Wankers of the Week: The Ruckus in Caracas


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about all those riots in Venezuela? Have they got you convinced that Madurito is the Worstest President Ever? And that he needs to go? If so, the more fool you…you got the wool pulled over your eyes by your own corporate media — AGAIN. Not to worry, Nicolás Maduro isn’t going anywhere. He’s got the backing of UNASUR, Mercosur…and the bulk of the Venezuelan people. These wankers, on the other hand, include some REAL tyrants…and with any luck, they’re going DOWN. In no particular order, as usual:

1. Tony Fucking Abbott. So, spying “benefits our friends”? Those “friends” being the slimiest imperial regimes on Earth? With “friends” like those, Australia doesn’t need enemies.

2. Mark Fucking Levin. No, same-sex marriage isn’t like “father-daughter incest”. It’s like regular marriage, only gay. DUH.

3. Ted Fucking Cruz. Pray for discrimination! Why? Oh, who knows? Like #2, it seems to be an exercise in homophobia just for the hell of it. Now with more boo-hoo and crybaby tantrums!

4. Rick Fucking Snyder. And speaking of boo-hoo and crybaby tantrums, there’s the so-called governor of Michigan…whose idea of governing is to deny rights to citizens. And he’s willing to make a federal case of it. Here’s hoping he loses.


5. Rob Fucking Ford. In case there was any doubt that he was a homophobe, here you go: He’s gone and declared war on LGBTs everywhere. Ford Nation: a “nation” of two (Robbo and Dougie), two members stupid. And destined to fail.

6. Doug Fucking Ford. Aw, da bullies are being bullied by the victims of their own bullying! My heart bleeds! Meanwhile, guess who’s been throwing red meat to the other conservative bullies? Yup, THOSE guys. FAIL!

7. Fucking Lululemon. Does anything evil that this Randroid corporation does surprise you? Because it no longer surprises me. And it’s just one more reason for me never to be caught dead in any of their overpriced crap.

8. Pat Fucking Robertson. World’s worst advice: Having a trans girlfriend is sin to be kept forever in the closet, and Wiccan parenting puts you on a par with people who turn their kids into drug dealers and prostitutes. Really, Patwa? Because, funnily, I’ve never sold sex OR drugs. And neither have any other Witches I know. OR their kids. Maybe you should leave the advice-giving to Dear Abby and Ann Landers, Patwa.


9. Bob Fucking Marshall. Did gay voters get to ratify YOUR right to marry, Mr. Marshall? NO? Well, then, don’t complain when your not-so-democratic constitutional amendment gets shut down. And hands off the judge who only did the right thing — Loving v. Virginia is a legal precedent!

10. John Fucking McCain. Guess who’s all for US interference in Venezuela? Yup…THIS guy. Am I ever glad he’s not president, because his ass in the White House would spell unmitigated disaster.

11. Brent Fucking Bozell. Surprise, surprise, another right-wing plagiarist has been caught passing off someone else’s work as his own. This one has made a career out of haranguing non-cons to “TELL THE TRUTH!” Maybe he should try it himself sometime, eh?

12. John Fucking Kirkwood. The smell of mothballs is strong with this one. Funny how anti-gay assholes always spend more time thinking about gay sex than gay people themselves do. Why is that, I wonder?


13. Miranda Fucking Barbour. Murdering a man you lured on Craigslist is a heinous crime. But bragging that you’ve done dozens more of the same when you clearly haven’t? That, my friends, is one bizarro wank.

14. Jerry Fucking Boykin. If you ever wonder why there is a church/state separation (and why it ought to be even deeper), just look at Jesus’ General here, claiming that a mostly peaceful Jewish carpenter from 2000 years ago is gonna come back wielding a 20th-century weapon widely touted as a “Man Card”. There aren’t enough cuckoos in the clock for this one.

15. August Fucking Byron Fucking Kreis. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how evil it is that he is both a white supremacist preacher…and a molester of little girls.

16. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Same-sex marriage will lead to what? Um, no. For one thing, straight men have been demanding those things for as long as I can remember. For another, they did that long before same-sex marriage was even a legal thing. And women have been saying no to sexual demands that they didn’t want to meet for at least that long, too. You know what’s truly heinous and ungodly? All those bogus studies claiming to “prove” things that they don’t. And those ugly chin-whiskers.


17. Ted Fucking Nugent. Dude, you calling anyone a Nazi is a distinct case of “pot, meet kettle”. STFU and go away, already. PS: Don’t bother nopologizing, the whole world knows you’re not really sorry for being a racist.

18. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. So, what’s Harpo’s pet senator/domestic abuser/embezzler up to lately? Oh, not much. Just managing a seedy strip joint in Ottawa. And still answering to “Senator Brazeau”, if you can believe that. How long do you reckon it’ll be before he’s arrested for harassing the dancers?

19. Scott Fucking Walker. Surprise, surprise…his staffers include a number of unfunny racists who like to forward unfunny racist e-mails and send illegal campaign mails on the public dime too. If that’s not a waste of public money, I don’t know what is. And for the thousandth time, Wisconsin…why the hell have you not impeached this shitweasel?

20. Simon Fucking Lokodo. He thinks that men raping girls is natural, but gay relationships between consenting adults are not? And just think, this deluded preacher is a minister for “ethics and integrity” in the Ugandan government! No wonder Uganda is so fucked up. PS: Sign, sign, sign.


