Wankers of the Week: The Never-Ending Winter of Our Discontent

Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s everybody enjoying that unrelenting snowy deep freeze? I just managed to thaw my fingers long enough to type all this, so let’s get on it. Here’s who frosted my ass this week, in no particular order:

1. Irina Fucking Rodnina. Oh, Iroshka. A racist Obama meme, followed by the ol’ Freeze Peach excuse? Really? One expects better of Olympic cauldron-lighters. Especially at your age. PS: And no, I don’t believe you were hacked, either. Own your shit, lady.

2. James Fucking Taranto. You heard the man, folks…date rape ain’t nothing but a drunk-driving collision. So who cares if he rammed her on purpose while she was too drunk to get out of his way, eh? Let’s just blame her, absolve him, pat ourselves on the back, and call it a day’s work. And this is what passes for Deep Thought at the Wall Street Urinal…

3. Scott Fucking Lively. Oh, so fascist thugs beating up gay Russians are a “hoax” now? Uh-uh, Snotty. You helped MAKE those fascist bastards by cheerleading repressive legislation. Own your shit, asshole. And knock off this conspiracy nonsense. Unless you want a Flaming Pants award.

4. Lori Fucking Gottlieb. First she wrote a whole fucking book telling women to settle for a so-so man because it might just be their last chance at marriage; now, she’s pushing the bullshit that men who do more around the house are gonna get less in the sack. Does anyone else smell a troll? Because this is pretty much textbook MR(B)M Nice Guy™ boosterism here. With a hefty dollop of late-Eighties “Man Shortage” panic thrown in.

5. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. And the apartheid Oscar goes to…Scarlett Fucking Johansson! Because corporate cash is more important than anti-poverty activism. Also, fuck the Palestinians.

6. R. Lee Fucking Ermey. So, what to do about bullied kids committing suicide? MOAR GUNS! Give those poor neutered boyz a penis compensator and a Man Card™. Level playing field, bitchezzz!

7. Michael Fucking Dunn. So, the “I hate thug music” shooter has more tears on the stand for his own dog than he does for someone else’s kid? And he still had the appetite to order a pizza after committing cold-blooded murder? Well, ain’t THAT some shit. Racism is a powerful drug, people. Never even ONCE. PS: Overdramatic much?

8. Ann Fucking Coulter. Speaking of drugs, what is the Coultergeist on? Because whatever it is, I want NONE.

9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Straight people are “under assault” from the gay community? Well, I guess that explains Rusty’s three failed marriages, then. And the fact that he had the very gay Sir Elton John sing at his fourth wedding doesn’t bode too well for him, either.

10. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. For someone who spends so much time obsessing about gays, John Jacob Jingleheimer sure doesn’t know much about them. For one thing, I have yet to meet one (and I know a great many) who need to wear diapers just because they “sinned”. Also, anal sex: Not for gay guys only. Straight women do it too. How many of THEM are in diapers?

11. Don Fucking Feder. Sexual rights may be a “heady elixir”, but they’re no guarantee that we’ll all go out and get bombed, any more than a liquor store in every town would be. But try telling that to a “family values” homophobic paranoiac, eh? They all think that Pooty-Poot is just dandy for enabling fascist gangs to beat up queers who never laid a hand on a child.

12. Tony Fucking Perkins. And once more, with feeling: No, teaching kids that being gay is okay is NOT going to make them gay. It’s going to teach them that they’re okay. Couldn’t have THAT, could we?

13. Michael Fucking Skakel. The rich really ARE not like the rest of us. How many common killers do YOU know who got to go skiing with a monitoring bracelet around their ankles?

14. Clarence Fucking Thomas. Of course he thinks the Jim Crow South was better than the integrated north…because Unka Clarence does whatever his corporate masters tell him to do. Just like in the Good Ol’ Days!

15. Billy Ray Fucking Cyrus. What’s that you say? You’re so glad you don’t have to listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” anymore? Well, guess what: You’re gonna have to sit through that ALL OVER AGAIN. And with a whole lotta awful twerking thrown in, too.

16. Sam Fucking Wheeler. While a college football star was busy coming out of the closet, this little shit was trying to push him right back in. As you can see, that didn’t go too well.

17. Christian Fucking Niccum. And speaking of trying to shove people into the closet…dude, what is UP with you? A jokey video shouldn’t upset you…unless there’s something in your own closet that’s trying to kick the door down and get away from all the fucking mothballs.

18. Curtis Anton Fucking Beseda. Why does it figure that this would-be fire-bomber of abortion clinics is also a child molester? Oh, probably for the same reason it figures that a child molester would be someone who also likes to fire-bomb abortion clinics in his spare time.

19. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. Dude, if marriage is only between a man and a woman, as you homophobes like to claim, then there can’t be a third person in it, by definition. Not even if that “person” is your sky-pixie himself.

20. Fucking Drake. A much more talented man died and you’re kvetching that he “stole” the cover of Rolling Stone from you? Learn to pack that ego down in ice, fella. I doubt very much that you’ll rate a cover even when you are dead.

