Crappy weekend everyone! This week has literally ended up in the crapper, especially if you’re in Sochi, where all kinds of weird toilet arrangements can be found. We’ve seen everything from twin turdcatchers to a guy who had to break out of his own bathroom. And that’s just the inanimate objects that were full of shit. Here come the people, in no particular order:
1. Matthew Fucking Mills. It wouldn’t be the Stupor Bowl without an idiot on the field…or in this case, a mike-jacker trying to stick a little 9-11 twoofiness up in there. Does anyone seriously believe that an investigation will be forthcoming just because some random weirdo called for it by interrupting a press conference? I mean, how many times in the history of ever has THAT happened?
2. Richard Fucking Denton-White. Well, there goes the idea that the English are all so polite. This one’s got a mouth on him that would embarrass a drunken sailor. Kiss your mother with that, guvnor?
3. John Fucking Elway. And here’s why the Denver Broncos not only lost, but deserved to lose. This guy’s a Repug because he “doesn’t believe in safety nets”? Dude, I’m a socialist because I don’t believe in NOT having them.
4. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?
That’s why. Meanwhile, even with the supposed star power of ScarJo, Soda Stream is, pardon the pun, tanking. Meaning, it’s a BDS win, and a “buycott” fail. Ha, ha.
5. John Fucking Dodrill. All right, so you DON’T want any Thin Mints. Fine. But MUST you point a gun at a Girl Scout selling cookies? Jayzus.
6. Glenn Fucking Beck. As usual, it’s Opposite Day in Biff’s little world. Where else would a laudable effort at social inclusion be “divisive”, while the blatantly xenophobic and at times downright racist reaction from the right is supposedly not?
7. Amy Fucking Chua. Likability: Ur doin it rong. Now go the fuck AWAY.
8 and 9. Sheryl Fucking Sandberg and Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. “Lean In” for corporatism, antifeminism…and a rabid anti-Cuba warhawk who can’t stop wanking over Venezuela and openly called for a coup there? No, thanks. I think I’ll be running for the door.
10. John Fucking Tory. And speaking of the futility of Leaning In, there’s this guy. Apparently he thinks that all women need to do to get equal pay is ask for it. Uh, John? What do you think we’ve been trying to do for the last three decades with pay equity legislation, dammit? And has it ever occurred to you that when women demand equal pay, we’re only more likely to get shit-canned?
11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Hey, now, Pigman. Don’t be giving Coke any positive, progressive ideas on how to further piss off you and your racist ilk! Because, you know, there’s plenty of room on that label for a dozen languages, as anyone who’s ever bought chocolate in Europe can tell you!
12. Todd Fucking Starnes. Why?
That’s why. Newsflash: Mexicans have their own Coke. It’s still made with real cane sugar, and anyone who’s tried both that and the current, high-fructose US version will tell you Mexican Coke is better. And by the way, those “illegals”? They’re the same people to whom half the US used to belong, before the Mexican-American War. If anything is of dubious legality, it’s that border they keep crossing, presumably to get inferior Coke. Read a little history, you embarrassing spittle-spouter.
13. Donald Fucking Trump. Who the hell wears a tie to a football game? Barack Obama is the president of the United States, not the White House butler. He can wear whatever the occasion demands, including casual dress.
14. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. I would ask just how John Jacob Jingleheimer knows who’s going to heaven and who’s not, but it’s pointless. He thinks he’s God, and he wants to dictate policy to the government! Thankfully, he’s not in charge of anything. The only question is, why does he still have a pulpit to bully from?
15. Heather Fucking Watt. Stand yer ground against loud music from next door! And the best way to do that is to break in on your neighbors with a gun in your hand.
16. Pat Fucking Robertson. Hey Patwa, there’s no point in telling Ken Fucking Ham to shut up. Just do the same yourself, because you already ARE a joke. Without any help from him, I might add.
17. Terry Fucking Mortenson. What the hell does Hitler have to do with science? The man was a devout Catholic with a lot of downright superstitious ideas about where Europeans came from. And no, he didn’t eat Jews for lunch…he was a vegetarian. The sight of his niece’s suicide apparently put him off meat. Isn’t it terribly inconvenient when the facts don’t fit your stupid hypothesis?
18. Michael Fucking Botticelli. How fucking sad is it when the deputy state drug czar for Oregon doesn’t know if pot is less addictive (and lethal) than crystal meth? Hell, I’m not a druggie, and I know what’s what. So, what’s HIS excuse?
19. Wendi Fucking Deng. I’m not terribly surprised that she had the hots for Dubya’s poodle. Given what she was married to, even a hat rack would look good by comparison. Still, he IS Dubya’s Poodle…and she had the incredibly poor judgment to marry Rupee Fucking Murdoch. So there.
20 and 21. Jeremy and Justin Bieber. If you wonder why the Bieb is such a little shit, you can stop wondering now. He’s just a chip off the ol’ irresponsible block. Papa Bieber is one helluva role model, isn’t he? And why the FAA didn’t ground that pot-reeking plane is a mystery to me.
22. Piers Fucking Morgan. So, let me get this straight: Janet Mock is “disgraceful” for correcting your misgenderings? Dude, look in the mirror. You’re ten times ruder to her than she was to you.
23. Victoria Fucking Nuland. Surprise, surprise: Interfering State Dept. is interfering. In Ukraine. And they don’t like the EU, either. If you wonder why Venezuelans suspect that the US is behind the fascist uprising in the Maidan, this just might be a clue.
24. Rob Fucking Ford. LGBT rights activists put up a flag at City Hall in Toronto, to show support for Russians who can’t do the same in their country. Who tries to tear it down? This motherfucker. And when he was told that he couldn’t do that? He sulked, pouted, and tried to play patriot. Diddums!
25. Doug Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, Tweedledee defends Tweedledum’s rampant homophobia. Well, you can’t accuse them of lacking family values, even if they do lack every other kind of morality!
26. Harold Fucking Trinkunas. Looks like the State Dept. isn’t the only one in the interference game; right wing stink tanks are in it too. Meanwhile, they’re supporting a “hypothetical” coup against a man who was, in un-hypothetical fact, democratically elected in Venezuela. And one with whom the government of Brazil is on excellent terms, with no “threatened interests” at all. A small detail, easily overlooked…of course.
27. Gary Fucking James. You want a restaurant boycott? You got it! Hope it tastes good.
28. Woody Fucking Allen. Is anyone seriously surprised to learn that his perverted jokes aren’t really jokes after all? And that his defenders (including himself and his slimy lawyer) have been full of shit all this time? Didn’t think so.
29. Benjamin Fucking Kneib. Because the Russian Orthodox church isn’t the only one with a lot of catching up to do when it comes to gay rights. Denying communion to long-time parishioners (at one of their mothers’ funeral, no less) because they’re a lesbian couple? Ungodly.
30. Tim Fucking Armstrong. Corporate greed…what’s that? A perfect excuse to blame the employees, especially the women with the sick babies. And to cut employee benefits for everyone at AOHell. Sign the petition, folks.
And finally, to the Fucking IOC. Of course, they have NO problem with draconian Russian police rounding up, beating and threatening sexual violence against LGBT rights protesters. Why would they? They awarded the games to Russia in the first place, despite numerous and obvious problems with using Sochi as a venue. To admit that they erred would open them up to questions as to why they did so. And forr that, you’d have to start examining a lot of greasy palms and dirty fingernails. Nope, can’t have that, can we…even if we say all the right things.
Good night, and get fucked!