemed himself by providing cautionary lessons to young students of journalism in how NOT to interview a fellow famous fathead (even fatter than himself, mirabile dictu!) So much for journalistic incisiveness. Ironically, that’s the province of all the reporters and columnists he’s ever sued (and insulted) for telling the awful truth about him and his endless schemes for scaling the ladder of “magnophiles” (translation: suck-ups). It figures that a fraud would interview a Frod, fraudulently. Did I mention fraud yet? Oh yeah, I forgot: Also LIBEL. For once, he’s not the one doing the suing, but getting sued. What a novel turn of events!

2. Ross Fucking Douthat. What happens when a whiny, wanky ‘winger whose dick goes limp at the first sign of female sexual agency becomes, through some malign miracle, a parent of daughters? He starts making noises to the effect that little girls just inherently drive their parents to conservatism, because who and what else is gonna protect those poor widdle dears from guys who like it but don’t want to put a ring on it? Some day soon, his teenage daughters are gonna hate him…and he won’t have the foggiest idea why.

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3. James Fucking Moore. Whatever happened to being thy brother’s keeper? Conservatives eated it. And then giggled about it, and demanded seconds, and got mightily offended when their greed and gluttony was pointed out to them. And then apologized too little, too late…and no doubt expects to be forgiven and forgotten. NOT A FUCKING CHANCE.

4. Devyani Fucking Khobragade. It’s one thing to tout women’s rights when abroad; quite another, it seems, to recognize that they actually start at home. And especially in one’s own home, where one’s nanny is working for sub-starvation wages.

5. and 6. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck and Ken Fucking Ham. Poor dumb straw-man creationists, they are obviously under siege from all sides. Why else thank one for getting knocked around by unbelievers, without actually refuting a thing?

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7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Again with the tired old “liberalism is a mental illness” bullshit. Never mind the REAL common denominator behind every school shooting, i.e. guns too easily, and LEGALLY, available to people who shouldn’t be getting their hands on any. Never mind, either, the fact that it’s been consistently conservatives who’ve been touting legal firearms for everybody, even the clinically insane. Never mind, indeed, the fact that the Pigman is a sloppy walking soup of cognitive dissonance. Speaking of which, why the hell is he still even on the air?

8. Neal Fucking Boortz. Know why Martin Luther King is always portrayed as black? Because he’s a real person who happens to BE black. Know why Santa’s always portrayed as white? Because he’s a fictional character favored mainly by white people. And why is Neal Fucking Boortz so worked up about that? Because he’s a dumb fucking flibbertigibbertarian who can’t tell truth from fiction, or racism from freedom.

9. George Fucking Zimmerman. He’s an artiste, now? How cute. What does he paint with, blood? PS: Oh, fuuuuuu. PPS: Surprise! He’s not just a crap artist, he’s a crap artist who plagiarized a STOCK PHOTO for his “art”. Feel stupid now, whoever bought that waaay overpriced painting?

10. Mark Fucking O’Mara. Meanwhile, #9’s lawyer is in deep shit with an ethics complaint…over the Trayvon Martin case, no less. Glad to see that someone on that side is getting hit with some repercussions, at last.

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11. Rob Fucking Ford. He’s embarrassed us again, this time with a “come to Jesus” moment. Considering the rather convenient timing of this move, I’m forced to conclude that he’s not being straight with us…AGAIN. PS: And he also embarrasses his poor long-suffering wife…AGAIN.

12. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. I almost mistyped that as “Nurdoch”, and I can’t imagine a more Freudian slip. Oh yeah, and LADIES! He’s single again! Line forms on the far right. Good luck to you if you can fucking stand him. (Or perhaps I should wish you my sincerest condolences?)

13. Michael Fucking Bloomberg. Well, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Straight from the soon-to-be-former mayor of New York, absolute confirmation that God is a complete and utter dick. No, wait, that’s just Bloomy…mistaking himself for God again. And his shitty policies on poverty and homelessness are, apparently, “God’s will”.

14. John Fucking Bolton. Oh, look who popped his head up from his long winter’s nap to bark bullshit at the world. Dubya’s sheepdog is mad at Edward Snowden for telling some hard truths! About time that ol’ bowzer got both barrels, I’d say.