21. Greg Fucking Ball. Saving the whales is a nice thing; plagiarizing a high-schooler’s essay in order to do it, however, is a wank. Give credit where it’s due like a grownup, senator!

22. John Fucking Myers. Whatever happened to that vow of poverty? Oh, I see…schoolkids are supposed to take it, while bishops get to live in palaces. If Pope Francis doesn’t give this one a stern talking-to, I’m going to be adding another wanker to this list. PS: “Your Grace”? Um, try DISgrace.

23. Tom Fucking DeLay. No, God didn’t write the US constitution, nor is it based on the bible. He also didn’t write the bible. God can’t write, you fucking idiot.

24. Scott Fucking Lively. Anyone else struck by the hypocrisy of a fascist preacher who calls for the death of gays all the time, telling people exercising their right to free speech to “stop killing speech”? Considering that his “speech” is responsible for actual human deaths, I’d say shutting him up is the most humane thing to do.


25. David Fucking Cameron. Is there any further doubt in your minds that not only is he unpopular with the British electorate (he had to have a coalition government, this time ’round), but he’s also a true tyrant? Who else would try to make money from people being kicked off public assistance?And threaten to press criminal charges against anyone who challenged the decision to cut them off? And of course, who can ever forget all that infamous kettling? You won’t see THAT happening in Venezuela, kiddies. But you WILL see it happening in merry old riot-torn England.

26. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. Hey! Remember how she was all huggy-kissy-cozy with Roberto Fucking Micheletti, the interim dictator of Honduras, who overthrew a democratically elected and popular president there in 2009 (with a little “help” from his US State Dept. “friends”)? Well, guess what: She’s now dissing another democratically elected, popular president…IN VENEZUELA. Whatever could it mean???

27. James Fucking Bloodworth. If you’re going to go accusing the majority of Venezuelans (who, be it noted, actually live, work and vote there) of having a “huge blind spot” about their own country, maybe you should start with that plank in your own pretty blue eyes, Jimbo. And by “plank”, I mean CRAPAGANDA.


28. Leopoldo Fucking López. Speaking of pretty boys: Yup, Leo’s a wanker too — this week, every week. For fomenting another lousy putsch (doomed to failure, and you heard it here first). And for being possessed (demonically, even) of a criminal ambition so naked that even the CIA’s “diplomatic” spooks could see it for years. And faithfully reported it back to Washington, so he could be duly cultivated, financed and trained for the very actions you’re seeing go down in Venezuela now.

29. Rex Fucking Tillerson. This week in Shit You Couldn’t Make Up If You Tried, ExxtortionMobil’s CEO is all for fracking. Just not in his own backyard, because it would frighten the horses…and lower his $5 million property value.

30. Dean Fucking Esmay. Pro tip: When trying to convince an 18-year-old woman (who totally has you pegged, BTW) that your “men’s HUMAN rights” movement isn’t just an echo chamber for rampant misogyny and flat-out ridiculosity, you might want to start by, you know, not proving your detractor’s point for her in your so-called rebuttal.


And finally, to the two fucking wankers above, and to anyone else who mindlessly retweeted any of those hashtags this week, or spread any of the crapaganda memes attached to them. Congratulations, the Mighty Wurlitzer has played you like a cheap fiddle. I hope you have the decency to feel foolish when you realize you’ve just backed another fascist coup in the name of “freedom”. If you think Leopoldo Fucking López (a.k.a. Wanker #28) is a man of the people, you are in for one helluva shock. Prettyboy Leo is an oligarch among oligarchs, and he couldn’t care less for democracy. And neither can all the little shitweasels who’ve been doing his bidding, terrorizing the cities of Venezuela because they can’t handle losing more than a dozen free, fair elections over the last 15 years. If you ever wonder why the opposition can’t make inroads against the PSUV, better ask yourself instead why the old ruling class of Venezuela will never make a comeback, and why they keep losing election after election. Because when all the dust from the current kerfuffle settles, the fact will remain that they aren’t a democratic opposition at all, but a bunch of whiny, overbred twits who don’t have the brains or the work ethic to run a lemonade stand, never mind a country rich with history…and oil.

Good night, and get fucked!

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2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: The Ruckus in Caracas

  1. Anthony says:

    #17 is perfect evidence why Nazi comparisons is the only thing the U.S. ultra-right have today. All Blitzer did was point out that Nugent’s insult towards Obama was similar to Nazi hate speech (no hyperbole, only the truth) – and Nugent responds by saying “HERP DERP CNN ARE LIKE NAZIS CAUSE THEY NOT AGREE WITH ME OMEGERD DERP”

    If Hitler was alive today, they’d still insist that Obama is the Nazi and Hitler is “just a concerned patriot serving his country, a good conservative” – speaking of which, if the Nazis take over in Ukraine and rout both Yanukovich and the moderate opposition… John McCain, you did build that. His aiding and abetting Svoboda and the Right Sector will be the 21st century “peace in our time” moment!

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Yup. And meanwhile, all these clueless gringos are supporting the Venezuelan and Ukrainian equivalents of the teabaggers. I can understand a right-wing nutjob doing that; I expect no better of them anyhow. But what the hell is the liberals’ excuse? Do they think that those who don’t speak English or go to fancy private schools (in Switzerland, England or the US) don’t count?

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