Wankers of the Week: Crappy Women’s Day!


Crappy weekend, everyone…and crappy International Women’s Day, too. Which I don’t feel very much like celebrating today, because what’s to celebrate but reversals and bass-ackwardness all around? And with that said, here are this week’s backward asses, in no particular order:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. He went to Hollywood, thinking some of that tinsel dust would rub off on him. Or maybe he was hoping to peddle (or buy?) some high-grade cocaine there? Either way, all he ended up doing was making an even bigger ass of himself, on TV…and while dressed like a mafia pimp. PS: Aw, duzzums haz a mad? Too bad, so sad. You went to Hollywood. Didn’t you know you’d be appearing on a comedy show? Pull yourself together, Tweedledum.

2. Doug Fucking Ford. After Tweedledum got done making an ass of himself, Tweedledee was out running interference for him. As usual. When do you suppose he’ll finally get tired of all the lying, ass-covering and excuse-making?

3. Joe Fucking Warmington. Meanwhile, back in TO, Robbo’s ass-kisser in chief was busy holding down the fort, and writing rave reviews all sight unseen. When he actually saw it, his crapaganda had to be pulled…but not before the city got yet another reminder of why the SunMedia chain is a dumb redneck operation when all’s said.


4. Christopher Fucking Pagano, AGAIN. Because it wouldn’t be a wanklist without an actual wanker, and what better to wank with than a piece of Swiss cheese?

5 and 6. Charlene Fucking Ellet and Cameron Fucking Beck. This crime story has it all: Wal-Mart, shoplifting, infidelity, brother-sister incest, crystal meth, Texas. The only thing needed to truly take this one over the top is Jerry Springer.

7. Pat Fucking Robertson. If #5 and #6 are feeling at all lonely and beleaguered in their shitty existence, they should at least take some comfort knowing they have a friend in Jeebus…or at least Patwa, who is cool with incest as long as it’s not gay, and doesn’t make any “Mongoloid” kidlets.

8. Dana Fucking Snay. Stupid Facebook brags are stupid. But not as stupid as the stupidheads that make them.


9. George Fucking Will. Fighting for equal rights may not be neighborly. But then again, what exactly is the long-standing conservative animus against equal rights? Chopped liver?

10. Joe Fucking Scarborough. And how much are the Koch Bros paying you to put in a good word for them, Joe? I always did find it funny that someone like you, with such a massive skeleton in his closet, could still manage to evade a life sentence in the Florida state pen.

11. Steve Fucking Stockman. Meanwhile, in other news of highly questionable wingnuts, there’s him. Uh, Steve? Police mugshots are a matter of public records. You can’t order the arrest of anyone publishing them. Police don’t bust themselves, dumbass!

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. A cop? Really? Funny, I didn’t know they took pants-shitting draft dodgers who have committed statutory rape.


13. Bill Fucking Gothard. And speaking of statutory rape, would it greatly surprise you to know that a far-right Christian with ties to the Quiverfulls and Sarah Palin…is really not all that different from Warren Fucking Jeffs when you get right down to it? Thought not.

14. Mike Fucking Maggio. So, if “sluts are just whores in training”, as “geauxjudge” avers, what are overly judgy judges who like to talk stupid shit about “golden vajay jays” and “rodeo sex”, and insist that women should just put up with shitty husbands, because bitches be crazy? Probably the larval form of right-wing politicians. And garden-variety assholes? Why, they’re just geauxjudges in training!

15. Sam Fucking Sotiropoulos. What the fuck is “homosexism”? I don’t know, and I don’t think he does, either. But for some strange reason, he’s awfully frightened about naked gay guys at the Pride Parade. Well, Sam, there’s a very simple solution to your problem: Either come out of mothballs yourself, as I suspect you’re dying to do, or else just stay away and don’t look! PS: And stay off Twitter, too, if your skin’s so thin.

16. Peter Fucking MacKay. Why?


That’s why. Happy Women’s Day! PS: Sign, sign, SIGN.

17. Keenan Fucking Finkelstein. Another Florida ground-stander stands his ground…and shoots a sheriff’s deputy. Pull up a chair and make lots of popcorn, folks…this is gonna get mighty interesting.

18. Michael Fucking Medved. So, isn’t it nice to know that all those states that have tried to write same-sex marriage rights out of their constitutions…are just a “liberal lie”? I’m sure that would come as quite some surprise to the right-wing lawmakers who’ve been pushing for discriminatory amendments for the last few years!

19. Steven Fucking Jones. Preacher, con man, douchebag, one-man freak scene…yup, he’s a veritable Renaissance Man of dumbth.

20. Steve Fucking Santagati. Who the hell is this nobody, and why should any woman want his utterly uninformed opinion on anything? And more to the point, what is with all those ooky come-ons to Susan Sarandon?


21. Thurston Fucking Moore. So, calling a self-confessed serial cheater by his right name…is “gender fascism”? Suddenly, I’m not sorry I was never a fan of Sonic Youth. Of Kim Gordon, yes, she’s a classy lady — but not him. NEVER him. Because, “gender fascist” that I am, I’ve always had kind of a nose for douchebags…and yup, that right there’s the smell of rotting rubber, all right.