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15. John Fucking Nienstedt. Every time a right-wing churchman prattles about how being gay is evil and same-sex marriage should be illegal, a pedophilia scandal gets its wings. And come Yuletide, it flies straight out of the cassock closet and into you-know-whose face.

16. Justin Fucking Bieber. Looks like the Bieb is too busy whoremongering to make any more music. Sez he’s planning to retire at the grand old age of 19. Gee, do you think this announcement is just another way of pimping his own latest record, which is literally due out the night before Christmas? PS: Stupid pants get you “bitches”? Well, I suppose that if you keep all the money in the drop-crotch, then yeah.

17. Tyler Fucking Smith. If you’re too lazy to walk a dog, swinging it by a leash from an apartment balcony does NOT count as exercise. (And claiming you were doing this so the dog could go to the bathroom? Yeah, falling shit and urine — GREAT idea.)

18. John Michael Fucking Farren. What four magic words turn a seemingly respectable, law-abiding dude into a raging psychopath? Yep, that’s right…I WANT A DIVORCE. Oh, and did I mention this guy was one of Dubya’s lawyers? Nice vetting process you got there, Dubya, you fucking schmuck.

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19. Greg Fucking Whiteley. There’s a Mitt Romney doc coming out? Exactly what has Mittens done that’s worth documenting? He lost an election for being an out-of-touch rich wanker, as I recall. File this one under Movies Not To Watch, Ever. PS: Bwahahaha.

20. Phil Fucking Robertson. And in other Things Not To Watch, Ever, there’s this supposedly popular show called Duck Dynasty. Why the hell it’s popular, I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s only so with teabaggers. Because it looks like these guys cooked all the crystal meth and then eated it. Because homophobic dumbassery. Because erased racism. And because Redneck Fucking Jesus, man. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And you know you’ve gone too far when even Icky Ricky Buttsploodge tells you to tone down your language. Oh, is THAT all?

21. Peter Fucking McKay. You think homeless people have any property that they could sell off to pay their court fines? You’re a DUMB one, Mr. Grinch.

22. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why?

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That’s why. That pipeline in Arkansas? Been there for more than 50 years. And that neighborhood is STILL unlivable. PS: You were saying???

23. John Fucking Hembling. While other Men’s HUMAN Rights Asshats were scrambling to distance themselves and deflect blame after a certain Reddit thread calling for the spamming of a college rape study went viral, John the Bother proudly went the other way…which is to say, he found himself in a hole and didn’t give a shit, he just kept right on digging.

24. Brian Fucking Schwanke. Would it surprise you terribly to learn that a guy using the e-mail handle “h*rnypastor” is a kiddie porn swapper who fantasized about “counselling” preadolescent girls at his backyard swimming pool? No? Oh good. Because he’s a teabagger too. Oh, and get this: He’s not even a real pastor. Shocking, I know!

25. Mike Fucking Slater. And in other shocking news, a right-wing radio host whom nobody but FUX Snooze cares about is defending that dick from Duck Dynasty, likening him to the unlikeliest person ever: Martin Luther King, Jr. His main argument? Tolerate our intolerance, you intolerant tolerators of homo-sex-you-alls!

26. Deepak Fucking Chopra. No, not the New Age health guru. This guy here:

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On second thought, maybe he IS a New Age health guru. Who else would cut postal service, then have the gall to suggest that seniors risk breaking their necks on winter ice for the sake of a “healthy” long walk just to get their mail?

27. Glenn Fucking Beck. As usual, Biff is unclear on the concept of fascism. He thinks he’s speaking out against it, but actually, he’s babbling a blue streak in favor of it.

28. Peter Fucking Schiff. Flibbertigibbertarians…can’t live with ’em, can’t just line ’em up and shoot ’em. But fortunately for me, you can still ridicule the shit out of ’em. And with the bad math on this one, not to mention his despicable laugh at the expense of the genuinely impoverished (who got that way by working for WallyWorld), well…let’s just say we’re all laughing AT him, not with him.

29. Scott Fucking Bloch. Another of Dubya’s legal hires, along with #18, turns out to be a real piece of shit? Color me SO shocked. And of course, this one would make a point of shipping gay employees to depressing ol’ Detroit. Was he maybe hoping they’d get whacked by gangs, or something?

30. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

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That’s why. Fancy her being such a hypocrite on freedom of speech…oh wait. She’s a hypocrite on EVERYTHING.

