Crappy weekend, everyone! Great Caesar’s ghost, we’re midway through March already. Can it be that Old Man Winter’s icy death grip is finally letting go? I dunno, it’s wheezing so loud out there, I think the old bastard still has a few gasps left. Give him another week and we’ll get him hollering Uncle. Meanwhile, no mercy for the following, in no particular order:
1. Justin Fucking Bieber. For all those who ever wondered if he really is that smarmy and horrid, here’s your answer. Yes, of COURSE he is. He’s also dumb as a box of hammers. But he is right about one thing: He sure as hell IS detrimental to his own career. Ha, ha.
2. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Bulk-buying your way onto the New York Times Bestseller List: Not just for Coultergeists and Palinesses anymore. Nope, now it’s also a Hipster Fundie Preacher Thing!
3. Sean Fucking Fieler. Who puts fake voices into fake fetuses’ mouths? THIS guy. Figures that he’s in hedge funds. Even by crapitalist standards, that’s as phony as it gets!
4. Kyle Fucking Tasker. Hey, maybe he and Robbo should get together. Both of them really seem to have a taste for domestic violence, hyuk hyuk hyuk.
5. Ben Fucking Carson. Well. Finally a right-winger kinda-sorta admits that straight marriage is a special right. I guess that’s progress…for THEM. Too bad he goes on to undo that by invoking NAMBLA and bestiality. Isn’t that schtick getting old and tired yet?
6. David Fucking Barton. More Christians martyred last year than in all the time since Christianity began? Wow. Assfax is one helluva drug.
7. Lynn Fucking Good. First rule of Dirty Coal crapitalism: Always pass your cleanup costs on to the consumer. Profit, profit, über alles!
8. Terry Fucking Richardson. When the hell is this pervert going to jail? Because there’s hardly a model he hasn’t molested…and as a fashion photographer, he is not even interesting. Any idiot can do point-and-shoot porn, after all, so why should he be hired by Vogue? PS: No, you are NOT being witch-hunted. You are being held accountable, by someone, at last. How’s it feel when the shoe’s on the other foot?
10. Doug Fucking Ford. Whenever Tweedledum bumblefucks up, Tweedledee bumblemucks up. PS: I wasn’t a fan of Kevin Spacey before, but since Dougie apparently hates him, I am now! Ha, ha.
11. Susan Fucking Patton. No, you’re not “just being honest”. Nobody who is genuinely honest peddles a book that reads like a canned list of right-wing bullshit squawking points. PS: You’re also dead wrong, according to actual science. Might want to revise your “common sense” there, lady. PPS: OFFS. STFU!
12. John Fucking Benefiel. There is no way ancient Egyptians could have dedicated the Americas to Baal. For one thing, he’s not an Egyptian god. For another, he’s not a son of Satan. Oops! There goes your tidy little “curse” theory. Honestly, a bag of rocks is smarter anyway.
13. Pat Fucking Robertson. Meanwhile, in other superstitious nonsense, Patwa believes that X-rated movies invite demons into your car to wreck it. Uh, Patwa? I think you may have seen Christine one too many times. PS: No, seriously, Patwa, you need to turn off your TV now. Before God does it for you.
14. Stuart Fucking Varney. Oh noes, hungry poor kids are still being fed! The unmitigated HORROR! They’re supposed to die in Dickensian workhouses, dammit! PS: Excuse me…did you say that overtime pay makes EMPLOYEES greedy? Hahahahaha, so you did! Well, then, by that token, I think all corporate profit should be abolished, because guess who gets greedy when you allow THAT?
15. Joseph Fucking Pickens. Oh noes, someone is butthurt because others pointed out that wearing blackface is racist! I pity the fool…which is what the real Mr. T would do, too.
16. Scott Fucking Lively. Not content to bask in the dubious glory of having promoted anti-gay laws in Uganda and Russia, he’s now setting his sights on Ukraine…and blaming LGBTs for its current (and largely fascist-created) crisis. The irony is thunderous, and he is utterly deaf to it.
17. Christina Fucking Hoff Fucking Sommers. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid she is for defending sexism, while chiding those who criticize it. What kind of feminist does that? None. She’s a fauxminist. She fakes left and throws right. She is nothing more than a misogynist in skirts.
18. Mike Fucking Maggio, AGAIN. Yup, “geauxjudge” is still a neaux-brains. And his neaux-pology leaves a lot to be desired. What fucking diploma mill was this fratboy in robes graduated from, anyway? Why is he not yet off the bench? And why in fucknation has his law licence not been revoked yet?
19 and 20. The Fucking Zimmermans. Yup, that’s right, Little Georgie Porgie’s parents are wankers this week. For suing Roseanne Barr, who isn’t actually about to “lynch” anyone. Interesting choice of words there, innit? And now we know where Georgie-Porgie got it from, too.
21. George Fucking Zimmerman. Because of course.
22. Alex Fucking Da Costa. Um, believing that being gay is wrong IS anti-gay. By definition. Fucking DUH.
23. Greg Fucking Brannon. Um, Planned Parenthood isn’t in the business of “killing babies”, it’s in the business of preventing conception for the most part (and sometimes, unwanted births as well). Birth control and abortion are legal in all fifty US states, last time I looked. And just think, people, this plagiarizer of Rand Fucking Paul — RAND FUCKING PAUL — is an obstetrician! What fucking diploma mill graduated HIM?
24. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Help, help, she’s being oppressed…by meanies telling her she can’t bully queer folks any longer! Oh, the humanity!
25. Randall Fucking Scott. For someone who hates Obama so much that you would sooner “dine with Satan in hell than shake his hand”, you sure are pissy about being excluded from his event. Poor baby!
26. Rafael Fucking Cruz. The only thing that surprises me about his tinfoil-clad rantings is that he hasn’t yet blamed the Illuminati for chemtrails or fluoride for Communism (precious bodily fluids!). Oh wait, is he getting to that? All righty then…
27. Frank Fucking Ancona. Anyone who refers to non-whites as “the colored and mongrel races” is, in fact, their enemy by definition. And the KKK was conceived as nothing else, too, as I recall. Epic PR fail!
28. Jeff Fucking Vinall. A bigot should always have the courage of his convictions, such as they are. But this Young Oxford Conservatives leader is mighty tetchy about having it known that he rejoiced in the death of the “terrorist” Nelson Mandela. So much so that he abused the DMCA to try to censor his critics. And now that the toothpaste is out of THAT tube, good luck trying to shove it back in. Ha, ha.
29. Curtis Fucking Reeves, Jr. So, it turns out that texting in a movie theatre is so rude that it should cost you your life…at the hands of a trigger-happy ex-cop who is doing the exact same thing himself. Stand your ground, groundstanders!
30. Austin Fucking Ruse. No, Women’s Studies did NOT create the Duke University freshman porn star. The porn industry (owned, operated and patronized overwhelmingly by MEN) did. And the high cost of tuition nowadays isn’t helping either, since it has obliged more than a few young women to essentially prostitute themselves so they won’t starve to death before they get a shot at their dream jobs. You’re “paying an arm and a leg” to keep your daughters out of regular schools? The more fool you…and boy, do I feel sorry for your girls. They have a real fascist for a father. Who else would advocate “take out and shoot” as a “solution” to the “problem” of people who just don’t agree with you or jibe with your sad, narrow world-view? PS: Oh wow. You really ARE having a bad week, aren’t you? Hahahahahaha.
31. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, we feminists don’t have a “fundamental insecurity” about our “femininity”, whatever the hell that is supposed to be. You, on the other hand, seem to have a real issue with your manhood, given the amount of time you devote to bashing women and queers. PS: And no, people don’t just tell pollsters what they think pollsters want to hear. Your views are out of step with society. Welcome to the wrong side of history, asswipe.
32. Franklin Fucking Graham. Hey, Pooty-Poot: You know you’re on the wrong side of history when Yankee televangelists endorse your homophobia. Take a hint, already!
33. Richard Fucking Burr. How’s it feel to get your capitalist crapaganda sliced, diced and tossed back in your face by a Canadian doctor, eh? Hahahahaha.
34. Kristin Fucking Cavallari. Yet another famous-for-nothing idiot refuses to vaccinate her kids. Because she’s “read some books”, no doubt by other famous-for-nothing idiots, about the long-since-disproven “link” between vaccines and autism. Meanwhile, measles outbreaks are happening all over the place because other idiots, less famous, have also read those books and are refusing to vaccinate their kids, who will be lucky to reach college age at this rate. Moral of story: STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS.
35. Michael Fucking Gove. And speaking of stupid people, how about this one from the other side of the pond? He still believes that 37 million war deaths can’t possibly be unjust. Britain, stop making wankers into politicians!
36. Dakkari Fucking McAnuff. Congratulations, you’re now Twitter-famous. You’re also a fucking idiot. And you’re Twitter-famous for being a fucking idiot.
37. Angela Fucking Merkel. Ach, du lieber Himmel. Looks like her predecessor, Gerhard Schröder, is no help when it comes to rattling the ol’ sabre against Pooty-Poot. On the contrary, he thinks Pooty has a good point, sending the Russian army into Crimea to defend the locals against the fascist incursion from the Maidan. Pech gehabt…und Scheiße.
38. Maria Fucking Kang. Oh look, it’s the world’s most annoying self-righteous person. Lady, you are not a movement…unless it’s the laxative-induced bowel kind. STFU and go the hell away, already.
39. Paul Fucking Ryan. And speaking of annoying self-righteous people, meet the new Paul Ryan…same as the old. Only this time, with even more “social Darwinist” racism. This one, too, can take a fucking hike. A long one, preferably off a short pier.
40. Chris Fucking Brown. Hi ho, hi ho…it’s back to jail you go! The wonder is that you didn’t stay longer the first time. Maybe this time you’ll finally DO the time, eh?
And finally, to all the white, white wankers who “marched” today in this little shindig. Those sheets would be more useful on your beds, fellas. You’re actually the least oppressed people in the world, so stop your fuckin’ whining. If you’re gonna hold anyone else to blame for your problems, then for once, do it to those who deserve it — namely, the capitalists. You know, those white guys up above you, the ones in the overpriced suits? Yeah, them. They look just like you, only with better manicures. And while you’re out there making asses of yourselves in the streets blaming those who are actually worse off than you, they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Which, of course, they own.
Good night, and get fucked!