22. Jay Fucking Morse. Who polices the police? When a sex-crimes prosecutor is himself guilty as charged, is there any fucking hope left that military women will ever get justice?

23. David Fucking Cameron. Please quit trying to fake your way to gravitas; you look like a nincompoop when you pose for dramatic photos. You may be a pluperfect Tory toff, but “fake it till you make it” is not an option, and you, sirrah, are not to be taken seriously.

24. Patrick Fucking Rock. How strangely ironic that the man behind #23’s porn filters…has himself been found in possession of kiddie porn. I guess he figured he had the perfect front, eh?


25. Cara Fucking Claffy. Because mothers just hit themselves in the head with vibrators all the time.

26. Warren Fucking Farrell. Hey! Remember when he got the whiny sexist asswipes — sorry, human rights activists — of A Voice For Men to help him pick between three salacious covers for the new e-book edition of his nonsensical tome on how men are oppressed by their desire to fuck themselves into oblivion? Well, you’ll be delighted to know he went with Dat Ass. Not the ass he’d originally proposed, but a more “tasteful” tush, suitable for the cover of a book of erotica. Which, I’m sure, his maunderings are to him and his ilk. Everybody else, though, is grossed out.

27. Lily Fucking Allen. Just in time for Women’s Day, she too has decided to reveal herself as some daffy kind of Men’s Rightser. She doesn’t understand why feminism still exists, but she thinks WOMEN are “the enemy”? Quick recap: Feminism isn’t about hating men, it’s about ending sexism. And if you wonder why feminism still exists, and why just thinking you’re equal isn’t enough to make it so, better take a long hard look at your own internalized misogyny over there in the mirror. Because girl, that is NOT a good look. And that, not men, is what is being opposed here.

28. Vic Fucking Toews. Spying pervert gets appointed to Court of Queen’s Bench. I can’t even. There just isn’t enough face for all this palm.


29. Bernard Fucking Marsonek. Because doesn’t everyone have sex with pitbulls in the backyard? Jeez, people. Such prudes!

30. Michael Fucking McClendon. Because doesn’t everyone at West Point secretly make locker-room videos of female cadets? Gawd. It’s like a scene out of Porky’s!

31. Craig Fucking Cobb. So, finally, he’s fucking off out of Leith, ND? That’s the good news. The bad is that he’s still trying to Nazify the town. Let’s hope the locals find a way of taking it back…ALL back.

32. Borys Fucking Filatov. Nice new “leaders” Ukraine has. This Nazi-sympathizing oligarch as much as said to promise Crimea one thing, then do the opposite later. Oh yeah, and I’m sure the Crimeans are delighted to know that he considers them “scum” fit only for “hanging later”. Yeah, now we see why they prefer the Russians…eh?


33. Alex Fucking Levant. Meanwhile in Canada, we have gun nuts posing for macho photos, overtly threatening women in CUPE…on International Women’s Day, no less. And right after a woman at the university where he works was injured in a shooting. Charming little shit, ain’t he?

34. Darren Fucking Sharper. Pro tip: “Non-consensual sex” isn’t sex. It’s rape. And no, not saying rape doesn’t make it not-rape. Got that?

35. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Shit, who needs sisterly solidarity when you can have nasty partisan bitchery featuring the epic electoral fail that is Sarah Fucking Palin? As if having a woman on the ticket means your party is good for women. Mish, have you looked at the Repug platform lately?

36. Mitchell Fucking Wright. And in other absurdity involving women, nothing says “You’ve come a long way, baby!” like the phrase stripper meth ring. Oh yeah, and this guy worked for the DEA…past tense, please note.


37. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Way to put your foot in it, Piyush. And fuck that First Amendment, too, while you’re at it.

38. Francis Fucking Gurry. Collecting DNA evidence to catch a whistleblower? Wow. That’s some world-class fanaticism and paranoia you got there, dude.

39. Sarah Fucking Palin. And what would a weekly wankapedia be without her? Because this week, she wants to see Russia nuked. From her house in Wasilla, no doubt. While eating green eggs and ham, even.

40. Ann Fucking Coulter. And finally, the Coultergeist gets the nod, for her same-old-same-old racism, hyperbole, and genocidal fascism. Nice to see that age hasn’t mellowed her a bit, and that wisdom has come no closer to touching her than it ever did. I don’t have to tell her never to change, because she never will…and luckily, she can’t get much worse, unless she gnaws through the bottom of that rotten ol’ whisky barrel.


And finally, to our wonderful government, for getting the whole Crimea situation so completely fucked up that they’re refusing to do joint exercises with the Russian military, and are sending home nine Russian soldiers who had nothing to do with any of that. Way to go, you bag of dicks. Remind me again of why we got rid of the Berlin Wall, and why that whole Cold War thing was a bad idea? Oh yeah…you can’t because you’re still soaking in it. And just you wait till it comes back to bite you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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