31. Bristol Fucking Palin. Her fifteen minutes were up long ago, but she’s still determined to stretch them out to an hour by talking about some dick in a duck blind and how he wuz SILENCED!!! Like mother, like daughter — she’s obnoxiously clueless about freedom of speech and what it does and does not mean. Go the hell AWAY, both of you.

32. Bobby Fucking Eubanks. Theocracy, anyone? Since when do preachers get to dictate abortion law to state lawmakers? And would it surprise you terribly to know that this South Carolina shitheel is also a raging racist and a tinfoil-card-carrying conspiracy freak? No? Oh good.

33. Bradlee Fucking Dean. And speaking of tinfoil-carded conspiracy theocrats, there’s him. Never mind that nobody is even teaching kids what bestiality IS, much less how to do it; no, just the mere mention of Teh Ghey in any context of normality will somehow magically bring that forbidden curiosity about. Because that’s how HE became a pigfucker, no doubt.

34. Michael Fucking Carey. What can you do with an unemployed general, earl-eye in the morning? Start questioning the chain of fools — er, COMMAND — who hired the drunken fucker in the first place.

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35. Peggy Fucking Noonan. Never mind snakes on a plane; Peggy fears Teh Niggruhs! And she’ll devote any number of rambling, incoherent column inches to that fact. Thanks for sharing, dear.

36. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. How many weeks ago was it that I wanklisted Alec Fucking Baldwin for homophobic slurs? Well, Geraldo is STILL not over it. Because he thinks anyone who grew up in a certain hyper-homophobic era should get a free pass for homophobic insults. Newsflash, Gerry: We ALL grew up in a homophobic era, and we’re still living in one. It doesn’t excuse a goddamned thing.

37. Camille Fucking Paglia. She has an awful lot to say, as usual…about Duck Dynasty, Teh Ghey, feminism and the whole shebang. Unfortunately for her, as usual, nobody wants to hear it. PS: Vintage ha-ha.

38. Justine Fucking Sacco. An “accidental” racist? Um, no. It would appear that she has an ongoing pattern of assholery to her name. And now the whole world knows it, and her company has canned her just in time for Xmas. Sucks to be you, Justine.

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39. John Fucking McCain. Once again, welcome to the wrong side of history, old man. Bad enough that he once picked #30 as his running mate; now he’s shaking hands with Ukrainian neo-Nazi goons. Funny how every time he takes his foot out of his mouth, he ends up sticking it into a big steaming pile of freshly laid dog shit.

40. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh, who the hell do you think you’re kidding, Harpo? Everyone knows that nobody even farts in the PMO without your permission. You may be trying to evade responsibility for the whole Mike Duffy scandal, but sooner or later, it’s gonna land right on your doorstep. Everything else always does.

41 and 42. Ricardo Fucking Martinelli and Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. What’s worse than a coking, whoremongering, crooked head of state? Two of them…coking, whoremongering and crooking it up together. On video, no less!

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43. Dennis Fucking Gabryszak. Call me weird, but I don’t think squicking ladies out is a very effective seduction technique. Pro tip: If they run away screaming, ur doin it rong.

44. Joseph Fucking Epstein. WASP dudes no longer rule the world? You could have fooled me. Oh, you mean you seriously think that black guy in the White House runs the whole show? Bwahahahaha, please.

45. Kanye Fucking West. Meanwhile, on the other side of WTF ethnic stereotypes, did you know that all black dudes, even the ones with, shall we say, very modest equipment, are well hung? And that all Jews, even the poor ones, have pots of money? It’s totally true!

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And finally, to the fucking media. Who do you think you’re kidding, making all these stupid people and their ginned-up lives famous? Nobody gives a shit about douchebags in drop-crotch pants, douchebags who make duck calls, douchebags who are only famous for their boring sex tapes, or douchebags who are only famous for quitting midway through everything they do. And above all, nobody gives a shit about douchebags who whine all the time that their freedom of speech is being infringed just because someone pulled the plug halfway on their stupid fucking “reality” show. You want real free speech infringements? Try NSA spying. Or the passing of the NDAA, which by coincidence, just happened today. While no one was looking, and everyone was squawking about the uninfringed speech of some duck-fucking wanker who hates queers and thinks Jim Crow was A-okay.

Good night, and get fucked!

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1 Response to Wankers of the Week: Dick Dynasty edition

  1. uzza says:

    This is epic just for the pictures.

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