21. Ann Fucking Coulter. You can’t live in the US anymore? Fine. Here’s a one-way ticket to Somalia. Adios!

22. Erik Fucking Rush. If His Barackness is murdering anyone who criticizes him, why are you still alive? For that matter, why am I? Because lord knows I’ve kvetched enough about him not being a socialist…

23. Jerry Fucking Clanton. No, raping a 15-year-old is not a mere “moral mistake”. You were a fucking cop. Do you not realize that what you did there is illegal? And that believing she was 18 is no excuse? And that it should automatically disqualify you from ever sitting in another squad car, unless you’re handcuffed in the back seat?

24. Bernie Fucking Herpin. In what bizarre parallel universe is it a “good thing” that a mass killer had a 100-round magazine? It’s not a good thing he had one, it’s a good thing that it fucking JAMMED. And in a properly regulated environment, he would never have been able to buy one, because a guy with mental issues is no danger to society unless he’s fucking ARMED, you dumb dickweed.

25 and 26. Peter and Kim Fucking Bayliss. Trying to get a perfectly sane neighbor declared mentally incompetent? Sorry, it’ll cost you. And it ain’t gonna happen anyhow. Ha, ha.

27. Susan Fucking Patton. Lady, neither of my two late grandmas EVER gave me the old speech about buying cows vs. getting milk for free. Probably because both of them had lived and worked on farms, and knew from personal experience that milk is NEVER free. (Hint: You have to fondle an udder to get some. And make sure your ass doesn’t get kicked off the milking stool if you do it ineptly.) Also, women are not cattle, sex is not milk, and men are not the reason we get post-secondary educations. ‘Fact, the only love advice I ever got from a grandma is to sit down and have a drink, ALONE, if your guy’s doing you wrong. And the grandma who told me that, and served me sherry whenever I was down in the dudely dumps? A devout Catholic. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that your advice is cowflops, Susie.

28. Sergey Fucking Markov. In Putin’s Russia, table make sex with you! The question is, do you want to make sex with table? (Didn’t think so.)

29. Yoweri Fucking Museveni. When it comes to kill-the-queers laws, this dude’s been up and down (and round and round) more times than a yo-yo at a tricks tournament. And now, at long last, we know where he stands on the issue. Welcome to the wrong side of history, dude!

30. The Fucking Duggars. I’m sorry, but Valentine’s Day is already nauseating enough. The last thing anyone needs is sex advice from two people who think girl babies make their Original Sin-laden mama twice as contaminated as boy babies do…and who have 20 messed-up kids (whose names all start with the same letter) to prove it.

31. Tom Fucking Perkins. Extinction of the 1%? Dude, you say that like it’s a BAD thing! Pay your taxes and shut the fuck up, because nobody wants to hear a morality lecture from a spoiled old geezer who everybody knows didn’t get so damn rich off his own morality.

32. Paul Fucking LePage. Well, I guess we know where HE stands on drug addiction. Right on the neck of anyone trying to get help, obviously.

33. Ted Fucking Cruz. Oh noes, the gays are getting married right and left, and Ted’s widdle feewings are huwt! I’m not sure how or why this matter should concern him so personally, unless maybe the dude he wants is marrying some other dude. In which case I gotta say: Damn, that’s really rough…but it’s not a sound basis for legislation that will only end up discriminating against an already persecuted minority.

34. Roy Fucking Moore. For the hundred millionth time: The US constitution says NOTHING about marriage. Not one word. Marriage equality will not only NOT destroy it, it won’t even touch it! This dude, on the other hand, would like to tear it up so he can insert language that not only isn’t there, it doesn’t belong there. But what were we expecting from the guy who thinks that a legal system based on the Code of Hammurabi was actually built on the Ten Fucking Commandments…good sense? Hahahahaha.

35. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Yup, a double Fucking, because that’s how petulant and idiotic and totally-not-to-be-taken-seriously this tantrum-tossing two-year-old is. For his next trick no doubt, he will hold his breath and turn blue.

36. Donny Fucking Reagan. So, you always suspected that southern preacher-men had a religious justification for racism, along with all those other odious -isms they preach? Well, guess what: You’re right! And oh my gawd, Teh Stoopid is strong with this one. (Also, when he talks, be it about “hybreeding” or whatever, it looks like he’s constantly, painfully sharting.)

37. James Fucking O’Keefe. Wait, lemme see if I got this straight — a professional defamer is being sued for…wait for it…DEFAMATION? I am shocked. Shocked, I tell ya.

38. Wendy Fucking Davis. Much as it pains me to include her, she leaves me no choice. And I’m sure the women of Texas feel much that way, too.

39. Canh Fucking Oxelson. Dude, you’re only supposed to LOOK like Tiger Fucking Woods…not ACT like him at his worst. And what the hell are you doing working at a boys’ school which became infamous for sexual abuse on campus? Oh wait, don’t tell me, let me guess.

40. Todd Fucking Starnes. You want to identify as a pine cone on Facebook, Todd? Hey, go right ahead. But don’t be too surprised if the pine cones say they want nothing to do with you, onaccounta you’re an idiot.

And finally, to the Fucking Repugs of Tennessee. Interfering with an auto-workers’ vote on unions, pushing the “right to work” agenda down VW’s throat…I could go on, but it’s all just a clear violation of the right to freedom of speech and association. What part of the First Amendment is unclear to you greedy motherfuckers? I know it’s a constant race to the bottom with you people, but can you not butt the fuck out of workers’ right to decide their own fate?

Good night, and get fucked!